my autumn promised me
one last great fall
and boy, did hell freeze over to shine
on me inevitably dropping this ball

and so it was
and i take solace that it's over
i'm free of this heartache
this cost of one hard-lessoned October

no more turmoil
no more heavy heart
i know what i did, i've learned and i'll pay
i have and will beg for a fresh start

to prove how much i love you
to show you no other way
to make this right in any form,
and enact for you that i will never stray

some will always doubt
some think i'm a cause never to be found
some will bury all their concerns
while some will cast me down

this is my cross to bear
and i want you to always know
you are worth every breath i have
and i have never, ever felt so low

whatever you choose
in this moment, today or tomorrow
i'm just glad you came into my life
and i never meant you sorrow

i'm sorry i ever hurt you
i'm sorry it couldn't be different then
i'm sorry i can't be good enough
to match you, a perfect ten
but i'll do whatever now
so you never have the burden to think
of those all those "remember when's....?"
or all that could have been's...

i love you, bobott.

i love to write
and pour my soul
into all i know and all i feel
but the urge is diminished
when the pieces just fit
when the day is done
and the world just works
and i'm all gratitude
with not a burden to write of

it's strange
it's because i'm content
some semblance of happy
from the peace i found
from letting it go
letting bygones be bygones
letting others control themselves
letting things work out
letting things fall through the cracks
letting the space take its time
letting the moments go by
letting the world turn
letting the waves roll
letting the clouds float
letting the rain pour
letting the sun shine
letting me be me
in all my glories
and all my fails

it was time to be different
than all that wallowing and gloom
and i'm still trying to find
just what changed in me
to turn my life around
and right now i know
it's a beautiful day
to talk about beautiful things
through the words i create
in this beautiful sentiment
that i call my own poem
it's about time i wrote one
that has some uplifting
to remind myself
to keep this just for today
with promise for tomorrow

long, hot days
and long, hot moments
give way
to me searching,
reveling,
for my atonement

it's never been fair
or ever been right
it's just so hard to care
when i keep it
long, far away,
and no where near sight

i've been carrying this
i may always will
this nonchalant tryst,
not over this.
because looks like these could ****

and so i roll on
some later day
will give way
to when the pawn...

my mind is wheeling
my thoughts are peeling
my brain is creaking
my synapses are snapping
my feelings are fleeting
my reality is reeling

...so nothing is really as it seems
i insist, to ponder this, all in tonight's dreams...

can someone like me be wrong?
what if
my wrong answer
was just that wrong all along?

because i want to shove you away
say "*******" or "don't"
before you ever
had a chance to say

that you love me or
you will stay
or not stray or
whatever the **** helps you not be alone

was it really just me?
was i all in your mind?
do you stalk me?
do you care?

whatever
my heart hurts
and it, i guess
it really doesn't matter
so i'll look away

but not tomorrow
tomorrow you are still real
and tomorrow, uhm, i'm too busy
because tomorrow i have planned for me
while you have her
and isn't that funny?
because i will always have me,
but maybe you won't
the day after that
or the day after that...

i'm one lost little girl
but maybe i'm in my place
you wouldn't know, wouldn't care
what's left behind this pretty face

and some people do
some people look at me
with such heartfelt love
and admiration
like i'm some angel
that's come from high above

but what about me?
what makes me so special?
what makes me nervous?
and, what, exactly, makes you think i will call?

i've fallen from grace,
can't you see?
i've terminated my soul
there's no brianna left to be

so *******
but you won't
and i'll be who you want me to be
i'll live this life with you
until i don't

i have found myself on auto-pilot
there's nothing i have to do
or i could
i could be anybody
doing anything or
i don't have to do anything i should

it's a dangerous game
these risks surely not worth the weigh
yet i know the rules
i'm good at it
i know how to get away

and that's just the start
not even the scariest part

so reckless
so purposeful
so damaging in any light
i press forward without thought
who cares what is your wrong
or what is your right

i'm making mistakes
i'm ******* up on purpose
it's all i could do
to change my entire apparatus
i'm somebody
and yet nobody
at least that anyone is to admire
i'm just me and today
i have no problem playing with fire

one bite,
one touch...

what the **** was i thinking?

one, two, three, four...

oops.

already ran out of sheep.

*******
look in the mirror
you're no matyr or victim
you have the world to fear

i'll pull you off your cloud
with the noose of my own
the one i meant for myself
but **** the true colors you've shown

i've been fine without you
it's been done before
and you couldn't possible be
the only man i could adore

so go have your beer
or two or three
while i write a few lines
that sets this addict free

if these vows meant a thing
or if you care for me at all
you would have helped me back up
instead of watching me fall

so i mean this with all my heart
and remember it with everything you do
you pull what you pulled with me tonight
and i promise we will be threw
oh yeah, and ******* too

i drove and drove
it was everything i wanted it to be
finally moving
i smiled because i was free

i knew which turns
i remembered my way
if only this road
would have told me what to say

this moment stays fleeting
it only lasts for so long
tonight i remain a prisoner
because of all my life's wrongs...

i simply couldn't avoid it

there it was,

[the crash]

numberless nights now
and you no longer call
i get it, don't bother
not like you speak much at all

i carry my burdens
and repent on my sins
and here you add bricks
as my soul further thins

you're hurt and you're angry
coping with different levels of stress
but i'm the one who needs saving
living life like a hot ******* mess

i've been no priority to you
so says all this time on my own
turn your back, wish the best
so sensible to leave the diseased all alone

after this is over
when i'm no longer being drained
know by doing this without you
consequences my losses and gains
and so truly whatever i can salvage
will be all of me that remains

this is the never ending song
why must we?
do we really have to?
why can't we let this be?

you make me hot and then cold
and right now i couldn't even care
to see you or be around you
i'm tired of you not playing fair

i don't do what i do to hurt you
or break you and make your heart fall
but you certainly conspire this to me
when it's you playing some victim in this all

but there's two sides to every story
and don't worry, you're hardly a victim at all
first you avoid me, then incite hurt
you really do whatever to make me feel so small

against you, who's superior
a poster child of all that's right
well i'll drag you back to earth, my love
so everyone can see you in this light

i know i have my demons
but with all, i still fight the good fight
this has been the longest road
and you couldn't have been further out of sight

i'm not sure why i bother
when you hardly even try
all you do is push me out
so i'm left with solitude to cry

i wish i had the heart to leave
search out a different life
oh, right, i'm sure you forgot
i can't, because i'm just only your wife

c'est la vie

another day sacrificed...

another holiday alone.

i waited, so patiently
for that kiss
one brush against my lips
and feel yours softly
for a moment
just an instant
i needed it awfully

it was a promise
that our rings
and those vows
wouldn't lay to remiss
through burdens
by struggles
we will get through this

oh, how i miss
your comfort
in just one kiss...

this road goes on like forever
not sure where it leads
but finally, a semblance of normal
my life is out of the weeds

i've picked myself up
and dusted off the dirt
still hard to breathe
still want relief for what hurts

no sense in anger
or condemning what hasn't come
the future road lies vacant
from this present, quiet kind of numb

my life will only feel change
when i'm months and months from here
time to fight the good fight and
pardon away my worries, troubles, and fears

twist my thoughts around my finger
if only for sanity's sake
this road has to end somewhere
no matter which way i take

just realized
all my old content

-erased-

*******, myspace.

all of my exes
like closed pages from a book
emanate some lesson
if that's all i really took
relationships are time well-served
don't regret a single one
but i must insist
i got used to this
and i'm glad that they are all done
all done, but one
but that's how it works
no more turning another page
and in marriage we're stuck
until one of us dies from old age
if love is a test
then we've artfully persevered
so no going back to an ex
or moving onto the next
since my exes were really all kind of weird

my first ten word poem
when ten
words aren't
enough.

i've been spinning in circles
my days passed like the breeze
being now on my own
i do mostly what i please

problems still exist
just neatly tucked away
eventually i'll solve them
but i'll get there some other day

i'm not trying to care
i don't want to over-think
after all, that's what got me here
so now i'll swim or sink

tomorrow isn't promised
so today i have spun and spun
what a charming kind of waste of time
while my world has come undone

this is just me, just who i've been
really since i can't even remember when

taking the time, falling from grace
nothing i do can rewind or erase

hands cold, walls breathe, bones become tired
in the life of a space cadet, there's extra care required

i've hit the idle hour, the need to get outside my head
can't do what i want so i need to go to bed

my restless mind wanders, shifts through shades of gray
turn the brain off, doesn't work like it used to anyway

it's the way i feel around you
it's static, it's tangible, and endlessly there
with these souls like magnets
the bond could cut the heaviest of air

our beautiful whirlwind
struck down too soon
it was devastating, impossible
nothing was left to ruin

four broken years
the absence too great
our stars crossed over
it was never too late

more years together
life wished us true
now, again, challenged
please trust what we have to do

i can't predict the future
i won't know the end
but there's science to us
and we don't have to bend

reason your mind
and tread with your heart
we built this life covalently
and entropy has yet to keep us apart

quite some time ago
i wrote and wrote and wrote
it's the only way i'd let the true ache show
i let it spill vapidly across the page
releasing my teenage demons from their cage

i stopped caring for words when the drugs took over
the daily project to not be sober
no more worries and riddled with lies
like ophelia drowning obliviously
no longer caring what lives and who dies

now ten years later, let's try this again
back to my soul, find out who i am
maybe i still exist
somewhere deep down
a sliver, a sparkle, or gleam
maybe just some whisper of sound

this is my journey
to write my life into new
scribble out this disease
and abandon it too
after all, i'm everything my life can be
my world can't exist if there is no me

it's simple, really:
don't worry about what is ******
then, and only then, will you not self-destruct