where were you.

she is more than he bargained for.
she has thoughts, dreams,
a magical mind he
didn’t see coming.
he’s spent days sketching her in his mind,
her locks of mahogany,
doe eyes, freckled nose.
he asked her if she wrote about him,
if she saw his mind as beautiful
as he saw hers.
in the warmth of the moment she forgot
to ask him the same thing.

i would like to burn your name off my lips,
make you take back every sleepless night i spent
sobbing over you.
the problem is you do not know about those nights,
don't know about the little pieces of my heart that break off everytime i see you.
don't tell me unrequited isn't love.
it's simply the worst kind,
a product of what happens when you give your all,
and it's simply not good enough.

do you know how annoying it is
to have to ******* remind yourself
to be happy?
-a.c.b

i can’t get rid of you,
feel the ghost of your fingertips on every inch of my body,
smell your cologne on my pillow case,
the musky scent whispering its way into all my dreams,
which all seem to be about you.
i taste you on my lips,
over and over again my body rejects food
rejects anything that
doesn’t taste like you.
i hear your voice on an endless loop in my head,
both the beautiful lies you spun into me
and the abusive, muddy words
you hurled at me like knives.
but the worst,
the very worst,
is i still see you in everything,
everywhere,
in everything.
everyone.
you will never leave me,
won’t take yourself out of me,
out of my life.
you won’t leave me alone,
won’t let me move on and forgive myself.
i hate you enough to hate myself for loving you.

there's a certain comfort
in knowing it won't last forever,
a sort of grim foreshadowing of the end,
and knowing neither of us were to blame
and knowing we were both too smart
to really believe each other when
we promised forever.
-a.c.b

i’m trying to convince myself
that i don’t love you
but it’s hard when
you can taste poetry on my tongue.
-a.c.b

what i would give
to see what you're listening to,
to know if you hide behind your music like i do,
let the lyrics shout the words
you are too afraid to whisper.

i've learned over time
that when tragedy strikes, it's
so much easier to bury your face in a pillow
and give in to the fog...
and wait.
wait for someone else to come along and make it crystal clear again.
wait for someone else to make sense of all the grey
you see no matter how times you rub your eyes.
but darling, i ask you,
if everyone gives into the fog
who will be left to fight it off?
although it's easier to pray for a knight, a miracle, something,
sometimes you have to save yourself.

1.  ?
2.  ??
3.  ..???
4. ...
5. you don’t.

staring at my smile
cracking in the mirror
wondering if i could save myself
if my mind was a little clearer

it's like i'm driving through the fog
with my high-beams on
spiraling into the same long night
to the tune of our song.

i've always been a little too used to
people saying there's always there
then picking up the phone and only being greeted
by the same empty air

but with him i hoped would be different--
my angel, ripped and scarred
fell for him unconditionally
a little too fast and a little too hard.

he suffers from the same
lack of happiness as do i
drowning in sweaty cotton sheets
as the flashbacks start to cry.

but while he's off fighting
his own demons' shrine
i'm left there alone because
he's got no time for mine

it's day 10 of this madness
and i'm worn down to the bone
it's late here and i can't do this anymore
just thought you should know

that if you're going to stay in my life
you have to put in the time
to talk me down from this ledge
every
****
time.
-a.c.b

i’m like King Midas,
surrounded by gold, the best
but i don’t touch it,
can’t touch the very material
i give off,
can’t make myself the kind of happy
i (apparently) make others.
i give off pure gold,
24k happiness,
but the metal grows cold in
my veins, turns solid
letting the worst seep into my bloodstream
and the best
swirling through the veins of the ones
around me.
oh, how i wish
i could get a taste of that
24k golden sun.
-a.c.b

you are the mirror rebuilt
from all my broken pieces.
-a.c.b

this moment, here
laying with you
face buried in your neck
your arms wrapped all around me
will never
ever
be enough.
forgive me for being greedy,
but i'm a bit of a homebody
and your arms are my home;
baby if you love me
don't let go.
-a.c.b

you fell for me during summer
when i was in full bloom,
when i was open, loving.
ready to face the world.
you fell for me
as i was splashing in the icy waters
of the Jersey Shore,
holding onto setting suns
and tanned legs.

you first felt me fade in Fall,
my leaves crinkling, crumpling.
dying before your very eyes.
i guess you could say that’s when
you saw my true colors,
browns and burgundies and rusty siennas.
i was still warm to the touch, though,
and i reminded you of summer.

it was winter when we
cracked like ice,
those shards slicing our hearts like
Jack Frost paid our freezing love
a visit.  
i remember the cold in my heart,
the ache from the lack of warmth,
the frigid aura
surrounding anything i touched.
that’s when the yelling started;
snow falling so fast and heavy
we were up to our eyes in it
before we could even take a breath.

it is Spring now,
and i am thawing, healing.
i have planted my apologies like wildflowers,
everywhere—
but nowhere on purpose.
i promise you— soon,
i will bloom again.

and when the fingers of age
grace her face,
for it does not matter-
i'll love her the same.

when her chestnut ringlets
turn to silver strings,
for i don't mind-
i'll still be her king.

so i'll love you true,
through and through,
i swear till i'm blue-
it's always you.

you and me till the end of time,
from the day i promised, fingers entwined,
that i am yours
and you are mine,
my bride, my pride,
till the end of time.

oh how i wish you could patch me up like you want to,
if only i'd let you,
if only i could do it for myself.
oh silly boy
i may be raining on the outside
but inside there's a hurricane.
it's so much more than skin deep.

1) I would die without music. I mean really die. The melancholy moodiness of the melodies and the angsty alluring allusions to love... they get me every time.
2) I love the smell of roses; the idea of a natural perfume is beautiful. The way that it was only ever touched by the fingers of Mother Nature is a foreign concept to our man-made world.
3) I don't believe he emanated sunshine, but more, he released a kind of comfortable sadness that I grew to be quite fond of, the kind of sadness that will keep you company on a rainy Sunday.

i was trying to pay attention to your voice, and what you were saying
but instead,
my mind kept wandering to
your crooked teeth,
and the way your eyes crinkle into almonds
when you laugh,
and your t-shirt fitting snugly
around your muscles
and the way your top lip curls down when you smile and
your lips & your lips & your lips.
darling i’m sorry for staring but
you’re adorable,
in a **** kind of way
and the way you glance down at your shoes when you smile
and then back up again
makes me want to kiss you so bad i’m sorry
because i know we silently agreed to take things slow but
i didn’t anticipate you catching me
the way i was caught.
-a.c.b

pain is beautiful, right?
that girl,
you see her over there-
what a **** shame.
she’s so sad...
maybe she’ll be my next
community service project,
maybe i’ll turn her pain
into shockingly bright beauty
see the boy over there?
his chestnut hair is disheveled ,
clothes rumpled like
he’s been wearing them for a week
straight.
roll up his sleeves-
those bright pink cuts are
still glistening ,
razor-straight like he used a ruler,
desperate
for even his pain to be perfect ‘cause
oh god who would accept it
if it wasn’t?
look at that wintery pale girl about
ten feet away...
look at that collarbone,
defined jawline!
aren’t you jealous of her self control?
her ribs are jutting out from
under her cheery yellow shirt but
as long as she has a “beach body,”
it doesn’t matter that
her organs are eating themselves.
don’t tell me pain is beautiful.
you can’t see what’s going on
beneath the surface.

do you ever realize
just how beautiful someone is,
when their face is illuminated by that 5pm glow,
those golden rays coloring their face,
accentuating perfection
on an already perfect canvas?
do you ever realize
just how beautiful someone is,
when they’re excited, talking about something they love,
and you’re encompassed by the bubble they share
because the words can’t tumble out of their mouth fast enough?
do you ever realize
just how beautiful someone is,
when you see them in their element,
writing or teaching or just speaking to a group,
and you know that can’t see you watching
but how could you help yourself cause
oh god
you’ve never seen something
quite so beautiful.

my hand grazed your bicep
i was jostled, i landed in your chest
i laughed as you joked
suddenly feeling out of breath.
you flashed that smile, threw up a peace sign
i could see your face perfectly.
butterflies playing bumper cars in my stomach
god, the way you were looking at me.
it lasted only a moment,
felt like two or three
but two hours later and i can’t stop thinking about it
there’s no place i’d rather be
than with you right now,
i yearn to meet your eyes
to talk for hours and kiss and laugh
and never say goodbye.  
my head says “don’t catch feelings”
but my heart says “why not?”
you’re sensitive, smart, and funny
and so freaking hot!
i’m trying to stay away, i swear
but it’s so **** hard
because you walked into my life and blinded me
by the perfection you are.
-a.c.b

i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
i held my sister while she
fell apart in my arms because
her lover of eight months suddenly told her that
he didn't love her anymore,
and i'm not sure how many times i can stitch her back up
before the cuts are too deep
to be sewn.
i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
my best friend has had her heart broken
too many times to count,
feeble-minded fuckboys or
temperamental tantrums because
she didn't love them back and they decided to
cut all ties.
never once did she get an apology.
i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
every single one of my past
flirtationships
have ended in loss
one way or another,
him or me-- it doesn't matter how
because
i'm still alone.
i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
in a world like this,
it's hard to hold onto something
so fleeting.

and he said
“love, of course
you’re in my perfect day.”
he paused.
“you are my perfect day.”
-a.c.b

you make me think
that it's all been worth it.
all the drama, all the frustration,
all the tears at 2am
because he didn't love me back.
you make me think
that all my patience is being rewarded,
with this beautiful, amazing boy
who loves me for everything i am,
and everything i am not.
thank you,
for touching me with your words
before your hands.
thank you
for making it all worth it.
-a.c.b

i wonder if you’ve noticed,
her fingers are always stained with
black or blue ink,
sometimes purple,
color seeping through the
swirls on her fingerpads,
color imprinted on her milky skin,
forevermore.
you asked why,
she said “writing”
...you never stopped to ask
what kind of writing stains your fingers
everyday?
well,
it’s the kind that takes you over,
the kind that controls you
completely.
the kind where
you don’t know what words will come out of you
until
you see them written on the page
in your own handwriting.
it’s the kind of writing you couldn’t stop,
even if you wanted to.

no one has made me scream color like you,
my petals unfolding and hues brightly painted across my face.
i used to be the raven sky but
now i am the pastel sunrise, i blossom
into something i never thought i could be.
your love has grown me,
changed me,
broken me out of my chrysalis.
baby i
bloom for you.

you told me my aura was pink when we first met;
a rosy, pulsing bubble
that soon gave way to lilac nights
and obsidian skies,
hearts overlapping like the venn diagrams you always hated to draw in primary school.
you caressed my skin so lightly i sometimes wonder if it was never your fingers at all,
but instead the summer breeze i soon learned to call my home,
the breeze that soon gave way to autumnal rust
and winter chills,
the cold air slipping under my shirt like
the sadness i never asked for.
you told me my aura had turned from coral
to cerulean
to cobalt
to ash
to obsidian, and it reminded you
of the skies we used to leap under.
you told me you had never seen a flower
quite so sad.
i told you that i had never seen my sun
burn brighter.

i fold my legs and clasp my hands,
i dream of faraway, utopian lands.
i close my eyes and count to five,
wondering if i'll ever feel truly alive.

i've lived my life for one boy alone,
blonde hair- my heart, blue eyes- my home.
but beyond his eyes, i've yet to see,
it's time to start
living for me.

look at me.
look how fragile i seem on the outside.
look at my mahogany eyes,
my walnut hair streaked with the sun's rays.
my kind smile, fair skin.
i look innocent, don't i?
i look harmless, right?
i can break easily?
no.
my heart is made of steel,
only growing stronger each time i let someone in that betrays me.
my soul is cut out of the strongest, hardest
diamond out there,
but it is equal parts obsidian and milky opal.
i can throw a punch that would surprise a grown man;
hear my roar from within.
i may look like a lady-
act like one, too,
but i am stronger than i look.
i have been knocked down more times than i can count,
and i have picked myself up each time,
becoming smarter, stronger, more experienced.
i will not change for you,
dress for you,
sugarcoat for you.
but you know what i will do?
surprise you.
i will always surprise you.

i hate small talk.
in such an enigmatic world,
convoluted and destitute of magic,
who cares about the weather?
at 1o'clock in the morning,
as we're sitting up drowning in caffeine like a life source
i want to know why your mother left when you were ten.
i want to know where that scar on your arm is from,
how your marvelous compositions originated.
i need to know your most reclusive dreams,
your thoughts and plans for the future planned years in advance.
i don't care about your 9-5 job--
who was your first love?
and
are you finally over how she broke your heart?
i understand if you're not.

let's skip the small talk, love.
i want to know you.

isn't it crazy to think
that tomorrow could be the day i fall in love?
tomorrow could be the day
i make someone my everything,
perhaps a classmate i've never noticed or
a friend who,
up until tomorrow,
was nothing more.
perhaps the barista that takes my order with a wink
or the cashier at Wawa
that rings up my lonely pint of Ben&Jerry's.
isn't it crazy to think
that  everything could change in a few short minutes?
by thinking that it could all change tomorrow
might just help you
get through today.

i am from a peach colored bedroom
and an overflow of stuffed animals.
i am from a childhood of make-believe.
i am from innocence.
i am from a supportive family and loving friends;
i am from a place where i was used to
losing relationships.
i am from lonely days
and even lonelier nights,
my only sunshine-- a boy i know all too well.
i am from giggling whispers and sweet smiles;
i am from a school full of jerks...
that i fell for anyways.
i am from a constant sense of not belonging,
a paranoia I'm at the bottom.
i am from the need to define myself,
to be represented with words and lyrics
that prove i'm not alone.
i am from a world so familiar
it hurts.

when September came
i was reminded why exactly
our love had only stayed above water in the warm air.
with Autumn’s arrival
so did the realization
that our love had since drowned.

this world has a funny way
of ripping the life you want to live
right out of your hands, rip him right out of your arms
and
forcing you to survive in a world
you don’t want to live in;
sometimes living is worse than dying.
-a.c.b

the words aren't building right,
the syllables are off and
it doesn't sound right,
no
sad isn't the word,
it's so much more,
blue isn't the right color
nothing is rhyming and i'm
running out of time
and why is it sometimes so hard to write?

i'm sorry i seem weak to you.
i'm sorry you're not used to swimming in my brash words,
my confidence in myself.
i'm sorry you're intimidated by me,
by my successes and dreams for a future you're not included in.
i'm sorry you couldn't see me for the beautiful person i am;
i'm sorry you didn't learn earlier that i do not tolerate abuse.
but mostly i apologize to myself
for putting my body through the kind of pain it went through,
the kind of pain i called loving you.

it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that i've become incapable of being optimistic,
lost the ability to believe in empty cliches like
"it will get better."
it,
this mysterious pronoun has had a year and a half
to get its **** together,
to get better.
it hasn't been able to tell me
what the hell is going on in my brain.
it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that my thoughts are smoke rings swirling around my head
clouding my vision,
tainting my decisions,
inhibiting my inhibitions.
it's hard to see the light when the spectrum is in
black & white,
the same monotone colors like
the dimness of my phone screen as
grey tears fall on it, dissipating
the smoke rings around my head.
it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that sometimes i stand in the shower with
the water so hot i can
just
barely
take it but
isn't that the irony of it anyways?
the only time i can feel,
the only time i can breathe
is when i'm being drowned in a torrent of hell-water.
don't worry, satan approves of my
misgivings.
it's not that i'm depressed.
it's just that my words clot in my veins like stones
jabbing at my insides to be let out,
crawling up my throat,
begging,
no--
demanding
to be let out or else.
or else what? you may ask.
well the answer is or else
i may never see the sun again,
i may never smile that smile
so many say could light up a city.
it's not that i'm depressed.
just maybe a little sad
sometimes.

i overlooked the red in your rage,
the orange in your fiery words.
i saw past the yellow lights flashing from your skin,
WARNING, WARNING they had said,
but i didn't listen.
i pretended i couldn't see the green in your eyes that always gave way to jealousy,
the blue in your endless pool of sadness that i could never staunch.
towards the end i couldn't even see the indigo in the sky as we danced under starts for the last time,
or when you wore the violet shirt i bought you for your birthday last year.
all i could see was the white in your lie
when you promised forever.

i know i’m still damaged.
broken, even.
i know i’m still healing, or
have yet to heal,
or i still need help but
in this salty air,
in this beautiful country,
i feel okay
for the first time in a
long time.
i feel okay.

i’ll drive
if you’re in charge of music,
grab the crumpled up money in the top drawer of your dresser
and boy let’s go
up, out, and away from this town
away from the rules and the constraints binding me
to a life i don’t want to live,
let’s go
to a life i do want to live
a life with you,
rain smearing the traffic lights down the windshield of my car
music blaring through the open air
between us, the love
between us, is charged
electrified
feel the hairs on my arm stand up as
you shout my name, the trip
of a lifetime
you are
once in a lifetime
i guess i just want
a lifetime
with you.
-a.c.b

i'm tired of it.
tired of never-ending rainstorms
and oceans promising hydration
when all i get is salt rubbing against my organs
like sandpaper.
tired of lightning striking twice
and landing me in the same situation i'm always in.
tired of preaching about self love and then always hating myself
no matter what,
for going back to the same people,
going back to the same bad habits,
never truly healing.
tired of stressing about stress so much that
my eye starts twitching and
all i want to do is sleep.
tired of having no motivation,
no interests,
sometimes walking through the day in a haze
while other times i can't stop the waterfall of tears.
tired of believing people when they say it'll get better,
believing people when they say they'll be there.
save it for someone else,
i couldn't believe it even if you
meant it anyways.

who am i
to write about a boy that doesn’t belong to me?
your hand isn’t mine to hold, lips to kiss.
i am meant to be in solitude,
but oh how i wish
to have someone i don’t have to explain myself to,
someone i don’t have to apologize to
for my involuntary flinch
when i hear certain words.
someone who will tell me
“baby it’s not your fault your past is so ******* up.”
and we would swallow bits of the stars
so we could share the stories of our ancestors and
read each other’s horoscopes and
ooh & ahh about
how compatible we are.
oh how i wish to have someone
who will make me forget
i am meant to be in solitude.

yes, i'm falling for him but
you're still tugging at my mind,
reminding me to
cry a little harder for you.
i'm left wondering who
your blue eyes are piercing now,
who are you saying "i love you" to,
promising forever?
i'm sure she'll trust you,
sure she'll start writing poetry about your eyes
cause god have you ever seen something so blue?
i wonder if you'll break her

like you did me.

one day i’ll grow up
and i’ll become the girl
who falls in love with a boy
and makes him her world;

i’ll go through my life
with a hand by my side
love in my heart
and a man on my mind-

a man like my father
honest and true
picks me up when i’m sad
paints me pink when i’m blue.

one day i’ll grow up
and find a love of my own
start a life together and a family
buy ourselves a home.

i’ll go through my life
with an eternal kiss on my lips
through the pain and the fights
any stumbles or hardships.

i’ll be a woman like my mother
a warrior of her own
strength exuding through every breath-
with him, and alone.
-a.c.b

it’s so much easier to just
let myself drown in my tears than
to fight back.
-a.c.b

i’m used to rainy days.
and it’s okay,
because i’ve always loved the rain,
loved the smell of it
and feel of it
and taste of it, as an earthy drop
lands on my lips.
i know that there are
unexplained rainy days,
where nobody could predict it
but the storm hit so
hard & heavy
that it couldn’t help but drown the one,
unlucky girl standing under the rain cloud.
but i also know that
these days are supposed to be
few & far between, at least
where i’m from.
but lately,
(does the last two years still count as “lately?”)
the rain clouds keep showing up,
pounding me again & again
before i get the chance to breathe
like an unrelenting ocean.
i honestly can’t remember
what the sun feels like,
and that scares me
because the girl once filled with it
is now soaked,
waterlogged—
rain streaming out of every pore.
too much of anything can
make you hate it—
i can now confidently say that
i hate the rain.
-a.c.b

hand shaking
decision making-
poor as always
i am mistaken
fell for the wrong one,
words slipped from my tongue
without a second thought
i'm coming undone.
"think before you speak,
you're individually unique"
but how do you love yourself
when your heart's always asleep?
dreaming about pain,
the never-ending rain,
help me please don't
let my words be in vain.
i'm trying to love you from far away
but i'm struggling to get through my day
without your eyes in my life
god i don't know what else to say.
distracted with another,
you're still my favorite lover
but i'm tired of all this
treating you like my brother.
everything is falling gray
no one will actually stay
despite how much i beg
"please don't let it be this way."
i deceive and i lie
without a reason to oblige,
talk me down from this ledge...
stop telling me goodbye.