oh, how tragically beautiful-
the two poets so madly in love
yet their hurricanes rage so deep inside;
they cling to each other with the hope that
the flames of their passion
will extinguish the monsoons of their demons.
-a.c.b

i never catch you staring at me
but i guess it's when i'm not looking,
when i'm turned away or
gazing out the window,
singing my favorite song.
oh darling,
i've never thought of myself being as beautiful
as the way my name is typed on your keyboard,
but i guess my brass hair
can shine in the sun.
oh beloved,
there is so much for you to learn,
so much time for you to decide
that i'm too much.
but let's not be naive, honey, okay?
boy,
of course i know it's about me.

i said i was over you but
you were laying there, and i wanted
nothing more
than to lay my head on your chest,
feel your heartbeat below my cheek.
i said i was over you but
with my head pressed against your back
as
you gave me a piggy-back ride,
just so my feet wouldn't get wet,
i couldn't help but to savor the feeling of my arms
around you.
i said i was over you but
you were laughing as you joked around with my family,
and i could tell you were comfortable,
and i could tell they love you,
and all i could do was sit and look at you,
for i don't think i've ever seen something so beautiful.
i said i was over you but
when i hugged you,
remarking how tall you are and
you momentarily rested your hands on my hips...
my breath caught and i know i was
blushing
before you wrapped your arms around me again.
i said i was over you  but
i'm pretty sure i swore
never to write poetry about you again...
so what is it i'm doing right now?

just a few short words
and i’ve already made a promise to myself,
a promise that,
this time,
i will not rush into things so quickly.
i will not share my words,
make brash declarations,
open this heart that’s been guarded for
so long.
i will take things slowly,
feel out the situation,
and let what happens,
happen.

with the windows rolled down
and the radio turned up,
don’t you ever tell me this isn’t enough.
cause this is it right here
the only thing i need.
you in the drivers seat,
right beside me.
you are my knight,
my protector and shield
our souls chase each other
through the sunflower fields.
wondering where we’ll go
when our bodies are no more
but we know that our souls will stay together,
forevermore.
and the moon hangs on top of the world
the spotlight of our love,
we dance and sway to the background
of the stars above.

how is it possible to miss someone
i’ve never met before?

the days where i'm always happy
have come and gone...
if Life is the player
then i am the pawn.
toxic thoughts seep through my skull--
stress and jealously and doubt.
he soothes me with his voice,
says, "keep calm in the fallout."
i can't help myself,
nothing from anyone else, either.
happy? sad?
but i am neither.
empty is the best way to put it,
ignoring all feelings- old and new.
to be honest, it helps distract me
from missing you.
i wish i didn't always forge
such deep and meaningful connections,
always forced to deal with
such painful recollections.
i dream of the day i grow up
and finally find my "last,"
my first- now only
a distant memory in my past.

give me a bottle of cheap whiskey
a pile of unread books
and a flickering lightbulb
and i will show you my idea of
a good time.

give me the summer of ‘16
a bottle labeled perfume
and a white, empty canvas
and i will heat you glass out of sand.

give me a plane ticket and passport
an old rickety suitcase
and an Italian dictionary
and i will show you the world.

give me a worn leather journal,
a bleeding ballpoint pen
and my olive-skinned muse
and i will write you the universe.
-a.c.b

he is a map of constellations in my mind,
shining brighter than the North Star
and more superior than the entire Milky Way.
boy, you are
my entire universe.

it's okay to feel.
baby i know
the world is telling you you're weak if you
feel,
that the tears in your eyes symbolize your lack of strength,
but you've been strong for too long,
i know that, i do;
so honey
let  
     it
         go.
let those tears pour down your face
with the strength of a million wails,
scream! cry! let the sobs
tear through your body
until the moans can barely escape your lips.
let your face contort
into a picture of agony,
feel each
individual string in your heart
pull
pull
snap.
fall on your knees, pound the floor
jesus let yourself be "weak."
and then pick yourself back up,
fix your smudged lipstick, and
learn to forgive the world
and yourself.
learn to live again.

i never break promises,
that is, until i met you.
"i promise i won't fall in love with you,"
but the words tumbled out of my mouth before i really considered them,
before i realized what i would do for a boy that treats me like gold,
a boy like you.
i'm sorry i broke my promise, darling;
it was never my intent.

my infinite happiness,
endless source of despair.
my worst nightmare and
my favorite fairy tale.

the meringue at the end of my fork is strong;
it stands on its own, whipped
light, airy
it is filled with sugary sweet air
but soon,
it collapses, deflates
air oozes out through the cracks in its armor
soon it is nothing
but a cracked shell on the ground,
empty, hopeless
unaware that it ever knew how
to stand on its own.
-a.c.b

oh baby
kiss me under a midnight sun,
a full moon,
a garden of stars.
replace the neurons in my brain
with phantom thoughts of you.
i want your name
d r i p p i n g
from my tongue like honey.
shower me in your words,
let me bathe in your stanzas
and drown in the syllables that escape your frozen lips.
the passion consumes me,
your eyes ensnare me,
oh baby,
let me be your queen.

he fell for my words
before he fell for me,
drinking in all my commas
and caesuras
and “random” capitalizations
before he got to know
my mahogany eyes or
love for elephants and
all things pink.
he fell for my words before he saw
just how not okay i am,
but i guess,
by reading my words,
he already knew that.

i've always wanted to fill my notebooks
with beautiful words
so now i just fill them with your name.

all i ask for
is a little effort
in return.

somehow;
all this time later, i'm still dreaming about you
i'm still writing about you,
still pining after you.

and when i feel lonely i don't know what to do,
so i think about you,
i still think about you.

and while you don't even know...
but maybe you do?
i think that you do,
you know i care about you.

but what you may not know,
well if you read this you do.
i'll never be over you;
i'm still in love with you.

and i guess i should just say that
even though we are through,
it's always been you;
it'll always be you.

you look like Christmas morning.
-a.c.b

with a heavy heart,
i write.
i write to save my life,
to make myself feel something
when the rain pounding my window
gets too monotonous.
i write to confirm my faith
in words,
that even when everyone else fails me,
they will be waiting
(to be bled)
on my notebook's pages.
they don't judge me.
i write when
i am in love,
when i need an outlet to expel color,
when i need a list of metaphors
(to compare to his eyes).
my pen is the only one who knows
why i press so hard
(when i write your name).
i write because i'm broken,
because even the closest to me
don't know
what the hell is going on beneath the surface.
i'm sorry for isolating myself but
you couldn't help me anyways.
i write to remind myself
of the beating of my own heart,
the tears in my eyes, half-moons
in my palms.
(i write to remind myself
that i am alive.)

sometimes i just feel like the words clot in my veins and the ink is spilled on my soul and my heart is ripped like the pages of my favorite notebook. my lips are the cracked leather cover from too many forced smiles and the light in my eyes is only the artificial light bulb i use at 3am so i can see what i'm writing. my verses are as repetitive as my endless reassurances, condolences, apologies. mother, i have nothing to be sorry for. my limbs are stiff like the spines of all those bound books i asked for for christmas, sitting somewhere in my room as a heap. i said i wanted to be a writer; i did not want to become my writing.

it always starts the same way-
mild disinterest, apathy
growing like ivy on old stone,
rapidly multiplying until you can’t even
find the door.
then comes the anxiety,
an iron fist clenched around the tendons of my heart,
questioning ever decision i make, every
thought floating through my mind like
my own soul, never tied down.
it haunts me in my dreams, sneaks up
behind me whenever i forget about it.
my own mind is my downfall.
third is the sadness, of course
but it’s happened enough by now
that you can see the shroud of darkness from
a mile away, maybe
next time you can warn me that it’s coming,
shout at me to run before
it consumes me again. sure,
the sadness is pain but
at least by then i know it’s coming,
from the moment i lose interest in my grades
snap at my friends
cry because my heart aches.
at least i can prepare myself, pray
this time it will be fast
even though i know it won’t.
at least i can spend longer crafting the perfect lie,
stop hating myself so much because i know
when the time comes my own resolve
will crumble...
just like that old ivy covered stone.
at least i know that one day,
i’ll see the sun again.

there’s just something about the way
you say you love me
that makes me feel like
i can’t live without you.
-a.c.b

i guess i have a thing for blonde hair, blue eyes
something about the way i fall into the ocean
of those two heartbreakers,
the way they contrast his light hair.
but i never guessed that i could fall in and drown,
my lungs screaming for air,
while i tell them to please shush so i can hear him speak.
sacrificing myself for a boy who doesn't even want me.

for you,
anything.

i feel the pain scraping at the inside of your organs;
i will heal you with my words,
bloom poems from your shattered bones.
i will plant gardens within the fertile depths
of your beautiful mind, a little dusty
a little *****
but
flowers make everything better, is what you told me
so i will pick you flowers from every bush i find
until my hands are rubbed raw from the coarse vines,
until my fingers are bleeding
from all those unassuming thorns, i will shower you
in the love you've never felt, with the love i always feel
but sometimes forget to share with you.
i will paint you with my words
until you can only see the true beauty you radiate,
until you can only see the poetry running through your veins.

for you,
everything.
-a.c.b

i’m sorry.
i’m sorry in advance for the person i will be
when you meet me,
worse off than i am now,
if you can believe that.
if you want to blame someone please
do not blame me,
be patient with me, dear,
i promise i will get better.
blame the boy with strands of copper for hair,
electricity running through him.
i thought the sparks shooting off him
were a novelty
until they marred my arms with embers that
dissolved into flames and i was turned to ash
before he could ever apologize.
blame the boy with those eyes,
sapphires planted in his face where
eyes should be,
such a stunning color i looked past how
he could never love me.
my love, i wasted
two years (and counting) of my life on this
boy,
hopefully,
by the time i meet you i will be
over him.
you deserve so much more than
a girl still clinging to her past
with white knuckles.
blame the boy that i fell for
much too fast,
...correction:
thought i fell for.
by the time i meet you i hope
i know that
no matter how lonely i am,
i should not force something
that is not meant to be.
dear,
i am trying to heal from that,
trying to assure myself that i will not
lose feeling so quickly,
dilute something that was so beautiful and full of life
into something i cannot bear to look at.
my future lover,
i apologize in advance but
if i think i will give you any less than
all of me,
i will let someone else love you.

and then i said
"goodnight, darling, i'm going to bed.
but oh how i wish
i were in yours."
-a.c.b

i used to think
the sparks were fireworks,
when really,
it was metal against metal
screeching, screaming
until the whole thing
finally
came to a grinding halt.
[acb]

with words made of thread and
lips like a needle,
you weaved your words through me,
healed me, closed
all wounds.
but the thread was thin,
easy to break, and
with the slightest force, it snapped.
each time i turned away, there you were
with that same golden thread and those same loving lips,
ready to fix me over
and over again.
but how many times can the wound reopen
before it can’t be sewn up again?
how many times can i get my heart broken,
before learning that it’s okay not to forgive?
how many times does it take for you to pull back
until one day, finally
you just don’t come back?

why couldn’t i speak,
think of anything to say?
why didn’t i tell him
i was always just one call away?
my feelings lay in a heap,
my heart is a catastrophe.
my god,
he wouldn’t even look at me.
why am i rhyming?
i’m so beyond structure.
baby
           i
               am
                       falling
                                    apart.
                                                  you
                                                           gave
                                                   me
                                           the
                               world,
                      said
                   i
         was
your
          girl.

what                 ever
                 happened              to
forever                          and
              
                   always?

you never know what you need
when it’s standing right in front of you,
blurred lines of the person you’re
supposed to love
too close up to realize until
it’s much too late.

i must ask myself,
“what is it that
i’m really afraid of?”
i guess, all this time
i’ve been under the impression that
we feel the same way.
just suppressing our feelings until
we can make sense of them but
what if i’m wrong?
what if you meant it
when you said that
you were riding this one out solo?
i guess that’s what’s stopping me
from telling you,
from giving you that letter.
at this point,
i don’t know if i could take
another romantic failure, another
set of months spent
crying and fuming
and writing angsty breakup poems
about a boy i never even dated.
i guess i’m still afraid of
rejection.

it’s so easy
to talk about my future with you.
a small herd of animals,
a couple of brown-eyed babies
and an apartment in the city.
if i close my eyes
and let go of all logic,
for a split second i can let myself see it.
-a.c.b

you are my morning, my evening,
and my night
my everyday love
my hate, my spite.
you are the birds that sing
up in the trees
with that look on your face that
brings me to my knees
you are my weakness, my lover
my passion every night,
every nightmare, every kiss
every makeout and fight.
you are the sky that sets aflame
at 9 in the afternoon
i see an imprint of your smile
in the milky, dusty moon.
i’m in love with every smirk, every
moan and every sigh,
in love with the way i can see my future
reflected in your eyes.
-a.c.b

somehow your words struck such a
chord within me,
those delicate sentences strung together with
pure emotion i wonder
how the same 26 letters could create
something the complete opposite.
you took your hands and
pried your chest open,
showed me the heart inside, showed me
what that heart beats for
while making it clear
it doesn't beat for me.
-a.c.b

i am not his responsibility.
i am supposed to be strong.
i am supposed to be self-loving, independent.
i am not supposed to need him,
to yearn for his honey drenched words to shower over me
until my tears have dried.
it is not fair that he is my drug,
that i am more addicted to him than i could ever be
to anything else.
it scares me just how much
i can't live without him.

i can't stop thinking about
all those afternoons bled to evenings
spent in your room with the shades drawn tight,
a single beam of light from the setting sun that peaks in
and highlights your face above mine,
all those times you would
pause from kissing me
just to remind me
that you loved me,
all those times i ran my fingers up and down
your bare chest, curled up against your neck
breathing you in,
all those times
your merciless lips covered every inch of me
made me forget the own taste of mine
without your tongue between my teeth
i can't stop thinking about
all those times
i fell in love with you over & over again.
-a.c.b

when life finally quiets down
i hope you don’t think of me
as white noise

I FREAKING LOVE POETRY. i don't care that the boys snicker about me behind my back because i was writing verses on the top of my math binder. i don't care that my friends call me overdramatic for it, don't care that everyone forgets to support my endeavors until it concerns them don't care don't care don't care

2. LOVING YOURSELF DOES NOT MAKE YOU SELFISH. my love, it's necessary. it's okay to look in the mirror and think you're pretty. it's okay to put on makeup because you like the way it looks, or wear nothing on your face at all. it's okay to wear a dress because you know it's your crush's favorite color, but it's also okay to dress up for yourself. wear what you want, do what you want. **** **** up.

3. SHOOT YOUR SHOT 2018. go for it. go for him, go for her. take a risk. the worst thing they can say is no! and if they say no, you get the next best thing... closure and the ability to move on! release your fears like a truckload of bricks and let yourself learn to love.

4. YOU ARE TRYING YOUR BEST. YOU, YES YOU. life is freaking hard. it will kick your ***. but the question you need to ask yourself is will you get back up? there are dark days. i won't deny it, there are days when the rain won't stop pouring and you'll be drowning in it. but then, one day, the rain will cease and the sun will shine again. it may seem like a stretch, but one day.... i promise.

5. EVERYONE, LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. if i want to be a writer, let me. an engineer? that, too. take the classes i want? yep. hang out with the people i want to be surrounded with? definitely. don't judge my choices and compare them to your own, there's a reason i made that decision and not you. mind your own business, if it concerns you, i will consult you.

autumn tinges the world an earthly orange
as the leaves fall at a lazy pace,
littering the ground with the only litter this world should allow.
a shooting star falls from the sky
showering us with bits of moonlight
and age-old stars,
glimmering with what used to be.
i,
for you,
i fall for you with the audacity of a best friend
no holding back and nothing to break my fall.
when it comes to the art of falling
i can only pray to God you'll be there to catch me.

i've never met someone who has made me realize
sometimes words just aren't enough.
sometimes the feelings surpass the rules of grammar,
stanza breaks,
word choice.
sometimes they surpass each and every one
of those 26 letters,
because not a single one could form a word
that gives justice to your beauty,
to your character,
to how you make me feel.
your love is turning me redundant,
taking away all originality
since every one of my poems now
is written with you in mind.
i'd be upset, except
the payoff is so much greater.
-a.c.b

my heart has turned dark,
blood frigid in my veins.
my mind was never so convoluted,
thoughts so dark.
i used to be a different girl, and to be honest,
i miss her.

it's true, what i said...
the way you look at me
makes me feel like
i am enough.
-a.c.b

sorry if this is
too forward but i think that
you are wonderful.

baby it's not that i don't love you
or don't see a future with you
it's just that
the thought of ever not knowing you
makes me want to fling myself off a cliff-
my love,
these tears streaming down my face right now is just my way of saying
i love you so much it hurts
so please
don't say i don't care
i just care so much
i sometimes forget to show it.
-a.c.b

i look at you and wonder
how anyone ever thought it was okay
to let you think
you deserve anything less than
the world.

you promised never to make me cry;
promised never to say goodbye.
you stared me down with eyes so blue
and painfully said, "i bid you ado."

and i thought at night that you'd come home
but as i sat, compulsively, checking my phone
i realized- it's true, you're finally gone,
tired of singing my sad broken song.

so i turned to the bottle to wash down my pain,
but it didn't succeed in numbing my brain.
when i closed my eyes i only saw you,
staring me down with eyes so blue.

i spin for you,
like a record on replay
i spin,
music filling the air around me in such a way
i could reach out and grab
each
singular
note.
i’ve always resented songs on replay,
the monotony of the same voice
saying the same thing
for an eternal loop.
but baby i could sing along
to the sound of your laughter, all day
because for some reason it’s a song
i already know all the words to.
in any case our love
is music to my ears, every
note
melody
symphony
even the screams are
a cacophony of passion, pain,
permanent feelings
no one could ever stop playing.
don’t tell me our love anything but beautiful.
our song says otherwise.

i can feel your tangible thoughts
ebbing through the phone i know
you’re hurting, i know
there’s nothing i can do but
here we go again with my overthinking
and my mind running
untamed, unchecked
you’re so ******* unpredictable but
god you’re so enigmatic i want nothing more
than to run my fingers along your jawline
please stop hurting
you are far too special
to be so alone.
-a.c.b