Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Alexis K Apr 20
Sick indeed.
But a fantasy it would be.

Follow me home...
Rip my heart from its chest.
Dismember my body,
So I can be free.

A fantasy of choice,
Not taken by me.
"How to sign up to be a murderers' next victim?"
Alexis K Feb 28
Words scribbled in agony...
Cries screamed into the void...

Sounds of life.
Of coping.

Silence is the real killer.
When I need the most.
I say the least.
Alexis K Oct 2023
I'm so tired
But I can't sleep

My eyes burn
But I can't sleep
Alexis K Apr 2019
More often than Not.
I am in my own thoughts.

They tend to freak me out.
They always make me doubt.

I doubt myself,
I doubt everyone else.

I doubt my friends,
And I wonder when we will end.

And when I'm in a group,
I simply turn to soup.

I move wherever they push me,
and absently agree.

I when I try to talk,
I mess up so much they gawk.

When someone says I am easy to get along with,
I dont tell them its because I am liquid, sliding along their width.

I simply go with the flow,
Allowing them to think they know.
Alexis K Aug 2023
I want to go home.
I'm tired, please let me go.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I just wanna go home.

"You haven't even left yet"
Alexis K Mar 2021
This is stupid.
Just breathe.

This is stupid.
Just smile.

This is stupid.
But I cannot fight it off.
This feeling of hatred and disgust.

This is stupid.
But I avoid mirrors.
Because the red marks are too much to handle.
I can't look at my body the way you do.
Do you embrace me because of my "beauty" or is it your pity?

This is stupid.
But I cannot stop myself from crying.

This is stupid.
Becuase I know we are all worthy of love and respect.
I know we all deserve clothes that fit our own body.
I know that fat and beautiful do not exist separately.
But I cannot shake the feeling that I am the exception.
So ******* Stupid
We have to try and love ourselves at all points in our lives. Even when that's hard.
Alexis K Jun 14
When you are [suicidal],
Every single item runs through your mind.
Of course first its the medicine cabinet.
And then the guns.
Before the knives, razors better yet.

Rope will cross your mind,
But then again so will a cotton tie.
The steering wheel has always been in the back of your mind.
After you live alongside it, you begin to imagine more.

Today I notice:
A small sewing needle laying idle on my desk.
I notice the way it is thin and easy to swallow,
Just like my morning goulash of meds.
I notice how it's small but not small enough.
Not small enough to not puncture my organs.
Small enough to swallow.
Large enough to not come back.
And when this thought crosses my mind I imagine:

I begin to choke,
It hurts just like my entire life has stung.
It sears me from the inside out.
I know it's the end.

Blood spurts up and out my throat.
My eyes burn with the last tears I'll ever cry.

I see myself gripping my throat, instinct kicking in.
I imagine the feel of the needle making its way down,
Slicing me alive.
Or Maybe getting stuck.
For my choke and die.
I see the life drain from my own eyes.

And instead of distress when this came across my mind.
I felt at ease.
I couldn't do it while I have people who would be impacted, and yet it never fails to cross my mind. I will always wish I was strong enough to try before they could care.
Alexis K Jun 2023
I would never make it
In the world today
If we didn't find each other.
Alexis K Apr 2019
I am inexplicably excited to experience that love.
The love my mother had with my father.
The love that movies are made from.
The love that poems derived from.
The love that songs are based on.
The love the is irrevocable.
The love that is idolized.
The love the joins two.
The love that is true.
I am inexplicably excited to experience that love.
Alexis K Feb 2022
Finally, I've arrived.
My heart and mind can now rest.

If only my arrival wasn't equally my departure.
Alexis K Jun 2020
Freshman year:
"Creepy-Crusty Freshman"
We thought we had it together,
but everyone else knew.
We were just beginning,
We were separate, naive and secluded.

Sophomore year:
Forgotten students.
Not ready for college
Yet not a new baby to coddle,
We were simple floating and following the beaten path.

Junior Year:
Most stressful endeavors
ACTs, SATs, AP tests
Do good they said,
Prepare for senior year,
"It goes by fast"
So do this and do that, but don't do that.

Senior Year:
Apply for colleges!
Don't be late! Meet the deadlines!
Senioritis.
We wanted it to go by fast and they said it would, and it did.
So fast that our last day was March 16th
Instead of May 22nd
We had no idea that we would never say a proper goodbye,
that we would never throw our caps to fly high,
that we would never dance to tacky music for the last time at our 'senior prom'
We had no idea what senior year would be.
But we now know what it was not.
It was not easy
not simple or complete,
straight-forward or whole,
Not ordinary and certainly not fair.

2020 Seniors did not get a senior year.
We did not get open houses for the masses,
Or graduation with peers from our classes.

In kindergarten we were told to stand tall and speak up, and chin up. Make friends because they'll be with you your whole school life. One day you will cross the stage with them.

But senior year we were told to be quiet, wear a mask. Stay inside, don't say goodbye, good luck on your own. You'll graduate alone.
Coming from a 2020 senior, this year has been rough on us and extremely weird. This is just to try and make it a little clearer for people who don't understand how it has affected seniors. I have personally seen adults attack seniors for sharing their emotions and to say that we were overreacting. But this is a global pandemic that has LITERALLY stripped us of our senior experiences. I had bought my prom dress before we knew we weren't coming back, i bought my cap and gown and was looking forward to walking the stage. Unable to do these things, it affects us.
Alexis K Sep 2019
Suddenly the gorgeous blue sky is making you mad
Suddenly the wind in your hair reminds you of what you can't have
Suddenly you can see yourself laying on the road in front of you
Suddenly your friends make you tired
Suddenly the alcohol doesn't taste as good and the high is gone
And suddenly, you're in a low.
And you feel like going slow.
And you don't care to know.
And you just wanna go.
Home.
Alexis K Aug 2023
I won't lie, they've been hard.
Harder than the last few before.
Every night my room is empty save myself.
Every night my bed is cold on one side.
And every night I lay is just the beginning of your day.
Ps. This is my 100th posted poem.
Alexis K Apr 2019
Then
Luscious and green
Pine, oak, maple, and more
The best ever seen
Lilacs, sunflowers, and daisies galore

Beautiful


Now
Pollute, Pollute and Pollute some more
Baby turtles dying
Because of man-made stores
Consumers still buying

Corrupt
Alexis K Jun 2018
We all have baggage
We all have hate
We All bleed red
Yet we all discriminate

We all have bodies
We all have a different color and size
Yet We have a "perfect" body
That we all buy

We don't all have money
We don't all have fame
Yet this is what we all base it off of
Your status or you name
Alexis K Sep 2021
Who needs therapy?
Not me.
Not when writing is free.
Alexis K Feb 2021
I need to lose weight
But I need to love me for who I am
I need to lose weight
But I deserve clothes that fit my body now
I need to lose weight
But I need to be happy the way I am.
Alexis K Jan 2019
Sometimes I wonder
If this world is just a blunder
If one day
We'll all be escorted away

Sometimes I hope
That's there's somewhere better
We will all stay
Till the world's been cleansed with soap

Sometimes I desire
For this world to die.
So that we can rebuild
Without all the smoke and fire

It's not just the people
But the buildings they make
That break our beautiful world down
Until it's all fake.
Alexis K Oct 2023
My heart is beating in my chest.
In my head.
In my fingertips.
My tummy is cramping and the pillow is making noise.

I can't get the pillow to keep quiet,
I can't keep my head from pounding with the thumping of my heart.
The porch light sears it's way through the blinds and blackout curtains.
Snores surround me from my partners.

But I can't get the pillow to keep quiet.
I push my head harder into the bed.
But the throbbing of my heart travels to my toes.
Why is my heart so loud?
Why is the light so bright?
Why won't the pillow keep quiet?
I'm tired.
Alexis K Aug 2021
I wish I could tell you,
Just how tired I am.
But the word tired is not strong enough.
Exhaustion would make it sound as if I had been running marathons.
Yet even sitting in my room all day,
I am exhausted by noon.

The moment I awake in the morning
With the sun rising, the warmth on my skin
and butterflies flying, birds chirping away the day.
As soon as I open my eyes to the trees in view,
I am tired again.

I can sleep all night and never make a sound.
I could sleep like a rock, and still.
I am so tired.

I am tired when I am alone
and I am drained when I am not.
I am tired of fighting myself all day long.
I am tired of being tired.

Even though I want to say hello,
I am too tired to engage.
I am too tired to stand up for myself,
or interject to correct.
I am sorry my being tired gets in the way.

It gets in the way every single day.
Alexis K Jul 2021
I'm tired, I say.
But didn't you say you were depressed?
Why yes, I am depressed.
But more than that I am tired.
Tired because I have been so depressed for so long.
Long enough that it took death for you to understand my level of depression.
I'm tired of being sad and disappointing.
I'm tired of feeling sluggish and not caring.
I can no longer cry because I'm so tired.
And I am tired of being tired
Alexis K Jul 2020
What is it like to be woman?

We hold power.
But we also hold fear.

Power of distraction.  
Fear of rejection.

A man may never understand
That on the way to a predominantly male scene,
We plan our argument.
In case we are disregarded because our *******.
In case they look at our little brother to answer questions
About our own cars.

A man will never understand what it is like.
To be told to wait til you’re married.
“Your husband might want kids.”

A man will never understand what it is like.
The fear ripping through our veins as we walk alone.
Especially at night, our keys between our fingers ready to strike.  
He will never understand what it is like.

To be a woman.
To be female.

And a woman will never understand what is it like.
To be a man.
To be male.
Alexis K Feb 6
Whom hasn't been loved before.
Who hasn't learned to accept it.
Doesn't believe himself worthy of it.

I am excited.
To see the softness in your eyes,
As you realize just how much I love you.
I am honored to love you how you never knew you needed.
Alexis K Oct 2017
Too young to understand
Daddy's not coming home
Yet too old
Not to care

Little girl
Looking at her mom
Wondering, wondering,
What was going on?
Why was mommy sad?
Had me and brother been bad?

Too young to remember
When daddy was there,
Too old to forget
That he was ever here.

Little kids,
Innocent and pure
Looking up at mommy,
Holding daddy's picture dear

Little girl
Too young to remember...
Daddy's eyes,
His voice,
His smile or size,
Too young to remember.
Too young to say goodbye.
And now,
Too old, only able to fantasize.
My father died when I was two from cancer. My older half brother remembers little things, simple things about him that seem meaningless yet would mean the world to me if I personally could remember them. I've only had pictures and others to fill the gaps.
This is one of my poems for him, my very first on this site was for him as well.
Alexis K Mar 2021
Everyone says I'm thriving.
When really I am drowning
just barely making ends meets
Rushing and rushing and pushing and pushing
finally done
except I'm not.
It's never done it's never over
and I have to keep pushing
when all I want to do is sleep.

And nobody really knows
just how much I'm trying to float
but its doesn't really matter
because even if they knew,
there'd be nothing they could do.

So I just have to keep pushing
until next week,
next week will be better
but then next week comes.
And I tell myself I just have to get through this week.
Next week will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.
Except it won't.
Alexis K Dec 2017
(To the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas) *

On the first day of Christmas my mommy made me
               A batch of my favorite cookies

On the second day of Christmas my mommy made me
                                           Two apple pies

On the third day of Christmas my mommy made me
                               Three basted turkeys

On the fourth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                                  Four deviled eggs

On the fifth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                           Five pumpkin pies!!!

On the sixth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                                    Six honey hams

On the seventh day of Christmas my mommy made me
                             Seven gooey brownies

On the eighth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                         Eight malted milkshakes

On the ninth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                           Nine banana muffins

On the tenth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                                    Ten yucky yams

On the eleventh day of Christmas my mommy made me
                           Eleven pickled peppers

On the twelfth day of Christmas my mommy made me
                               Twelve ears of corn
From a couple of foodies to a couple of more! Merry Christmas / Happy holidays.
THIS WAS DONE WITH LAURA KICIELINSK it's both of our works.
Alexis K May 2021
I am having such a hard time.
My life is young and I have decades to decide
How I exactly want my life.
But I cannot imagine my life past today.
I can only imagine my life this way.

I cannot imagine myself with grey hairs.
I cannot imagine my husband and children in my house.
I cannot even imagine the house we would call home.
I cannot answer the typical questions:
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Logically I know that I would be graduated.
I would be married by then,
And even living with my husband.
Yet my answer is "just like I am today."

I cannot see, imagine, or fathom my life after today.
Yet I have always planned for it anyway.
My future is so unclear to me
And so thank you, for seeing me in yours.
Quarter-life crises are where it's at
Alexis K Jul 2021
I am ready to sleep now.
It been a long day.
I can not longer stay awake.
As I close my eyes tonight,
I feel at peace. It would be the best sleep ever.
But I did not know it would be eternal.
Alexis K Nov 2021
I'm sorry I can't help your depression
But I'm dealing with mine.
Alexis K Jun 2020
I am ready for bed.
I am ready to sleep.
Please let me Rest In Peace.
Alexis K Mar 2021
The wind is in your face.
It's cool and the sun is warm against your skin.
Your hair is just barely blowing in the wind behind you.
The trees are green and the grass stands at attention for you.
The fluffy clouds dance above you as the squirrels scramble.
The flowers are in bloom and colors surround you.
The serenity envelops you and all cares fly away.
Because for at least today you can be one with nature.
Alexis K Aug 2019
Fifteen years old and pregnant
Just a child yourself.
Your big doe eyes wide
As you proclaim you’re doing what’s right.  

God will help you
He will lead the way.
This baby being brought to us
Will be in good hands.
For it’s not just a child
But soon to be grandmother and aunt
Alexis K Jan 2021
I sit alone in my car
and the music is blaring
so I can scream all the lyrics
soaked with the pain I'm feeling
Alexis K Apr 2021
You may not be a bad guy
But you are the bad guy
Alexis K Oct 2023
I wonder if I'm loved enough for my partners to even know this account matters.
Alexis K Sep 2017
Dead and lifeless
Just like a tree
I'm talking about someone
That someone is me.
Without any dreams
For I've let them flee
And now I'm dead and lifeless
Like a cold winter tree
Though trees become green
In summer and spring
Their leaves eventually fall
And winter comes after all.
I wasn't born in the Summer, the Spring or the Fall.
I was born in the winter, lifeless and all
I'm so cold
So bare
And so plain
I never grow any blossom
Like the cherry tree down the lane
Tough I'm not perfect
And you may not see me as worth it
I've tried already to be like the rest
I really tried my best.
But I'm not the others, not full and green.
Yet I've decided to be myself, to bare and so clean.
Nobody is the same and even if you're feeling unappreciated, unimportant or unoriginal, you will always be the one person nobody else can be, so don't try to be anyone else.
Alexis K Feb 2021
I can not try anymore.
I'm ready to give up,
because this is too tough.
So I cannot try anymore.

                          I cannot try anymore.
                          I'm experiencing burnout,
                          And still not doing enough.
                          So I cannot try anymore.

I have no more to give.
This has ****** the life out of me.
Between the pandemic and life,
Work and school,
I am spread way too thin.
So I cannot try anymore.
Alexis K Mar 2021
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
The way I see your eyes light up with excitement.
The way you smile naturally.
The warmth that radiates from your love.
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
Because then you could see the many reasons why.
Why I love you.
Alexis K Jan 2021
In a world of good versus evil
Where the evil believe they're good
and the good believe they are the good ones
Which one are you?
Alexis K Feb 2021
I thought that I was fine.
Thought I was too tough to cry.
Until I slept alone that first night.

Every time my head laid on the pillow,
My eyes burned no matter how long they were closed.
Every time I looked around, I realized just how alone I was.
I laid crying my eyes out that night.

It was the first time but it wont be the last.
Alexis K Jun 2019
I wonder
Do you feel the same things I do
When we walked in the darkness
With only our little candles to guide us

If my flame flickers
Will you wait to see what is in store
Or will you tell me
“Hold it like this a little more”

When the wax burns my hand
Will you tell me to man up
It’ll go away
But do you know I’m allergic?

When my light begins to fade
Only to dissipate
when I have no lighter to help myself
Will you lean in with your flame?
Will you give me your fire for a split second so mine can begin again?
Or will you say “I got you next time”
“I’ve just got too much on my plate”?

What if there’s no next time?
Because that disappearing flame was the only life source.
Because my demons keep blowing it out.
Because i can’t see without it.
Because i can’t see the paths, or why to continue moving.  
Because without it I can’t see why to stay here.
Alexis K Oct 2017
Mother
              Father
                           Child
                                       Sacrifice
                                                      Devotion
                                        Family
                            Love
               Endless
Death
Alexis K Nov 2023
Crashing against the rocks.
                Washing away the sand.
                             Weathering it to glass.

Depression is like waves.
                  And I am already glass.
I am tired today.
Alexis K May 2021
I am so inexplicably scared for what lies ahead.
This is too specific of a dread.
What I do not know could **** me,
Yet I don't have a clue what I don't know.

I am sorry.
I can't imagine what my life could be.
Let alone what it looks with both you and me.
My brain just keeps going.
I always try to sleep.
For if I'm awake,
I fear my brain will make me disappear.
Alexis K Aug 2023
When despair is too much.
When life is too heavy.
And asking for help is impossible.
Where can I hide?

I can ask for what I don't know.
I don't know how to help me.
And you don't see me crying right in front of you.
So this is where I hide.

Where I can write when words are too hard.
Where I can exist in silence.

Even though I want to be held.
Alexis K Jan 21
Because there's
Fire along my skin.
Ice shards in my lungs.
War in my head.
I've anvils for feet.
Air feels like water.
I'm drowning, unable to move.
Paralyzed in life.
Alexis K Sep 2019
When did I get so old?
Too old to kiss my mom on the lips??
Too old to tell my sister I love her???
Too old to even hug her????
When did I get so old?????
So old my back kills me??????
So old my knees buckle???????
So old I’m losing my thoughts,
As if my cards are constantly being shuffled.
Why did I have to grow?
You
Alexis K Jun 2018
You
With the sky a beautiful grey-blue
I only admire you

Even the sun, a burning brass
And the simplest beauty in blades of grass
I can only wish to get to you fast

In the nights when trees sway and thrash
I can only hope our time to last

— The End —