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Mar 2020 · 147
we almost loved each other
Alfa Mar 2020
what's wrong with me?
is it my sun kissed skin that you don't want to associate your soft pale touch with?
is it my hearty laugh that you're scared will turn heads? booming inside me like my ancestors screamed.
is it my past that haunts you, is the ghost creeping besides you? do you see my dark side, and reject me too?
is it my crooked smile, that makes you think im still a child? i could never have the time or money to fixed my abnormal smile.
is it cause im three times your size? you want someone who cares if they live or die? someone who isn't in survival mode? someone who wants to be 90 years old?
did you hear how disgusting i am? how i pick my nose in the shower? how i dont shave cause of feminist power? how i say **** too many times? or that i move every couple of years? am i too inconsistent cause i change the color of my hair?
is it because i dont love myself, that you cant love me?
am i a project that you dont want to complete?
am i a puzzle that you dont want to piece together?
is that it? is there more?
am i too hot tongued? too foreign? too much?
why am i never enough?

ill compare me to the girl you picked, always wondering, why am I never it?
Dec 2019 · 191
Maple Leaves 3
Alfa Dec 2019
I wish I was the light to your firework,
I wish I was the first snow in your winter,
    I wish I was your paid time off,
      I wish I was the warmth in your sweater.
        I wish I was the A on your paper,
          I wish I was your cats making bread,
            I wish I was your first sip of coffee,
              I wish I could see your face again.
Aug 2019 · 330
Untitled
Alfa Aug 2019
I fantasize about touching my thighs to your lips
when you whisper sing in my ear-
softly letting your hand dance on my back
while we lay in your bed listening to
2009 rock.
Aug 2019 · 272
Maple Leaves 2
Alfa Aug 2019
I feel more alive when I'm with you-
speak to me through your sweet tongue-
     of memories past where we thought of making love.
Aug 2019 · 184
Untitled
Alfa Aug 2019
you're moving away and i didn't get to say i still wonder what you wanted to tell me when your eyes begged me to stay after a long night where i felt i was home

tell me before you leave how much you love me and i'll-
Aug 2019 · 288
| appreciate you.
Alfa Aug 2019
two simple words that made me cry.
Jul 2019 · 150
help me
Alfa Jul 2019
i cant make the right decisions with the demons whispering in my ear
i cant choose a or b cause id destroy myself
if i mute the world from screaming, i can't hear myself
if i clean my thoughts with clorox i cant sort it out, so
let me know the right answers so i can figure it all out
Jul 2019 · 124
Untitled
Alfa Jul 2019
im t i r e d of being STRONG
please catch me when i f
                                            a
                                                l
                                                   l
                                                       .
Jul 2019 · 284
please love me forever...
Alfa Jul 2019
i love you-
i wish we had a future together.

im just selfish.
Jul 2019 · 187
maple leaves
Alfa Jul 2019
fly me across the world so i can lay in your arms-
to find out you're in love with someone else,
hear my heart shatter in a glass of cold chardonnay,
see it harden while it heals my pain,
and feel our former flame burning away in
the maple leaves.
Jul 2019 · 357
sigh
Alfa Jul 2019
will i ever be anybody's whole?
the one they travel with,
love, cuddle, hug, and cry with.

i guess ive just never been that kind of girl.
Jun 2019 · 140
drown
Alfa Jun 2019
im tripping in your sorrow
dizzy from the drugs
crying cause your hollow
confused about our love
tellmesomethingreal
tellmesomethingnow
tellmefasterbefore-
i drown
Jun 2019 · 187
To My Brothers Heartbreak
Alfa Jun 2019
im so sorry she hurt you-

you deserve every morsel of greatness you cook up, you deserve more than the empty bottles that surround your feet, you deserve someone who loves you more than me.

you will always be the best piece of my life, dont forget that when you're smoking your worries away in a dark room after a long day. Your screams are heard and echo inside of my soul even if I am far away-

we're geminis, we will always be four people, half of us always tearing at the best of us-

you are not psychotic for wanting someone to love you, my big brother...

- you are not crazy at all.
i love you dearly
Jun 2019 · 167
please love me
Alfa Jun 2019
I was never good enough for you,
why do I keep trying to prove something,
you are not even searching for.
Apr 2019 · 106
I'm Telling Your Ex...
Alfa Apr 2019
I'm telling your ex,
She Missed Out.
That she shouldn't have cheated on you- so you don't doubt all your relationships after.
So you don't feel like you're hanging on every word I say and tread around our problems because you're scared I'm the same way.

I'm telling your ex,
She Was Wrong.
You're not the monster you think you are, you're not helpless or hopeless or a ***** up. You're so much more than you think you are.

I'm telling your ex,
She Needs To Apologize.
I mean get on her knees and scrounge for mercy-
because she doesn't see the pain shes caused through her careless acts everyday and there's no way to build someone up when all the pieces of them are shattered.

She doesn't see you when you grind your teeth at night and wake up from a dream scared I'm going to cheat on you too.
She doesn't see you wince when I hug you because she jabbed you with her fingers on your sides.
She doesn't see when I say I love you and I see the look in your eyes like you almost believe it then shut it out like you'll always be second best to a ghost that doesn't exist.

If I see your ex, I'll say,
You don't get to go in peoples lives and destroy them like a tornado. You're not the wishing star people grew up wanting. You're the crash and burn after finals week, when you've had one too many drinks at a bar, when you eat too much greasy food and lay in bed feeling disgusting.
Mar 2019 · 120
In My Living Room
Alfa Mar 2019
Life is unbearably beautiful.

sit on the couch and look at you-
soft sounds of your controller moving-
sweet face looks over and says

"I love you".
Mar 2019 · 172
Stranger
Alfa Mar 2019
I yearn for the sweet embrace of happiness again
I've forgotten how it feels to smile.

When I think of what I cannot change,
it drags me down for a while.

Then I eat, eat, eat,
till all my problems go away

and when I look in the mirror, I see someone who is not me.
Mar 2019 · 101
Untitled
Alfa Mar 2019
I fear you've become my temptation-

when I think about the sunlight hitting your face just right
the yellow-red sun beating off your face
soft pink smiles and
your waist close to my body
the warmth of you brings me pure joy.
as you lightly touch your hand across my face-
and look at me with pale green eyes,
I hold you close as my body trembles-

and awoke to a dark room without you by my side.
Mar 2019 · 229
.
Alfa Mar 2019
.
I got my period again on the same month I did last year.
I haven't had it for approximately a year.
I was beginning to think I was bringing new life.

it's a child's dream, and I'm playing limbo with my time.
Dec 2018 · 169
Tell Me
Alfa Dec 2018
You help me reach the full feeling of ecstasy
with rusted chained locked lips waiting to be freed.

Tell me quickly before they find out,
tell me softly the four lettered word,

Let time stand still before your trembling lips,
and let us fill each others hollowed bodies with our former sorrows.
I wanted this poem to feel like anticipation, like words that were never spoken and like you're rushing someone to say something, but they just don't tell you in time, so then the thought sticks in the air... forever.
Nov 2018 · 454
Hollow
Alfa Nov 2018
Empty the sea water into my veins,
discard your ice on my worn body,
give me up against the tides,
cast me away so no one finds me,
and if they try all they’ll find is an abandoned body.
how it feels to drown
Oct 2018 · 302
Unravel Me
Alfa Oct 2018
,
                                    from my mummified state, and lift me from the grave I dug, don't depend on me anymore to continue beating myself up
                                                              ­      
                                         i want to feel alive again
I feel like myself when I write poetry, when a lot of the time I used to feel pretty numb inside. Thank you for that.
Oct 2018 · 279
Death Wish
Alfa Oct 2018
your last dying words release from tight lips slowly letting go of the fist from my shirt,
                                                                             it sounds like freedom.
Oct 2018 · 964
Spaghetti
Alfa Oct 2018
Warm sauce
as hot as my blood
splattered all over the floor.

Spit out,
puked up,
you slammed my head on the floor.

Mop up or eat it.
You used my mopped head to clean it.

Ever since then, I couldn't eat spaghetti again.
Oct 2018 · 1.3k
$600
Alfa Oct 2018
A tip for you,
A rent for me.
Oct 2018 · 421
DISHROOM
Alfa Oct 2018
DontImprovetheSystemtHeyllRejectOurOwnMistakes
A circular poem about the corrupt cafeteria system I used to work in. "Don't improve the system" refers to the corrupt system we had in place. "They'll reject our own mistakes" refers to if we put a new system in place, it'll be rejected by students, so there's nothing to do- either way we were *******, and everything continues to rotate just as the dishroom trays did.
Oct 2018 · 1.6k
666
Alfa Oct 2018
666
whispering rain tapping on the window
flooding my ears with sound, fluorescent
light screaming inside my brain, lift
your hands towards me again, you
won’t see me de nuevo. Wilt
beneath the demanding life you’ve beaten,

and maybe your fear will agitate
you, into a comatose state you
had put me in.,and hidden
me away from the world, mauling
innocence out of me with incremental,
unwanted touches that cannot be undone.

from handcuffs on wooden poles, foaming
mouths pouncing on my skin, melting
within myself as you drowned wearisome
unhinged fantasies onto me, and use
children for your pleasure to continue
terrorizing freely while we all trickle.
Abused as a child, here is my testimony about my abuser. Six lines in each stanza, she truly was the devil.
Oct 2018 · 480
Split
Alfa Oct 2018
I am                  split into
  Two,
People. Speaking up           /or stuck in a box
   and
          I will                         never be(ing)
complete(ly).
me                                      .
Three poems in one that speaks of my confused identity.
Read as: 1) I am split into two people. Speaking up and/or stuck in a box I will never be completely me.
2) I am two people. Speaking up and I will complete me.
3) Split into two, or stuck in a box and never being complete.
Oct 2018 · 506
Dysphoric Dissociation
Alfa Oct 2018
I carve myself out of a cardboard cutout,
I wish I wasn't empty,
stuck between two worlds that do not want me.

I am like the globe,
shattered.

Rushing blood gurgles through my veins to my head, my
words sound like Russian out my hot mouth
"so spicy"
they say it cause I'm foreign to them.
My blood pressure rises,
makes
the tea kettle screams,
on the perfect pictured home oven,
i am fuming.

I look out at the white picket fence,
raised oppressed gates,
overtaxed, overcharged, overfed, rising still.

The fury builds inside me,
I stomp the fence,
break the oven,
crash the globe,
and weep at the crap I was made out of.

we will never win.

but, it doesn't matter if we're the minority or majority,
the darker you are,
the faster you talk,
the farther away from the home land
  ...                                                       ­     

they'll still give you the gun.

           But, they'll blame you for everything that happens after.
A comment on American societies mental illness, health crisis, racial racism/stereotyping, gun laws, my own identity as a first generation american from immigrant parents, and how chaotic, hopeless, and dissociated I feel about my own self. How apart I feel from America's "dream" and what America really is today... thank you for reading.
Oct 2018 · 877
Arroz con Pollo
Alfa Oct 2018
How do you make your rice?
is it in a ***? a pan? steamed? heated? not at all?

mine is in a frying ***.

Yellow, with pollo from the fresh market.
Peas, y frijoles on the side.

Mix it up, eat it, keep it for later.

Burn the bottom so you can get la chemada part.

If you like the chemada part, not everyone does.
A poem about my personal views on American society. How a bunch of different cultures live together which is why I make references to rice, as different types of rice making shows what culture you come from. I say I like mine in a "frying ***" because that's how I see America, a frying *** and not a "melting ***" as they say. Whereas a melting *** mixes cultures well, a frying *** keeps people at the bottom "burnt" like "chemada" (burnt rice at the bottom of the pan).
Oct 2018 · 336
Gift
Alfa Oct 2018
I see beautiful black skin
Radiating from you
Bantu knots upons your head
And a familiar accent.
I go up to you and say hey
You look at me weird
I mistook you for my friend
She is dead.
A poem I wrote about my friend who went missing for months and found murdered, I once forgot she was dead and went up to a person who looked like her and said hello, the person looked at me weird and left. I felt hollow after.
Oct 2018 · 495
The Corpse
Alfa Oct 2018
There's a dead friend in my closet that no one ever liked.
I know they are still there.
but, I ignore it until someone brings them up again.
I evade the question, as if I did not **** them.
As if their bones did not crumble when I touched them.
As if I did not take their soul when I told them.
Guilt falls over me.
I lay awake at 2 a.m.
Sometimes I check to see if they may come back to life,
they are always the same as I left them.
Dead and unchanging,
and everyone praises the day the corpse died.
But, I cannot understand how to feel happy,
without a person in my life
A poem I wrote after leaving a 6 year friendship.

— The End —