The whole world stopped
when you took your first
breath.

God
Why me.
I'm so hurt
I'm so tired.
I've asked for death
Multiple times.
Only to be ignored.
I'm too tired to keep going.
And my brain is to heavy.
I need some time to close my eyes
And to feel the silence that doesn't surround me.
I need this to end.
God, I can't do this any more.
My heart doesn't beat
My lungs don't breathe-
My eyes don't see
And there is nothing left here for me.

I look at you and see a
Thousand years of happiness.
I can see laughter in the
Wrinkles of your mouth
That you once used to smile
At me, always showing
Those pearly white teeth.

Every brittle bone in my
Inhuman body shakes with
The sight of you.
This is just so odd, loving you.
My tears mean not a **** thing
When I bump into you at 8 o'clock,
Not a **** thing.

You can make the sadness
Of my cold heart disappear
Without trying and you should
Know.

Never will I have such emotions
For anyone else, nor do I want to.
That life filled flower only
Opens once inside these ribs.

Me and you, a story from
Television I suppose. I was
A princess who lost her prince.
My happy ending lost
Somewhere in the cold,
Winter air.

If that glass fell from this table,
it would break.
A piece will fall here, and maybe
there..
When he takes his blunt scissors to
his wide ruled paper, a physical change
is now permanent. Never will
it be a whole piece ever again.
When I allowed myself to fall
wrongly in love with a demon,
my soul would be nevermore.
It is as if I fell from that wooden
table, shattering into millions
of pieces.
In fact, my body was cut in half
with his kindergarten scissors.
My lesson was learned to
late.
I was manipulated by a demon.
A foolish child,
Forever a fool.

Hell is home as the year has gone by,
I repeat, hell is my home.
Black and gray
White and brown, my sadness has a mind
Of its own.
My skin, as dim as it is
Burns a memory in fire's eyes.
Strands of black hair dwindle
Down my face, catching in the
Frown that lays permanent on
My lips.
Dim, dim, dim
This light burns no more.
This light, it burns no more.

I've heard of  having the pleasure
of finding your true love. They say
nothing else matters to you once your
eyes meet. The songs say that you
would do anything to have the presence
of your soul mate with you.
The movies show two halves becoming
a whole.
Reality isn't so poetic. The movies
and songs didn't inform me of the
negative sides of love.
They didn't tell me how bad it
would continuously hurt if you
lost the one you thought you loved.
My favorite quote doesn't
relate to how ****** I feel a night
when I know he is just fine.
Or maybe I'm too young to know of
love. Whatever it is, it hurts just
the same.

I wake up and see you.
I go to sleep. And see you.
I pick up my phone and see you.

I see - salty water marks on my pillows,
a heaving chest expanding and contracting with a tremble, and
I see a gray haze covering the surfaces I no longer wish to touch.
I see somber flowers and I see candles that struggle to give off light even in the dullest of days.

I see until the pain creeps back in and reclaims my clear eyes once again.

As the wind blows against
the window and its clothing,
while today has began to  turn
into tomorrow, a drift the locks of
a feather spirals towards
the ever moving ground.
Troublesome hearts beat
spreading venom into every
possible vein. Arise is coldness,
bitter ends and misplaced love
fluttering throughout a thought
and twisting to and fro towards
its catastrophe.

I don’t fancy going to sleep because I hate what I see when I close my eyes and I loathe staying up late because I am afraid of what my imagination can come up with.

When he walked through those double doors, my breath caught in my throat and chest ceased to lift off of my ribcage.

When he walked through those double doors, my eyes were in shock for they could not believe..

When he walked in through those double doors into the unforeseen future, shaking my insides with each step he took, my life suddenly seemed so small and empty.

My life, always simple and safe now showed its dull memories. I was never a woman of change and challenge, always playing it safe! But now, here we are with danger placed right in front of me and I all but leaped into its arms.

I want this risk, this messy thing pulled into my life and with all the red tape pulled off!

I want to be happy, happy with him. I need this disaster to take a rollercoaster ride with me for a little while.

I want crazy and weird and a little fun, but I want it with him.

He makes me excited and anxious, but I like it. I like him.

My life needs him.

I used to compare you
to the music that I couldn't
live without.
Your words, sweeter than
any melody, could save me.
I never gave any thought
of how I could adore
someone I barely knew
so much, nor did I care.
With the slightest touch
of my body, I was yours.
How I wish it wasn't so,
for you slipped away.
I can feel the ache of
my tattered heart as
it pounds in my ribcage
reminding me of the
ache that doesn't seem
to go away.
I sought to find a drug
to erase all evidence
of you, to relieve me
from this hell.
I prayed for it all
just to have been in my
head, my imagination
going out of control.
The tears that fight
to escape are the only
physical evidence
that prove that the
past year was indeed
real and was not
a product of my
vivid imagination.
I have been ******
to live without knowing
what could have been.
Maybe nothing would
be different at all and
you still wouldn't give
a **** about me.
I realize how great the
chance is of the same
outcome, yet I can't
help but to break
inside when I see
you happy and with
someone. So, *******.
You have so much
power over me and
you don't even have
the slightest clue.

The clock strikes 3:30 and the pit behind the school opens.
We feast on the smell of burning skin and sunscreen.
There is chaos as instruments are strewn across the back room,
No exits and the doors are blocked.
My eyes slide past his but I'm too burned out to care.
Freshmen are the worst,
Insisting on acting as if
They are four year olds.
Not a second late, for Whit is never late.
I have lost feeling in my legs
Still I have perfect
Technique just as he does. Water.
Water does not have an existence in this world.
Heat and sun have taken over.
Our tuba players have given up,
There they lay down in the burning
Grass. He never complains.
As I'm close to my breaking point,
Air no longer passes my
Lips and not one note escapes my keys.
The perfect string of notes and rhythm
Sound from my left. He never missed
A note.
March it back,
March it back,
March it back sixteen counts.
An endless routine.
Opening set.
These single words are bitter sweet.
In ten minutes I am free to go home
And write poetry about him.

She gave you a smile.
Teeth showing and all.
You could almost hear
The crashing of her walls
As they hit the ground.

You go to take her hand
And she begins to twirl
A strand of hair between
Her fingers. Still shy and
Timid, the fragile girl.

Where will you ever see
Such beautiful almond shaped
Brown eyes other than standing here,
On this beauty. Oh, yes, you call
Her Beauty.  

****. You can't help yourself
From imagining all that you would
Like to happen if given the chance.
But, not here! Not at Church for God's
Sake! He should strike you down in
This very moment… Yet, who could
Blame you?

When the prayer ends, you look
At Beauty one last time before
Having to take your seat. A hint
Of a smirk plays on her lips and
She looks down to your pants.
Oh God. She knows.. How
Embarrassing. This is a place of
God and this is sin..
Yet you can't help but to feel
Pleased.

Can someone tell me what has happened?
What is this word that we often use, normal?
It seems as if it has lost it's meaning or maybe
I have forgotten.
Do you find yourself using this foreign word?
Surely you know, maybe you could explain for
I am anything but.
Oh, I hope you can. I hear it is good, to be "normal"?
I wish I could concur...

Could you spit in my face one more time or kick me in the gut so I can know I am still alive
I almost miss the dirt your shoes left on my face.
Lay your hand on my cheek then rip the flesh from my bones
Tie my arms behind my back and leave me to cry salty tears, just like you used to.

You killed me with your words, each one happened to shoot my spirits down.
Those "I love you's" bled out from line to line. What is pain? What is agony? Where are you to take those feelings away?
Black and blue lips spoke in harmony between us two. Bless it be the calling upon our wretched souls.
Don't speak, don't shoot- I surrender my love. Please take it away, lock it in a cage.
Tame this beast that we call love.

Imagine the day without a break,
every single mistake, forgiven and all but forgotten
all the good outshining the bad and the worthy
without the worthless. Never will the speechless be
crucified for the wordless. A penny be worth a penny
in a jar, but the dollar ruined in the washer with
only but tomorrow's sorrows. All the melodies
one could ever sing, and every "amen" the night
could never bring. Your hands could choose without
fear and the mind could forsake a being even if not near.
Let the addicts fulfill their need! Pour up their jugs with blood
and let the pigs roll over in mud, it's not the business but
theirs. Could the rivers flow up stream? And the Lord feel down? Oh, what a catastrophe.

How can we get so attached to someone who isn't
Even real? Why do we cry when something tragic
Happens to our favorite characters? I find myself
Not being able to get over Freddie McClair's death even though
I constantly remind myself that it was only fiction. Even
Now I am saddened by the memory. Freddie was only
A character.. Why must I feel so upset?

Just because I like science does not mean I'm atheist.
Just because I'm Christian doesn't mean I'm religious.
Just because  it's easy for me to make friends doesn't mean I don't have social anxiety.
Just because I don't eat as much as everyone else doesn't make me anorexic.
Just because I make honor roll doesn’t mean I'm smart.
Just because I don't wear tons of makeup everyday doesn't mean that I'm confident in myself.
Just because I do not judge anyone does not mean I don't have an opinion.
Just because I blog a photo of a naked lady doesn't make me bi/ lesbian.
Just because I know the guy I like doesn't like me back doesn't mean that I can't continue to like him.
Just because people call me pretty and I say thank you does not mean I believe I am.
Just because I ignored you does not mean I didn't hear you insult me.
Just because I laughed it off does not mean it didn't hurt.
Just because I act strong does not mean I am.
Because that's all it is.. An act.
But no one cares to get to know the real me, so I hope you're happy with what you get.

I've cried so many tears, their home is my face
For my cheeks wreak of the salty drops.
I told myself that I am done with crying, **** the
World and its sadness, but yet again here I am.

You used to be good,
yet now poison filled lies
escape from your tongue.
Their bitter edge has left open cuts and
scars imprinted on your lips.
Forever will you be immortalized
in the scratches gave to me upon my back and
the hell fire you breathed upon my
hair.
Isn't it a shame, dear, You let me
die in hell while I thought you
were my own personal heaven?

Can you tell me when?
                    What dear?
When will being yourself be easier that suicide? And don't
call me dear.
                   Well, let's not talk about that, sit and eat your breakfast.
If not now, then when??
                   Be still, girl, and when you finish, go comb your hair.
Would you rather I end my own life than to stop pretending to be something I am not?
                  You now that's not what I mean. And you aren't pretending, you are just being silly. I put some more lip gloss in your purse. The pastor called, he wants to read you some scripters later. And your dad is going to take you shopping for some girlier clothes, those are horrid. Have you seen that nice boy who lives across the street, you should try to get to know him. You two would make some pretty kids. And-

Can you all just.. stop. Maybe it will be clearer when I'm not here for you to accept who I am..
                Be quiet, young lady. Pass the butter.
But I am not a lady..
And at that she laughed and reached across my plate and got the butter. She had to spread it with a spoon because she thought all the knives were missing, but if she listened closely she could have heard the clinging noise they made under my bed.

I've painted my nails black.
The color suits me well, I think It's my favorite.
It also happens to be very comforting..
I always thought I'd like him better if he wore
Black fingernail polish. Why didn't he?
The thought of that boy wearing black
Paint on his nails sends shivers down my spine.

The clock strikes eight o'clock and the realization sets in. The birds have stopped their singing, the sun has ceased it's shining, and the wind is not blowing.
There is nothing but my thoughts and I. The world is still, not a cloud in sight. I am a prisoner taken by night.
Succeeding in forcing my thoughts out of my mind in the day, they hit me like  a ton of bricks.
I am a prisoner.  They lock me in my room when all I want to do is sit and watch the stars. They force me to give into the shadows, to sit by myself and think.
I am not allowed to write, for my hands are tied behind my back and they have broken my pencils in to. Forever do I long to be freed, to be who I am, a free spirit. I do not wish to be captivated by normalcy any longer.
They feel it in their fingertips and in their toes.
I was meant for so much more.
My heart yearns to be free, to feel what it wants without critisim.
My thoughts ache to be written.

I made a promise to God that I would not react this way.
I promised Him that I would be strong and maintain a straight face..
Did He know that I was lying?
Could He tell that underneath my sincere apology that I would rather give up than to keep trying?
Because-
I wasn't sincere.
I still had the emptiness clawing at my head- screaming at me, pleading to my heart that I wanted to be dead.
But, that is not what I said.
I promised God that, in the end, I would remember what He taught me.
I would put Him first because He would never leave...
I knew that I was lying.
Did He?
I would rather give up than to force myself to keep trying.

Moving on isn't as easy as everyone might think.
As much as you try to, a part of you will not let go
of that little piece of hope. You might know that
it's useless and that you're wasting your time; however,
You can't help yourself. Your mind refuses to let
go of the past yet you are terrified of the future.
Maybe the one you lost has already moved on, still
emotions stay the same. No matter what you do
or what you say, deep down you know that not a
**** thing has changed. You hurt when you see
him or her happy but will not do anything about
it. Why would you?  You accept that this is how
it's going to have to be and you live with it
because that's what you know how to do.

It's nauseously living in a world full of nauseaous feelings while living is nauseating.

It's dying a thousand deaths while dying is a thing of terror, but dying being inevitable, while we wish we were dead.

It's a simple thing really, this thing called existing. Are we existing right now or are we yet to exist?

Humanity is tenasious. Yet, no one has any tenasion.

Aghaslty we sit, we stand, we walk, we dance, we lie. Aghastly, it's unimaginable, but we die.

Faith is a fragile thing; it
wavers here and it tapers off there. Yet,
it is the most valuable object one can have.
Metaphorically, giving up your faith
is ending your own life. I can feel my
faith swelling up inside me, deep inside
until it bubbles up inside my eyes.
My faith will save me. My mind
sometimes fools me into forgetting this, but
keeping my faith means an everlasting life
with Him, everything I could ever want.
God is my everything and
everything is God.

Food. What is food?
Is it something everyone needs to survive? Is it the thing that takes forever to make and has even less time time to enjoy?
Is it the beautiful plants that grow in the right season that produces so much pride that they deserve an instagram post?
Or is the thing that many people will never have the money to see?
For me, it is the center of everyday. It is the one thing that I know dictates my entire life. It is the one thing I wish I could forget and the one thing I wish I could live without.
It is the thing that forces me to do math, and it is the thing that keeps me from knowing any sort of satisfaction.
It is the thing that makes me wish I were someone else, anyone else.
It is the thing that I spend hours thinking about, measuring, classifying, and the one thing that I can never seem to get correct. It is also the thing that makes me cry at night. It makes me feel alone.
It is the thing that causes me to spend every day working out even when I don't want to, and it has made me be friends with a scale that isn't very friendly.
It is a bully, a cruel "ex" friend that wishes I were never born and it is a fighter that knows how to pack a heavy punch.
For me, it has not been very kind. It has been the thing that controls who I am.
It is THE thing, and sadly, it is everything.

That blonde hair dazzles me from afar,
Moments escape and minutes tick by
Stealing my precious heart beats,
Each a new beat for my blonde
Fellow.

My eyes gaze from afar,
Over his gray sweater
To the perfectly fit khakis at his
Waist and down to his brown
Suede shoes.
Oh, how I wish to feel the
Cotton at his neck, but only
Am I permitted to admire
From afar.

As I sit here, staring at the lunch I had an hour ago, I can't help but to feel disgusted.
As hard as I try to ignore it, the saliva dripping onto my feet makes its way into my consciousness, reminding me of how low I am.
I constantly avoid looking at my hands, for seeing what I have done makes me want to despise myself even more than I already do.
The dull throbbing at the base of my neck coming from this compromising position almost makes me want to sit up straight and put an end to this activity; however, I know that I don't want to stop, not yet.
I have so much more I know I can let go

I woke up today,
while the sun was at its peak.

While the blue sky was
luminous and vast, and

While the air was unconfined and hot.

I woke up to a heart, thumping and thudding
a rhythm complemented by the

Singing and swaying of the evergreens
standing ever so gracefully and poise.

I woke up breathing in a sweet air that urged to coat my lungs,
racing to encompass all that I am.

Waking up today-
was beautiful and romantic,
a love letter to my being.

It was wanted,
and it gave me the courage to long for more tomorrows.

Fire and ice,
Heaven and Hell;
  Come save me from myself..
   After everything,
    Would you really let me fall?
Would you watch as my flesh burned
And as I became.. nothing?
A disturbing serenity.
Please, your radiating apathy
   Is bone chilling!
    Tell me, pastor,
     How can he be forgiven for this?
I swallowed my passion yet
It burns deep down.
  If I am indeed dead,
   Tell me my inspiration still lives.
     A promise, that, my soul is not at rest.

Don't ever fall in love.
Don't ever try to find someone
You can loose  yourself  to .
No one cares about your fragile heart,
No one but you.
While you sit there, heart full of love,
He is sitting there looking at your
Photograph whilst some fair skinned
Girl has her tongue down his throat .

I find that when I come here I feel at home or peaceful. I don't feel judged for the words I must type out on a page for they are more than just words to me.  
My social anxiety is not a handicap here and for that, I rejoice!
When I come here, I can lose my self in fine literature distracting me from
every thing that makes me want to end this thing called life.

He's gone..
The muse to all of my most precious work is gone. And that is pain.

I don't love you anymore.
There, I've said it aloud.
I understand babe, you love her
and I am truly happy, truly I am happy.
Listen, I do not love you anymore.

Life has came by and swept my
bones back in place, my skeleton
complete without a heart.
It lays o'er there in a cage, ready
to be given to someone else.
I don't love you anymore.

I laugh because not a drop
of guilt forsakes me.
It is you! You should feel guilty!
No, not guilty, but honored
For I have written countless
poems describing us.
Yes, us.

But I do not ******* love you any longer.

The ghost that I used to
call my friends ran from
their home in my closet
only to tear me apart with
their truth,
my life is a disaster,
an earthquake waiting to
happen.
His smile built me up like
the Eifel Tower and his
words slashed my face
with a knife,
tell me why I gave satan
another chance?
My life is spiraling out
of control, and
there is not enough
beauty to prostrate.

I am so happy. Don't you her me as I "laugh out loud?"
I have a headache from smiling all day.
I love people so much, look at them as they pick up and throw my things.
They are super adorable. I just adore you.
I am so happy.
I am.
I am so..
Happy.

Her time was up awhile ago.
She told herself that everything
Get's better for everyone else's
Sake and crying herself to sleep was
The only way to go. The poor girl
Found a bottle of cold medicine in
The medicine cabinet.
The label read: take as directed.
The only thing she saw was a way
Out. To her dismay she lived.

Do you know how many times (I) have cried over you?
I should be asleep at 2 am, not writing (*******) poetry for you.
I can not tell you how much I (hate) that I love you.
Why can't I forget (you)?

The days are starting to be beautiful again.
I honestly can not recall the last time I enjoyed a sunset, and at that I can laugh.
Can you close your eyes and feel the rays of Mississippi sun seeping into the earth?
Just, take a moment to discover an animal or a flower in those white bundles of clouds that hang above our heads.
This world is beautiful. As a “poet," we can find beauty in almost anything and if that isn't beautiful then I honestly do not know what is. And there is a place in my heart that is forever filled with pity for those who will never have this experience.