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Shanijua Jul 9
I made a promise to God that I would not react this way.
I promised Him that I would be strong and maintain a straight face..
Did He know that I was lying?
Could He tell that underneath my sincere apology that I would rather give up than to keep trying?
Because-
I wasn't sincere.
I still had the emptiness clawing at my head- screaming at me, pleading to my heart that I wanted to be dead.
But, that is not what I said.
I promised God that, in the end, I would remember what He taught me.
I would put Him first because He would never leave...
I knew that I was lying.
Did He?
I would rather give up than to force myself to keep trying.
  Jun 20 Shanijua
Kole J McNeil
A tourture that breaks and distorts my mind
Every calorie cafrefully chosen
Written in a journal
Every thing ive eaten since 8th grade
No breakfast
Running out the door a weitght in my stomach
No lunch
Drinking a monster
10 more calories than I need
Vaping in the bathroom
Dinner
Dreaded dinner
I have to sit and eat with my family
No excuses
Work it off after dinner
Do I go there
Do I sit on the floor racking my lungs
I can feel the fat settle on my bones
Crying myself to sleep
Repeat
I struggle majorly with my eating. I feel like a failure if i eat over 300 calories in a day
Shanijua Feb 24
God
Why me.
I'm so hurt
I'm so tired.
I've asked for death
Multiple times.
Only to be ignored.
I'm too tired to keep going.
And my brain is to heavy.
I need some time to close my eyes
And to feel the silence that doesn't surround me.
I need this to end.
God, I can't do this any more.
My heart doesn't beat
My lungs don't breathe-
My eyes don't see
And there is nothing left here for me.
Shanijua Jan 22
When I look into her eyes, I see everything I have always wanted to be.
I see a girl who is admired and loved by all who happen to be in her presence.
She happens to be a girl who knows what she wants and gets what she pleases without having to ask.

How can I measure up to this girl when everything I am is plain and simple.
How can we be in the same room when her features shine a light on everything that I do not have.

I can not love myself when I have learned that I am worth nothing compared to her.
She knows that, and I do too.

They only call me pretty when I'm with her anyway, so what do I do when I'm alone?
Nothing but pray that I have the courage to change everything I am as time goes on.
Shanijua May 2021
As I sit here, staring at the lunch I had an hour ago, I can't help but to feel disgusted.
As hard as I try to ignore it, the saliva dripping onto my feet makes its way into my consciousness, reminding me of how low I am.
I constantly avoid looking at my hands, for seeing what I have done makes me want to despise myself even more than I already do.
The dull throbbing at the base of my neck coming from this compromising position almost makes me want to sit up straight and put an end to this activity; however, I know that I don't want to stop, not yet.
I have so much more I know I can let go
CONTENT WARNING: Eating disorder mentioned
Shanijua May 2021
He's gone..
The muse to all of my most precious work is gone. And that is pain.
Shanijua May 2021
Food. What is food?
Is it something everyone needs to survive? Is it the thing that takes forever to make and has even less time time to enjoy?
Is it the beautiful plants that grow in the right season that produces so much pride that they deserve an instagram post?
Or is the thing that many people will never have the money to see?
For me, it is the center of everyday. It is the one thing that I know dictates my entire life. It is the one thing I wish I could forget and the one thing I wish I could live without.
It is the thing that forces me to do math, and it is the thing that keeps me from knowing any sort of satisfaction.
It is the thing that makes me wish I were someone else, anyone else.
It is the thing that I spend hours thinking about, measuring, classifying, and the one thing that I can never seem to get correct. It is also the thing that makes me cry at night. It makes me feel alone.
It is the thing that causes me to spend every day working out even when I don't want to, and it has made me be friends with a scale that isn't very friendly.
It is a bully, a cruel "ex" friend that wishes I were never born and it is a fighter that knows how to pack a heavy punch.
For me, it has not been very kind. It has been the thing that controls who I am.
It is THE thing, and sadly, it is everything.
CONTENT WARNING: This is about food/ eating disorders.
Sometimes, life is not very kind. I will get better, I just need time. And a little help.
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