As the last few heartbeats ticked away
The world stopped turning
Everyone stood still
Skyscrapers turned purple
Purple waterfalls
Purple skies
Purple tears
Across the globe
People congregated dancing to the beats
Of a fallen warrior
And people hung their heads low
Filled with sorrow
Over the death of a legend
Younger generations exposed to the music
That shaped their parents
A whole world stopped
From the loss of a single man
All around the world
Everything stopped
When all around the world
People are being killed and tortured
When all around the world
Children are being left to die
When all around the world
People are dying on the streets
When all around the world
People are killing themselves
What will it take for the whole world to stop
Just because I died?

The crippling feeling of an emotional blizzard
Hitting all at once
Anger at him for neglection
Somber that I wasn't worth his attention
Frustrated that I wasted longing and desire on him
Timid that he ccould blatantly disregard me so easily
Defeated that I anticipated for something to happen

Someone I used to know
Once asked "What if people change?"
I pondered the question
And thought of a few more
Maybe they didn't change
So much as become who they really are
Or they're just exploring other parts of themselves
That haven't come out before
Or maybe change is real
But is that part of them ever fully gone
Or will it pop up every now and then
Unannounced and maybe wanted or maybe not
Can people truely change
Or has there always been that part of them

What's so bad about breaking away from the pack?
Swimming against the current
Being kind in a cruel world

Why is being different considered weird?
Unique being negative
Alikeness encouraged

Since when is weird an insult?
Something frowned-upon
And taunted for

What has happened to our society?
Partaking in one general idea
And striving to fit the image

Why can't we break these walls?
Shatter this expectation
And maybe even rebuild our own

Couldn't you spare a glance?
Couldn't you spare a smile?
Couldn't you spare a hey?
Couldn't you spare an indicator that you acknowledge my existence?

Stomp of feet
Every day
Lone blue gum
Long forgotten
Far from missed
Trying to latch on
To anyone
To anything
Crowds part
Moving away
So far away
When all it wants
Is someone
Or something
To take it away
But for now it stays
Forever in its place
Bearing the footprints
Until one day
It's finally whisked away

How come other people's love
Causes me depression?

How come when I see a couple kissing it
Makes my lip quiver

How come break-up songs aren't sad to me
All I can think is that at least they've experienced love

You open your mouth
And sputter your poison
Dissolving into others' ears
Climbing it's way up
Up into their brains
Just like a tumor
I hear the rumors
That resurface too often
And explain the truth
Denial, they tell me,
Just proves it's true
What do they know?
My mind is mine
My thoughts are mine
And I like to
Keep them that way
But you reach in
And grab the truth
Then spin it with
Your snake tongue into
Your weaponous poisonous acid
Contaminating other peoples minds
You're supposed to be
A friend of mine
Until you join in
Why won't you stand
Stand up for me
Set it all straight
Because I can't deny
Or it's considered true

Everything crumbling
All at once
Falling on top of me
Crushing me
Crushing my lungs
No way to escape
Might as well crumble
And join the mess
I can't act like
I'm not at fault
Because I am
But aren't we all?

Attraction of two forces
Naturally occuring
Without selection
Without explaination
The process baffling
But leaving some on their *****

One thing
Standing in place of another
Making you have to think more
And confusing most

If we stopped letting things
Symbolize something else
Maybe things would make more sense
To everyone

Maybe the loss of metaphors
Would provide more explanations
In a world of bewilderment
And cruelty

When I was in eighth grade
I was told to define "love"
I already felt like I've been played
When push came to shove
Played in these stupid mind games

Wondering if he's thinking about me
At the same time I was thinking about an "us"
And what we could be
Would the thought make him grimace?
Or explode with glee?

Why can't he say it?
Why can't i?
I guess neither of us have true grit
I'm just wondering why
Does it make me hypocrite?

No matter the amount of flirting
Neither will admit
My heart's aching
Why can't someone commit?
What are we gaining?

The wondering is endless
Not that I'm helping
For I'm too nervous
That I'll just be babbling
The unknown is monstrous

Emptying my soul
To him would be difficult
Will it fill mmy hearts hole?
Or have unpleasing results?
My emotions are out of control

Reading into everything you do
Hoping for a sign
Or the slightest clue,
That you could be mine
What makes this such taboo?

Soemtimes I just wanna cry
But I haven't got a shoulder to cry on

Sometimes I think I feel a connecction
But I just get hurt when it's unrequited

Sometimes I want nothing but love
But I have no one to share it with

Sometimes I need someone more than ever
But I never get the request filled

Sometimes I can't help but want to be held
But I always end-up sitting alone

Sometimes I want to break down
But I know I have to act strong

A blank page
Holds all the possibilities
That you may please

A blank page
Could be someplace new
Only true to you

A blank page
Is somewhere to reminisce
And dismiss

A blank page
Can withstand brilliance
And unimportance

A blank page
Is all you need
When you need to be freed

Refusal to meet my eyes
"He's shy" they say, but
They don' t even know him
Am I wasting my time
Chasing and hoping for affection?
Or will quitting ruin everything?
Maybe he needs a push
Could I be more straightforward

You can stab my back
Just don't be surprised when I sharpen your knife
You can glare at me all you want
Just don't be surprised when I do it back
You can shoot your words like gunshots
Just don't be surprised when I hand you bullets
You can set me on fire
Just don't be surprised when I light the match
You can tear me up like paper
And spit on the pieces
But don't be surprised when I let you
For I can't feel anymore

All through life
Society tells us
To use our words
Yet they represent us
Through numbers
To them we are
Social Security numbers
Credit/Debit Card numbers
Part of a statistic
Or demographic
Measuring our
Height
And weight
Our Grade Point Averages
Our IQ
Our Age
Yet they dare tell us that our most
Powerful
And influential tools
Are our words

You trust someone
To read something you wrote
They mock it
So you try to impress them
And you try and try
But they just keep taking it as a joke
Then you write another poem
One about them
They read it
And suddenly it's great
They don't realize it's about them
And how bad of a friend they are
They think it's so amazing they want to read all my work
But I have let her read it all
And she's mocked them
What does she expect?

Those things I say
To all of you
Multiple times a day
Are only half true

My logic less than flawless
Only trying to convince myself
That I'm over your dimples and coolness
Another book on the bookshelf

But there are holes in my lies
That we can all see through
I'm saying these goodbyes
So that I can stop being high on you

The plan isn't working
No surprise
But maybe I'm finally learning
That there are other guys

But the hardest thing to learn
Is also the most importannt
Not to always yearn
For that always ends in unfulfillment

I study your eyes like I've never before
And I realize how amazing eyes are
How can two people completely different
Share the same pale eyes
Especially one so lively and loud
Deserving of vivacious eyes
Have the same eyes as someone
Who can be serious and hard-working
But fits those cold pale eyes
Or is it all my imagination
That they're so different
When they could be the same on the inside
Or is it just my lack of hope in the world
That makes me see the gray in things
That others find color in

Every once in a while
Tears slip
Sometimes small and quick
Other times full and flooding
The longer they're held in
The harder they fall

Every once in a while
Words are screamed
Smetimes meaningless
Other times full of rage
They longer they're held in
The louder they are

Every once in a while
You fight back
Sometimes never touching
Other times you destroy everything
The longer it's held in
The tougher they strike

Real friends don't let you hide your emotions from them
Real friends don't let you give them the silent treatment
Real friends don't judge when you're acting crazy
Real friends don't disappear when someone else comes along
Real friends don't join in rumor-spreading
Real friends don't ignore you for the rest of the clique
Real friends don't walk away when you're most vulnerable
Real friends don't let you sit alone
Real friends don't pick others over you
Real friends don't exist

Love is a riptide
Pulling in it's victims
Unsuspecting and at random

Love is a riptide
Struggling makes it worse
And impossible to break-free

Love is a riptide
Pushing you one way
And thrusting you another

Maybe I messed things up
I told you way too much
You just couldn't be there
When I needed you most
It was too much to handle
For either of us really
Maybe I asked too much
Way too soon, way too fast
But how should I have ever known
That you'd be unable
To look at me the same
This I can never change

Floating by
Going through the motions
So little time left
No point in a change now
how much longer 'til my head explodes?
A few days could push my limit
Hollow-out feeling increasing every minute
Never-ending out of body experience
Eating me alive
One bite at a time

Catch my sight
Heart leaps
Goosebumps form
I saunter over
Intentions in mind
You shy away
Just out of reach
All hope is lost
Why do I even try?

Throughout my eighth grade year
I have tried to flourish my writing
You were always there
Teaching me techniques and giving me criticism
Believing in me always

Your sarcasm always made me laugh
And you have a fun way of teaching
I was always engaged in your class
Even when trucking through Shakespeare
You kept me from falling into a pit of confusion

First core Language Arts
Was my favorite class
And I always hated when it was over
Staying for Spartan Time helped
And I was always excited for Genius Hour

You're someone who I will remember
And who I hope will keep a look-out
For my name in a bookstore
I will miss you,
Thanks for everything

As I stare into the mirror
My insides deflate
Is that really me
Staring back

All these critiques
Echoing in my head

This is too big
That is too small
My hair so frizzy
My body so fat

Look into my eyes
The window to the soul

Lost in the dark
Pleading for help
Falling on deaf ears
So much has changed

Last time I explored
I didn't need this flashlight

Too bad I forgot
That the escape isn't easy
It isn't quick
And it isn't forgotten

Seared into my memory
Imprinted onto my brain

Pounding to be let out
But my foot is stuck
I take the tumble
Such a familiar state welcomes me

There are some things I can hide
And others that seep through the cracks

Most things I'm unaware of
Oblivious to my own self
Until I take that tumble
Every once in a while

But I never get out in time
To avoid the pain

Forever I've been counting down
Deep down thinking that I'll regret
Wanting it to end
But when it finally came around
I knew that woouldn't be the case
I never have to see the four of them again
Have to sit through them throwing food
And making concoctions with their lunch
Sure, they're just boys
But they should know better by now
High school next year and they still can't act right
The minutes going by as slow as possible
How long is this lunch?
Can't I leave?
Haven't I suffered enough?
If only I had somewhere else to run off to

The minutes finally passed
And as I run out of the cafeteria
I feel relief
From my head to toes
My terminal headache suddenly cured
As I walk away from them forever

Here I sit
Between two choices
Between two people
Between two indentities
Looking for a happy ending
In a world divided
As sharp as black and white
To my left
Is what society wants me to be
Smart and respectful
Following the rules
Dressing to impress
safe, but
To my right
Is what I want to be
Dark and edgy
Rebelling
CLoaked in black head to toe
Black rimmed eyes
Loud music blaring
But the thing with black and white
Is that there is a gray area between
With infinite shades
Some wear it on their face
For everyone to see
While they group together
I'm left in wonder
For when I look in the mirror
I am suddenly colorblind
Blinking back at myself
for hours on end
Trying to figure out who I am
Am I more of what I'm trying to be
Or what I should want to be
Maybe I'm a perfect 50/50 mix
That isn't so perfect after all
It's plain and boring
perfectly ordinary
On the left
I would be a fake, and
On the right
I would be a fake

Tell them I'm in a mood
A constant spiraling mood
******* me in deeper and deeper
Not even wanting to admit to myself
The intensity and severity
The more I try to climb out
The harder the fall
Neer completely escaping
But momentary relief
My own silence deafening me
My mouth dry, empty of word
My heart, empty of anything usefull
Just letting myself freefall
Further and further
It's easy for everyone to not notice
The quiet girl in the corner
Screaming for help

Open arms
Like a friendly invitation
Calling me in
Drawing me closer
Wrapping around me
Squeezing so tight
Tight around my neck
No breath
Pleading
Begging
They let go
Choke back my tears
Apologize
I accept
Hug and make up?
Nod of my head
Familiar hands on my back
Stab
Blind sided
Falling for the trick
Falling on my knees
Begging please
Hand me a bandaid
Stick it on my back
Tell me it's all better
While there's blood running
Running down my back
Pooling at my feet
But we pretend
Pretend it isn't there
Like we don't see it
Oh what good actors
Great actors we are
How could we possibly ignore
The life slowly seeping
Out of me

The people
Who notice
Broken smiles
Are the ones
That have
Their own
How are they
Supposed to
Save someone else
When they
Can't even
Save themself
From darkness
And pain
That hides behind
The dreaded
Fake smile
That fools
Them all

How can
He make
Me fall
So hard
So fast

He’s smart
So smart
Too smart
For me

He’s nice
So nice
Too nice
For me

He’s attractive
So attractive
Too attractive
For me

I’m broken
So broken
Too broken
for him

Dear god
Can he
Will he
Fix me

I've built these walls
Used the thickest bricks
And the strongest cement
But sometimes in life
People still break through
They make cracks in the barrior
So they can peer in
What they see is extraordinary
Or should I say
Extra ordinary
No matter how hard I try
I try to be different
Unique
And Special
Extraordinary
But on the inside
I know that all I am is
Extra Ordinary

Gray should be fluid
Gray should be flexible
Gray should float back and forth
Freely
Mixing in wherever
But when gray is not black
And gray is not white
It is not a combination at all
Gray is just gray
And no one likes gray

You cracked the code
Found the key I hid
And the matching lock
You know even more
Than I knew about myself
I feel free
From what I hid
I feel frightened
That you could see,
See right through me
I feel relieved
That you noticed
I feel terrified
That you know me
Not just me, but
Me in my truest form
You figured me out
And for that,
I thank you

The words rings in my ears
Printed across my forehead
My worst fear exposed
Right when I thought...
I thought...
Why do I keep thinking?
And hoping?
Trying to be
Trying
How many people think so?
Or rather
How many know?
These rips in my jeans
Don't change me
If only eyeliner did the trick
The loud music
Doesn't make me one of them
No matter how hard I try
But I guess everyone can see
See through this disguise
While overlooking what I want them to see

Two big eyes
Two big holes in my heart
Waiting to be filled

A pair of dimples
Fresh on his cheeks
Fresh on my mind

A kind smile
Falls on his lips
That'll never touch mine

A set of ears
Connected to wires
Tuned into the same radio

All these daily reminders
Of what I can't have
And what she doesn't want

How can I scream so loud
And you still can't see
What it is you mean to me
How can I stare so long
And you still don't notice
How much you mean to me
How can the kisses I plant on your feet
Not seep through the sole and show you
How much you mean to me
The flags I wave in your face
Lay limply
Waiting to pick up wind
That may never come
M y pleading and begging bounce off your ears
And fall into the pile of longing
That may never be cleaned up
My heart beat is pulsing so hard
Thrusting itself against my chest
Yearning to be spilled of its contents
But once that's done
Still not feeling fulfilled
You trample my soul
Day after day
But you don't know it
You don't even know how much you mean to me

I want to tell you
So many things
I want to tell you
How I love the way the sun hits your face
I want to tell you
How much I think about you
I want to tell you
How much I don’t deserve you and
I want to tell you
How out of my league you are but
I want to tell you
How we can make it work
I want to tell you
How you wouldn’t regret taking a chance on me
I want to tell you
How much it hurts that it may never happen
I want to tell you
How I want you to take the pain away
I want to tell you
How much I am in like with you
I want to tell you
All my funny stories
I want to tell you
My favorite songs and
I want to tell you
How insuperior I feel to you and
I want to tell you
How hard it is to say a single word
To someone who so effortlessly swept me off my feet

I'm sick of the media
I want to block it all out
Make it all stop
Stop showing me
All the wrong in the world
Stop showing me
How to act
Stop showing me
How to dress
Stop showing me
What the perfect body looks like
Stop showing me
How imperfect I am
When compared to everyone else
But even if it all went away
There will always be people
Relentless unforgiving people
They get louder and louder
Until others join in
Each trying to outshout the other
Until all you can hear
Are the cruel words
Flinging through the air
Jumping into my ears
And surging through my body
Every single inch
Of my body that I feel is
Getting bigger by the day
Bigger by the hour
Bigger by the minute
Bigger by the second
Until one day
I can't handle it anymore