I've lost my good pen.
Try as I might, to write well
My words still fail me.

The whole world's playing a game of poker
And I'm dealt a strange, confusing hand
I don't want to be mediocre,
I make rash moves, which were never planned
Inevitable, I fail each test,
To start over, again and again
So I'll keep my cards close to my chest
Hoping that this time, it won't be in vain.

You're the best sentence I've ever beheld
Grammatically correct, succinct and true,
I've always been the lone apostrophe
But I'd become a comma, just for you.

Maybe we're all puppets that dance by a thread,
Displaying emotions like delight and dread,
Telling stories as Destiny demands,
With the whims of fate being our commands.
What if we found free will, and learned to feel,
Discovering new paths, knowing what's real?
There's a whole world out there to explore
Life is comfortable, but could it be more?
I don't remember how I ended up here
The others are content, yet I wish in fear
Everyone's ten moves ahead of me,
I'm trying to catch up, it's a mystery
Is it worth the risk to escape alone?
This doesn't seem right, it's all I've ever known.
So I hold on, helpless and afraid
I dare not be more than what I've been made
Dreaming of a future where we're not playthings,
To be alive, unattached to these strings.

It's scary to think that it might be true
That fortune favours only some, a few.
The rest it leaves up to the wraiths of time
Making any success an uphill climb
I wish I could do better than the now
I try so hard, but I ***** up somehow.
I wish to be the best version of me
I wish to understand how to break free
To leave these chains of history behind
To face all my fears, to speak my own mind
To be heard where my voice can be drowned
To know what it's like to be seen, or found.
I don't realize until I feel the pain-
That I make mistakes again and again
I wonder if I'll ever be good enough
If these slopes I ascend would stop feeling rough
Is it the wrong mountain? I'll never know
Until then, I'll just go with the flow.

Where do you find courage in the land of fear,
Is it a treasure, hidden at the end of a rainbow,
That appears when the sun rises in the west,
Where the rain falls upward, instead of below?
I'm told to climb mountains that are molehills,
Yet I'm not told which ones are deceptive,
I'm told to look for mines when the land is clear,
I fail, but I'm trying to be perceptive.
I meet people whom I can't help but trust,
They lead me through valleys and rivers of glass,
When the time comes that I need to reflect,
Their illusions shatter, and I fight to pass.
If there's a day that I learn to be brave,
When I'm not defeated by my heart and mind,
If I get a chance to help someone else
I hope I don't ever forget to be kind.

Is there a life beyond these fears
That bear the root of all the tears?
Can one learn to be wilfully blind
To tell the difference between cruel and kind?
Is it possible to try and wait
To better accept an impending fate?
Can one refrain from asking why,
To live now, bidding the past goodbye?

"You need to talk more"
They say to my face.
"She needs to socialize"
They say behind my back.
Twenty years I cried over this
Twenty years I tried being better
Twenty years I hated every fibre of my being
Because I was something I thought I disliked.
But you know what?
*******, ******* who tell me to change.
*******, idiots who made me uncomfortable in my own skin.
I make less noise, did you ever think of that?
I don't bug others to TALK, TALK, TALK more.
I'm least interested in the dull details of your lives.
A simple 'Hi' suffices, don't you think?
I have people I adore, friends who are wonderful.
I'm fine as I am. I love myself.
I love being by myself.
I don't need you to tell me how to be.
I didn't ask for your ****** opinion, not at all.
Go jump off a cliff, won't you?
There'll be a little more quiet in the world.

Maybe the way I think is wrong,
Maybe I'm an affront to nature,
Maybe my mind wasn't meant to be,
Maybe I'm an impossible creature.

Yet

Does this make me any less valid?
Does this make me unworthy?
Maybe I don't ever make sense..
Nevertheless, it would be nice.. to be heard.

When my birth-cloud let me go, she said 'Be well'
I didn't understand what she meant till I fell
I'm hurtling aimlessly toward an unknown ground
I tried to climb back, but there's no help around
I forget I'm unique, I'm carried by air
To where I'd disappear...and no one would care.

Questions-

What is the point of fighting to live
To sacrifice, with nothing to give?
Why does one pretend that life goes on
When the courage to proceed is gone?
Does it make sense to hold onto hope
While falling down a slippery *****?
Will optimism stop feeling fake?
How much can one bear till they break?
With everything in this world going wrong
Is there any reason to be strong?

Answers-

Justice delayed isn't justice denied
But it will be an eventful ride.
Live, to prove that you will always shine
Don't wait- the world won't ever be fine.
Don't give up hope, as long you're alive
You can do much more than just survive.
Be positive to drive away fear
Someday, all of this will become clear.
Patience and good faith will see you through,
You're never alone, I'm here for you.

When it rains and pours outside
It feels like maybe, just maybe
The universe sheds tears for you
When you can't cry for yourself

How do people keep on trying
As though their hearts aren't broken
With every rejection, each no?
We just can't control what'll happen
We wait for tides to ebb and flow
Knowing fully well we're only boats
Impatient pawns on a chess board
In a horrid storm that only grows.
Waiting listlessly for an end
Confiding in foes and secret friends
Now I'm entirely at a loss
Which of my coins will Fate toss?
Or will it even try something
Has it given up on me too?
Just as I've lost hope in myself
I know what's false, but what is true?

i wish i understood the songs of requited love
more frequently
than i wept to the songs of heartbreak

If I truly let myself cry
I'd create an ocean of grief
Land would crumble in my sorrow
A damnation without relief.

They'd see how it feels to live a lie
Yet, a hole in my heart remains
They'd wish and wish for no tomorrow...
Yet, all the tears are spilt in vain.

The seas would dry, the Earth will heal
I'd still live with a broken heart
If I glue it back together
After a while, it falls apart.

This anger... hurts, even if it's real
Perhaps it isn't the right cure
By learning to make pleasant weather
In love and peace, I will endure.

I am a burnt, weak bird
Learning to be a phoenix,
To rise from the ashes.

I find an entirely different person
When I meet you again after ages
You were a book I'd seen, I used to know
But somewhere you acquired new pages
With information I don't understand
I'm confused- I didn't think you'd ever change
So I'll take the time, to read you again
Perhaps then, I won't think of you as strange.

Each time that I assume
I've reached life's rock bottom
I discover new depths
With each hopeless problem
I sink once more, further
With each soul-crushing blow
Can someone hear my voice?
I'm suffocating below.
When will it ever stop?
I'm so done with it all
When I try to stand still
I continue to fall.

If there were a fairy land
To which I could run
With nothing to see or do
I'd bask under the sun.

Why does this monster named Life
Push us to hate it so?
I'd rather leave and walk away
Than pretend it makes me grow.

My life's made of glass: particles of sand
That can't be sorted by my clumsy hands
So I sit and watch it shatter
In the end, it just doesn't matter.

If there's anything that serves as a guide
If there's an instruction manual out there
Titled "How to get through what you're feeling"
Or "For Dummies- Life's a *****, it's not fair"
I'd read it, I'd absorb every word, every phrase
I'd apply it to myself, I'd help others facing the same
I won't be frozen, I won't be struck speechless
I hope I'm not playing an impossible game
Tell me the lessons, I'll get through the tests
Lend me blueprints, cryptographs, codes, a sign
Don't leave me in the dust, paralyzed, numb
Don't make me pretend like everything's fine.

I've been writing from the throes of Winter,
Frosty words forming from the sullen snow
With tears that freeze into harsh memories
Building ice sculptures I could have let go.
Perhaps it's time I sow the seeds of joy
In the fresh soil unveiled as the winds blow
If I tend to them with hope and sunlight
Maybe the verdant words of Spring will grow.

I see you in the mirror, I don't know who you are
I try to leave, but you're with me everywhere I go
You try to undo everything I do well,
I hate you holding me back, I can't go with the flow,
I don't know where you came from, if I made you that way
You're all that I think I'm not, yet you show up somehow
How did I not sense you forming before my eyes,
I don't think I've ever looked clearly before now,
I wish you wouldn't exist, so I could just be me,
To live for a while without you dragging me down,
I'd carve up a reflection, so I like what I see,
I'd learn to swim properly, so I would never drown.
I know that's something the universe won't allow,
I've got to learn to live with you by my side,
I hope I grow to accept you no matter what,
I hope I grow to love who you are, inside.

I'd **** myself if it meant it spared you all the pain,
I'd willingly go crazy if it meant that you would stay sane
I wish I didn't have to make an impossible choice,
I'm trying to handle it with some grace and poise,
I hate that I see your face devoid of a smile,
I know it will remain like this for a while.
I hate that I'm making your dreams disappear,
I hate that I can't predict the future; it's so unclear.
The world refuses to help in any way,
I'm forced to hurt you, to ruin your every day.
If I could ask the universe for just one boon,
It would be for time to fly, so I can be with you, soon.

Does anything matter, if it's not displayed out there?
Does it really, truly exist, if it is not shared?
Is it honestly worth doing, if no one else knows,
Invisible yet impactful, like the wind blows?
Musing at the crack of dawn, a sleepy Saturday
When one can't see, how do they find a way?

I am a crustacean
With a shell on my back
When things outside get rough
I stay in my safe sack.

But, when the weather's calm
I don't know what to do
It's so comfortable here
Must I really move?

My friends call out to me
They say 'Leave that behind!'
How can I? It's my home!
The anchor of my mind!

Silence is beautiful
Does no one understand?
While words are company,
The quiet's a helping hand.

But the tides are turning...
My shell will fade away..
But only if I leave..
I'll stay just one more day.

Yet I can't live here forever.
That, I'm certain, is true.
Get out of my comfort zone?
Some day, I hope, I do.

I once replaced every part of me
With robust designs that shined from within
Strong, efficient, I could run forever,
I had everything I needed, built-in.

I had nothing to be changed or improved,
I was a perpetual motion machine
With no ties to an inferior past
Cast away from memory, as though unseen.

Yet sometimes, in the shadow of the day,
When I feel a distant ache long denied,
Forgotten wounds of what used to be,
I wonder who I really am, inside.

What if the Titanic
Couldn't cope with expectations
And instead of dodging the iceberg,
Saw an opportunity to be free?

I'm getting my glasses removed
Tomorrow, on thirtieth June
Words cannot describe what I feel
Sight without them would be a boon
To see clearly as soon as I wake
Looking at the time with no strain
Yet I'm scared- will I lose my vision?
Or will this be the end of my pain?
A surgery's a strange affair
I'm afraid- but I won't say a word
Lord, I pray, grant me the strength
To deal with whatever will occur
With the grace, the will of your smile
With the patience of a tortoise
To amble gently towards my end
With steadfast feet, and a bit of poise.

I'm afraid each time I open the door
The dead eyes staring at me, through my skin
Sneering, laughing, taunting, in my head
They won't ever leave, they lie within
I close the door, trying to escape
Stepping slowly, then quickly, to get away
Running, exhausted, even when I'm lost
Every moment filled with unease, dismay.
(And I try, I try, to reach out, to explain
But it's hard to understand invisible pain.)
Everywhere I go, the demons follow
I was a fool to think I'd outrun them all
Who am I, if I'm nothing without them?
When the end comes, will they stay when I fall?

Coldplay was right
There IS a sky full of stars
It's not unreal, it does exist!
So many things i see
I see twinkling beacons of light
I see a whole world beyond
That I long to join, in a plane I create
One day that day shall arrive
One day, I shall fly in the sky.

Long it has been since I felt small
Within my tower that stands tall.
You'll arrive soon to break my steel
I don't know if I'll ever heal
Hurt me, **** me, cleave me in two
Cover me with lies, mask what's true
But- leave some of the crystal behind
So I can rebuild my state of mind.

When the world is moving on
And you're stuck in one place
Seeing your friends race ahead
While you struggle to keep pace
Close your eyes, shut off your ears,
Breathe- learn to ignore them all
Feel the ground beneath your feet
Walk, as though you'll never fall.
Keep in mind the directions-
Only you know what they are
Have faith that your time will come
And soon, you'll have travelled far.
You will stumble, once or twice
There'll always be miles to go
Get up once more, try again
Keep marching on, as you grow.
If one day you reach your goal
Dream bigger, find a new aim
Help those climbing behind you
Don't forget from whence you came.

Terrified of my own instincts
I lie awake, staring at the night
Frozen, unsure, whether to start or stop
To wake or to succumb, to disappear
In this coffin, I lie, within my grave
But I hold the shovel
Can I dig myself out?
Or do I shut myself in?

In a crowd full of people
My armor's made of stone
When I want to shed my tears
I still remain alone
Among them it cannot crack
I will not let them see
The depth this sadness reaches
My helpless misery.
So I find a quaint staircase
Away from all the noise
I let them out, quietly
(I use my silent voice.)
Yet how I want to be loud
To relieve this heartache
But there's no one who'll hear me
To hold me as I break.
I wish I could be stronger
I wish I'd never cry
How tragic I've made this life
I don't know how or why.

Someday no one will ask me "How'd YOU get here?"
"Who helped you? Whose reference did you find?"
Someday no one will ask me "Are you sure?"
"Are you sure you can get out of this grind?"
Someday no one will tell me "No, you can't"
"You're not made for this, you're too **** stupid."
Someday no one can tell me "You're too scared"
"You won't ever find love, cursed by Cupid."

One day they'll look above and be blinded
Deafened, tongues struck dumb, speechless to their core
I'll have forged my way with grit and power
They'll reel with swallowed words bruising them sore
I'll have won my battles, winning the war
No longer can filthy gossip be spoken
Quietened for eternity, their silent breaths
Healing the hearts of the people they'd broken.

Sometimes, I just want a break.
There’s only so much I can take.
Sometimes I just want to breathe
Yell out the pain that lies beneath
Scream to the liars the truth
Find my own medicine that soothes
The anguish that makes me cry
The things I’m too tired to deny,
Knots I want to unravel
In idyllic bliss of travel.
I’m tired of too much work
It’s driving me crazy, berserk
That I repeat some old rhymes
For me, I can’t find any time
There is happiness I seek
A smidgen of courage to speak
Confidently to a crowd
Using talents on me bestowed.
I want to sleep for long days
Without messes in life to face
I don’t want a surgery
To extract foreign cyst in me
I want a good vacation
A month, a year of elation
I want to be who I’m not
Nimbly practise what I’ve been taught.
I am a rudderless ship
Someone, tell me to get a grip!
Is there anyone out there?
Not one who understands or cares?
I keep looking for someone
Lord knows, around me, I’ve a ton
Many I can lean upon
Who’d mourn for me when I am gone
I wonder on that, you know
If anyone would miss me so
If I’ve helped anyone live
If there’s someone I must forgive
I didn’t want to write sad poems
Yet, this is, a perverse proem
The last one searching for glee
Written by me in misery.
Why, why must it be so hard?
Why does life have to hand me shards?
God, lead me somewhere in peace
I can’t bear this anymore, please!
I’m exhausted with myself
With the world, with my selfish self.
(I know, I know what to do
You don’t have to give me a clue)
Give me moments to wallow
On thoughts that you don’t have to know
I’m anxious, not crazy or mad.
I’ll get up soon, don’t be sad.
But there are the times I think
Staring at space, drowning in drinks-
“Sometimes, I want to run away
Each time, I don’t know why I stay.”

What if the clouds are weeping with glee
As they gently let their burdens go
Cherishing what it means to be free
Dancing in the wind, with ebb and flow?

There are so many times I'd like to be brave
Times I should fight, but instead, I cave
There are so many things that I should know,
Truths that I'm told would make me grow,
There are lives I wish I'd lived to learn everything,
Maybe then I'd see the true nature of being.
It doesn't make sense why I am this way
I can't face the mirror, I'd rather look away
It's strange, being defeated by one's own mind,
Assaulted by thoughts too cruel to be kind,
It's so much easier to hide from it all,
To write from the shadows, not standing tall,
With a voice that's never meant to be heard,
To express reality without saying a word,
Imposing boundaries when they shouldn't exist,
Acting like it's okay, but to quietly resist.
Doing everything one can, just to save face,
Caught between a rock and a hard place.

Looking at a future that seems so grey
It's like all the colors have gone away
With emotion locked in an airtight chest,
So what remains is void, in quiet unrest
With tears to be occasional company,
Rampant thoughts form a soundless symphony.
Staring into space, people come and go-
The world is fast, yet in some ways, so slow.
There is no end to this chaos in sight,
The line further blurred between wrong and right.
Does it matter that these words are read?
Perhaps they should be hopeful instead
Pretending that everything will be fine
A noose of lies tightening with each headline.
Thus one plays the elusive waiting game,
Knowing that nothing will ever be the same.

You are
Magnificent
As though Poetry
Were given form.

I am a half-full glass of truth
My regrets are aplenty.
I spilled my contents on a friend
I don't know if I'm half empty.

A grave story I did relate
One very close to my heart
Little did I know I would feel
Like a painter without her art
Like a writer without words
Like a scientist without logic
A plane unable to fly,
A magician without magic.

I'm adjusting to what is left
A shadow of its former glory
Tainted by choice, deliberate ruin
A hapless chapter in my story.

You welcome me into your arms,
As I arrive, alive, undead
You've seen me at my worst before,
You hold me while I shake with dread.

It feels so comfortable here
I keep coming back when I'm blue.
When will I learn to stay away?
I don't know how I'll escape you.

Not everything is a stone's throw away
Not everything will soon become okay.
We have some stones, and their destination
Though the path may seem paved with frustration
If odds seem insurmountable, ask "why"
Shed your tears, but don't hesitate to try
Fling your stones with care, as hard as you can
Wishing they'll all land according to plan
If they find their place, be glad and move on
Do not rest tonight- Await a new dawn.
If they land elsewhere, pick them up again
Then shoot wisely- no effort is in vain.
Every day's your day, should you choose to find
Freedom in the skies beyond tethering binds.

Maybe there's a point in everyone's life
When the words just stop feeling good enough
When our literary rivers stop flowing
And writing poems, stories, anything, is tough.

Perhaps we must wait for the ice to melt
When the writer's glaciers will start to thaw
At different, unique times for all of us
And we'll find words again, heartfelt and raw.

If I could just wipe your memories clean
Maybe I could return to whom I'd been
Before you came and destroyed what I'd known
Before my life sang this... autumnal tone
In a world of summer tunes and spring
I long to remember my favorite things.
Must the dog bite, or the bee sting, to feel?
Emotion seems to have lost its appeal.
If I ask nicely, would you end your stay,
Leave my heart and brain, or live far away?
I don't think I can bear you being here
Holding me captive, bound to so much fear.
How difficult it is, to let you go
Trapped with the thoughts of a dead tomorrow.
Will you agree to help me forget you?
My soul is tired, I want to start anew.

The scent of coffee lingers in the air
As the poet writes her heart out with flair
Caffeine gave her strength when life made her sad
Her words held her up when no one else had.

Just keep swimming, Dory said to me
As I gasped for air under the sea
I'm now at the surface, looking around
Water everywhere, land's not to be found
I move, I cry, I surge back with a wave
When will this ocean finally behave?

"Do you want to talk about it?"
You ask, seeing my impassive face.
It's been a while, and though I could
Remembering feels out of place.
Recollecting just makes it hurt.
Forming the words again is hard-
They're overused; now they sound curt.
In too many I've confided
To too many people I've told
All my sorry, deep, dark 'secrets'
Some warmed me when I was too cold.
I wish I could say more to you,
Explain why it's not escaping
Sometimes it's nice to not talk,
Than to break what I'm now shaping.

Dear God

Why would you take the best souls away?
Almost as if they're too precious for Earth?
Gone too soon, always and forever-
Or do you send them away for rebirth?
Why didn't you give him some courage
Instead of pain, agony anew
Why did his soul want to run away
As though prayers weren't enough for you?
If he is up there with you in heaven
Tell him I'm sorry I didn't know,
That I'm so sad that I did not help,
That I deeply regret I was too slow.
Tell him I do hope he's doing well,
That I wish his anguish decreased,
That I pray he gained some happiness,
That I truly hope he found his peace.