I stand here on a dead staircase
Leading nowhere that I can pace.
I can’t run up, I can’t walk down
So I just wait, wearing a frown.
With no answer I do entreat
With each day I lovingly greet
You- a God, ghost, spirit or wight?
I can’t hear you, I have no sight.
In mirrors of conscience I see
A caged bird that sings a plea
For guidance, direction anew
For some shine in a dark so blue
A chance, a shot that brings some joy
To be more than Destiny’s toy
Don’t be cruel, don’t take away
A fleeting hand, do make it stay
As I reach for it with my will
Collecting all talent, each skill
To step out of that mighty steep
Onto a cloud that I have reaped
Pleasing the evil wraiths of Fate
Neither too early, nor too late.
The cloud is kind, for I can steer
My way into a life so queer
Beautiful, it is only mine
A blessing undeserved, divine!
Of that path I can merely dream
In this cliff I can’t help but scream
My legs are weary, patience thin
The ground looms with an evil grin.
I saw you, Opportunity
You came, you asked, you conquered me
I awaited more things to learn
But You said “Wait, I shall return.”
For months now I have screened the skies
Wondering if what you said were lies.
I want a response, Lady Luck!
Or am I once more, to get ******?
Work I shall, with all of my being
Grant me the gift of my freeing!

To all parts of this Universe
This prayer, for a life less adverse
That rings deeply within my bones
A hope, that all sins are atoned
A faith, that I will get my shot
A plea, to design my own plot
For that window to open twice
A hand to get out of this vice
To Heaven I sing, through my heart
Please, I need some help to restart!

I don't remember much of it before
The time I was without sense on the floor
Struck dumb and blind beneath a clear sky
Watching clouds go by, watching the birds fly.
Then came a tornado calling itself life
Swept me away and stabbed with its cruel knife
I writhed in agony, frantic and sad
I was depressed since, never was I glad.
To some logs I held as fast as I could
They broke away-as Fate thought they should.
But then you came along, in pain as well
Grasping in dread through a personal hell
A similar storm chasing you away
You didn't know whether to run or to stay
Somehow our paths aligned- I could not see
How this union would mean less misery.
We still held hands and bore down the tempest
Striving for something that meant more than the rest
Undefinable, which was above words
In spite of the countless poems it spurred.
I don't know as yet, if we'll ever win
If it'll be worth all the forgotten sins...
I'm so blessed it's your voice I hear
When I'm overwhelmed with some petty fear
So it anchors me to the here and now
Marvelling in this happiness bestowed.
As you give to me, I try my best to give
As much of myself as I hope to live
A small gift in this prison-house of pain
One I hope never to search for again.
In the end we're just a couple of souls
Barging unknowingly towards our goals
Yet the string between us is stretched so tight
It will never tear, even as we fight.
I'm the best sceptic you can ever find
But I'm a fool with you, stating love's blind
Doing things beyond my wildest dreams
An unlikely pair making a good team.
But time does go on, and people do change
I like myself with you- I know, it's strange.
This illusion works, cliché as it sounds
Somehow constant as the world goes around.
We try to find our new infinity
As old ones die, gripping reality
We're insignificant specks in this fire
Floating away as we spin up higher
Where all shall we go? What all can we do?
Answers I love to find, each day, with you.

I wish
Oh how I wish
it weren't so hard
To be strong.

I should have been an extrovert
Who can talk and speak to all
With poise, with grace and confidence
And knows just how to stand tall.

I should have been an extrovert
So my friends won't implore
"Come on, mingle! Don't run away!"
Staring aghast at my door.

I should have been an extrovert
Who doesn't hide in her room
With her books, music or poems
A caricature of gloom.

I wish I were an extrovert
So I could willingly comply
I'd never ask "Why am I this way?"
I won't ever have to lie.

Dreamers are told to always aim high,
To never give up in times of distress
The big dreams are noble, and worth the try
But the small ones are here too- they're not worthless.

I used to live in a river
Fluid, strong, going with the flow
But over time, I reached the sky
I stayed on land as ice and snow.

I don't know where my true home is
I keep moving among the three
Where was I born, where should I stay
That, to me, is a mystery.

I've been everywhere, seen it all
There's not much else to discover
To dwell in travel is my fate
Perhaps I am a wanderer.

Three years ago, I experienced a drought
Filled with hatred, anxiety and self-doubt.
From the lush crop of innocence and joy
I became a dead shoot, pillaged and destroyed.
Demons attached to my thick skin, I roam
Not recognizing what used to be home
Tense to the bone, crippled,followed by fear
An amnesiac that forgot what once was dear.
When will they leave- the wraiths who robbed my soul?
Am I to remain this...decrepit ghoul?
Defunct creature that refuses to grow
Unable to apply the things she knows
Who steps forward in time to see square one
Who disdains the very idea of fun
Three years it has been, how long will it be
Before there's some light in this cursed Destiny?

Hey God, you there? (If you exist)
This is a written interview
Answer as many as you can
There's a lot I have to ask you.
Some days I look up at the sky
Thinking, what do you have in mind?
What exactly are you planning?
Where are the clocks you want to wind?
Have you wound them all? I wonder
As time goes on, as life occurs
It's thrown into order, then chaos
Running riot- will structure recur?
But then again- what is order?
It sounds boring- I do think so
I suppose it brings one some calm
A safe haven from thoughts that flow.
Have you left hours free? I ponder
As miracles occur in doom
If good things come to those who wait
Must one wait long for flowers to bloom?

I don't know if I'm saying goodbye
I don't know if I must laugh or cry.
My heart feels as if it's torn in two
I don't know if I'll get over you.
9 years I've waited, through ebb and flow
But I'm too tired now: I'll let you go.
I'm not giving up- I tried my best
I've merely failed in life's arduous test.
Someday, if we ever meet again
Remember these words- your last refrain
"I cannot give you more of me
We do make a great fantasy
I hope someone does make you real
In time, I'll learn the way to heal."

I'm a humble piece of bread
Searching for your toasty arms.
When I find you, as I wait
Keep me safe, happy and warm.
Don't burn me to a thin crisp
Don't neglect me to be cold
Savour the balance of the two
As I love you till we're old.
I'll return the favour all day
As you transform to a slice
And I become your oven
In our own quaint paradise.

When the dust had cleared
A hand was found, lying still
Life was what it feared.

Dear 2018,

I probably wrote this a year ago
To 2017, your predecessor
I write this to you again with the faith
That you would be kinder, wise and nicer
By sending me help when I need it most
By teaching me more than I never knew
As I learn and relearn by stumbling and falling-
When 2019 begins, I hope I'll be thanking you.

Yours hopefully,

Marya

I see you from afar
A soul searching for a path undefined
It is only a dream
And within it, you are nameless, faceless
I don’t know who you are
But I know wherever you are, you shine
If you are in a team
Or fighting alone, strong but defenceless
If you’re in your own war
And you want to lose yourself in some wine
You’re sad, you want to scream
I’m here watching over you, regardless
Don’t open every scar
After it has closed, if all is not fine
A glow about you gleams
Even if you feel dead, expressionless
If you are not on par
With the lucky ones whose fate was benign
It is your light that beams
Through your tears. Be patient, you will be blessed
And you will raise the bar
So high no one can match you, divine
Proud, deserving, esteemed
You’ll earn it, stranger, do not be hopeless
To move your own car
You know best, deep inside, your own guidelines
Go get yourself ice-cream
Smile with no inhibition, be fearless
I believe you’re a star
That you’re a good person, do not define
Yourself by worthless schemes,
You’re amazing, more than words can express.

In the dingy depths of despair
When the world around is speechless
Through the quiet one can almost feel
The rumble of something, breathless
Like.. the Universe is laughing
As though... It can't help but do so
Ironic tune of tragedy
A mocking soundtrack to sorrow.
When one has lost the will to fight
It is heard then, glaringly clear
A sign, that one shall entertain
Evermore, being ruled by fear.

If I could let everyone know
All the death I feel inside
Revealing when I feel low
I don't know if they'd be surprised
Maybe they saw, and did not ask
Maybe they knew, and kept away
I don't know which I would prefer...
I'd like a 'How are you today?'

I wonder if the tree knows
That even if it has no leaves
Its dark facade simply glows
It's a marvel Nature's conceived.

How come we don't understand
That we're all trees of our own kind
That we are not dull or bland
That we somehow choose to be blind?

There are days when I drown in emotion
When I bleed it out, with words on a sheet
The pain, the grief, the anger or envy
Regret, heartbreak, hatred till I'm replete.

So then I decide not to write again-
I don't want to swim in self-pity.
But I break; I cannot stop! How could I?
Poems bring out light when life is ******.

My words may be crude, they're surely broken,
With no rhythm, rhyme, or sense, many a time.
Yet they weave a thread that guides me ahead,
That holds me aloft when I cease to climb.

Billions of stars in the galaxy
Would anyone notice
If one stopped shining,
Winking out of existence?

It's been two years since I fell down
Into a storm within my ground.
It's been two years since I tasted Hell
Staying mute while I wanted to yell.
It's been two years since I revealed it all
Cowering low when I couldn't stand tall.
It's been two years since I was strong
With everything I knew being wrong.

Now that I stand on my own two feet
Will construction ever be complete?
Now that I'm starting to smile once more
Will they ever heal, the wounds that were sore?
Now that I'm learning to walk again
Henceforth, will I be spared more pain?
Now that I know there's much to see
Will I fulfill my own Destiny?

"What doesn't **** one must make one stronger."
Perhaps I broke that rule- I still feel weak.
Does this mean the struggle will last longer?
I have lost the will to fight anymore
My wounds aren't healing, they've become too sore.
So I roam around earth, half-dead, alive
Dreaming of a future that isn't bleak
Knowing I can't live, I'll only survive.

Perhaps death will be kinder
My attempts to live are in vain.
The world expects a happy poem,
I am but a sorrowful refrain.

And the world tells me to swim
Swim till my heart gives out
All I can do is drown in pain
I'm underwater, awash in doubt.
"Help me", I long to say
"I cannot breathe, I want to live"
No one hears these unspoken words
I'm dead, dying, with nothing to give.

I'm a poem from an unknown poet
Written to be broken and crude
A rough draft misplaced, without thought
One that's easily misconstrued.

He's in all the letters I write- and never send
He's in the poems I create- but never share,
He's in every thought, every song- he's 'just a friend'
How I wish he'd know he's in every breath of air.

I love you so much
That I wish you happiness
Even if it's her.

I'd hide my words away if I could,
In a secret lair no one will ever find,
With shame leading the writers' crusade,
And envy at the helm behind acting kind.
It doesn't make sense to feel this way
Blamed for thoughts you cannot control,
Emotion must have its voice stolen away
If left free, it will take its toll
Exposed, one watches, stuck, paralyzed
As it reigns hell on all who bear witness
In the battlefield between wrong and right,

Hi to everyone reading this.
I just needed to write this after a particularly depressing day with the thoughts in my head, and because I feel so lonely, and this is, I hope, a safe space to express that.
It's been years since I went home, and I can't go now because of travel restrictions during this **** pandemic, I miss my family and it sometimes feels it's been so long since I felt genuinely free and happy. I'm reverting to old addictive habits to cope, which are detrimental to my mental health, because I don't know what else to do, also because I don't know if there is an end to this, to keep holding on. I miss my friends, and it's been months since I met any of them. I haven't seen people my own age for what seems like forever, and I'm afraid I'm becoming something I don't recognize, that I dislike. My career feels like it's at a dead end because job search during this time is heading nowhere, and I've been looking for nearly a year now, while working at a job I really hate. It's no use opening up to people in my own life because I've done that enough and more times than I can count, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record about things I cannot change. I'm sick of lockdowns and restrictions and stay-at home orders and social distancing and feeling so utterly hopeless I can't breathe at times.
I know I'm privileged, I know I'm lucky in so many ways and that there are so many in the world in a worse position than my own. So it feels absolutely ****** to even write all this down. But I don't know how to deal with all of this and I'm feeling so, so tired that I fear I may do something I regret. I am scared and hopeless and at a loss. Everything hurts, and every breath seems like a waste.
I'm looking for help, but I don't know how to help myself because I feel so useless. It seems pointless.
If anyone reads this, please know that I am trying, I am fighting very hard. But today may be the day I give up because I do not see the point anymore. **** covid. **** this pandemic. **** everything.

A mere phantom of life
Silent and miserable
Waves as people walk by,
Yells 'I'm here, invisible!'

It doesn't know they don't see
It doesn't know they can't hear
It shouts till its throat is sore,
Then finds solace in fear.

"Conceal, don't feel, keep it in"
"Hide", they all seem to say,
Aching behind pride in pain
Lost, trying to find their way.

Will they ever listen?
Will they stop to understand?
Will anyone look further
Maybe even lend a hand?

My mask is made up of elaborate lies
If anyone found out what rests beneath,
There would be... everything to despise.

It gets heavier every single day
With each untruth put to make it strong
It's so difficult to keep it away.

Will I ever detach it from me?
Could I perhaps learn to breathe again
To live away from the misery?

I have a new, gigantic dream
It's young, rosy and far away
I know what to do to reach it
But there's only 24 hours in a day.

I do the things that should be done
For my lamp to still burn bright
I tell my dream "Wait just a bit longer
I'll work towards you in the night."

Will I ever reach it finally?
I don't have a good guide
Working with instinct I can say
"At least I will have tried."

I'm a scared train running away
Help me, I cannot feel my brakes!
I want to live for one more day.
I only need to know what it takes
To be calm, to find peace again
To try and become what I once was
Proud, a master of dealing with pain
Not this broken coward, this lost cause.
Hope, are you out there? Don't elude me
I've been calling your name for so long
Perhaps you think I'm not worthy
Give me a chance- I'll prove you wrong.
Lead me to safety, to my track
This quiet unknown might be my end...
Guide me to an honest way back
Just this once, could you be my friend?

Don't get comfortable
Because when you do,
Life makes you lose balance,
So you fall, down, down, down
With no floor approaching
Into the darkness, numb, screaming
"When will this end?"
Keep looking out for it
You never know
When you'll be next.

"What plans do you have? Doing anything fun?"
How do I say that I plan to have none?
If a filled calendar means I'm living right
I'd gladly live wrong, with peaceful days and nights
"Seize each moment, you're running out of time!"
I'd rather enjoy what's left of my prime
Quiet, indoors, away from loud nonsense
Feeling alive in the sound of silence.

Will these hands ever stop writing for them
Hoping they'll read, understand and smile?
When will this soul learn to detach itself
Wishing they'll feel it, and stay awhile?

Will this heart ever stop beating for them
Stealing the life from this mortal shell?
It'll suffer in silence with all its pain
If it means they'll be happy and well.

Why do we love so much...that it hurts?
Will this heartache be worth it one day?
Can we heal from the wounds that no one sees?
Will you ever answer those who pray?

Find what shakes your spirit alive
Own it, because it makes you thrive
Leave inhibition in the past
Learn to work so you have a blast
Operate in your comfort zone
Widen it as your skills are honed.

You have the power, don't ever fret
Over results that you can't see yet.
Use your mind, fire your intuition
Rejoice when they yield solutions.

Don't compare your life with your friends'
Reap what you sow until the end.
Earn gratefully your daily bread
Aim high- don't you cower in dread.
Meet your goals, have faith and believe
'Success will come, you will achieve.'

I don't know you, but you're a part of me
With every beat, every lyric, every note, every key
And now that you're gone, I feel so lost, so empty
As though I'll spend life searching for you
Until we meet, perhaps in the afterlife
To ask you, why did you leave like this?
Why leave the earth to shine bright in the sky,
To be a revered, inspiring, light, lasting only a moment?
Help guide us home, lead us to a better place
Give us a sign, anything, to know that you're well
Remind us you're there, and you'll never be forgotten
I've never seen you live, how I wish I did
Perhaps I should have tried harder
Perhaps I should have listened more
Had I known you'd be gone now...
I would've done things differently.

**** the glass ceiling
It's too high in the sky
I'm still at rock bottom
Only wanting to cry.

Let someone else break it
I'm too weak to move
Maybe this was a mistake
I have nothing to prove.

Who are you to say, who I choose to love?
Who are you to say, who I pray to?
Who are you to say, I must be this way?
Who are you? I haven’t got a clue.
You say, “Actions unite a society.
You must act accordingly, you must!
Be normal, be how we have always been
Then, in you we shall place our trust.
If you don’t agree to this, Go away
Away from here, you do not belong!
Leave us in peace, we don't need you.
We send you off, for without you, we’re strong.”

But I’ll ask you: do I deserve to die?
Am I so disgusting I can’t live?
How can you decide I must die this way?
What have I done that you can’t forgive?

I remember, countless times I asked God
"Fix me, get this madness out of my head
Help me think right, push me to be strong"
What I heard back was silence instead
So now I pray for all in this world
For peace, light, a clear path for every life
For hope in unimaginable darkness
That every soul finds what I can't, in strife.

Why do I write when I am sad?
My life, really, isn't so bad.
But when times are dull, cold or blue
When it's the start of nothing new
When work is done and one is bored
When thoughts depress one even more
Words are born- itches in the brain
I write them down, I'm rid of pain.
It may not be put down so well
But it describes what I've to tell.
When my mind sings an elegy
Words are carols for company.

I'm the lone star next to the Moon,
Watching you gaze at her in awe,
Wishing you were seeing me instead.

The bird is told to leave its cage
Being bred in captivity
Feeling older than its real age
It flies with positivity.
Alas! Its burdens wear it down
It knows then that it's all a trap
It would escape, or it would drown
Its life wasted bridging the gap.

I'd like to create words with sunshine,
But it seems like they're filled with rain,
Storms, lashing across a piece of paper,
Lightning on a screen, shocking a reader
Thundering in emotion, their sounds unheard,
I'd wish for them to be simple and clear,
Concise, apt, optimistic, perhaps even brave,
All I can come up with are anxious refrains,
Maybe something's truly wrong with my brain?
Truth be told, I would rather not lie,
When there are things I don't know how to say,
When I struggle where others seem to thrive,
Writing helps me be glad to be alive.
If these are the words that leave me today,
I'll accept them, for I am glad they exist,
When the world leaves me broken, feeling small,
I'd rather have some words, than none at all.

I've been wounded my entire life
I'm bleeding, but I hold the knife.
I need to stop- I forgot how to feel
Perhaps I don't believe I'll ever heal.

If I could reach inside myself
And remove all scars of the past
If I could erase every mistake
I wonder how long I would last
Before I begin to fade, dying away,
Withering into dust, no longer alive
Would it be better than who I am now?
If life is pain, am I meant to survive?

I'm not in the Olympics, or the WWE
Yet I fight my demons with each breath, daily
Sometimes I lose, I'm knocked out, I'm outdone
Sometimes I win, I can pretend life is fun
I wonder if I can ever tap out and leave,
If there's so much more that I can hope to achieve
Is it courage I'm seeking, or how to let go?
If there's an end to this, I guess I'll finally know.

I have lost all my words
If I don't have those,
What even am I?