I am afraid to love you again
I want to feel that love and then some again
but not the hurt.

You tell me that you can't keep doing 'this' to me
I must ask what is 'this'
and if you can't then why do you?

I think what you meant was
You don't want to hurt me because I don't deserve it and I will go away
You don't want the consequences of your actions
But the thing is
You just don't know how to do that

And although I could stick around an wait for you to work on it and figure it out
I dont' want to.
Changing a behavior takes trial and error
I do not want to risk that.

I don't find comfort in people anymore

I don’t even feel like faking it anymore.

It hurts. It hurts to see him. It hurts to see him smile.
It hurts to see him sad and broken. Like I have been
And like I have made him many times before,
despite my intentions

It hurts to see him walking
because every time,
he’s walking away.

It hurts to see him go run in the rain.
Wishing I was the water droplets on his skin.
Because he found the joy in the thing most disliked
With the lightning and thunder chasing us
But that’s just me daydreaming now

It hurts to push past him in the hallway,
with his scent reminding me of all the time
That never was and couldn’t have been

It hurts to see her in the halls,
with the hoodie I used to call mine.

It hurts to know that I can’t be there for him.
When I know he needs it,
but he just doesn’t want it from me.

I want to love him, not manipulate and use him like she did.
Not try to change him into something that he’s not just for the benefit of my own,
like the other one did.

It hurts

It hurts to know that all of that is gone.
It hurts to know that I can dial the same number but it’s never going to ring

It hurts to know that I’m going to call him anyway.
Because breaking old habits is hard.

“The telephone number you have dialed is temporarily not in service.”

I'm not going to rant to you
as you may not understand

You have always said
promised to me, over and over again
that you will be there to talk to
if i ever dare feel the need

In a moment of weakness
i try to use the words
that i know you will not understand

english is a harsh language
With hard, stiff, stone letters
Sharp words
Blunt
The tough, callused hand
better at beating you down
Than helping you up

Other languages
A way to comfort you in a relation
a way to turn these stiff ways of the tounge
to silk and fresh water
to something
easily, gentally, softly felt
As smooth as a cold, gliding glacier's stream

English is the langague
for facts, explanations
plain, blunt topics
It's hard to have words for feelings
Emotions
ways of the heart
But other lanauges don't have words for such things
They have words, phrases, exchanges, dialects, customs
for moments
for memories
for dreams, almost out of reach

So when I try to explain to you
What i am going through
behind the "I'm fine."

"You know what I mean?"
"Uh, not really"
Well ****
Now you know the thoughts inside my head
Twisted by your interpritaion
your intake
of me

I don’t wanna be your girl no more
Can’t you see
I’m not me

I want
to be your friend
I want
To be here for you
I want
Your arms here
for me
God I want
But there’s some **** I can’t forget

Just know you left bruises
just that
Bruises
They could be worse

The second time
You left scratches
You pierced my skin
Congrats
It stings a little

The next time there was a cut
But not left by you
Although the impression of you lingered
Lost but found with the tip of the blade
The loneliness of night
Escorted by the open arms of a sad playlist

Just take from this
Just remember
Just know

How much you changed
In my view
Now it’s my turn

Everyday you’re here
I count until your gone
For I know it is inevitable
But my calculations were wrong
And you are gone too soon
And I didn’t get to say
That I ...

I can't be alone with these thoughts of mine
My mind runs like a hamster on a wheel
Sometimes it just won't shut up

I need to scream
Let it all out somehow
Some way I just need to feel at least
free
of me

I am locked in a cage, and no one has the key.
People gok
I'm a bird in a cage. Flapping my wings, only hurting my self because the cage is too small.

How are you?
is a simple question
with a loaded answer

I'm fine
I'm good
I'm great
The bigger the word, the larger the lie

Happy 6 months sweetie! I love you so much <3

6 months
120 some days

but all i remember are the nights
of loneliness

staring at the ceiling
wondering a million what-ifs
and what-did-i-dos

what if i never brought it up
what if you never texted her
what if we just talked
what did i not do that she did
what did i do that wasn't enough
not skinny enough?
not kind enough?
not perfect enough?
i've concluded
not enough

curling up
holding my stomach tight
breathing heavy into my pillow
so no one knew
my anxiety attacks about you

thinking about you
and then her
really leaves me here
to think with my mind unclear
left with a smear

nothing to do
no one to go to
but you

only
you are not there
not in the same way
as before

or at least
not for me

In an attempt to scratch the itch under my skin
caused by a hundred breathing irritants
I take a blade and when they ask

Oh this? It's just a scratch

In order to filter the thoughts in my head
I crack it open with a can opener

In trying to find the answer
And filter this poisoned blood

I poisoned my self with terminal self destruction

In an attempt to filter the blood contaminated with wrongful thoughts
I bleed from my irritated layers
As if the air will give a transfusion to heal this ****** up life

i don’t wanna be your girl no more
can’t you see
i’m not me

i want
to be your friend
i want
to be here for you
i want
your arms here
for me
god I want

But there’s some **** I can’t forget

just know you left bruises
but they're just that
bruises

the second time
you left scratches
you pierced my skin
Congrats
it stings

the next time there was a cut
but not left by you
although your impression lingered
lost but found with the tip of the blade
the loneliness of night
escorted by the open arms of a sad playlist

Just take from this,
Just remember,
Just know

how much you changed
in my view

now it’s my turn to do the same
so pay attention

a wish so simple
a thought so full
a mouth cursed shut
lungs drowning in kerosene oil
unable to ignite and
simply burn
under the high pressure
to be a diamond
but some diamonds are
simply coal

I don’t need someone to make quick snide remarks
or to say sorry this is happening

I need someone who understand
without words

not that there are any to say

I want no need to explain

just a hand to hold
a beacon of warmth
a heart to love

You want
Need
To have someone
To distract you from yourself
An emotional dependency

A fight
Between you and me
I suppose you thought it was gonna go down in history

You moved on
To the next person who would listen and react
To the lies you sweetly whisper in their ear
Making them rot away with you

I see you
I recognize this

I am happy to oblige

I don't blame you
Nor me
Just the situation
I'm not angry
I'm not hurt
I am mad
But at peace
I understand
That it was my mistake
To allow myself
To listen to you

You leave me with this
empty feeling
I'm not even yours
yet you have a piece  
of me
I’m left with a longing
for you
that's when I realized
all of the what-ifs that filled my mind
about you
were wasted...

It’s the wholesome feeling when you tear into the
delightfully messy glaze
The soft fried dough
It’s a classic
Doughnut shop
The place you feel most comfortable
The most hungry
A place you make new memories every time you go
A doughnut by yourself, with a friend, with a special someone
This corner doughnut shop
Is my safe place
My home base

Smoke
filling your lungs
Red sunset
that same smoke
Floating, filling
the air
90 degrees
humid
Confusion
Loss
The hot pavement of the sidewalk.
Screams in the back of your mind,
Constant
Everybody is fighting
Just like your secret screams

I’m the only one that knows the pain in my heart,
I put a shield up
A smile on
You can’t see
My secret
Tortured soul
When I put on my masks
People don’t know any better
They've always seen me with them on
Who would think that it’s a mask?
After all
How many secrets can such a bright smile hide?

I sit here
In a mood
My phone chimes
A smile paints across my face
My heart beating way too fast
How has it not burst

It's you

And it's killing me
Waiting to respond
But I must
Not wanting to see too desperate or attentive

Because I need you
More than you know

When you are laughing so hard
It's hard to breath
But you can't stop that smile

When you think of your crush
You are just so happy
Your smile is effortless
It just happens
A reaction

Then there is the one
That you are so used to
That one where you have to use all of the muscles in your face
It takes all of your energy
Because it's so hard to fake now a days

A smile can tell so much
And nothing at all

Because people can't see what's behind closed doors
And a wide smile

I'm not a touchy feely person
I'm not going to exploit you to friends and acquaintances
I'm not going to cry about how much I miss you
I'm not going to be a victim
Or an attention seeker.

I am going to be,
You are simply visiting

I am not going to change the sheets if you don't like them
or the kitchen
my shoes
or my heart

I just am, you are a visitor
An onlooker
An acquaintance that I let in
Never mind if I want to be alone
You want to break down the door

Locked eyes
but only for a second
then dart away
like a forbidden secret

You’ve had a crush on me for a while
I was tempted
I indulged off my no boys diet
but only for a night
You were the pounds I couldn’t keep off
no matter how hard I tried

I knew I didn’t really want to lose you
rather embrace the weight

You are my friend now
but friends don’t call you in the middle of the night
having intricate dreams about another
or think of another right in the morning
fisrt thing on my mind

friends don’t look at each other they way they do with their boy or girl
friends can stop thinking about you

so I guess we aren’t friends

or at least, I’m not

Loneliness is a strange thing
Sometimes it longs for people
But when something comes along one can get scared
anxious
unsure
Now wanting and longing for the loneliness to return with open arms and a tight comferting hug
Where one knows it’s safe

Maybe she’s born with it
Maybe she works for it
Maybe she starved for it
Maybe she cuts
Maybe she hurts
Or maybe she just hides it so well

****

Am I in love with him
Do I love him?
Is this what love feels like?
Or
Felt like...

Did I mess it up?
I think I did

******

Studys show that when you don't trust your gut
you get the wrong answer

I should have trusted my gut
I should have stayed away
it was rocky
you pulled me in and out
like the tide
but you knew your end goal

I let the waves shake me
as I drift
into the unknown
of your heart
your trap

What if I scraped these layer of skin off my wrist
Like peeling a head of lettuce
Layer
by layer
by layer
Until I reached the last layer of my vein
Then all it would take would be
one
little
scratch

The cold metal
The crisp slice the blade against its self

It's tempting,
to say the least

The scissors only go so far
There things in the garage
It wouldn't be so hard

It could be as easy as
one
little
scratch

I hope you get better.
I know that whatever you're going through you'll make it.
Get better, whatever is wrong.
You got it.
You good?
You sure you're okay?
You'll make it through this, it's just a rough patch. We all have them.

The things people say

I know will have no effect
Because babe trust me,

I've been wishing and hoping for a long time
And nothing has changed
Nothing has been touched by the grace of God or the whisper of hope

So what makes you think your words ever will?

I'm broke
and **** near broken

some days i can't eat at all
other days i eat too much
can't stand to look in the mirror
wishing the number i see on the scale would switch with my grades

things never go the way i want them to

too many dead ends
not enough ways out

got nothing to do
no time soon

i'm often forgotten like snow in summer

i'm breaking out
but not from this hole I'm in

my brain is constantly fizzling
hopefully soon
i'll get tired,
simply fizzle out
so this static can just
        S
    T
  O
       P

i need something,
or someone,
that takes the pain away

that fills my lungs with something other than this
undescribable
endless
void

i'm done
i'm tired of this body and soul

how many pills does it take
until i no longer regenerate?

is this a call for help?
or a way to let it all out?

but when you ask,

I'm fine

You shouldn't have told me the truth
Because now I know
How you feel about him
I shouldn't have listened
Or questioned

I wanted to hear
"Yeah I don't really think about him like that anymore"
"I was never into her, my mind was all about you"

I wish that I could take it all back before you said 'I love you'
Before I spoke
Before you both confided in me about how you felt
Not about me
But each other

So here my heart lays
Shattered
Cold
And still

Me scraching at my thoat,
Wishing I never spoke

There are no words for a poem
So we use even more
There is no summery
No singular word to describe
You have to read the story
Go through the journey
To know just were this untitled path will take you

I'm not gonna title a sad playlist sad
I'm not gonna show it when I cry
Or when I feel

There is just something special
When they say your name
Not just good night
Or good morning
Not like they are addressing many people
It's when they say goodnight to
you
Good morning to
you
Have a good day to
you
Love, you

That's when my heart starts beating more than is safe

That feeling
That reason why you don’t move
Why you don’t look up
Take your nose out of the book
The reason why you zoom to the next class with your head down
Talking to nobody but yourself and your tortured thoughts
The tightness in your chest
The terrifying feeling
When someone approaches you
The relief and heavy breath out
Like the release of a balloon
When you realize they were heading toward someone else
The
          Thoughts
Just
      Don’t
Stop
Everything
Becomes a struggle
A big mission on what path to take
With the least people
The least amount of eyes staring and mouths talking
You assume they are talking about you
You are terrified
Have to get out
You walk fast
To your little hideaway
Your safe haven for now
But you can never hide away from the real cause
The real reason
You realize as a tear runs down your red
frightened face
You can’t run away
Anymore

I don't know what to do
We gather, we eat
There's a candle with her picture
I don't know what to do
I haven't done this before
What do I do
The one person who would know
Isn't here anymore
So,
All I can do now
Is ask,
Where did you go?

The way you crack your neck
Fix your hair
The way you
are so nice
unlike the others
The way you make everyone laugh
without even trying
When I look at you from across the room
My heart melts
My heart is the beating bass drum to a song
I fill with hope
Delight
Confusion
Confliction
Fright
Sadness
Misery
I want you
More than you know
I want to look behind my shoulder
secretly
at you
But I can’t
Not with everyone watching
Not with you noticing
You are addicting
You are my drug
You
Are
My
Sin
That makes me feel every emotion
Every sensation
You are my
conflicting feelings
Then you leave
And move on to your next victim
You are the one that keeps me from my happiness
Confuses me
Although
Somehow
I listen to my heart
Ignore my common sense
And can’t help
Falling for you
And your ways

The whispers
The laughs
The names
The jokes
The speculations and guesses
They talk about you
They are shocked when you speak
They think you are weird
For being quiet, kept to yourself
The lockers talk
Earbuds in
Head down
Nose in a book
Mad face drawn
It works, they stay away
They don’t approach
Ignoring the quiet judgment
You are almost there
To the peaceful relief of the quiet corner in the library
Where nobody goes
The rows of books, other lives you get to live
Because you would rather live in those than your own
People talk
You ignore it
You are used to doing so
You don’t care anymore because
You realized a while ago that
Sometimes it could be a luxury
To be a nobody.

I told you in confidence
My heart
         s
  a
       n
k
When I heard you speak
I thought I could trust you
But you revealed my secret
It lifted so easily from your lips
Like a leaf, carried by the wind, so effortlessly
You have practiced this before

I don't like crying
You are vulnerable
Mysterious
Alone
People see you when you cry
Well, they think they do
People assume
so
     much
That you are too upset, can't hold it in
     a n y m o r e
Can't deal with your ****
Something is wrong with your relationship
How w e a k
You got a bad grade on a test
You hate yourself so much, you
b
     r
      e
a
          k
They assume

People don't see
They get confused more than anything
You are now more drama

So no,
I don't like to cry

Every word you say
Everytime we burst out laughing
I write it down
Because I know
That you will one day
Disappear
But I don’t want to
Forget
The feel of your chest
The smell of your hair
The comfort you gave
I want to relive the best parts of my life
That you became

You made me nervous
I was caught off guard
I would catch my breath
You made me scared
You made me involved
I adapted to depend on you
To need you
I wanted to not need you
I knew
I would be scorned

That day came
When I turned around
And you weren’t there
You went away
Disappeared
Into thin air
Suddenly gone
and with a piece of
        me
Now I take the ring
engraved with promises
of the past
off for the last time.
And say goodbye
To the day I dreaded
So much

I could end it all in a minute.
End the rumors
The lies
The whispers and thoughts
These compulsions of mine
Screams in the back of my mind
It could all go away
With just
One
      Simple
   Sin