Happy 6 months sweetie! I love you so much <3

6 months
120 some days

but all i remember are the nights
of loneliness

staring at the ceiling
wondering a million what-ifs
and what-did-i-dos

what if i never brought it up
what if you never texted her
what if we just talked
what did i not do that she did
what did i do that wasn't enough
not skinny enough?
not kind enough?
not perfect enough?
i've concluded
not enough

curling up
holding my stomach tight
breathing heavy into my pillow
so no one knew
my anxiety attacks about you

thinking about you
and then her
really leaves me here
to think with my mind unclear
left with a smear

nothing to do
no one to go to
but you

only
you are not there
not in the same way
as before

or at least
not for me