I am afraid to love you again
I want to feel that love and then some again
but not the hurt.

You tell me that you can't keep doing 'this' to me
I must ask what is 'this'
and if you can't then why do you?

I think what you meant was
You don't want to hurt me because I don't deserve it and I will go away
You don't want the consequences of your actions
But the thing is
You just don't know how to do that

And although I could stick around an wait for you to work on it and figure it out
I dont' want to.
Changing a behavior takes trial and error
I do not want to risk that.

I don't find comfort in people anymore

I don’t even feel like faking it anymore.

It hurts. It hurts to see him. It hurts to see him smile.
It hurts to see him sad and broken. Like I have been
And like I have made him many times before,
despite my intentions

It hurts to see him walking
because every time,
he’s walking away.

It hurts to see him go run in the rain.
Wishing I was the water droplets on his skin.
Because he found the joy in the thing most disliked
With the lightning and thunder chasing us
But that’s just me daydreaming now

It hurts to push past him in the hallway,
with his scent reminding me of all the time
That never was and couldn’t have been

It hurts to see her in the halls,
with the hoodie I used to call mine.

It hurts to know that I can’t be there for him.
When I know he needs it,
but he just doesn’t want it from me.

I want to love him, not manipulate and use him like she did.
Not try to change him into something that he’s not just for the benefit of my own,
like the other one did.

It hurts

It hurts to know that all of that is gone.
It hurts to know that I can dial the same number but it’s never going to ring

It hurts to know that I’m going to call him anyway.
Because breaking old habits is hard.

“The telephone number you have dialed is temporarily not in service.”

I'm not going to rant to you
as you may not understand

You have always said
promised to me, over and over again
that you will be there to talk to
if i ever dare feel the need

In a moment of weakness
i try to use the words
that i know you will not understand

english is a harsh language
With hard, stiff, stone letters
Sharp words
Blunt
The tough, callused hand
better at beating you down
Than helping you up

Other languages
A way to comfort you in a relation
a way to turn these stiff ways of the tounge
to silk and fresh water
to something
easily, gentally, softly felt
As smooth as a cold, gliding glacier's stream

English is the langague
for facts, explanations
plain, blunt topics
It's hard to have words for feelings
Emotions
ways of the heart
But other lanauges don't have words for such things
They have words, phrases, exchanges, dialects, customs
for moments
for memories
for dreams, almost out of reach

So when I try to explain to you
What i am going through
behind the "I'm fine."

"You know what I mean?"
"Uh, not really"
Well ****
Now you know the thoughts inside my head
Twisted by your interpritaion
your intake
of me

I don’t wanna be your girl no more
Can’t you see
I’m not me

I want
to be your friend
I want
To be here for you
I want
Your arms here
for me
God I want
But there’s some **** I can’t forget

Just know you left bruises
just that
Bruises
They could be worse

The second time
You left scratches
You pierced my skin
Congrats
It stings a little

The next time there was a cut
But not left by you
Although the impression of you lingered
Lost but found with the tip of the blade
The loneliness of night
Escorted by the open arms of a sad playlist

Just take from this
Just remember
Just know

How much you changed
In my view
Now it’s my turn

Everyday you’re here
I count until your gone
For I know it is inevitable
But my calculations were wrong
And you are gone too soon
And I didn’t get to say
That I ...