this is not about you.
i refuse to miss you,
let this break me,
let myself love you.
i will not hope for you to come back to me,
i won't remember the way we used to be,
i won't think about how i used to fill my days with you,
how each hour spent with you was never enough for me.
but more importantly,
i won't think about how you don't miss me,
how i am the last thing on your mind,
and how you will never realize how much i cared.
this will not plague my mind
and cloud my dreams,
i will not think about you,
*i will not love you

There you stand.
Just a foot from me,
Your eyes say you want me,
But your body doesn't move.
You walk away and so do I,
And I don't look back,
but I know you're looking over your shoulder, watching me leave.
Convincing yourself this is what you want.
I want to turn around.
Run to you and kiss you,
and yell at you to want me too.
To want me as bad as your eyes say you do.
To love me with force
And to not be afraid.
But I am fearless.
And you are determined to be alone.

You touch my body,
your beautiful hands caress my skin.
Your touch as light as feathers,
yet somehow penetrates my whole existence.
Your touch echoes through me.
I need it.
I crave it.

And I looked at his face,
his perfectly scruffy face,
and I knew I was in love with him.
It was 3:06am and I was in love with him.
I was in love with the boy who doesn't believe in love.
But at 3:06am I realized that I would be okay, because I would always love him.
The kind of love that warms your insides,
not the stupid butterfly **** you see in the movies.
The love that fills you with so much warmth you boil over with happiness.

At 3:06am, I was the happiest I had been that day,
because I was with him.
I ended my day with happiness, and started a new one with happiness,
and I knew it was okay to keep that a secret, because in that moment, happiness meant more than my undying love for him.

*******,
and you inability to love me.
*******,
and how you've never supported me.
*******,
and your words that cut me.
*******,
and your dead heart that beats me.
*******,
and your traps that trap me.
*******,
and the love you denied me.

But **** me,
For believing you,
For loving you,
For letting you in,
and giving you chances.
Yes, **** me, and my
Stupidity

When I imigine it,
it's a soft chill,
which cools my body.
I don't hear your voice
nagging
cutting
bashing.
I hear the freedom,
resounding in my head,
you are free
you are free
You are at peace

Away I will go,
from the places which burned me,
far from the places which haunt me,
Free from the arms which bind me.

You are not there.
You speak no sound.
You are not alive,
yet you are not dead.
But you are lifeless,
And I am at peace.

it overtook me
like a wave
washing away my fears
my anger.
i felt nothing,
nothing but calm
still
silent.

i am alone,
but i do not fear loneliness,
for peace is with me,
covering my scars,
shutting my eyes,
and holding me close.

i am alone,
yet i am surrounded
comforted,
peace

The promises you made,
the apologies that meant nothing.
The "love" which fell away,
faster than I could fathom goodbye.
Betrayal and lies are all that remain,
The bitter after taste
of a sweet love run dry.
Our cup is empty,
left with only the foam of memories,
hardly covering the depth of time.
You, my love, are gone.
thinking that you're the victor,
believing you beat me at the game of love,
but here I stand sober,
while you down another glass.
A glass of heartache,
of regret,
of loss,
Yet I am *sober

I used to type,
freely,
without hesitation.
But you stopped me...
You burned me,
abused me with your savage neglect.
Now I pause,
Hesitate,
Re type,
Reword,
My words are broken-
meaningless and empty...
searching the void of memories,
yelling at nothing,
accomplishing nothing,
nothing,
but a blank space

My words will drift away,
melt into the comfort of happiness,
coat the silence that slips across the span of nothingness.
I won't return,
and you will not wait.
take his hand,
they beckon,
I do.
I watch you fade as he leads me away,
no sound,
not a noise,
And I am gone.

He wrote me poems,
his heart on a page
filled with black
covered in syllables longing to reach me.
My heart was open,
raw and forced,
by the claws of heartache.
His words felt like liquor,
stinging the scrapes,
then numbing my heart,
drunk in the peacefulness of comfort.

He wrote me poems,
but I could not read them.
My mind was elsewhere,
lost in the memories and the hope for a tomorrow,
and
I slipped away,
broke his heart,
the page went blank.

He doesn't write me poems,
but this one is for him.
For every leaf that falls,
I think of him,
every snow that dusts the grass,
I remember him.
I will write him poetry,
to cover up the guilt I feel.
I hope he reads this,
to not understand
the enigma of love
friendship
hope
*im sorry

Your absence is like a bed of sharp nails,
Puncturing every inch of raw skin.
What is grief?
A theif which steals my time,
Emotions,
Energy,
Encompasses me in a void,
With you reverberating in the darkness,
Your name,
Your memories,
Your everything,
Tangled up and thrown at me,
All at once,
with the force of a lifetime
Taking my breath away.
I claw to the surface,
Let me breathe,
Let me live.
It has surrounded me,
And I have surrendered.
I will miss you,
I will *grieve

The tears fall slowly,
masked behind a smile.
She is screaming on the inside,
Dying on the inside.
Hide the pain
hide the tears,
Don't flinch when the knife hits
Your heart

blood stained arms,
swollen face,
red rimmed eyes.
The blood flows freely from where the blade gashed my flesh.
Slacker
cut
Not good enough
slash
Worthless
a new slice appears.
Each with red, ruby red, emerging from the depths of my sorrow.
Each word rips into me,
and I carve,
carve the image i want to be,
carve the pain i long to be free from.
The crimson stains my skin,
giving each laceration a halo of red.

i watch the liquid crimson surface on my skin,
emerge from the depths of my being,
away it falls from me,
the stinging sensation filling me,
with joy?
no
with release.
with the freedom to control me.
the swift motion of the blade,
is me,
not her,
not him,
not them.
me
I decide my fate.

I will not lie,
I still feel the hurt,
Still feel my flesh burn
when I hear her name.
Like a knife to the scars trying to heal,
her name slashes me,
kills me,
defeats me.
And for what?
A two week fling thrown together by mutual heartache?
It pains me still,
wraps me in the embrace of fear,
Of torture.
does he love me?
or is it her?
the voices in my head echo,
across the vast emptiness,
engaging every fear,
triggering every impulse,
making me feel second,
used,
worn,
weathered.

They creep in,
like a haunting breeze,
Goosebumps ***** my skin,
my heart sinks,
it tingles as it slides down,
Past despair,
Past the emptiness,
Past the broken promise,
And broken faith.
Those feelings,
I don't wish to feel,
The hope I wanted to have,
The few shreds of faith I cling to,
My dreams,
The future,
I hope
Oh how I hope,
And long,
Long to be a priority...
My heart aches for a free soul.
Lost in the journey of freedom,
Overtaken by the intoxication of new.
I wait though it kills me,
Burns my eyes, and slashes my heart,
Love though it kills me,
My desire for you crushes me,
Leaves me alone at night,
Holding only my dreams and a tear stained pillow.
All I wanted was your love,
Your attention,
You affection.
Give me love,
Or set me free...
Don't let me wait,
**** me now,
Not slowly.

You knew I needed you,
you chose not to care.
You knew I was breaking,
you chose to ignore it,
sip a beer,
have a laugh,
avoid caring...
while I drown,
while I suffocate,
spinning into a bottomless void,
of light and dark,
of empty promises,
and broken hope,
into the feelings you never had.

You pledge devotion,
yet you forget to call.
Swear by you love for me,
but you're not all there,
only part way,
when you need me...
for I cannot reach you,
can't even call for you,
I just sit and think,
and cry,
and break.

Tomorrow we will wake up,
in two different worlds.
You with a hangover,
and me with a swollen face.
You naive and giddy,
and me,
weighed down with my heavy heart,
unable to feel anything else.

Please understand my love,
I cannot stay here,
I cannot die here.
I cannot be here.

Numb the pain,
dry your tears,
hide the loss,
bury the broken promises.
Conceal your face among those who wander,
lost,
searching for meaning,
from a cure from the emptiness.

you've become diluted.
What was once a strong,
poignant love,
has become watered down.
I used to be drunk,
saturated in your devotion,
it was everything i needed,
my nourishment,
my life line.
Then it was cut,
ties were severed,
and you were gone,
slipped from my grasp,
only memories were left to light the darkness that filled me.

Your loved entranced me,
filled me with ecstasy,
your leaving extinguished me,
crushed my faith
obliterated my hope.
but you came back,
and filled me with love,
took my hand and led me out.
Embraced me with your passion,
took my fears away,
close the distance,
this gap between our hearts,
saturate me with your love.

close the distance,
pull me close,
i am counting on you,
putting my faith in you,
one last time,
spread my arms,
and i jump,
i am falling,
again, head over heels,
love me
hold me
trust me
be with me
I love you.

When i meant more than sleep,
when you kissed my lips too hard,
when you loved me too deeply,
and held me in your gaze too long,
when we weren't miles away,
you filled me with love,
that was when i was happy.
Now i wait for you to call,
wait to see if i will fit in with your day,
wait to see if i am worth it,
if i deserve the love you used to give,
i wait,
i always wait,
stuck in a never ending phase of purgatory,
this unrequited love i feel for you,
barred by distance,
feeling alone,
knowing you're there,
but feeling lonely.
stop this.
stop my heart from breaking,
go back in time,
to when i was happy.

turn back the clock.
erase time
memories
hurt
loss
love
anxiety
everything.
all of the above.
all except you,
and me,
i would do it for you,
i will do it for you.
i have no option to love you,
no choice to feel this pull to be with you,
so i fall.

He steps back,
His heel knocking the bottle,
It wobbles,
And tumbles over.
He does not turn around,
He does not notice.
So it lays there.
Spilling it's contents,
Until it is empty,
No one picks it up,
Sets it right again,
It is empty.
No one will drink from it again,
Because it is contaminated,
Touches the ground,
Left behind.

But I say love those who have felt
Crushing pain,
Agonizing desire,
And utter defeat.
Pick up the fallen,
Because they have lived the most,
They will know how to love,
They will know how to thrive.
After all,
Survival of the fittest,
Is it not?

It washes over me,
like a cool fall breeze,
a breath of fresh air,
and I am free.
I no longer feel tethered to you,
caged in my love for you,
I am okay
I am happy,
because he makes me smile,
because I can smile.

Why did I love you?
when all you did was make me hurt?
Make me cry?
He makes me laugh.
He lightens my heart.
You weighed me down,
but not anymore.
You left me
empty,
or so I thought,
but now I am full
of laughter,
of happiness,
of peace.

You don't control me,
you never will,
you chose your path,
and I can choose mine,
and I choose to live for me,
not for him,
and certainly not for you,
for myself.
I choose to leave you,
I choose to give up on you,
and that my friend,
*has set me free

I do not have all of you,
merely a piece of a complicated puzzle.
The jigsaw of our relationship,
still missing a piece.
You cannot love me as you think you do,
no one can,
that is clear to me.
So I will wait,
for the fog to clear,
for you to see
that I am just temporary,
a girl you use before you find the real thing.
I am just a test,
the pool you dip your toe into,
before diving in headfirst.
I am not that girl.
I will never be that girl.
I am solely temporary.
Forever *temporary

Your love enveloped me
in a suffocating embrace,
it terrified me,
i couldn't believe someone could love me,
as you did,
the distance threatened me,
it tapped my shoulder,
told me to escape,
so I listened
But it was wrong,
or so i thought,
I could've done it,
but you were already gone,
the distance overtook you,
intoxicated you with freedom,
filled you with independence,
and you are gone.
I am the one left wondering,
what switch was flipped?
What part snapped?
I will never know,
if it was her who entranced you,
or I who drove you away...
but you are gone,
and so am I,
and I will be okay.

I am 1,000 pounds,
weighed down by memories,
by crushing defeat,
by failure,
by loss,
by regret...
yet I am weightless,
empty,
a trophy in a dusty case,
my varnish dim,
no longer new,
no longer shiny,
I struggle to stay afloat,
but I am still swimming,
because I see the lighthouse,
tall and shining.
a gleam of light beckoning from it's highest point,
come to me
swim to me
I am the way out
and so I tread.

it numbs my chest,
burns in my heart.
how will i succeed?
what if i don't?
I crave you,
with every part of my being,
my mind,
a projector of memories,
my heart,
waiting to be filled by your love,
an empty cup.
i am a beggar at your door,
old and worn,
weathered from the storm,
but hear me,
see me,
love me
please,
do not shut the door.

i will wait,
i will fight,
but i will not let go,
i can't.
for i love you too deeply,
i love you too much,
scare me,
hurt me,
break me,
lose me,
i am still here,
loving you the same.

our lives are all lotteries.
a game of chance,
at best.
we have all succumbed to it,
gambled our freewill away.
to those who haven't,
who are still unchained,
it calls
sit down at the table,
let me deal you a hand
read the fine print
young man,
for once you sit,
you may never leave

you don't get to soar,
while i fall,
into myself,
and collapse.
you can't feel happiness,
because I can't.

only..you can...you will..and you are.

i put you through hell,
yet you still love me...
i opened my heart,
and he chose to leave me...
what is the choice?
what is the comparison?

I choose you.

the one who hasn't left,
despite my many flaws,

people always leave,
but then there's you,
waiting,
like the inevitable twilight left over from a sunset,
or a rainbow after a storm,
not summer or winter,
or a new spring day,
you are fall,
my fall.
a brisk season of comfort.
the vibrant change,
from a neon summer,
that seems endless,
with no change,
the muggy presence hangs in the air,
until fall come to refresh it,
a cool breeze to cool the heat,
to change the leaves,
to change *me

my past is marred by your present,
my thoughts forever changed,
what i thought it was,
versus reality.

no one is perfect...
however the one you believe to be
falls so hard,
killing your expectations,
making you doubt yourself...
what is hope when it is lost?
how is it redeemed?
can it be redeemed?

i will not know answers,
to you and me,
or to if and why..
to when and now..
i only know now,
and what i wished never to know.

but we must persevere,
because life has no waiting rooms,
we are forced to move at a fast pace,
with only brief glances behind us,
to wonder,
to grieve,
to learn,
but then we are looking forward again,
into the inevitable void that is the future,
don't look down,
don't look back,
keep moving forward.

and so i wait,
*for my turn to look forward.

i am deleting you from my thoughts,
erasing you from my memory.
removing every piece of you i had,
scattered throughout my world,
a world you never desired to live in.
i am taking steps back,
slowly drifting away,
but your back is turned and you are smiling,
you will not care,
because you will not notice.

i tried
to fall again,
to open up,
but i was scared,
so i put up my walls,
enclosed myself in loneliness,
left you on the outside,
forever wondering.
just know i'm on the inside,
still trying to find a way out...
knowing i'll only escape
to no one

Oh you silly fool,
thinking that love could save you from despair,
from darkness.
You see I am the one that controls you,
You silly fool,
Thinking you could escape me,
my emotions bind you,
my power will rule you,
There is no way out,
For I am *eternal

How do I fix this?
The shattered remains of an imperfect relationship?
Tell me what tools to use,
I will work for hours,
Rebuild those walls that enclosed us,
My hands will bleed,
My body will sweat,
But it will be worth it in the end,
Because I will have you again.

Alone she was left to wander,
To consider the paths she could take,
But there was nothing,
An empty void that once took the form of her hope,
Shattered,
Broken,
Helpless,
Who would hear her cry?
Who would save her from the darkness?
no one they answered,
And the darkness closed in.

I paint a picture in my head.
Of thrashing waters and foaming seas.
But there is hope too,
A man,
Reaching to help me,
Showing the promise of being saved,
But the voices trap me,
They tell me to bring him in too,
And I know I cannot listen,
I must rebel in the only way I know how,
To not listen,
To refuse to listen.
*i will not listen

A thousand words came to me,
Up from the depth of my heart,
But I stopped myself from saying them.
he won't listen
My thoughts insisted
you still love him
My heart urged,
But I screamed no,
And the words were gone,
The moment lost,
Never to return.

"How was your day?" you never asked
terrible , I never said,
why don't you love me? I never asked
"I love you", you never said

i want a way out,
to escape the invisible scars.
how do you show them?
how do you prove them?
who would believe you?
a mother does not love her child?
impossible!
well i say,
its possible.

look in the mirror,
what do you see?
puffy eyes,
swollen face,
a shell of a girl,
the heart of a girl,
longing to be set free.
the picture of desperation,
clinging to the last bits of hope,
as her heart shatters,
and the blood spills.
there is nothing now...
just the memory of the pain
the abuse,
no happiness,
no light,
just darkness,
eternal darkness.

I love you.
I can't explain why
or how
or when I came to this conclusion,
I just love you,
in everything I do,
with every part of me,
with everything I am,
I am in love with you.