I didn’t ask you to still care. I asked for the chance to let you go. I asked for the hope that one day I wouldn’t have you stuck there in my head but you know you are
                              And you know
                        And you know
And it makes it so hard. You knew how I was feeling. You could have left it there. Slowly I began healing but you keep coming back again.
              And again.

       And Again.

Stealing my peace with these wishes that one day, somehow, I will be with you,
content.

He wants you to know that he feels wasted.
The feeling of ash in his mouth, tasteless, 

but the numbness he feels isn’t painless, just nameless.
He thinks you think yourself blameless but his hatred, though baseless; shapeless and aimless, reckless,

is tenacious; holding him in stasis. Sleepless. Wakeless.


“You took all that I had and spread it out like a selection on a cheese board for all to see, but you… You kept my heart for yourself. And every now and again you return to it and watch, pressing down slowly upon the needles that hang there like some strange, disturbed voodoo doll. Well, when the needles have been pressed through, they’ll have nowhere left to go, and the holes that you leave, will heal over tenfold.”


  Waste not, want not.

  Want not, waste not.
                  Wasted not, wanted.
                  Wanted not, wasted.
                   Wasted no. Not wasted. He just feels it.

Everyone was right.
But stopping is like being on train tracks,
  A locomotive going at full speed towards
   A cliff.
    The passengers you brought along
      Scream at you to stop it

       But you cut the breaks long before you
       even left the station.

Tick
Tick
Tick
Tap
Tap
Miss

                      Tick
                      Tick
                      Tick

                                         Miss

      Scratch
      Scratch
      Tap tap
      Scream

Stroke
Stroke
‘Hello?’

                  ‘no’

Stuck in your own head,

                    you’re alone.

Tick tick
  Tap tap
    Scratch scratch
      You’re trapped.
        Tra tra
          Pa pa
          Ha ha
         Haha
        Hahaha
       Hahahaha.

No way out.
Shout ?
‘what’s wrong? What’s this all about?’

Nothing.
She…



               Nothing.

-
I don’t want to be

Just another tick,

A heartbeat,
Off your list.



I left the taps running.

The shot? I missed.

You scratched on the door like a cat waiting to be let in.
Screamed when you saw what you’d seen.

Stroked my face.

Awake?
‘Hello?’ I heard you say.


‘no’ go away.

It’s not fair,

You should have left me there.

I didn’t want to be saved.

I changed my mind.


.


I’m gonna get an Indian.

I’m gonna get a Chinese.
Take away that takes me away
Small pleasures that sooth my heart

              Special Chow mein
           Special fried rice
        Not so special prawn crackers
But still special to me.

                                 Reminding me of when
I was a boy and I’d scoop up joy in a little edible bowl and glow as the taste hit me as hard as you did when you said you couldn’t give what I gave you back.

                                                          ­  Well I’m
gonna get a chinese tonight, so how about
that.

Like piano in the background you were a soundtrack to my soul, a wormhole to another part of the universe where we could float amongst the stars and stall time as if it was ours. Still. Amongst the vastness of it all. I’d freeze in warmth as my name was called.

Because of her you neglected yourself. Subjected yourself to neglected all else, and now all you have are apologies. She’s gone and you were left with the sorries that need to be told. Worries of being left alone while their tone on the phone is stone cold. Your depression is an excuse they say, unsold. So like a piece of origami you fold in and around yourself till the paper is thin and time turns you old.

You remind me of my mother. I said that to you once, maybe twice. I think I told someone else that before too.. But I can’t remember which one of the many. I said you were like no one else. Like she was like no one else. ‘Perfect’. Now you’re gone from my life. Just like she is. What have I done? You remind me of my mum.

We always talk about what would happen if we hadn’t met, and yet, I always wondered what would have happened if we did. ‘Before’, and I knew you, all of you.

-                         We write poetry
When our hearts are shattering
Into a thousand
                   Tiny
Pieces

I’m crying inwards
Tears falling upwards
Through my veins
Blood pumping driving my brain
Insane
This pain is inhumane
So please
Let it out
Down
Coursing it’s journey past a frown
It reaches my heart
But there’s nothing left
No beat, no sound
She took it all apart
Like a found secret
drawer
Flipped it and shook its contents
out on the floor
So it crawls around it’s walls
Reminding me I was a fool
Through echoes
Echoes
Echoes
It shows
It shows
It
It goes
It goes
On and on
Wherefore?
It’s odd
I’m not crying anymore
Well, I am, inward.

Wondering here like a dream;
  The moon to my left,
    Sat here on my balcony.

                          A soft breeze brushes my hair;
                        Calm as a kiss,
                      My mind drifts in the air.

      A cars headlights glide over the horizon;
        The darkness finds comfort
          Till it hits lights at London;

                                  Red sparkles glisten and glimmer;
                                Shivering remnants of life
                              In an empty place for sinners.

                The opposite shine up above;
                  Stars in darkness,
                    Thinking love not enough.

                                          The only way to come back down to earth
                                         Is by looking up at night
                                       To be lost in a universe.

A boy once,
who loved.
                                                                                                     Now a man,
                                                                                                     little chance.

Happiness is simple.
It’s not
A bath too cold.
  Or one too hot.
   A late bill payment
    Or loosing your job.
     Prison for tax evasion.
      A day too sunny.
       A friend ‘not fussed’
        Or even that funny.
         A day too dreary.
          Catching the bus
           Well... Almost
                    ...Nearly.
             Having no one to trust.
              Sitting at home
               Under your covers
                Stressing so much
                 You twitch and you stutter.
                   Anxiety and pain
                    When you think of a lover
                     A feeling with no name
                      As you cry and you mutter
                       Worried words of weakness
                        Wander through each thought
                         Becoming almost breathless
                          A depression that will rot.
                           Happiness is simple?

It is not.

I hate that you are so beautiful.
I hate      that you are
                                      So
                                            Beautiful.
At a price
I say it twice
                          It’s comical
                         Illogical
                        That for you I fall
Neurological
Psychological
                        The damage caused
                       Stall
                      Stall
                     Stalled.
                    Paused.

My head now full
         Cruel.
           Undo
             The damage that has spread
To bed
To bed
To bed
     It was said
       I hated how you were so beautiful
         When for twice those words were
      bled.

If I was separated from you
By a wall
12 feet tall
With no way to pass
Or make it fall
  I’d ask for glass
    A small window placed
      At the height of my shoulders
        The height of your face.
          Only one way
            A mirror of mine
              So I could see you
                While you move on with time.
                             I’d watch you smile
                             I’d watch your grace
                             I’d see his joy
                             As you dance till embrace.
                    You would grow old
                  Gifted with grandchildren
                But you would be happy
             As I looked on in.
         As life fades from sight
      You’d remember a time
    Of a boy who once was yours
And wishes you were mine.

I’m letting it hit me
Like a wave
Washing over me
Wet soil on a grave

I’m letting it burn
Like hot coals
Beneath my feet
Thought myself so bold

I’m letting it suffocate
Like a dark plastic bag
Pulled over my mouth
A marble statue made to gag

I’m letting it take control
Like a fortune teller
Whispers of possibility
What if I hadn’t met her?

I’m letting it sicken me
A twist with no hunger
Flicking me, eyes closed
Like sleeping through thunder

I’m letting myself fall
Far down the rabbit hole
In hopes I’ll land and look up
To my name being called

Back where I began

with my back turned

Unaware

I never learn

The mistakes I make

Burn

Etched into my memories

Like a waterfall

cutting a path I faintly discern

love I’d sworn

conversing in a bath tub

Return

to the time I ended up

Back where I began

With my back turned

Unaware

I never learn.

Can’t sleep.
Lying here.
On my bed.
A bright screen.
White
Dead?
No life.
My head
Filled with knives.
I bled.
For a time.
Words unsaid
Steady decline.
Depression fed.
Fault’s mine.
Should’ve fled.
Was a sign
Should’ve read.
Got there fine.
Where it led?
Should’ve said
A bright screen.
White.
Now red.
Dead?

Not yet.
What’s next
Lying here
On my bed?

I can’t do this
Thoughts like mist

a fist.
Fog.
My minds missing a cog

a clock.
My eyes are burning

Hurting
My thoughts are turning

stop.
My stomach

in knots

A rot
Inside out
all I can think about.

stop
Falling over me like a wash
Of molten lava
Melting me from the inside

Out.
Hot.

The Devil my master.

Monster

food for thought.
The heat you feel when the cold
Won’t stop
your soul’s been bought.

Hot.

Heat makes for

Heavy
Breathing.

Heaving.

Heave


Heaven.

Stop.