Truth
Something that can't be spoken easily
Something that cause judgement
Something I need to tell
Something that hurts so bad

Truth
Why is the truth so hidden?
Like a bad thing
Why do we are supposed to believe pretty lies?
Is the right thing always that bad?

I don't even know his face
I don't even know if I like him
I don't even know if he is my dream prince

But I don't care anymore
His very existence can make me smile
His fatherly words, as if I'm his daughter
Already enough to make me feel loved

Even though I've been fooled before,
Somehow I trust him fully
Even though I vowed to never love again,
Maybe this is my second chance

Get me out from this hellhole
Stop stalking me
Stop making me insecure all the time
Stop bothering me
Stop making me feel watched
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

Depression
I know how to cope
Yet I can't cope

Uninterrupted sleep
Yet I can't
Because dad will wake me up

Sounds of nature
Yet I can't
Because mom will turn off my computer

Aromateraphy
Yet I can't
Because mom hates lavender.

A pat on the shoulders
Can't reach me anymore
Emotional music
Can't reach me anymore

Love
I can't reach out anymore
Friendship
I can't reach out anymore

I keep becoming a worse person
Day by day
I keep becoming a hopeless sould
Month by month

Twenty-two years ago
My mom made a big mistake
She gave birth to me
A cursed child
There is no such thing as happy birthday
Why do everyone keep saying happy birthday to me?
Well, at least there is a good thing
I'm one step closer to death now
So, I guess I should be happy.

I'm supposed to look forward to it
I'm supposed to look at the future
I'm supposed to be happy
But all I see is a dark tunnel.

It started at zero
Positive, Positive and Positive
and Negative, Negative and Negative
Back to zero
Negative, Negative,
P̶̤͗o̷͚̊̚s̴͉̈i̴̗̥͌̓ț̶̨͋i̴̧̽͋v̷̨̤̌̿e̸̥͒,̴͚͍͒ ̴͚́̈P̵͎͕̔͂o̴̠̬̓ş̴̐́i̷͙͗͆ͅt̷͙͍̅͆i̴͎̔̅v̷̠̙̔è̶͇
Negative, Negative,
The needle finally breaks
Now it stuck at zero
Forever
Unable to think negative again,
And unable to think positive again
Is that a fair price?

It’s gone
Everything…
Feels like…
I can’t open my mouth
Without letting my tears flow
I have thousands of words ready
Yet I can’t say a single word

So close, yet so far
Somehow I regret it
Like… I’m here but my soul isn’t here
I don’t know, I don’t even feel sad
But somehow I know
I will cry for no reason

I don’t feel like I’m here
But I don’t want to go home
Is this… a void?
I’m still aware about everything
I’m aware that I’ve changed a lot
This will be better if I just face it alone

I’m afraid
This may be the last time
And my last impression is just silent
Happy music, Happy songs
Sunrise’s voice
Won’t pierce me anymore

Happy memories
Disappears one by one
Close friends
Drift apart one by one
It’s not them
It’s me

Unable to think of anything...
Unable to feel anything...
Unable to cry
Unable to smile

Like an empty shell
Yet still breathing
No light in the eyes
Yet the eyes are still wide open

What is the future?

If you ask a 5 year old kid,
He probably answers "The future is when I become a doctor"

If you ask a 12 year old teenager,
He probably answers "The future is when I enter high school"

If you ask a 18 year old college freshman,
He probably answers "The future is when I graduate and have a job"

If you ask a girl who madly in love with her boyfriend,
She probably answers "The future is when I get married"

If you ask a newly wed couple,
They probably answer "The future is when we have our kids"

If you ask a single mom,
She probably answers "The future is when I see my son marry"

If you ask someone with incurable disease,
He probably answers "The future is when I can be free of this disease"

So...
For you,
What is the future?

What exactly is future?
Is it tomorrow?
Is it next week?
Is it next year?

What is it exactly
The future that I always feared
I know what will I do tomorrow
But why it is so scared to think about "the future"?

There are boiled noodles
There are fried noodles
There are instant noodles
There are non-instant noodles
There is ramen
There is pasta
All of them can be tasty or not
Depend on the eaters

Poems are like noodles
There are so many kinds of poems
All of them can be good or bad
Depend on the readers

And I am hungry.

You said
That I am so selfish
Because I keep myself shut
From people who tried to help me

You said
That I am so selfish
Because I can't cry
In front of my best friends

You said
That I am so selfish
Because I keep my cheerful act
And hiding behind my mask

You don't know
How hard it is
To receive help
When I just want to rely on myself

You don't know
How hard it is
To cry in front of others
When I think crying is a weakness

You don't know
How hard it is
To not act as a cheerful girl
Because I have become one with the mask

Your singing voice
Your lyrics
Your piano

Thanks for keeping me alive

In this cruel and competitive world



I'm just a dust


That no one cares about.

O holy night
Beautiful memories
My childhood's christmas

When my family was whole
We sang this together
Because it was my favorite song

But now
I sing it alone
The stars aren't brightly shining anymore.

Professor,
I know you can't read this anymore
But I still want to tell this

There were times when I almost gave up
There were times when I had breakdowns
But I don't want to disappoint you

Thank you for all these years
Thank you for all your guidance
Thank you for supporting me all this time

Tomorrow,
I will officially graduate
One hundred days after your passing

I'm sorry I can't bring anything as gratitude
But up there, you are proud of me, right?
Please continue to guide me from now on.

Dear my prince,
I love you
You are my first thought in the morning
You are my last thought before I sleep
You are my sunshine
You are my hope
I'm so happy that I have you
Ever since you walked into my life
I always walk with a smile
I really cherished our memories
I want to be with you forever



I put the letter on your tomb
You proposed to me just yesterday
You hold me just yesterday
You wiped my tears just yesterday
You kissed me just yesterday
On a night of christmas.........

Death will not set us apart
I cannot live without you
Let us marry
And love each other for eternity

I take my knife
Please wait for me, my dear
Please welcome me
And our eternal love.

Stop telling me
I am diligent
A diligent girl won't
Become a NEET

Stop telling me
I am kind
A kind girl won't
Have no friend

Stop telling me
I am beautiful
A beautiful girl won't
Be alone at parties

Stop telling me
I am cheerful
A cheerful girl won't
Have such deep scars.

Sometimes
I need to go back
To the start point
Like a little girl

Over one hundred
Poems that I made
Yet I still see templates
Poems for little kids

I know it's silly,
But I'm not ashamed
It's like I was dead
And reborn as a little girl.

"Hey, do you know?
My friend's daughter has been accepted at a famous college!"
"Hey, do you know?
My friend's son just got a scholarship!"

"Hey, do you know?
Your cousin is just graduated with perfect GPA!"
"Hey, do you know?
Your childhood friend works in a famous company!"

Yes, I know
I'm not a perfect daughter
I fully know
I can't make you proud

On the eyes of my beloved
There is a closed door
Even if I try to open it
I can't reach it

Honesty
Even though it hurts
Please tell it to me
I won't regret it

I don't want pretty lies
I know your "I'm okay"
I'm scared of awful truth
But my heart won't be deceived

Honesty
Is such a lonely word
I want to see the real you
Not your fake smile

November 30th
Another end of month
Only one month left
Till the end of year

Am I a better person since last month?
Am I getting worse?

I.........

Your eyes
As black as the night sky
Completely consumed
By your search of certainty

In this crowded world
Full of uncertainty
Please let me hear
Your name...

There is only one certain thing
On my mind
I want to be with you
Till the end of time

If you are ever scared
Just call my name
I'll be there
Holding you till you feel better

I want to protect you
Whatever is the cost
One day, we will find
A place that belongs just to us.

I loved Japanese songs
Six years ago, when I started learning Japanese
I was overjoyed when I understood ONE word
Telling myself "I did it"

But now, when reading lyrics
I understand everything but one word
I tell myself 'I'm an idiot"
I studied 6 years for nothing

What is the standard for "I did it"?
Why does it feel so hard?
What is satisfaction?
Why does it seem nonexistent?
What is the reward for confidence?
Why does it feel like nothing?

Even though this farewell
Was solely my decision
It's easy to cry
They are not tears of sadness

Like a bird
That strays away from its flock
I don't know
When will I go tomorrow

Like a bird
With freedom and solitude
I shall fly
With my own wings

I shall fly
Towards the blue sky
To my future
Without forgetting my past.

Do you know who supports you today?
It's yourself from yesterday
No matter how far you've come
You're still mid-journey

Every past is becoming a trace
Pain, sadness, happiness
You bring them all
All of them are your stories

Do you remember your dreams,
That you drew on paper that time?
Raise your hand a bit higher
Just believe in your own light

Everyone has their own struggles
Someday, they will become your strengths
Just do your best for 365 more days
And don't forget the path you've chosen

If you ever ask why
It's because you're still alive
It's because you still have a dream
It's enough.

Bells are ringing
Candles are lit
Santa Claus granted my wish
I can spend today just with you

You laughed,
"This is silly!"
As two of us decorate our room
Let's celebrate every year from now on

This town, only ours
Let's shine our light of love
I can deliver my every thoughts
You have granted my every wish

Merry christmas and...
Will you marry me?

I want to **** myself so badly,
Yet I don't have the courage to do it.
I want to destroy myself so badly,
Yet I don't have the courage to do drugs or smokes

Why?
Am I serious on wanting to destroy myself?
Am I just bluffing?
Am I too coward?

Drugs can destroy me for sure
With this frail body
Smokes can also destroy me for sure
With this frail heart and lungs

But why?
Why I can't do it?
It's as if I want my body
To rot naturally.

Boring
Annoying
Broken
Forgotten
Denied
Withered


....that's me.

As blood flows out from my wrist
A ****** silhouettes appears
"Doesn't it feel better this way?
No one will judge you"

There is no wrong grammar
There is no wrong structure
There is no wrong word
Because it needs no word

There is nothing wrong
You hurt no one except yourself
Let the blood flows
As you let those feelings out

No need to show the world
No need to seek attention
Just blame yourself
Just **** yourself

I hope that one day, mom will stop scolding me
I hope that one day, mom will stop telling me to do stuff I don't like
I hope that one day, mom won't mind if I stay in my room
I hope that one day, mom will let me live my own life

I hope that one day, mom won't complain about me
I hope that one day, mom will appreciate my efforts
I hope that one day, mom will not put me down for those
I hope that one day, mom will say i'm a good girl even if it's only once

I hope that one day, mom will see me as her daughter
I hope that one day, mom will regret all she did
I hope that one day, mom will realize that i'm not perfect
I hope that one day, mom will miss me when she can't see me anymore.

A sneaky rat and a little gecko
Both lived in a family house
The little gecko always greeted the family
The sneaky rat always stole their food

The family loved the little gecko
Because it was cute and kind
The family hated the sneaky rat
Because it kept creating a mess

They set a trap for the rat
Hoping that they could get rid of it
But the sneaky rat was clever
And told the gecko to get the food from the trap

The little, innocent gecko stepped on the trap
And the sneaky rat ran away
Even the family couldn't help the little gecko
Now it is trapped there forever.

I like to write
Plans, stories, everything
I like fancy notebooks
I like blank paper

I went to a bookstore and saw a notebook
It had the word "Positive" on its cover
In which I thought I could write my sadness
Such that I could become more positive

HEY, YOU'RE WASTING MONEY AGAIN!!!
B-but it may help me!!!
ARE YOU EVEN MOVED BY THIS FAKE MOTIVATION?!
Well, I could try...

YOU WILL WRITE NONSENSE AGAIN
I'm trying not to...
JUST STOP WRITING
.........

My dream is to smile again
I want to gi e a smile to myself
I'm tired of gi ing a smile to others
I'm tired of ʰᶦᵈᶦⁿᵍ behind my f̶̓̅a̷͗̄k̸̀͐e̷͆͘ smile
Someone please gi e me smile
Please bring back my smile
ᵢ wₐₙₜ ₜₒ ₛₘᵢₗₑ ₛₒ bₐdly
I beg you.

My dream is to smile again
I want to gi e a smile to myself
I'm tired of gi ing a smile to others
I'm tired of ʰᶦᵈᶦⁿᵍ behind my f̶̓̅a̷͗̄k̸̀͐e̷͆͘ smile
Someone please gi e me smile
Please bring back my smile
ᵢ wₐₙₜ ₜₒ ₛₘᵢₗₑ ₛₒ bₐd
I beg you.

and I still can't melt your heart.

Protect me like a Knight
Heal me like a White Mage
Steal my heart like a Thief
Burn my passion like a Black Mage.

Blow my mask like the wind
Drown my sadness like the water
Light my courage like the fire
Welcome my future like the earth.

I sent you countless letters
Countless poems
But my words won't reach you

I have about thirty tiny wishes
But you probably can't memorize all of them
So let's put it simple
I want to be with you.

I enter my room
And close the door
And start screaming
"Everything is gonna be okay"
No....
"Everything is okay"
"Every....thing... is... okay..."
As my tears starts flowing
"E..ve...ry... thing.... is....o..kay..."
I keep saying that to myself
But why?
Why is it so hard to lie to myself?

Love
What is it?
When was the last time I fell in love?
I don't even know anymore

Love
What is it?
When was the last time I deeply cared about someone?
I don't even remember anymore

Love
What is it?
When was the last time I genuinely smile because of someone?
I don't even remember that I did.

The hands of the clock point to one
                                                             (It's one o'clock)
Ah, tonight is just another sleepless night
                                                       (You haven't slept yet)
As always, I only heave a sigh
                                                      (You'r­e sighing, as always)
Holding a fragment of loneliness
                                               (Holding a fragment of loneliness)
Tightly to my heart
                                                     (Tightly to your heart)


I am forlorn, I am alone
                                                           ­    (You're not alone)
Yet I can't bring myself to trust anyone
                              (You just can't bring yourself to trust anyone yet)
If I let my tears flow
                                          (If you let your tears flow)
If I can forgive myself
                                                (If you can forgive yourself)
Will I let go of this fragment of loneliness?
                           (Will you let go of your fragment of loneliness?)


Till we meet,
                                                         (Till we meet,)
I realize for the first time
                                                    (You realize for the first time)
That I can be happy too
                                                     (That you can be happy too)
I can smile, I can love you
                                                 (You can smile, you can love me)
And we can be happy together
                                                  (And we can be happy together)


I'll just tell you now
                                                (I'm telling you now)
Don't leave me
                                                (I will never leave you)
I beg you to stay
                                                (I will stay)
I can't bear to lose you
                                                 (I can't bear to lose you)
Let us be together for eternity
                                               (Let us be together for eternity)


You take my fragment of loneliness away
                                     (I take your fragment of loneliness away)
Creating a new story
                                      (Creating a new story for you)
A new memory to remember
                                       (A new memory of both of us)
Now I finally understand
                                            (I will make you understand)
What is romance.
                                             (What is romance.)

Is that a myth?

Or just a dream?

The hands of the clock point to one
Ah, tonight is just another sleepless night
As always, I only heave a sigh
Holding a fragment of loneliness
Tightly to my heart

I am forlorn, I am alone
Yet I can't bring myself to trust anyone
If I let my tears flow
If I can forgive myself
Will I let go of this fragment of loneliness?

Till I meet you,
I realized for the first time
That I can be happy too
I can smile, I can love you
And we can be happy together

I'll just tell you now
Don't leave me
I beg you to stay
I can't bear to lose you
Let us be together for eternity

You take my fragment of loneliness away
Creating a new story
A new memory to remember
Now I finally understand
What is romance.

You started your journey
                    (You started your journey)
Towards a bright future
                (Tried to have a bright future)
As you walk forward
               (As you tried to walk forward)
You met hurdles
                     (You met hurdles)

You had a breakdown
                      (You had a breakdown)
It seems that you lost already
                      (You lost already)
You fought alone
                       (You fought alone)
Overcoming it with your own strength
                       (Nobody can help you)

Soon, you will reach halfway
               (Soon, you will reach halfway)
Toward your goal
               (Toward your goal)
You made it this far, congrats!
               (The goal is still far away)
Keep it up, you can do it!
               (Can you make it to the end?)


Believe in yourself.
                       (Question yourself.)

Each and every of us is a story
Story in my life
We never met physically
But we're family

We all weave our separate stories
But from a distance they are one
We all come from different places in this world
But in this screen we are one

Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for being my family
Thank you for being my happy memories
Thank you for being my life.

There is a young girl
Sleeping peacefully
After a very long day
A day that drained her life force

Two hours passed
The girl still sleeps peacefully
With a little snoring
And innocent face

Five hours passed
The girl still sleeps peacefully
With a little snoring
And innocent face

Ten hours passed
The girl still sleeps peacefully
With a little snoring
And innocent face

Twenty hours passed
The girl still sleeps peacefully
With a little snoring
And innocent face

A day has passed
The girl still sleeps peacefully
But there is no snoring anymore
Because she has found the real peace.

A room full of dogs
I will get bored someday
A room full of video games
I will get bored someday
A room full of music instruments
I will get bored someday

As I approach the final room
The girl shows me a projector
I see my parents and friends
Fall into despair when they see my corpse

She said once again
"There is no turning back"
And again, with a smile
"It's your choice"

As I ran out of words
I approach my piano
Moving my fingers
As I create a new melody
With my own hands

Witness the power of music
As my mood changes following the rhythm
My caged mind
A fleeting emotion
Has finally broken free with music

Music of countless possibilities
Whispering my scattered memories
Blooming my quiet imagination
I want to make an inspiring creation
Till I can hear voice of destiny