im tired
of keeping myself on a short leash
and getting disappointed
when i think you would release me
when all you do is make it shorter.

i've long thought this
how sunsets no longer captivate me

when i walk in a crowd
no face is left unblurred
each passerby drab and uninteresting
nothing to catch my eye
nothing to tear my heart in two
or ever leave my mind

what is beauty to someone who can't see?
or to someone who sees
that nothing is beautiful anymore.

gasp
heave
pant
the ringing in my ears
the lump beating in my throat
the sound of my heartbeat caught in a flame
that burns bright and angry
in my lungs
as i taste iron on my tongue
and blisters bloom
on the soles of my feet
like flowers in a summer's field
and yet the stench of sweat
the cling of cloth against my skin
raw and pink and thick with grime
but i'm running out of time
i won't ever stop to breathe.

it was like a shock
at first
like lightning strikes
in the silence of midnight
breaking through the calm
like a raging storm
that thrashed and hurt
in white-gold veins
harsh against the clouds
an electric current
that creeps into my blood
and settles in my chest
when i first saw you.

it came in a flurry of pink and blue
my cotton candy days
of swirling colours down the length of my spine
down the length of my throat
pooling at the base of my feet
lilac tears and a blurry violet haze
puffing like smoke before my stinging eyes
and disappearing without a trace.

there is no beauty in her words
only a hatred so strong
it turns every breath of hers to ash.

the words blur
and swirl
and slur
these mumbled thoughts of yours
each sentence caught
in a murky sea
of things left unspoken
and all things that came to be
all things that fall apart at the seams
all things that rewind and disappear
and all things that come undone
in the end.

the solemn sighs in empty halls
these vacant thoughts that line the walls
a chilly breeze through a midnight flare
waiting for the heavens to bear
to bear a heart that's ice cold and blue
thawing in the light of the moon
and with each beat that pains, that hurts
that explodes into starbursts
of woad and gold in the vastness of the sky
on this lonely
this lovely
starry,
starry night.

what does love feel like?
i heard it feels like butterflies in my stomach
fluttering about inside
i heard it feels like fireworks
sparking,
an explosion of colours i'd never even think of seeing

what does love feel like?
they say it feels like fire
warm and slow
and sometimes it grows so big it can burn whole buildings
they say it feels like floating on a cloud
it's soft and smooth
and so high up, that they can only see the flickering lights of cities down below

what does love feel like?
i heard it feels like skin against skin
and lips against soft lips
i heard it feels like a magnet,
pulling you closer and closer to someone
until you're completely inseperable

what does love feel like?

i've never been in love before.

and there is darkness once again in this place
of the gentle strum of a broken guitar
and the old crumbling walls that surround us
eager to give in
and let the ceiling ripple
crashing like giant waves
on a bright beach's shore
but we escape
from all these things birthed from ruin
and the tenderness of a warm hand
we escape
each fragmented laugh that echo the halls
and the days etched into the earth
we escape
and leave our souls behind
one piece at a time
and plant it into the soil
hoping it could grow and flourish
in this dark place.

"hello, what is your name?"

the familiar vibration in my ears
that creeps its way into my blood
a buzz
a hum
constant
beneath my skin
when days were louder
like the crash of pots and pans
in my grandmother's house
where the ceiling was littered with butterflies
like the static from empty radio stations
akin to that of crunching snow
and the harsh grating of metal

they are the memories dipped in sepia
and overexposed flashes of light
dripping as they walk on
leaving footprints
a silhouette

it is the fear of our wrinkling hands that drive us closer to the edge
to the end
as the sun and moon rewind in a never ending cycle
a loop
right before a leap of faith
towards that never ending youth
the desperate sliver of summer at the end of a blurry december's haze
when nothing is recognisable
a restart

"hello, what is your name?"

one night, i counted the seconds
the ones i could hear from my broken wall-clock
each tick was one second, and i would tap my fingertips together to count
reaching to the hundreds

running to catch a moving train,
id lose my train of thought
and start again

each tick, every second
is the amount of time to dot a page with the tip of a pen
to stipple it with ellipses
for a quiet read

one night, i counted the silence
the ticking between the words
i counted the periods, the commas
every pause that collected thoughts
and i wondered with my jumbled mind
on what the amount of time in a person's life is spent on thinking before speaking
pondering on what to say
til the last second

i think it comes with the fear of stumbling over your words
to get tongue-tied and garbled
the fear of embarrassment as you pick your sentences up from the floor
not knowing what to use in an appropriate manner
yet time ticks by, each second dotting the space
as you race for a response against
looking like a fool and looking like a fool
one with words unsaid and one with the wrong thing spoken

one night, i counted the seconds
i counted the dots when i would type a reply
the three dots of contemplation
and the conversation ends.

i still see you in my dreams
white hallways of burgundy tile and gravel
multi coloured lockers line the walls
sometimes i believe
im in a dream
still a sleep on my desk
before the lunchbell
when things were a haze of quiet noise
do the fish still swim?
does that tree still stand tall?
are the things that i've hidden
stuffed between shelves,
covered by rocks,
still there?
or have curious fingers touched them
traced the loops of my handwriting
wondering who
i am

i wonder, too

i still see you in my dreams
fresh cut grass,
tall windows, plush seats
a corner
hidden from the world.

the sun goes by, and it sets
as we lie and ruminate
in empty rooms inside our heads
and the days come late
while the nights draw near
we run in circles on the hands of fate
as we eat our fears
one by one
the moon goes by, and it sets
the days are gone
nothing but whispered threats
but we draw blood
and it drips
on soil and mud
during crashed road trips
to a destination that dies
as we grow close
and it splits,
divides
crossroads.

your light crept into the nooks and crannies of neighbourhoods
lighting up the darkest of alleyways
when i step foot into your house
the space shines with colours i never knew i could see
i'll breathe in your radiance
even when your light fades into a familiar glow
i'll bask in you
even when the skies fade into the evening's blue
and all i ask is to feel your embrace
to feel your golden arms around me
even in the setting sun.

before i knew it
the pink shatters
the filter of gold disappears
her curves, bittersweet and angular
unlike what i thought before
her soft voice
now sickly
coarse with demand
how come
i never noticed it before?
must have been
the tears blocking my vision

i think he's noticed it too

nevermind.

they came to me at night with messages to bring

i won't ever forget the silence they carried to me

in arms that cradled words i could not understand

each syllable they uttered through chapped lips vibrated in my head

they reach out to me with molding skin

i see it fall to the ground in rotting clumps

they wrap me in their decaying embrace one last time

and when i awake

i find myself crying.