I met you 3 years ago.
5' 2" and terrifying.
You never got any taller, but your rockstar personality shot right to the moon and back. And you never let anybody bring you down or tell you what to do. I admired that about you.
I remember the dumbest things about our friendship. I remember working with you on a group project we both didn't care about. I remember becoming friends with you like it was an easy thing, like we both knew we would be friends eventually.
I remember the first song I ever sent to you, and not expecting you to like it but you did anyway. You told me the song would even get stuck in your head. I promised to send you every song I would ever write.
We were close. I would always make time to talk to you. It didn't matter whether or not you were interrupting anything, I would set anything aside to talk to you.
We shared our jokes, and our pain. Our laughter and longing, we were good friends and we never let each other down.
And I will admit that this is my fault.
Please don't place all of the blame on her.
She may be guilty, but so am I.
2 out of the 3 problems were caused by my impulses.
I can handle 66.7% of the blame and consequences.
I can do that.
You can hate me if you want.
You tell me you don't want to talk to her anymore.
I tell you I respect your decision and that I will be here if you need me.
I am sorry.
I know I screwed up our friendship, and I wish I could take it all back.
I wish you could remember me as the innocent songwriter who held out arms of comfort instead of words of contradiction.
I am terrible.
And you don't need me.
But if your heart finds enough forgiveness to see past this.
I will give you a way out.
And if you choose not to take it.
Then maybe you believe that I am worth taking back.
That our friendship is worth fixing.
So tell me:
If I am worth that much...
Are you okay with the idea of starting over?
Because I want to make this better.
You don't have to be around me if you don't want to.
But if I can start over.
I will live through my life thankful that I got a second chance at all.
To the girl I wrote the song for:
I shouldn't have said what I did over the February break. Sometimes too much truth is just as deadly as one lie. And maybe that's what shot your silence across the ocean.
Even though you told me I shouldn't be sorry for the way I did things, I will continue to to apologize for everything I did. And if I have one request for your next decision, I can only hope that you don't hate me.
Because I can't forgive myself for what happened.
To the girl who watches TV with me:
My impulsive behaviour on that March night was my fault.
I knew what I was doing, I knew people would get hurt, and I did it anyway.
I will admit, the rush was not the worst thing in the world. But it came with too many consequences.
So please, with every episode of a TV show that we both enjoy, just remember that we will never be what we were.
...And I will never let you be sorry.
To my brother:
You were the first person to find out what happened and I asked you to keep me safe by keeping my secrets in your chest. I prayed you wouldn't let the words fall from your heart, I begged you not to tell our parents.
I shouldn't have put that kind of weight on your conscience.
To my parents:
Telling you what happened was the hardest thing for me to do. But I can only hope that I haven't lost all of your trust because of what happened.
To the bodyguard:
Actually.... you are the person I really don't want to apologize to. But I am still sorry.
Mostly for my actions and because what I did hurts the person you love most, and that I can accept that as my fault. I know somewhere in your soul, you hate me. And that's something you and I have in common.
But I can live with you never forgiving me. Because you are just here to protect the people you love. And I am sorry I threatened your comfortable life. I didn't plan on hurting anyone... but I did.
Just promise me this:
Be good to her.
Because if you don't do that...
Then what the hell are you doing?
I cannot be sorry for you.
I can promise you that these next few days will be some of the most painful. And to a point, I am too much of a masochist to care. You will want to punch brick walls and bleed for your mistakes. You will want a perfect stranger to beat you close to death and walk away like it's no big deal.
You will want to apologize every single day until you blow out your vocal chords. You will want to suffer.
But you will not cry.
You will believe that crying is not worth it.
You will choose to be silent, you will choose to become numb to all of your pain. And I will not be sorry for you.
I will never be sorry for you.
But I will tell you that you are not going to feel this forever.
So do me a favour and walk.
Walk with your regrets and live on.
Work for your trust back, and maybe then you'll have a chance to start over.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Why does it hurt when you say goodbye? Why do I wanna beg you to stay? Why am I now sitting here on the verge of tears because I feel like I've lost you? Why did it ever have to be this way?
Standing at a cross roads with my heart torn in two. Feeling each side pulling yet pushing me away. Falling to the ground and feeling hopeless and lost. No matter how many times I ask, they won't give me the answers.
It'll never be the same. That's what I keep saying to myself. Does it make it easier? No. Does it have to be this way? Apparently so. Saying "I'm sorry" just isn't enough...
For just about everything that I do
I hide everything with a smile
And yet that smile never works
So I don't know why I do it
That my insecurities control me
And I tell you to stop
Everytime you try to say I'm beautiful
You don't understand
It's not for attention
Or more compliments
It's just that I don't like to hear what I honestly feel is a god damn lie
For squeezing your hand tighter when I see a goddess walk by
Hoping that you won't let go of me
Hoping that her curvy figure and winning smile won't distract you
You tells me a thousand times to never worry
But in my past it feels like it's happened a thousand times
And I just don't want it to happen once more
For staying silent when you beg for me to stop smoking
For having three or four while you're gone
Instead of trying to quit
You told me it's gonna harm me
But maybe that's what i want
And again I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I'm damaged
I'm sorry that I try to hide everything I'm feeling
Instead of talking to you about it like you'd want to
I'm sorry that I forgot to love myself before getting you into this mess
And all I have left now is I'm sorry
I'm sorry for saying sorry.
I know you hate when I apologize.
if earning your trust back required a personal statement from me
and i was seeking admission back into the corner of your sofa of which you sat opposite me
and all i had was 250 words to make you feel something again
i'd say things like i fucked up (but maybe in more academic language??)
and i've been working hard to better for myself, and better for you
and that you taught me things i couldn't learn in a university
love would be in there more times than necessary, but i wouldn't let anyone edit them out because it's true
i love you, and i don't want to be limited,
even though the first time i cut myself off
and i dropped out
and i lost you
i hate word counts because they're just not enough
so i hope these words count
Oh dear oh dear what did I do?
Never did I want to hurt you.
But why oh why must you lock me outside?
Please let me in and I'll give up my pride.
I'll say it loud and I'll say it true.
I'm sorry for what ever I did to you.
But please don't leave me in the dark.
Please let me know where I left a mark.
It feels lonely not to know.
To want the love I used to own.
But I guess I only reap what I sow,
so maybe I deserve to be all alone.