during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
******
I always had this certain
contentment-
I wouldn't call it
happiness-
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade-
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror-
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

We are consciousness, and only consciousness.

The consciousness that is somehow bound to the body, is conscious of everything.

Thoughts are like people moving around in the market place. Thoughts are everywhere and when we give our attention to thoughts, when our consciousness looks at thoughts, which are everywhere to be seen, which are all around us, we experience thinking.

It is very important that we understand that we are consciousness and only consiousness.

This way we can free ourselves from the prison that we are in but yet don't know we are in. Humanity is enslaved thanks to the mind. Not just because the mind exists, but because of the believes that we carry in the mind, which are believes that keep us limited. We believe things that are not truly true, and this keeps us in a kind of prison.

When we are born in a body, we are free and we are just consciousness, purely conscious.

As we grow, all the information that is already here in the world is ingested into our mind. As we continue to grow, and as all this information continues to grow in our mind, we start to forget that we are just pure consciousness. By the time we are teenagers, and by the time we start to become adults, we have totally forgotten that we are just consciousness and we live our lives in a little box because we limit ourselves with the believes that are inevitably conditioned upon us. We believe that we are this body and we are not this body. When i say we, i am talking about the consciousness, the pure consciousness.

And the problem is not only that we believe we are this body, but we grow the habit to think compulsively.

Anything in this world can become a habit, and for the mayority of humanity , thinking has become a habit.

So what happens?
The pure consciousness that you are is never pure, is never silent, is never fully conscious because first of all, we are taught to believe that we are the body-mind, and second of all, we grow the habit to always think by always having to judge ourselves to see if what  we are doing is right or wrong, to see if we are to be punished or if we are to be rewarded. And this supports and strengthens the believe that we are the thinker, that we are the body.

When we don't allow spaces of no-thought, of no-thinking, we forget that we are an empty sky.  

My effort on leaving behind all these words is to wake up as many people as possible.

People are missing a great opportunity.

People stay living in a little room when they can be living in a huge palace.

All that has to do be done is to find a little distance between thoughts, between feelings, between everything and always remain a watching presence. Now, we are always this watching presence, we are always consciousness even if we are unconscious about it. Even if we are unconscious about the fact that we are consciousness , we remain consciousness. For example, all animals are consciousness, they are awareness, but they are unaware of this. Their body limits them because it lacks intelligence. They are not fully and totally free and they can not be either. But at the same time they don't have to be. By nature they  don't have to be intelligent, they are fine just how they are and they are in the process of one day becoming conscious like we are, like the humans are. Still, there are many humans who remain unconscious of the fact that they are consciousness and only consciousness. Without shape, without form. Just consciousness, awareness, everywhere. This whole universe is consciousness and when this consciousness is merged to a body, the body is simply a contact point of the consciousness.

At some point, when the body of a baby is being developed in the mothers womb, a little spec of consciousness enters and binds to the body of the baby and this happens because through the human body, through a human experience, the consciousness is capable of becoming aware of itself and this realization is possible in any one life time, in any one human experience. But, it has not been so. It has taken many many life-times and many many people have not yet realized this. People can't even believe that they had a life before this life and that they can have a life after this life as well. People can't even conceive this. But it is true. People have been going life after life, obviously and naturally not remembering the past life, but going life after life not going beyond life. Not going beyond the human or atleast not even understanding, discovering, learning , what life is, what the human is. People remain ignorant and afraid because of the conditioning that they receive.

All conditions prevent the being from trascending their lives and consciousness because in our true nature we are totally unconditioned- free-beings. Any condition that is imposed on us goes against our very nature and anything that goes against nature is bound to have problems.  

And so my reason for saying these things that i have discovered to be true in me, is to help people remember or to atleast give people a new idea that there is the possibility of something more, of something greater than life, something with no limitations, something with no death, something that can not get sick, that can not feel pain, something of pure joy and peace , of pure love.

Every single human being is searching for this something, every single human being is searching for themselves. And they are searching because they remember. They have been themselves before. They are themselves right now. They are consciousness right now, but there are so many things in the mind that they forgot and they dont know. And when they hear something that is true, when something is said that points to that consciousness, automatically something is felt inside, something is triggered.

This whole search for truth or for enlightenment is a search for our own selfs.

It is a remembering process that happens.

Go into this search as empty as possible.

The less conditions you carry , the less knowledge you carry, the more simple and humble you are, the easier it is to remember who you are, because it does not take knowledge to know that you are consciousness, that you are awareness, it simply takes consciousness and awareness.

So it is important to be aware of everything, of every single thought that comes in and out. Be aware of the believes that you believe and the believes that you don't believe.

I don't know if there are people who for some reason are not ready to awaken, even though they can, even though every single human being can awaken, but,  there are people who have put too much into their believes, too much faith, and who can not even concieve the idea of dropping these believes, these investments. Now, the funny thing is, that even all these people who are unaware, are consciousness themselves. And it makes sense that these people who are unconscious , are here in the world so that other people can wake up, so that other people can learn from them, so that other people can see their unconsciousness, can see their behaviors, and use them towards their journey, towards their enlightenment, towards their shift of consciousness.  

"We are itself the consciousness presenting itself as human nature" - Mooji.

We , the consciousness, invisible consciousness that can not be seen nor touched, which one day was before Earth was created, that consciousness that is everywhere like space, over time has manifested itself in the world of form, in the world of matter and eventually through the movement of what appears to be time, manifested itself as a human being.

It is an invisible yet conscious phenomena that has managed to make a form out of atoms and elements, managed to make a form out of itself, out of elements of itself, and managed to create the world that we can see today. And seeing the vastness of the universe, we can see the many possibilities that exist, the many possibilities of consciousness to keep growing, to keep creating, to keep expanding, to keep evolving.  

One day i am not going to be able to express myself through Esteban, yet i will be expressing myself through other bodies, with other names. And i have been expressing myself through other bodies also, like for example one of my favorite man, Osho, Bhagwan. Osho is I. Osho is the same consciousness that is in Esteban, expressing. Now, we look different in the outside, our voices are different, our accents are different, but it is the same consciousness trying to express the same thing. Once we know that we are this limitless consciousness, we can start focusing on creating things. But right now what is important is that everybody realizes that we are this consciousness, because if not everybody knows this, then we can not create, we can not work to our full potential. Once we know who we are, once we know WHAT we are, we will know exactly what we have to do, what we can do, and we would do it with a quality that has not existed before. A quality of super consciousness, a godly quality. So before we focus on the outside world we have to focus on the inside world first. Before we can create beauty outside we have to create beauty inside, because the outside world is a reflection of the inside world.

If the inside world is not pure, is not balanced, then the outside world will not be pure, will not be balanced.

If inside of us there is tension, anxiety, fear, hate, anger, violence; this is what will be expressed outside of us. If inside of us there is love, wisdom, peace, joy, beauty; then outside of us there will be all of this as-well.

The problem is not whether we are thinking negatively or positively, the problem is that we are thinking unconsciously.

That we think negative or positive thoughts does not matter as long as we know that we are thinking. And not because we are the thinker but because thoughts are passing through the mind and here the consciousness that we are , "thinks". But it does not think as in it is doing something, it simply sees the thoughts. The consciousness does not even move, does not even blink, does not have eyes like these eyes. The consciousness just is, and the consciousness sees thoughts moving, occuring.

The problem is not that the consciousness is seeing negative thoughts, the problem is that if the consciousness is seeing negative thoughts, it believes the negative thoughts.

You forget that you are the awareness that watches thoughts, totally separate from the thoughts.

You are simply giving attention to the thoughts.

Like i said before, thoughts are moving all around you. You can not see or grab them because they are so subtle in their manifestation, yet they ARE energy in movement, they exist but in different frequencies of existence. And they are everywhere.

When we experience thoughts, what ever category of thoughts, it is because we are giving our attention to those thoughts. Every single thought is available to us. The mind is not just your mind, my mind; The mind is one universal facility, available to all.

And so, the problem is not that you are thinking negativily.

The problem is that you are thinking unconsciously.

Become more conscious of your thinking. Become conscious of thoughts. If the thoughts are negative, watch them. If the thoughts are positive, watch them. But don't judge them as negative or positive, dont judge the thinking. If negative thoughts are percieved, don't start saying to yourself  "oh why am im always thinking negatively? ;( " because this IS another thought and you are not watching it. Usually THIS is the thought that is not watched.

You watch a thought, for example, you watch a negative thought. This negative thought brings out negative emotions because thoughts are the cause of emotions. Emotions are energies-in-motion. You watch your thinking, you watch the negative thought and then you say, "oh this thought is bad, why am i thinking these thoughts? I should not be thinking this way, what is wrong with me?" that right there is a thought also and you are thinking, believing, that it is you!

Any judgement is a form of thought.

Anything that consists of words or symbols and even images are thoughts. It is all mind and the problem is that there are thoughts that are not being watched, observed, and this is keeping you unconscious and troubled.

There are many thoughts that we are not aware of.

For example, we watch a negative thought , we percieve a negative thought, but then the next thought that talks about that negative thought, we don't see because we think, believe, that we are the one who talks instead of remaining the watching consciousness that we are.

We are not the one who talks because we don't even have a mouth to talk through. We are simply and only consciousness. We use the human body as an instrument to talk and express ourselves but we remain the conscious awareness.

Those thoughts that are not being watched are keeping us from going deeper into life.

These unobserved thoughts are keeping us traped in the mind.

So if you ever ask yourself the question, what is life?
What is my purpose in life?
What should i do?
What should i not do?
If you are not out of the mind, you will not get the true answer because the mind is limited to these questions.

The mind will only give you that which has already been given. It will not give you originality.

Simply try this out:

When ever you are experiencing thinking, let the thoughts be, don't judge them as negative or positive thoughts, as good or bad thoughts, just watch them. If you do judge them and you say "*** why am i thinking that?! " watch that, watch that judgement. Keep watching, just simply watching, purely aware of every single thought, keep watching and you will start to feel a distance, a silence, a space.

See how long you can go from thought to no-thought to thought.
See how long you can remain in a silent gap between thoughts.
Watch your thoughts, watch your thinking and see how the watchingness slowly expands.
See how the silent gaps become longer.
And see the peace that these silent gaps bring.

It tastes sour in my skin
The water diverts his eyes upon the curves
I rub them with my fingernails
The tips cried for disturbance.

The pebbled stones in purity
Spit out their dirt with every moist
The need to exhale the longing days
The desolation of their own race.

It stinks with the cover of my skin
No vinegar to pour on the occuring reds
No tablet nor capsule to jive the tummy
There, I'll groove with the ratio of water.

I left the leaves on the dirt
And yes, those gravel and mated things in the sack
Alone am I, here in my own nest
Watching the faded stars and grasping the air.

Neither can I reach the ultimatum
The shutters in me were all aware and trained
The body in rest be put in silence
For the war of itch diverts the angle.

(6/13/14 @xirlleelang)

The splendour of glory,
Stretched beauty
Across the universe
That none could reverse.
Naturally occuring lights that leave any human mind in awe,
They're called auroras;that's not all..
Big is beautiful!when you take a look at these huge sights of divinity,
So gigantic they look like they've existed for infinity,
Located in Asia is the mount Everest,
King of the forest.
And in America;the Grand Canyon,
So grand I'd spell it in lights of neon.
The great barrier reef found in the Coral sea of Australias north eastern coast is so beautiful,
Naturally created by living organisms,its so beyond cool
More like the view of the Rio De Janeiro Harbour,
Another great sight to remember.
Talk of  the beautiful,ever flowing and rainbowed Victoria falls,
How to fully describe it,only God knows,
Its location has brought its proud owners Zambia and Zimbabwe to unification,
Indeed its a great destination.
Sometimes flamey and always beautiful is the Paricutin a cinder cone volcano,
Located in Mexico.
As beautiful as they all are,
You're a better star
In the eyes of our creator.

This is the kind of note I hope you all have an addition to..

I think I've come to a realization. Just watched "waking Life" for the first time the other day and I've ALWAYS been super curious about dreams. The many discussions with my roommate Jenay Breden the many talks on deja vu with Ben Masters, and many others, I am open with dreams and like i said very curious and good at asking questions (To me it is kind of wrong because I feel dreams tell A LOT about people so I am getting all this information from someone and they think they are jsut telling me a silly dream that means nothing.) A dream is an opening into your soul and psyche. Its very personal yet can be profoundly universal.. Anyway, I had a strange dream last night: (haha though all dreams are strange)
but the premis of it was a personal moral I feel I had to overcome at this moment in time..

not all dreams are the same, it might not be a moral, but the conquering of a long journey. For example I've had many a re-occuring dream where I would be on a quest and every time I have not completed it but the next time I dremt it I got further. Till one night I will complete it, then not have the dream again..

about half my dreams are scary on all sides of spectrum, from having family in danger, to other dark things.. to monsters, to death, running from someone/thing, to real-life-stuff to not-so-real-stuff, to parkouring in a mansion while my friends and I throw random objects at each other (i know.. what? haha).
Random dreams about things I desire, or fullfilment of life goals (one time I wrote a song on the piano in my dream) or the dream I had about swinging on the vines in the jungle before my bday.
Such as adventure dreams: flying is a huge thing i do in my dreams that I savor each moment of. A very-young-me dream was I was a sto-away on a pirate ship, but it was fun to travel through the maze of hidden spots..
Or maybe other dreams that aren't so much scary, but things I fear happening. Like a boyfriend cheating, or losing money. I mean, we all have these dreams.
My girl Ashleigh was telling me how her and her boy, had a similar dream the same night.
I see random people I know, and people I don't know.. yet
Such as deja vu. Ever since I had the theory a couple years about deja vu being a dream you once had, I have only encountered moments that attest to this.
Almost every deja vu Ive had I remember it being from a dream.. How can your mind know what is going to happen in the future?
We all might have heard that our mind and the universe are one. In many ways you know. examples: positive and negative affirmations, how the way we think spans subconsciously to others (when you're thinking of someone and they all of a sudden call or text you), we are all connected, etc
SO, if the universe IS our mind (and our souls are connected to this unvierse, to each other) and the universe has no time, because how can you put a tangible definition to something intangible, (i also got that from reading "universe in a nutshell" by Sir Steven Hawking).. then the universe/your mind, already knows the many paths your physical self can take in future, past, and present.
But WHY then (always my question:WHY), why then would it want to show you this glimpse into 'the future'...?
I will leave with a lucid dream I had one night:
a re-occuring place in my dreams I've noticed is a housing complex that is many stories tall where many people of many different ages and ethnicities live.
In this particular dream we are being chased not by zombies or aliens but a mix of the two, they look like the creatures from 'I Am Legend'.
I first noticed I was 'just in a dream' when one of them was chasing me up a flight of stairs and i fell, on my **** hands and legs scrambling up I saw it come for me and kept telling myself to 'wake up wake up!' and i might have for a second or two but then right back to sleep. When i realized there was no way out of this and that it was: 'MY dream, i could do what i wanted with what I had' (sound familiar to one's waking life? hmmm) before this whole moment I had run out of amo and had no gun so was at a lose to be easy prey. I was in the basement with everyone else of the house or others who had run in for shelter, and the beings were on their way downstairs. All of a sudden I thought 'there is a gun on the person in front of you and it is loaded' i grab the gun and with excitement but uncertainty I shot at the beings, and sure enough, they one by one fell down. WE were all, now, safe. Then it cut to a scene that we were all at a bar dancing and celebrating. haha
I am excited that i have lucid dreamed before but its not like once you do it from then on you are capable of it, it is very rare for me to lucidly dream, but still very exciting.

Please Please coment and tell me ANYTHING relatable to this. your dream, your thoughts, your theories, your deja vu, your disagreements.. I am very intrigued. I would create a blog somewhere but have no idea where to start, so i started here..
I tagged people I know and love and people i've noticed who have also taken interest on any subject I've mentioned.
Sorry for anyone I missed but please feel free to comment anyways if you see this and are not tagged

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he was forty but lied about his age,
told everyone he looked young for his age,
and still shopped at hot topic

he is in late forties now, still thinks he looks young,
and still shops at hot topic

he buys the same stuff that people were buying
in the 80's before hot topic existed

he describes himself as having such a brilliant mind that he is easily bored with people. he is an intj, so this means that he knows everything. he is very intelligent according to the re-occuring craigslist misc. romance ads he has been posting for the last decade.

when he gets inspired, he updates his fetlife profile
(or his ok cupid profile)

i met him when i was too alone, but not numb enough yet
he kept on telling me that depressed people were really just narcissists who couldn't stop thinking about themselves

i couldn't tolerate him, but had nothing else to do, so i had to be drunk and ****** at all times in his presence and i don't drink very often
prior to that i was only a weekend stoner,
but that changed real quick

he made himself too comfortable
and bought me a bob dobbs book for my birthday
because he thought and still thinks bob dobbs is hilarious

he kept on using my bathroom for long periods of time
and bringing the bob dobbs book in with him every time

i told him he could keep the bob dobbs book
but he said, "no, it's more the kind of book that i want to read when i come over and use your bathroom"
so i swallowed the throw up in my mouth, asked him to leave, threw the book away, and never had anything to do with him after that.

shortly thereafter, he started diagnosing me and every other woman who is not attracted to him as having borderline personality disorder via craigslist missed connections and/or his fetlife profile (which i still read for laughs).

then he broke into my apartment through the back door the night before he got married to a woman who needed a green card. i'm not sure why he did that, i'll never know. he broke the door, so it wouldn't shut properly anymore and i smashed my fingers in it once while trying to shut it. my fingernails fell off.

and this is why i have been celibate for the last 7 and half years.

In this battlefield,
Again,
Against my running out of time body
Against me
Am i defeated?

In this battlefield
Where my bullets are chemical
And my armour is my will
I tried to cover-up this bigger-by-the-minute sinking hole
That has devour on my times
And my sins,

In this battlefield of re-occuring,
It seems i am all a lone-ranger,
In this battlefield of happening inside my body,
It seems i am weakened by the toxic
Of negativity and hatred that grows beside me

In this battlefield
I don't know if i will win
But i will try to convince
Myself
That you are what you need
And thus
I pleaded to the universe rain me with your majestic positivity and light me through the dark night unseen
Away from this sickening battlefield.

The world changes around me but not as I sit perched,collecting memories and organizing them in my thoughts that sprout up through cracks as would a **** in concrete. A dandelion. Not you, a rose, like in Tupac's poem. And i digress because thats what I do more often than not. We speak of our impressionist dreams that are just alike, but not yet realized. Not a one. Well one or two but that's it. And that's only a tip of an iceberg. Which is us in danger of melting like the rest of the revolutionaries along with all the changes occuring around us. Will our love change right along with us  and everything else? how will it be to be forty and married? Would we be content? would you go search for him? If you found god would you be done with me. Would you declare me a heretic if I didn't go to church and let jesus live inside me along with the rest of my collectibles. If you found god, would I pretend to have as well so as to not lose you. Hopefully, and isn't that all we are, a sack full of fast foods, hope and regrets. Nothing will go south or sour! We can't let it! Our love will survive all the ******, gods, alcohol, ******, alleys, concrete basketball courts, blacks in the ghetto, american presidents, economic revolutions, rapists, murderers, taxes, mortgages and regime changes. My tongue, along with my eyes, along with my lips, along with my fingers, along with my hair, along with my hair,along with my grey matter, along with my heart, does truly believe we will love longer, harder, deeper, truer and out last, out live, out happy, out joy, out defeat, out wit everyone. I told the elders we don't bother to pray. But we dream very well and not in the real world, not in their world, but in our world. The one we created for ourselves to fly in and out of rain clouds and swim in black water thats flooded on the inside of parking garages. I want to tell you things in a way that can convey myself and still be understood fully. I'm not sure if it is possible to get a ride, convey,write or paint my mind, my soul, my heart properly enough. but if anyone could ever understand my sore joints, and dances with death,it'd be you right? Because we are the same. we have been drinking from the same cup. and been dealt the same ****** hand but at different games. you are the lotus on your wrist and I am the owl in my throat and it means everything yet nothing to everyone else's big scheme. and still everything to ours. you are the only one here who understands why I think rain puddles with oil in them are beautiful.

The beauty of youth will forever belong at your side, and therefore it will stay
Even after the hairs upon each of our heads begin to glow like a white halo ray
After it has turned from the fairest of golds to whispy alabaster whites and greys
Never shall youthful beauty whisper farewell to us on any occuring days

Even after long are gone the glorious days in the past and time we have spent
Now filled with the sad longing, with hurting glances, in which is called resentement;
These are from the multitude of wrinkles; of which to gain we never meant
But still; the beauty of youth weeds out those feelings, helping us to repent

The thinning upon our heads? Remind us of the days we were conspicuously snooty
Because those were the fruitful times in which we were often called a "natural beauty"
Noses in the air because we thought being beautiful was our righteous duty
Only now the surface of our faces have been wrinkled and bleached like an old dried abalone

The bounties of our short timed youth, have long been washed away with the waves of time
But that allows us to remember; and rejoice at every steep mountainous climb
Through smiles and laughs; and the misshaps in which we were thoroughly covered in grime
The beauty of youth resonates through every memory even when it tries to be sublime

The richest of light is not from youthful beauty; but forever it will always be lit and cast
The light from the joyful sound of chirping birds; and the tirelessness of laughs,
Of the mindless days we spend vainly dreaming, stepping off our "to be discovered" paths
With the hopes of regaining our once beauty filled and profitable youthful pasts
(Those are the very brightest, of every youthful light)

what makes bubbles fail?
the men like to fell
and show themselves honor and they are dis illegal
i love you

said to her
she believes
she gives him hers

he vanishes
the women does
i love you

he believes
she steals and takes
what she demands

she vanishes

people say we are heroes
we will give hand to every weakness
when this asks

they polish it off
and they will be off
bubbles will be downed

downed and not be ever up
tear of orphan girl is downed
planting tree of sad over

up, up till the sky ceiling
it ascends water of answering over heads
making the justice occuring

if every one gives hand
the things will not be bad
and the weather will not be sad

Effort put forward
Insecurity
Halts progress

Heart rate rises
Then falls

Longing and desire
Ever present

The divide
Between yearning
And attaining

The outcome
Neither right
Nor wrong

The effort
Turns effortlessly tedious

Night against day
Syncronicity within opposition

Occuring frequently
To impress no one

Not even her.

Whats fear?
Me feeling your hand in my hand,
Hearing footsteps comming up the stairs,
The relaxation of drifting asleep to your heartbeat and breath,
Just to give birth to my vision, looking in your eyes and seeing the glazed glare,
The songs i hear you sing in the shower,
The scent of you and how it lingers for hours,
How i suddenly miss a flannel,
How when i leave the television and come back, it's on your favorite channel,
How i see your shillloutes on my wall and hear your whispers in my ear,
Fear is all of this occuring but comming to the realization that you arent here. Losing you is what i fear.

- Beau

Fighting to get away from sleep,
suffocating,
I woke up.
Not quite together-
my mind wasn't sure what it was doing,
Only half aware of the blade that traced your initials on my wrists.

I stumbled
and roamed the house
staining the carpets with blood
eventually collapsing at the foot
of my parents bed, falling asleep once again.
When my Mother found me
she was scared and confused.

This dream was different to the re-occuring dream
i usually have.
Instead of watching the usual dream
of you taking your own life;
instead of seeing your face,
one i had known and loved my whole life,
morph into an unfamiliar being...
I had murdered you.

Sue walks in where you work
Whispers and looks not understood
Comes to see you as usual
As you are married to her

A week or so later Sue meets a new person working with you
Funny the woman looks like her
Still odd looks from people when she drops in
One day it hits her

You ****** her look alike
Only difference is she is 20 years younger
Worse than that she is a baby compared to You
Someone at worked clued poor Sue in

Everyone saw You together everyday at a lunch
Breaks, little brushups in the cooler
Married but that doesn't matter
As long as your **** is spewing twice a day

Come home expecting wifely duties
Don't touch her she screams
You offer Your most charming seduction
Fully expecting to not be turned down

Sue confronts the girl
She is but a child
Asks her if she has any morals at all
Of course she is sorry, it wasn't meant to happen

Your ***** is all you give a **** about
Not the child of Sue's ***** fathered by you
She is hurt far more than any
Teased at school

You dare ask why that is occuring
Your little ***** attends her schools church
As does her family
Does that matter to you?

You got your little **** wet
Now all you see is paradise
Not realizing the damage You have left behind

All the lives affected
Because of Your infidelity
You don't get it do you?

Your wife, daughter, her family, your family
There is more damage being done
Just so You can get ******
Enjoy Your life

You will be miserable in the end
Just don't look for any sympathy
When you find out what you lost
It won't be here then so don't bother

I'd never seen her so beautiful,
the color of life now covering her once ivory complexion.
The heart that once beat is now stagnant and black.
This thing in my hand, locked and loaded;
the shiniest gunmetal I've seen in a while.
Her only solitary life now gushing from her head.

Why did I take her life you ask?
It was those eyes...those godforsaken white, sightless eyes!
They never saw anything I am or ever will be.
All I ever wanted was for her to see!!
I've wanted to gouge them out since the day our two
lives became a single, cohesive one.

But it was those eyes that drove me to this.
Never had she seen my face.
Why is this just now occuring to me?
Yes, of course I loved her.
Mad? Why would you say that?

What is a madman? Me? A madman?
Preposterous!! What is a madman?
Certainly not in comparison to me.
I am the spitting image of true sanity...
Or am I?

I see no wrong doing in my actions.
I was simply doing her a favor...
Though, I probably should've been more humane
with the child she was carrying...

My child! My own flesh and blood!! Gone forever!
But it was for the good of both of them I presume...
There was a good chance my son would've been blind.

...My son!! My baby boy!!! How tragic a day this is!
Well, there wasn't any stipulation to 'Till death do us part'.
There wasn't any specification on how it was to happen.

I look to the gunmetal again.
It is to blame for this tragedy...
I hold the faithful steel grey to the side of my head
and look to my deceased spouse and unborn child.

Finally, I give the gun one final squeeze goodbye...

Like I didn't know
but I misunderstood
the voice in the phone
I thought you were good

A word coming out of your mouth
it pierces my heart
Nothing I can soothe
it makes everything fall apart

All I can ask is why
why you take all your preverse problems out on me
You think I'll be fine
I think it's maybe I always look like him
or maybe I'll never be what you wanted me to be

When all your screams
echoe in my mind
The tiny line that bleeds
is always out of your sight

A word that can follow me around
Mad for no reason
Corrupted if raising my sound
You wear your worst season

All I can ask is why
Why the gold one others find is your personal sinner
Now I don't think I can shine
I think it's maybe I never looked like her
maybe she was always your protected little angel child

The unjustice occuring
right before your eyes
Your cruelty only touching
my hopes I can't find

A word that can make you forgiven
Emptied of them today
Just for you to fall back there again
My promises left away

All I can ask is why
why I'm the one you can't be there for
I just want to fly
I think it's maybe me not cut to what you dreamt of
maybe I'm not the follower of you

H C = C = O
...2
Ethenone.
Formal term for Ketene.
a Colorless gas at Standard Temperature &Pressure; with a sharp irritating odour,
Not much far closer,
from our love, meaningless at Social Technical Policy, boring like an unpaid decoder.
•• ••
O = C = O CO2
•• ••
I was wrong to would've apprehended of Hour Love as carbon dioxide ,
Naturally occuring in time, with two double bonded souls to a single heart.
S = <3 = S , in a lovical formular,
Soul = Heart = Soul.

Or did we undergo Mitosis?
Where we were processed and divided into a sequence of four phases..
Prophase our love appeared tenacious,
Metaphase we lined up portraying our sentiments in the middle of the terrestrial sphere
**** Walther Flemming for creating
Anaphase because that's when we split up
And Telophase made **** sure that we are sealed in different new terra firms

H ...H
...\ /
....O
H ...O - Water
...2
We were like
Water and Oxygen,
Without each other nothing was possible,
because without water we could die.

I Thought Love Was Science,
I think I was Right.

Sleep; an essential part of life--
a non-essential part of my night
I shall not travel to the land of slumber and
imagery that leave me to ponder and
decipher the undertone of my unconscious desires

Sleep, you will not store my memories tonight
You play as something illusory occuring past midnight
You vanquish the beginning of my day
and I fall victim of the bed to lay
for hours and hours when there is much to do,
much to ignore, and to fail to follow through

Sleep, I won't succumb to your relieving wiles
You interrupt my mind's process of files
and collages of information
Admittedly, you aid in the retention
of the aforementioned,
but I'd rather learn than burn away
precious time improving myself--
documenting my imbalanced mental health
or recreating art I wished I produced

Sleep, though I love the lucid dreams you induce,
sometimes they make me become more of a recluse
because I never want them to end,
so I stay alone to reenact and pretend that
for just a little while longer,
I can feel passion again

I've been desensitized in a chimerical fashion
I cannot endure this now so I'm commencing action
Sleep, I'm taking a break from your comatose spell
and the ephemeral dreams you compel

Nothing is wrong
Everything is perfectly fine
The mood has been set
But feels like there's a connivance

"IT" is happy
"IT" is satisfied
But she is not
And she is silently breaking inside

Then the song that made her cry plays in the background
Now a stir of emotions is occuring
Tears will fall but she's making them stop
Not now, not here, not for them to see

Looking for a secret place
A hidden room in the corner
Where nobody will ever see
These eyes that always pretend

She is always suspicious
Have they planned this before?
They gave her what she wanted
But took away what he had loved the most.

By: Cedric McClester

Every time I see you
You complain
If we talk about the weather
You mention the rain
You talk about the bad luck
That you've had
With you it's never good
It's always bad
And it's a habit
That I hope you'll kick
Like Sounds of Blackness
Be optimistic

Look to the sky
And hold your head up high
Time goes by so fast
Ya see this too will pass
So why pretend
The perdicament you're in
Is gonna last forever
Like things won't get no better

As a person thinketh
So are they
Only you can
Chase your blues away
Keep an open mind
Be positive
pessimists survive
But others live
There's no time
Like the present to begin
To give your life
A different kind of spin


Look to the sky
And hold your head up high
Time goes by so fast
Ya see this too will pass
So why pretend
The perdicament you're in
Is gonna last forever
Like things won't get no better

Changes are occuring
Everyday
Keep your head up
Wipe the tears away
You don't know
What tomorrow's gonna bring
That might give you joy
And make you sing


Look to the sky
And hold your head up high
Time goes by so fast
Ya see this too will pass
So why pretend
The perdicament you're in
Is gonna last forever
Like things won't get no better




Cedric McClester, Copyright (c) 2016.  All rights reserved.

Is each drop of water
as unique as a snowflake?
I like snowflakes better.
They don't shatter on impact.
They're colder and last longer.
They don't simply run down a drain,
they collect and flirt with each other.
Only occuring in certain parts of Earth.
Designed by God's fractal equations,
not a sad mundane teardrop shape.

poems that sound like the flow of a brook

don't occur to me.....


statico bursts of  hollow pain                        
my golden elm again
and again


music perhaps to those
not quite sane
?

why is this rhyme occuring....

Let's go back to when we met
Occuring long ago
Viewing you on the stage
Everything about you seemed so untouchable

Little did I know
Our paths would cross again
Voices we would exchange
Eventually leading to an undeniable connection

Liking every second of our conversations
Obtaining everything under the sun
Validating my admiration for you
Enjoying every laugh we shared

Loosing all interest in others
Only to be caught up in you
Vast feelings growing quickly
Everytime we met

Letting go of our fears
Outcomes uncertain
Varying from heartache to love
Explaining all of this to be a risk

Looking back, I'm glad we took it
Obeying our hearts
Veering from concern into security
Enjoying every memory of us

Living our lifes together now
Occupying our days with eachother
Very hopeful about the future
Excited by our possible trip into love

From among the mountains,
A road to climb beyond the heavens above, is starlit,
A bridge of stars connects the sky, where no darkening clouds even dare to reach this scenery, yet my vision is clouded, for I cannot grasp the events of what is occuring undearneath me,
If this earth were to shake I am sure I would be unaware of it,
Until I were to step down from this wondrous dream of an illusion without any pain or hardship, a mirage of a lifeless landscape,
Air so thin it takes your breath, silently, relentlessly,
Trees embrace the mountainside alike a span of green sleeves,
I am sure, the noise of life is what is embracing me once I am at the lowest point, as the scent of blooming flowers spreads throughout the land, though the sunshine might be taken away by the sky if I stay,
So I chose a life in isolation, taking my own voice to watch the prideful light of the morning glow warm my lonesome skin,
Unheard and unseen by anyone, only because of the fear;
That rainclouds could wash away what little happiness I fathom,
Yet, the price for such foolishness deemed itself too high,
As I lost vision, of what else is beautiful,
The cycle of life.

~ Umi

i didn't know
that the universe existed
right in the space between our lips
just before they meet
i didn't know
that gravity existed
in the moment right before we kiss
i didn't know
that i could hold so much words in my mind
but walk a straight line anyway
despite of the truth that there is
an apocalypse occuring inside my system
i didn't know
that people could make me feel
like i'm the world
just by telling me that i am
but through whispering into my lips
and through silent conversations
i didn't know
that certain parts of my mind existed
until you walked into it and lit up every corner
until you touched the walls of my skull
exactly like the way your lips traced my skin
i didn't know
that i could have the chance to live
to experience you
to cherish you
to love you
until today
and i swear to my favorite constellation
that it is a pivilege
to have experienced you
to have cherished you
to have loved you
among all the things i didn't know
i am sure of one thing
i know, and i am certain
that i love you
that i am loved
that good things exist because you do
that i can sometimes be the universe
because someone loves me like i am

If wishes were prayer

Saturday, January 28, 2023
12:06 PM

let me go wry or right, let me
be as one you witnessed falling,

and for that breath, believed,
wishes work as wonders do,
with very little help from things
thought truer.

I think of you, reading words I write,
I thrill a little at the intimate point of wedom,
the thoughts I fit to words, and sent into the
other
state, to wait, and wait, and become too tiny
to make any change not made,

at the time, when we touched as words do,
and held the hope that words hold.

Being as an event, we be apart, we be all one.

And we cannot unbecome.
----------------------

Inner being, being in me, other than I,
guide me, today.

I am willing to be useful, I do not have an aim,
I hold no hope of fame and recognosis,
I live to become a memory, at best,
and less than a memory, eventually.

I lie if I deny the joy I take from any sign, I see
you, thinking whys atop wherefores and how comes,

sudden otherness
occuring in a wedom framed by grand imaginations,

a new form of governing mankind, a new reason
to be defensive…

earnestly contending for pride of place, top of the pile.
------------------------

My Saturday, as all my days are now,
a day of rest,
a day of being after growing old enough, not, too;
but plenty old enough,
to reason with war,
face on face, as if, war
and I were forces of the same sort.

Ideas, grand wads of thought threads, spun
from times last chances,
grabbed with all I have to hold, huggishly,
for comforting knowledge,

I am not alone in wishing prayers were left being,
answered on reception, now, then, left being
alright. Amen.
-----------

It is in the thousands, tens of thousands, even,
Even, everish, same old, same
balanced on the upright,
walking,
past any hope to become one of those, the greats,

not even a billion to one, the odds of me becoming,
by the time I survived, the odds were even worse,
not a chance.

I bet, I said, I bet I won,
my race already run, by now, you know,
the results are pending
review,
and then I died,
and the results were these remaining
lines you take in,
as though you heard me talking, and thought
you might
over hear and know, all the songs of us, are about you.

The most self-centered man I ever met, said
my therapist to me, as I spun dervishly on my point.
------------------

Somber screams of embrace never felt, loud silence my only memory

                    Solitary by force of ignorance, living life through dreams

Needing is but a wish, occuring only by fantasy

                    ****** pleasures non-existent reality forfilled only by yourself

Lustful thoughts created by the mind that longs for them, never touched

                    Overdue affection decays in the chambers of your heart, fatal blockage

Bliss is stunning on me, yet its not made in my size...

I - In the active perspiring of
Manhattan dirt

& now I tell ya
The monkeys lost his surpreme gavel
& intimacy finds a false place
Within the youthful realm of transience
(the wide grove of
Grass slowly growing into golden cherries
To be picked apart and criticized by ones who'd gladly describe themselves as Angelic)

A ladder topples over a nightly bistro causing its windows
To ever /so //slight/ly crack
The owner & his two daughters take themselves

(along with his displeasement)
to the basement to conjure up a lawyer made of wax

Meanwhile Queens experiences rain as a cataclysmic shower occuring everywhere
Even the barred 1st floor apartments /

Nearby stabbings\

(74 people watching
  and the screams for help were audible nobody did a ******' thing. We call this the 'bystander effect')

I am long-awaited and less stressed in comparison to the last time I broke the barrier of clouds,
Which decieve America into thinking its
Worth only greyness
& worrying about bathroom Mirrors//srorriM//

(sorry!)

The cinema will show you otherwise!

Minnesota causeway glittering with
Luggage carriers
Alike we are and have been
Bundled together
To read poetics or the sad paper
About elephants in an empty zoo
or the flammatory lawns of Washington

WRAP YOUR TROUBLES
IN DREAMS
(audible from a brunette protected by last year's scarf, the cabin pressure decreasing
my ears feel full of eagerness)

Trunk of the elephant I read earlier
Lets us thru to Airport
The hollowed organics of this passage
Cause my spine to crawl
There are flies bespeckled like
The jewelry of decay

      But soon we are clean again
Yet still without a forest to
         Confess in
               Comforted by shrill wind echoing 'round the wood
              
(as one would say patience is a virtue)

II -   I have missed the first
Haze of every mornings gentle mouth

Strawberries press themselves harshly to lobes
Like oriental jazz
& a collective yawn
As the ground becomes
        nobody
        Wait! Look down there!
        It's my friend welcomed to wifehood!
              Ballads of a long time ago,
                   Humid run-ins with the twinkler
                   Performing a theatrical
                 Tearduct expression

Valleys of varying shades/
Orchards & the Apple of my eye
      Nectar and beggar
      Some Disney story Swiss town
      Operated by
      Language,
       I am tired which causes me to write
       I am writing which causes me to tire
       I am which writing causes to tire
       I which am writing tired causes to
       (the shoreline of a dream where
       Socialists wearing straw hats created a whole scene involving a loud child
       Unaware of what movement he was being indoctrinated into
       And a pocket full of change which was later tossed to the sea
       The image of which caused My Mother to
       Wake from her fainting)

Seance in voluptuous turmoil
Only confronted by
       A vision of the sky transitioned to earth
       & shadow dancing
       Accompanied with the sun,
        its last inkling of lemondrops
        Spread in buttery fashion to my personal
        Horizon
      __________

Fr­ee from(in the) the properties of
Textbooks and
Inflated intellectualism(vast pastoral landscapes)
One can
    Allow themselves to truly sleep in
    Peace
       (of the air)

Beautiful
Admired
Plucked
Killed

My heart is a rose.

   It is happy. As a rose when given to a loved one. It is sad. As a rose when rain falls on it at a funeral. It is wild. As a wild rose growing in a undiscovered meadow where deer fawn frolic.

   The rose began as a seed.
As I did. I was a newborn. Unaware of the events occuring around me. Knew little of the world around me.

   The rose grew into a bud.
As I did. I saw the light of the world. Began to understand. Began learning. The rain and hail that constantly fell upon me started to hurt me.

   The rose blossemed.
Now all of a sudden people notice me. Now is when I'm important. The damage I endured didn't matter. I am a young woman now. A little bit wiser but a little bit broken.

   The meadow unknown to man was found. The rose was picked. I was hurt for the last time. I start to shrivel and close. Not ready to be vulnerable. I hide the secrets within.

My heart is an ugly shrivled up black rose. Longing to be loved but afraid to reach out. Longing for a home but no way to get there. Unloved and forgotten.