I find the tragedies of people so heartbreaking. Addiction is misunderstood, and this has become my understanding.

I realize that this disease is not about drugs. Drugs are only a symptom of addiction or the "ism". Some people do drugs, while others collect things, suffer endlessly in painful relationships, others obsess over things they cannot control.

The real beginnings of many of our problems comes from far back in our lives starting with childhood and upbringing. We are told that we are expected to be a certain way and that we must follow the examples of others. Even though we should believe that adults that abuse us are wrong, we internalize it and find it to be our faults. “What did I do wrong? I shouldn't have done that. I must do better next time.” I have looked inside of myself and translated that this life terrorizing issue is hard to understand, yet simple.

We have a personality we have grown up with and created. An ego represented by coats of armor that we put on. We put on a new layer of armor each time we are hurt or learn a lesson. Eventually these suits of armor start to get so heavy, we cannot move, we cannot breathe. We try to walk around and be true to ourselves but our defenses make it nearly impossible. We only want people to see what we let them to and tell our true nature to shut up. We think our true selves aren't enough to be loved and isn't worth showing people. We become ashamed of what we actually are underneath. Our Egocentricity takes over and creates that facade we want people to see.

There are several walls we must break down in order to free ourselves of the thousands of layers of armor we put on over our lifetimes. We have the first wall: our personality we present to others. We must know it and see ourselves for what we actually are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful human being that is deserving of everything life has to offer. The second wall is the big brute who bullies you at any cost to keep himself alive: Self-hate. It is your greatest critic, your manipulator, and your source of evil. You must look at your self-hate as a black dog behind you that is always barking, looking for attention, undisciplined and untrained. Wild, vicious and dangerous, it will do anything to get what it wants from you and does not love you. It will beg and give you those puppy eyes, but it is always lying to get what it wants... In front of you is another dog. Your true self. It is a little puppy that has not been nurtured or given attention in a long time. This puppy does not bark, it does not cry. It just wants your unconditional love as it has for you.

You must not ignore the black dog behind you. It must be stared straight in the face and you must say NO. This is where the last wall and line of defense against your true nature and love for yourself hides: Fear. You are afraid that this desperate black dog will bite you when it doesn't get what it wants. It will bark so loud you cannot hear anything and you are afraid of being ripped apart and die if you do not give it what it needs. Yet, this dog has a hidden chain attached to it you have never seen or knew about before. It cannot get to you if you don't let it near you. You must make the deep and soul searching decision through great fear and with courage to never give this dog what it wants again...
Turn your eyes forward...

See the little puppy in front of you? It looks at you with those big eyes filled with the desire for you to love it and take care of it. That puppy is you... Don’t be afraid of the work it takes to raise that puppy, because it will grow up slowly yet surely and be your undying companion; always guiding you to the happiness you deserve. Give it some water, some food, your love and take it on walks.
This is you. This is your puppy. If you can learn to love this puppy and nurture it, you will have found you love yourself. When you can love yourself, you can then love another...
The suits of armor come off and you can finally move away from that black dog behind you forever. The love you found will flow into you. You will be able to live with freedom, unchained from your self-hate and fears. Nobody can say you are a bad person anymore. You have taken such good care of that puppy that you don’t need anybody's approval. Your own puppy is happy, and he loves you unconditionally. It is unconditional love for yourself.

Everybody has this armor on and everybody has different weights on their shoulders. It is up to you to decide when to break free. I will pray for you all in the mean time. Please pray for yourself and others.
And as you do, remember to love freely.

Internalize
Rationalize
Idolize
I can't sleep at night.

Have I sanded you in my memory?
Rubbing your rough edges down
to fit the hole left in me.

These memories can't maintain my constant invasions.
Can you put a lock on a mind?
Can you forget when he's all you can find?

Some equations can't be solved.

(                                                )
O             ­                         O

^^^

>>>>>>>                //// • ||                 <<<<<<<
<>        

/      (     (        \

################

she
                                           ( pure love )
is quite the thing                        

                                  ­         |||||

THOUGHTS ON BULLYING
~~~

( ---- like an epidemic
         Sweeping thru the culture

Especially amongst the YOUNG )

••                  

every act of disrespect

Every act of insensitivity

Of treating another as Alien

/:::/

Is actually an act of

SOCIAL TERRORISM

Which at the personal level
The one on one level

We call BULLYING

/:::/

Which we mistakenly limit to a recurrent but still
isolated incident ,

But / upon further reflection / we notice that these
incidents are often of a POLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE

In the same way that GANGS  ----- lawyer up ---- and enter
POLITICS and POLITICAL PARTIES

& POLITICAL PARTIES ( as GOVERNMENT )
take on all the characteristics of GANGS
as they start spying on and terrorizing
The population
and basically using their Power as a form of
PROTECTION RACKET

////

We too / internalize these tactics of Control /
and legitamatise them into SOCIAL NORMS
hence
BULLYING

( especially in the School System )

The Schools being where the kids turn into
Lab rats in a maze
and into
BRICKS IN THE WALL

//:://

This TERRORISM / BULLYING

as SOCIAL NORM

is primarily seen in that aspect of a child's life
Where the child is most sensitive

The EMOTIONAN LIFE
the ****** LIFE

••

First / thru the Media
The child is bombarded with
Images of Wanton ****** excess
And always within a commercial setting///

The body as COMMODITY
as PHYSICAL    OBJECT

///

One ATTAINS one of these OBJECTS

if one is  / WORTHY !
( has POWER )

meeting this object
And  KEEPING this object

Becomes a totally INDUCED PREOCCUPATION

and / as it is being played out in young minds /

It is a total MIND CONTROL OPERATION

Instilling IDEAS and ATTITUDES that will last
A lifetime

POLICAL ATTITUDES !

The acceptance of VIOLENCE at all levels
of experience

So early / and so deeply ingrained / that the VIOLENCE seems NORMAL

and then the child becomes dependent on GOVERNMENT
for protection

///////

now / let us look at ourselves thru

OUR OWN EYES !
the eyes of
OUR OWN POETRY

••

The subtlety of our BULLYING !

I LOVE YOU !
YOU HURT ME SO BAD
I AM FORCED TO HURT MYSELF !

This is so obviously simply BULLYING the other person into
doing what you want

I HATE YOU NOW !
AND I HATE YOUR NEW PARTNER !
MAY YOU BOTH GO TO HELL !

The hidden threat is obvious !

This is TERRORISM !

••

The main property of

TERRORISM / BULLYING

Is the way it induces CONFORMITY
into the society

Anyone who stands freely outside these INDUCED SOCIAL NORMS  is harshly labelled and ostracized

This of course begins in the schools ( as you must know )

Words like

FREAK / GEEK / NERD / LOSER / LONER
Etc

Abound // but it is the EMOTIONAL UNDERPINNINGS of these words which are used as a meals of legitimating VIOLENCE that we must notice

VIOLENCE against these OUTCASTS / REBELS become tolerated  by AUTHORITY  

and all Youth is divided
And INNOCENCE RENDERED IMPOTENT  

//

Now

I could go on and on
( and on )
And on  !

With examples

But we all have read ourselves !

///

So
I am just asking that we all examine ourselves
And ask

WHERE DO MY IDEAS ORIGINATE FROM ?

WHY

DO WE HURT EACH OTHER AND THUSLY
OURSELVES THIS WAY ?

Perhaps then
We will see who are friends should be

And who are enemies are

Do not write your secrets.
They can and will be used against you. Anything on paper your demons will find.
Although, demons aren’t always bad, some are just lost like you are.
You can learn a lot by simple questions. I have learned more about myself when is the presence of something darker than night than from anything else.
And for goodness sake don’t leave your words anywhere in plain sight.
You’re asking for trouble.
Or is that what you wanted?

Do not shout into the void.
No one will hear you, and even if they do they won’t come to save you.
You have to save yourself.
Find peace, even if it’s not the happy kind.
You will thank yourself. And for the record, get used to thanking yourself, you do a lot of great things without realizing it. You are your own worst enemy, but also your own best friend.
You live with yourself for a good long time, at least be someone you enjoy.

Do not internalize the pain someone else causes you.
Life is too short to be sorry you didn’t speak up.
If someone hurts you then say something because you will like yourself far better than if you did not say anything at all. Silence is the biggest regret one can have.
Thievery is the biggest sin, do not steal ones right to the truth.
No lie will be better than speaking your mind.

Also:

Do not listen to me,
I have done all these things. 

And I am still just as terrible as you are.