"internalize" poems
do not date a girl
who writes.
she will internalize
everything,
carve poems
into your eyelashes
instead of
kissing them,
she will analyze you,
calculate age
from the rings
your coffee cup
leaves
instead of refilling it.
she will memorize
the way your
lips curl around steam,
but not that you
take it
two sugars,
no cream.
she will read your
palm instead of
holding it
against her chest.
she will not
blink
when you leave,
because she is
already
romanticizing it.
Nov 26, 2014
Nov 26, 2014 at 11:13 PM UTC
Hold your breath
Count to three
Be Whoever you need to be
They can’t hear you
anyway
It’s not the time
internalize
Tip and slop like turpentine
Stick me on the fishing line
Cast it up
above my head
Thoughts glisten
I breathe dead
Weightless
Wakeless
Asleep at the wheel
begging and praying
Make me a deal
Finish me
Finish them
Don’t turn back and see
They’re crawling on the walls and beams
Still stuck there
A creepy christening
Tell me I won’t remember who
Who I was before
I met you
Jul 27, 2018
Jul 27, 2018 at 8:44 AM UTC
Start slow...
warming... up...and...below
forty five degrees
to the left...right...others go nineties...
some freeze...from locked knees
they don't mind...they'll recover
before the hour is over...
Detach self
from what
surrounds
but...still aware
connected...
agitation
soon to be lessened
eventually....calmed
Focus...
exercise
stabilize
synchronize
visualize
internalize
energize!
Endure!
An ant bites at the back of your ear
something's crawling on your tummy
beads of sweat, drop across your eyes,
or inside your ear...you feel the cold touch within
A bee, a wasp...sometimes, a fly
circles very near your face
makes your wall of
concentration, crumble
tempting you to lose count
of the movements
testing you...
if you might still stray...even
a step away...
if, to your weaknesses
you would still succumb
will you be distracted?
or stay focused?
Let eyes, and mind blink
One...two...three...quickly!
be grounded!
stay on the right track.....
Exercise!
...visualize....
... internalize.....
...never give up!
Sally
Copyright September 21, 2015
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
Sep 21, 2015
Sep 21, 2015 at 12:09 AM UTC
When I was younger
I liked to spin and spin
I would get dizzy and fall
and I would laugh
because things were good
and life was kind
When I was a little older
I liked to follow my brother around
I would get tired and fall
because no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't keep up
but things were good
and life was kind
The day I became a teenager
I began to internalize
and I would get dizzy and fall
because I was different
things were not good
but life was still kind
When I was a little older
I made peace with my struggles
I got light headed and cried
God made me different
but things were good
and life was kind
When I became an adult
I met my first love
We would kiss and I would fall
because I knew he would catch me
things were very good
and life was kind
When I was a little older
I made too many mistakes
I was so sorry but I didn't fall
because I had ruined his life
and mine
and there's nothing to be done
things got really bad
and life was not kind
Now the days go by
but things are different now
and when I think about it all
I get dizzy and I do fall
because not a day goes by
that I don't think of you
and how sorry I am
for the idiot I was
but life goes on
there's not too much I can do
the little that could
was done
and we've moved on
The day I'm a little older
I'm sure I will see you that day
and I will probably get dizzy and fall
but I hope enough time has passed
where we are able to smile
because things are good
and life is once again kind
Dec 19, 2013
Dec 19, 2013 at 9:49 PM UTC
I would've given birth
To you,
Endured whatever
Mothers do.
Instead, I did
What Dads do.
I rocked you
Til my future shook;
Watched you til
I couldn't look.
As you changed,
I changed too,
To do the things
That Dads do.
You were bathed,
Dressed and fed;
I loved you so much
I was saved.
If there's credit,
Well, I get it,
For teaching you to read.
I took the blame
When you got bored
With school's ABC's.
I followed you
In all your roles,
Your teams,
Your solos,
Your trips,
Your shows.
First to clap,
Last to sit;
I taped it all,
From start -
To finish.
I taught you
How to tie a lace,
Ride a bike,
Golf and skate.
When time arrived
For you to drive,
You learned
On standard,
Never stranded,
You came home alive.
Your highs
I took in stride,
By example taught
Humility's pride.
Your lows,
I couldn't internalize,
I dropped my guard
With my eyes.
When Dad's do well
It's a double edge,
The future wedge.
The world
Revealed
Desired you too.
I don't dismiss
What mothers do,
But when Dads do well,
Both lose you.
Sep 13, 2014
Sep 13, 2014 at 10:12 AM UTC
I analyze, my whole entire world
I specialize, always in acting a fool
I socialize, but the truth trickles through
I vocalize, not wanting to undo
I internalize, everything that matters to
With surprise the ones I love
I realize, they never left my side
Then I visualize. Always believing what is right.
Mar 26, 2013
Mar 26, 2013 at 3:11 AM UTC
There is a fight
It is internal
There is a plight
It is infernal
There is no light
In this ******
There are many things people callously say
Like I'm the last person they'd expect to be gay
Delivered like a compliment
Burning like a sulfur vent
I have to remember not to say thank you
To save someone some discomfort down the line
When it's easy to let these sentiments internalize
You'll see this in the homosexual community
They don't face the hatred with impunity
Some call themselves masculine
And blame their plight on the effeminate
But no matter what
They'll still be called degenerate
So the community internalizes marginalization
Though this prejudiced stop is no original station
You'd think your own kind would allow vacations
From the population of an uncaring nation
That will never grant us any veneration
Because of the nature of our ***********
Yet we **** ourselves for their placation
There is hatred within
This hatred imprint
When we fractionalize marginalized groups
Into the "good" ones and "bad" ones
We say the bad ones are the reasons the good ones must be hated
Whether they're cops or criminals
Christian or Muslim
Gay or straight
We find reasons to hate
When we live our life in the grime
Of the negativity we've internalized
Nov 24, 2017
Nov 24, 2017 at 10:59 AM UTC
this is a typical story
you see this amazingly cute guy and you like him
and you fell for him
like the blossom
from the cherry trees
he finally notices you and you're now together
it wasnt a normal boy
this one had the sunset in his eyes and you loved it
but little red flags popped up right away
and you saw it but failed to understand
internalize and do something about it
you didnt want to believe it
but now its all over cause there was someone else
i guess you were the side chick
how unwise of you to think you were the only flower in his garden
but oh baby he was digging up other roots
nobody can escape the prison of unfaithfulness
but infatuation never hurt so much
betrayal and deception is what he gave you
and it's dwelling in your heart
spreading faster than an epidemic
you wished you had saved yourself from the pain
but truth is we cant always be saved
sometimes we need to be in pain to know what makes us happy
so basically this is a ten word story:
you thought you mattered but you dont so move on
Apr 8, 2014
Apr 8, 2014 at 5:31 PM UTC
By the time,
I finish staring.
and take time to
visualize,
what you are wearing.
I internalize with my eyes,
your body language vocalize.
I focus, as I, verbalize, by
saying something nice
and polite -- on the outside.
But,
on the inside. . .
Dec 11, 2014
Dec 11, 2014 at 11:43 AM UTC
"Whenever you're stressed,
you internalize it to your gut"
my doctor told me.
My mother always said:
"You feel everything in your stomach."
And it all makes sense now,
How I got knots and twists,
when you said goodbye.
And how I got nauseous,
when I saw you holding her hand.
But if that's true,
why does my chest hurt so much?
Dec 12, 2014
Dec 12, 2014 at 4:08 PM UTC
Though excruciating,
I have delicately incised my heart
And left it open for you.
Blood and all.
I am completely defenseless,
Truly surrendering what is deepest within me.
All of me is on display,
And I am vulnerable, exposed.
Our environment, unsterile,
Makes me susceptible to infections:
Hate, judgment, abuse
That spread through the words and actions of others,
Attacking my system.
And, subconsciously, I internalize them,
Accepting them as my own.
But I trust you to care for me.
I believe with conviction, I must,
You have washed your hands
In preparation to touch my heart
With the gentleness I need
And cannot provide myself.
Because alone, I am unfixable,
Permanently damaged and slowly losing blood.
Dying behind my seemingly perfect demeanor,
A closed facade.
I trust that because I have exposed my pain
To you, solely you,
We can begin to repair the destruction
And stop the hemorrhaging,
Together.
Thereby providing the means by which
This earthly vessel, and in turn
The fragile soul inside,
Can finally begin to heal.
Jul 18, 2015
Jul 18, 2015 at 10:39 AM UTC
Self-inflicted,
internalize.
Don’t say a thing, just shut your eyes.
She doesn’t want to hear,
why you feel this way.
You grate on her nerves,
when you keep mentioning those things.
Cry in your pillow,
and internalize
whatever you are thinking.
It’s just in your mind.
Self-inflicted.
Internalize.
Dec 22, 2014
Dec 22, 2014 at 6:33 PM UTC
i am waking up
pushing my way through the plastic covering all of the ideas i was never supposed to touch
so many ideas
i am choosing to walk down halls with varied perspective mirrors
i stop at the ones that make me look fat
and don't believe the ones that reflect a flattering figure
i walk on
i observe
i internalize
i try to understand
why do i think the way that i do?
i was born
into a straightjacket
on the rungs of a one-way ladder
never saw that others might be scaling or ascending the same wall
with rope
sheer strength
the stairs
who am i to judge which way is better?
"the injuring of another can be in no case just."
(as long as it's not hurting anyone)
Mar 5, 2015
Mar 5, 2015 at 1:14 AM UTC
I wish I could write about balance
Yet it seems much is lost with me
Like the philosophy that used to define
Or the friends who used to get high
Yes, it seems I have aged for the worse
Becoming the very thing I fought against
The usual nine to five employee
Whose life revolves around a clock
Desperately waiting for the ringing bell
So that I might go home just to start over
"Can you help me with my homework?"
I'm a father now and having a purpose
Helps to cleanse the monotony
Yet, there is always that lingering thought
Who am I
Is this balance?
Or is balance lost?
The uncertainty is maddening as I return to the present
"Life is the geometric progression of experience"
It slips out and they want and explanation
"Please, Dad!"
I internalize my struggle
As I struggle to reconnect with my former philosopher
So I draw two dots for them
One is me now and one is me then
"Boys, this dot here is who your father was"
"This other dot is who he's become"
"Perhaps the value of the latter is less than its former"
"Maybe mathematics got it wrong and real value doesn't have a power"
"Or ratio to determine greatness"
"What if the father you know now is less than the man he was"
"Like that negative sign I find myself subtracting"
"Removing years and tears and time"
"In an attempt to find that simple balance"
"Possessed by a mind without a factor"
The boys look up to me as I hide my shame
They know men do not cry
"Its okay Dad, we love you for who you are now"
"You've become more than just a simple number"
"To us, you are the worlds greatest father"
There it is
I think to myself
I am found
The reason I continue through the pain
(Balance Regained)
Aug 1, 2018
Aug 1, 2018 at 10:25 AM UTC
**She’s not the sort that bares her soul
With tales of pain
With tales of woe
She contains the pain
She keeps it tight
It haunts her
Each and every night
She walks the walk
She talks the talk
She sometimes even has those thoughts
But …
What about me?
I’m
Trapped inside a prism
That floats inside her brain
Cuckolded as a passenger
Why can't I drive this train?
Is it fear that holds me back?
Will fear dictate
She stays on track
I think
And think …
And think …
And think …
I sit here in the darkness
Watching through her eyes
Yearning for the moment
To be released from this disguise
You think that you all know her
Enchanted by her scent
Anyone would think
From the heavens she was sent
But ..
What about me?
No-one hears my voice
Because I’m weak and timid
I therefore
Have No Choice
Can’t you hear me screaming?
Boxed inside this cage
Suppression’s a necessity
When you can’t release the rage
I know she is my keeper
I know she keeps us safe from harm
I know she saved us being
Deported
to
The Funny Farm
But…
That was so very long ago
I now need
To smell the air
I need to taste the tulips
I need the wind to blow my hair
I need to drink fresh coffee
Eat doughnuts on the Pier
Indulge in Marmite sandwiches
Eradicate this fear
Please …**
*There, there little sweetie
Come rest your sleepy head
You’ve gotten overtired
I’ll tuck you up in bed
Your time will come, my sweet
But really not quite now
For you
would need to comprehend
The who, why, what & how
We made a pact
Remember …
In the summer of ‘79
That I will now protect you
From that wicked evil swine
There, there little sweetie
Let me wipe away those tears
I want to see you happy
I can internalize your fears
Little sweetie
Let me see the joy upon your face
Can you feel the love
I give
In this oh so warm embrace
Don’t worry little sweetie
I understand your pain
That is why
It is me
That will always drive this train
I will never ever desert you
I will always keep you safe from harm
This is why
It is
YOU
That always keeps her charms*
**You’re right
I’m kind of sleepy
You’re right
I need to rest my head
You’re right
I’m over tired
Please tuck me up in bed …**
Oct 6, 2010
Oct 6, 2010 at 6:38 AM UTC
Them:
"You don't look Autistic."
"Wow, you must be really high functioning!"
"My friend has kids with Autism, and you don't behave anything like them."
Me:
"Thanks,
The years of bullying and abuse really paid off.
I finally learned never to display my vulnerabilites.
I learnt that others would be ashamed or uncomfortable of my differences,
Try to take advantage of my disability.
I suppose I should thank all those who thought it sport to hurt me,
I now internalize, minimize, conceal
Every difficulty.
I have been taught to sacrifice my own health and well being
For the sake of others ' needs to remain oblivious and prejudiced.
Thank you for reminding me that
All that hardwork and pain was worth it for you,
Who can operate in this public space
Unburdened by my challenges,
Oblivious to my suffering.
As a child,
My skills were less finely honed.
I had not yet developed the craft of invisibility.
One might have guessed me Autistic,
But the assumption was more often
Some combination of naughty and lazy.
Don't pretend to have sympathy for Autistic children when a comment
Clearly shows it wasn't there.
Let's be clear, too.
High function means highly camouflaged,
Easily forgotten,
Lost under the cruelty of others.
It does not mean low difficulty."
Oct 18, 2019
Oct 18, 2019 at 10:02 PM UTC
Let me find your lips
softly finding my way to your heart
Let me feel your pulse
still knowing tomorrow may not come
Let me internalize your scent
then drift inwards towards dream filled sleep
Let me go wanting more
more of you as you are in the light of day
Let me hope for more time here
to further understand who I am with you
Oct 17, 2010
Oct 17, 2010 at 5:50 PM UTC
Internalize
what you love,
despise
desire
lose yourself, entire
yet don't dismiss
that inner tormented artist
when did we proclaim
that our dreams were unattainable?
The serpent of jealousy
slides through dusty veins
that trace your skeleton
so delicate
desire
to be empty
an addiction to the act of forgetting
yet you give permission
to your heart
you allow its hypnotic rhythm
to continually keep you up at night
rhetoric
is art
is falling
is free
unlike the cost
of loving what kills you
of loving
what is "me"
Beyond any language
I need the temptation
like rusted gears
turning in empathy
catharsis
taste iron and smile
for all the times you couldn't make it
yet still did
idiotic content
of the communal brain that we sustain
the sickness we maintain
Sep 20, 2012
Sep 20, 2012 at 2:48 PM UTC
Echoes of the rain
bouncing up and down
rolling off of me
The closing of summer
is beginning its journey
Droplets cleansing to
zoom in on our intentions
of what the new year
will bring to us...
What happiness can
we hope to internalize
as our tans wash away?
Our peaceful spirits
flowing through the
celestial piccolo of love
from the Source
Happiness is our right
let it blast through the
seasons - in different
melodies, harmonies,
improvisations and
synchronizations
The summer fun leaving
for the lightness of the
dancing angel
let there be joy, wishes
dreams coming true,
star gems, moon dew
drops, friendships, and
soul mates
We shall fly through
the year with ease
and simplicity -
the bursting flowers
that reach up and
expand outward,
each tree standing
positive and steady
filling us with the
greenery and life
of our
true joy and
purpose
Aug 13, 2014
Aug 13, 2014 at 1:58 PM UTC
I don't draw pretty pictures,
or paint elaborate canvases,
I dont sing my heart out
-perfectly in key every time
or strum my guitar
-better than just fine
I don't sculp great bodies
from clay, wood or stone,
nor do I workout too much,
sculpting my own.
I tend to see the beauty
in all the above mentioned art,
internalize it, waiting for a trigger
to let the writing start.
I turn your pictures into words,
your sculptures into pages from the heart
I feel your painting without touching it,
these lines are my works of art.
Jan 6, 2011
Jan 6, 2011 at 2:53 PM UTC
Comes quite quickly end denies
No longer able fantasize
What a fool prioritize
To feed myself such wicked lies
Overwhelms in tortured cries
The only love ive known still dies
What a fool, you, I despise
Feebly I demonize
Oh god agree **** compromise
Take me instead this ****** surprise
So ******* wrong, internalize
To walk your shoes arent my size
Someday dunno when realiez
The good, the bad, and always dies
We all born will live to die
Be so torn, we'll give our lies
Free to mourn all ****** goodbyes
Agree adorned with compromise
I'm still here
Do they hear?
By all means what I held dear
Forest falling, no one near
I donno quite how I appear
All I know is we're
Alive
I'm still here
Revive
good cheer
To thrive
my dear
The drive
to steer
Alive we hear
Alive we're here
Jan 25, 2015
Jan 25, 2015 at 4:24 PM UTC
Do not write your secrets.
They can and will be used against you. Anything on paper your demons will find.
Although, demons aren’t always bad, some are just lost like you are.
You can learn a lot by simple questions. I have learned more about myself when is the presence of something darker than night than from anything else.
And for goodness sake don’t leave your words anywhere in plain sight.
You’re asking for trouble.
Or is that what you wanted?
Do not shout into the void.
No one will hear you, and even if they do they won’t come to save you.
You have to save yourself.
Find peace, even if it’s not the happy kind.
You will thank yourself. And for the record, get used to thanking yourself, you do a lot of great things without realizing it. You are your own worst enemy, but also your own best friend.
You live with yourself for a good long time, at least be someone you enjoy.
Do not internalize the pain someone else causes you.
Life is too short to be sorry you didn’t speak up.
If someone hurts you then say something because you will like yourself far better than if you did not say anything at all. Silence is the biggest regret one can have.
Thievery is the biggest sin, do not steal ones right to the truth.
No lie will be better than speaking your mind.
Also:
Do not listen to me,
I have done all these things.
And I am still just as terrible as you are.
Oct 7, 2013
Oct 7, 2013 at 7:42 AM UTC
My cause of death won't be
A physical ailment
I won't have a heart attack
I won't get heart disease
I won't be plagued with cancer
I won't die of old age
The cause of my death will be
The fact that I give all of myself
I stop whatever it is I'm doing
To help those around me
I listen to and advise my friends
I assist my family
While no one does that for me
I am left alone 99% of the time
The cause of my death will be
The fact that I must internalize
Whatever emotions I feel
Because nobody understands
How deeply they go
They judge me and find me crazy
There is no one out there
Who is as equally emotionally strung
I am alone
The cause of my death will be
The fact that when I get sick
Or when I am hospitalized
Like I was earlier this month
No one seems to think it's a big deal
My mother doesn't pay much mind
Not even the one I'm in love with
Said one word to me
I was alone
The cause of my death will be
The fact that I don't see hope for the future
I see ignorance all around me
I see laziness and poverty
I don't see any opportunities
For me to get out of this place
I am wandering aimlessly
And alone
The cause of my death will be
The fact that I hate myself
For allowing my heart and my soul
To break as they both have
I am hypersensitive
I feel abandoned
I am weak and fragile
Even in a crowd of people
I always feel alone
No, I will not die from something physical
I will die from a broken heart
Jan 20, 2014
Jan 20, 2014 at 9:25 AM UTC
Wherever I go, my phobias follow
Giving me trouble with everyday life
Adrenaline rush when engaging the unexplored
Public speaking, attention, skating, riding a bike
Facing my past, traveling, being alone, heights
Worry makes me race and bleed and need and all the like
And to think I respond to strain by keeping my brain sedated
And waste my potential, but wisdom is belated
I internalize my stimuli my mind’s eye can thrive
I enjoy my frequent fear because it makes me feel alive
Even surprise myself by overcoming the insurmountable
When easily I could fall to ruin and not be held accountable
My tunnel vision makes small conflict all I contemplate
Caught up in the moment in my aggravated state
Any ground gained is a conscious overcoming
Any pretty poem comes from days of mind running
Any day lived is time that I have borrowed
Any one could be the last but this brings me no sorrow
If anything I have taken from the images I carry
I appreciate the fact that I am temporary
Once had the option of premature return
To the nothingness that spawned me now value I have learned
I work hard to earn my being, no phobia can stifle
Patiently await the day I die and am recycled
Nov 13, 2010
Nov 13, 2010 at 5:35 AM UTC