It was in the earlier part of November, 2005 when I was called to the garrison HQ to receive an emergency Red Cross message informing me that my grandfather had passed away. I was in my third year of service as a direct contractor to the Army and my duty station was in Iraq. More specifically, I was at Tallil AFB near the city of An Nasiriyah. I was granted an emergency leave so that I could go back to the US to be with my family so I stowed my gear, packed my duffel and made the long trip home. This was the first time I would make this trip, but I’m getting ahead of myself so let me back up a bit. You see, my grandfather had served in the Second World War, actually both of them had. They were brothers. PFC Eddie Kassab, the one I’m speaking about here, had survived WWII through some pretty tough odds, including being on the third wave of the Normandy invasion at D-Day where thousands had died during the beach head assault. His brother, SFC Joseph Kassab, who married my grandmother, was killed in that war, He was a bombardier and his plane was shot down during the Guadalcanal campaign. It wasn’t until 27 years later that the wreckage of the aircraft and remains were found and recovered. When Joseph died leaving behind his young wife and new born son, Eddie began looking after her, sending home money for her and the boy, my father. They wrote back and forth to eachother after the dissappearance of Joseph and when he returned to the US after the war they courted and were eventually married. Joseph was laid to rest with the rest of his flight crew in Arlington with full military honors. Eddie, who died much later in life, was also afforded a military service there. That was my first time being in Arlington National Cemetery, a place reserved for men and women who had served their country in a military capacity. It is difficult to describe just how immense and powerful that place is, the impact you have on your life just from standing on those grounds is indescribable. If I had to try I would say it’s a mixed feeling of Honor, pride, sorrow, and a profound sense of loneliness. There are row upon row of white marble markers spanning miles of emerald green grass and broad shade trees. The markers themselves are simple, nothing fancy, but the respect they command is beyond contestation. There are also wall vaults for those who were cremated, one of these would become Eddie’s final resting place. The US Army's honor guard performed his service, while a trumpeter played “Taps” and his flag was folded and presented on behalf of a grateful nation to my father who Eddie raised as his own son. In the distance a 21 gun salute was given by seven riflemen firing three shots each. It would be the only time in my life that I saw my father cry. We took the time after Eddie’s service to walk to Joseph’s grave marker as well, passing thousands of other markers and I found myself wondering how many of these people were forgotten by the years. How many of them left behind young children. Were they killed in combat? How many of them were laid to rest with a grave full of unfulfilled dreams? The sacrifices they made weighed heavily upon me. It was a feeling I would carry with me long after I had left that place.
Years had passed and I found myself still working in Iraq for the US Army, I was stationed at Camp Taji this time, on the edge of Sadr City, a real dust bowl. I was in my eighth year of service when I was again called to Garrison HQ, another emergency Red Cross message had come through informing me that my Father had passed away. It was December 29th 2010. For hours afterward it felt as if I had been punched in the gut. I called my Mom as soon as I could to make sure she was ok and to see if there was anything she needed before making arrangements for yet another emergency leave. I again stowed my gear, packed my duffel and headed out. Now, it’s only fair to give you an idea of whom I’m talking about here, my Father, Jan, had been a Navy man and had been stationed on submarines as well as destroyer class ships during the Vietnam War. He signed up for service when he was just 18 years old and when he left the Navy he went directly into the Maitland Fire Department in central Florida and stayed there for many years. Eventually he expanded his training becoming the 80th paramedic in the state as well as a certified rescue diver and instructor. More importantly, he was a great father who raised two boys as a father should and later in life, he was a pretty good drinking buddy. His teachings and advice have helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. It was because of his prior military service that he was also awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. There was a waiting list of about 8 weeks at the time because of the high volume of casualties from the wars in the Middle East so it wasn’t until February of 2011 that he was finally laid to rest. This time it was the US Navy’s honor guard who performed his service. I remember it well; they stood in their dress whites throughout the ceremony in the biting cold as the wind whipped by mercilessly.  The honor and discipline in these men was no less than awe inspiring and through my sadness I couldn’t help but feel an amazing sense of pride for who my father was during his life. We all stood as a trumpeter again played “Taps” to the folding of my Father’s flag which was presented to my Mom on behalf of a grateful nation after a 21 gun salute was ordered in the distance. My Father’s remains were also placed in a wall vault that became his final resting place; his marker being only about 20 feet from Eddie’s marker in the adjacent wall and even though it was freezing that day, we took a little extra time to visit Eddie and Joseph again. Walking the grounds of that place again awakened all the feelings I had felt the first time, probably even more so. Again, I have to tell you that words couldn’t accurately describe how that place makes you feel. The grass had turned brown by now but was still immaculately manicured, and the precision placement of the grave markers was flawless. There were thousands of names that dated all the way back to the American Civil War. I went also with my brother to pay my respects at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It was an impressive mausoleum that is guarded twenty four hours a day by the US Army’s horror guard.  After it was all said and done and we had left Arlington and met as a family, my Mom, my Brother and his family, myself and my family and some close friends to remember him for a while over some food and drinks, and though nobody seemed to really have any appetite we still stayed there for hours. That was the first time in eight years that I had seen my Brother and would be the last time I saw him alive, but that part comes later. Eventually we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, each having a very long way to travel back home and I had to get ready to go back to Iraq, heavy hearted or not.
I had only been back in theater (that means deployment) for a few months when I was reassigned to Al Asad AB as my permanent duty station. It was a place in the middle of nowhere and was originally a Marine base but transferred to Army and Air Force some time in 2010. I had made some good friends there, settled in and finally started coming back to myself when I received a message from my brother’s wife asking me to call her, said it was important. Thinking back on it now, I remember feeling a little angry that she wouldn’t tell me on email. Internet I had in my room, but a phone…well I’m no general and I had already settled in for the night. It was about 21:30 hrs. (9:30 p.m.) on a night in late July so I got dressed and made the quarter mile walk to my office where I could use the phone, cursing under my breath the whole time. It took me about 20 minutes just to find my phone card in my cluttered desk drawer, but when  I finally did amongst more unsavory mutterings I made the call. She answered quickly enough but her voice sounded strained so I calmed down and asked her what was going on, I figured something wasn’t right so she didn’t need me jumping her case on top of it. It was then that she told me my Brother’s body had been found in his home in Whiteville NC. He had been having a hard time with depression since our Father passed as well as marital problems and he had made the decision to take his own life at the age of 36 leaving behind his Wife, Stepson and Daughter who was only 5 at the time. I was blindsided to say the least, no one saw this coming, and he left no real reason as to why so there still is no closure, no understanding. I was angry… no, I was furious! But I’m getting ahead of myself again. She had called me not only to inform me of what had happened, but also to ask if I had Mom’s phone number because she didn’t have it and didn’t know how to get in touch with her to tell her. I told her not to worry about it and that I’d take that on my shoulders and get back to her. It had only been five months since we laid our Father to rest and to say I dreaded making that phone call was a ridiculous understatement. It was easily one of the toughest things I ever had to do, but it had to be done all the same so I dug Mom’s number out of my wallet…and stared at it…I don’t know how long but it felt like a long time. What else could I do? What could I say? It’s not like I had an instruction booklet for delivering bad news and this was as bad as it gets. After a few deep breaths I dialed her number and decided to take the direct approach. She answered the phone and we exchanged hellos, and I asked her what she was doing. She was out shopping with Robbie at the Tractor Supply Co. He was a longtime family friend and all around good guy. I told her that I had some pretty bad news and asked if she could find a place to sit down there, but she told me it was ok to just tell her what happened so I did exactly that. I gave her all the information I had at the time, I didn’t know how to sugar coat it so I didn’t. She took it pretty well up front, not breaking down until later that evening. My Brother, SPC Troy Kassab, had enlisted in the US Army with our Father’s permission when he was only 17 years old. He was a combat medic assigned to Ft. Carson in Colorado before transferring to the 82nd Airborne Division in Ft Brag NC. He deployed to Cuba among other deployments overseas before being attached to a Ranger Unit as their medic and doing other deployments that he never would talk about much. After the army he lived in NC where he worked in restaurants while attending school on the G.I bill and volunteering on the Hickory Rescue Squad as an EMT. He eventually completed school in Winston Salem NC where he got his PA degree in general practice. Troy was a self-educated, brilliant man who wasn’t perfect but who is? He saved lives in the Army, and then continued to do so in the civilian world until his death in July of 2011. He was a husband and a father, a brother and a friend. He was important to us. It was because of his past in the Army that he also was awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. This time the wait was much longer and his funeral wasn’t held until November 15th of 2011. I remember that day and the days leading up to it like it was yesterday. I had ended my deployment in Iraq on November 3rd, making it back to the US on November 6th. From the time of his death I had stayed in contact with Mom and his wife Andi to make sure they were ok and help in any way I could with the affairs and expenses. When I finally did get home I pulled my truck out of storage had it inspected, fueled and ready to go. It was unfortunate, but my wife was in college and had work at the time so she couldn’t come with us so my daughter and I made the long trip from Houston TX to Hickory NC to see Troy’s wife and kids. While I was there I also picked up a close family friend of ours who needed a ride and made the long drive to Arlington VA...again. The US Army’s honor guard met us there to perform his service and again the attention to detail, the respect given to the deceased, and the discipline shown was flawless. There were more friends this time than family in attendance but I was there with Mom, Robbie, my daughter, and some very close family friends, some going all the way back to our childhood. The ceremony was the same, every time the same. I remember thinking I hated the way “Taps” sounded as they folded the flag and I was angry and hurt when I stepped forward to claim my Brother’s remains and walk them to the wall vault that would become his final resting place. I have to say though, that through my grief and anger, I was a little bit pleased to see that he was placed so close to my Father and Grandfather. I left a pair of my own dog tags in his vault, it made me feel better that he wouldn’t be alone in there. I guess it doesn’t make a lot of sense now but at the time it did.  I stood over his marker and said a silent prayer before heading out to see Dad, Eddie and Joe’s markers and pay some respects. The grass was that brilliant emerald green again, and the sense that I stood in a place of honor reserved for our nations fallen still struck me through the heart.  After that we just kind of faded away from that place making our way home. Troy’s wife Andi had decided not to come, she was angry, she felt betrayed and abandoned, so on my way home I stopped back in Hickory NC, dropped off Michelle and made the drive to Andi’s house to present her with Troy’s flag as it had been presented to me. I remember hoping that her decision wouldn’t leave her with later regrets, but it was too late to change it now. The drive home was a long one, one that rekindled so many unanswered questions. Three generations of my family laid to rest leaving me as the only surviving male member of my family; something that still weighs upon my heart today.
But this is their story, and though it seems a sad one, that is not its intent. This story was written so that you the reader could understand that there is a place where over a hundred thousand Josephs and Eddies, and Jans and Troys are resting.  Each one of those stone crosses and stars have a face, a name, a history, and they made a sacrifice for you and for me. They were people who gave up their futures so that we could have one. They were people who had dreams, families, and who put all of that aside for what they believed in. They weren’t perfect people, but they deserve to be remembered. If you do nothing else after reading this, at least take the time to think about the freedoms that you have, freedoms that have cost us so much…

"Go on forth young graduates,

And show us who you are

You're now our future leaders

We know you will go far"

And so commencement ended

Pictures done and people changed

Now, off to private parties

All orderly pre-arranged

But four young girls stood waiting

Until they were alone

"Let's head out to the party

And tomorrow, we shall phone,

Each other and we'll organize

Our final tete a tete

We'll plan something so special

A thing we haven't thought of yet!"

So, they went their separate ways

And they thought of all the places

That would hold a fitting luncheon

For their girls group "The 4 Aces""

They all got home around half past five

And all slept till half ten

After breakfast, phones were ringing

As they planned to meet again.

They picked a little tea house

called "Flavored Leaves of Green"

They would meet for a tea party

They would really make the scene

A week today they chose to meet

To celebrate together

They'd meet for tea and cakes

Regardless of the weather

And one more time, they'd choose to wear

The prom dress from that year

Big frilly hats, and long white gloves

and all that froo froo gear

The day arrived and they showed up

All ready for their tea

The Aces all decked again

Their luncheon was at three

The girls all talked about their plans

Of school and summer work

Two would council campers

While the other two would clerk

They loved their day and played the part

Of ladies with no cares

They knew it was the only time

They'd dine here, to be fair.

The final act of these four friends

Before they left and packed

Was to sign a pledge between them all

You could say, a small pact

"In twenty years from this day forth

We'll meet again for tea

On July twenty seventh

Of the year Two thousand three"

The sheet was signed and on their way

They booked their reservation

The girls all hugged and said goodbye

To end their celebration

Now time went by as it always does

And each girl went a different way

But in twenty years, they all looked forth

To meet again that day

The firtst Ace, Jill, went on to school

And married while she studied

She lost track of her Aces friends

Their paths were slightly muddied

She went to school in Omaha

A vet she chose to be

Her marriage lasted fifteen years

And...well, children...she had three.

Andi, chose to work instead

She left town to chase rainbows

She knew that here, her *** of gold

Would be wherever she chose

She moved out to Chicago

Where she was a big success

She became a photo artist

With a Lakeshore Drive address

Cindy, well...dear Cindy

Married five times through the years

Each one was shorter than the last

And one....just fifteen beers

They chose to split the very night

They they chose to become one

He left with her head bridesmaid

And the catfight....it was fun

Cindy spent two nights in jail

For beating up her beau

And she really laid a beating,

In her words, "Upon that **"

Lucy, never did leave town

But she let on that she did

For at high school graduation

She was pregnant with her kid

Her boy was born at Christmas

She did not even tell his dad

He was off to find his fortune

And she sometimes wished she had

But, she made up tales to tell her son

Of who his father was

But, she never told the truth to him

And that was her son's loss

She worked around the village

Never really getting out

She did her best for her son Jamie

There never was a doubt

She loved this boy with all her heart

And so she chose to stay

She'd sacrifice her future

And she'd dream of "just what may"

have happened to her if she left

If he had not been born

But, to her, a life with out him

Made her feel sad, forlorn

Twenty years past by so fast

The Aces plans were set

Each one had hoped the other

Would not dare to forget

Allthough good friends in high school

They'd never kept in touch

They went different directions

Their new lives, well....were their crutch

Cindy was the first to show

So, she stayed outside to smoke

When a voice came from behind her

And she knew just who had spoke

Lucy, grabbed her arm

And then she hugged her really tight

At least two of the four Aces

had remembered, got it right

They went inside to grab a seat

And Jill came in behind

And over by the bar was where

Andi, they would find

They all dressed up and wore big hats

And prom dresses as a lark

And they sat and told their stories

Of their lives till after dark

They vowed that they would stay in touch

And that they would converse

They all agreed they'd talk this time

And nothing could be worse

Than twenty years of silence

Between friends like the Four Aces

Even though they lived such different lives

They missed each other's faces

Another pact was signed this night

But this one for five years

To meet again for tea and cakes

And they signed it through their tears

Cindy left to catch her flight

and Andi left as well

Then Jill got up and hugged Lucy

And then she bade farewell

This left Lucy all alone

At the table all alone

When a gentleman came over

And he sat down with a groan

"Your party was successful"

Lucy smiled at his words

He was the tea house owner

A collector of rare birds

She thanked him for the party

It was one she could not miss

And on her way out past him

She gave him a light kiss

For not only did the tea room

Belong to this kind man

He was also her employer

For, 'twas his kitchen that she ran

You see, now it's been twenty years

Since they went to lead their lives

Some becoming so successful

Some becoming moms and wives

But Lucy, never left this burg

She raised her son alone

And she'd worked at this small tea house

It was her second home

She did not have the money

To come in as a guest

But her boss, was a sweetheart

And he'd made this night the best

Tomorrow she'd be back at work

Making meals for those who came

To the "Flavored leaves of Green"

and she'd be Lucy, once again..
..

      'You said,  
     "Someday I'm gonna break your heart",
      the first time that we met--

     Were you warning me..

     ..or just seeing how close I'd get?'

If you didn't want to exist  in the heart
of a man like me, then you shouldn't have
allowed your scrapper little spirit  
    to write the way you do.

And I was so naughty--  so very intentioned  
in all of my obscenely-truthful lies..
I told you it was all your  fault
        that you got in so quickly

         --and   it  was.

I got you back, though
I knew it the moment you let on
that you had fallen  deeply  in love..   not with me..
but with the love that had so deeply  fallen
for every-thing about you

And so,  it increased..  but at such a strange distance.
But even then,  the years only perfected  

   and strengthened..

   until lately..  
                      until lately..

     'We lay down in a lover's sigh
     As a million years of time rolled by
     How can I be hoping that it's not over yet?'

     I wasn't done, young Andi..
     no..   no..   far from it

You see.. there's this shame-thing
I wanted to flood  with light.
I'm getting so close  to finding the words
     that have never been heard  
     in this world before

    (And now.. and now.. and now..)

     'I can't hold on to the night
     Things change, ain't nothin' ever stays the same
     You're gone as far as I can see

     If you feel like letting go
     Honey, I don't wanna be the last to know

    ( I wanna hold on tight to the sweet memory
        of you loving  me)'

Snow plows beeping
Reverse whine and scrape
Swirling blizzard of waking—Strange
in this place where
boredom banks both snow and cold
Are my eyes running?
After all
there's a stiff wind, and it’s 18 below....

Pictures and phone calls make up my family
Stray cats eat suet I leave for the birds
who make names for themselves in sunlit bushes
Love these more than...

my hearse of a job

where that ice cream vat—slipped
smashed
my sodden dish-doin’

fingers    against     sink

Pain mounts its insurrection!
Ambushed!
from every direction
Fainting in steam
Squeezing my eyes    
till the blood shuts my brain-failing
Down my wrist
all over
the front of this rubber apron....

Someone hates me somewhere

Someone found me more tenacious
than a road-**** skunk!

I eat    I drink    I work    I sleep
between these vicious icicles  


-18F = -28 C

Andi Balise combined a half page of a short story, “Thanks Going Without Saying” by Liz Balise, with half a page of an essay by Klee, “On Modern Art”, from a book called Modern Artists on Art, 10 Unabridged Essays, edited by Robert L. Herbert. With some small edits and line-breaks comes this miracle of a poem:

Painting a Function Different

I peek out over the railing of reality’s magic
Beyond the porch-floor
Minerva hangs her wash
making the invisible visible
Eighty two and three quarters deaf
she doesn’t notice  
But this is, in fact, reality
Has always been this way—
Bent and bird-like existence  
Balanced on two twigs—always busy—

Her task, is the ******* of space  
Cutting coupons, crushing aluminum cans, ironing
The three phenomena which I must....

Things no one notices—
climbing on the abstract surface of a picture
Switching the curtains  
God! I wish from the infinity of space..she wouldn’t…!

It figures that—
Rusty, her cat, is weaving in fortune or misfortune  
I try to fix them—
Her ankles now
And she curses at accidental quality
from the corner of her mouth
which has only one form
Clothespin or cigarette?  
Long johns and animals and men in heaven
and bureau scarf and sheets—all, non-infinite deities
surround us translucent, contained
  
I decide what to get for her birthday—

We are good friends
through painting a function different

For me?
Predestined necessity.

Minerva?
forgets her manners
and eats like a survivor—

Thanks going without saying.

she's wearing a sun hat
my shirt
her favorite pair of *******
she's dancing around the room
frank ocean singing to her out of the speakers on her laptop
everything frank ocean says she sings back to me
with every word she says
and every step she takes
around the room
i fall more and more in love
with the beauty of who she is
when she's herself,
the beautiful girl dancing around the room
in a sun hat
and my shirt
and her favorite *******

Ik gal kaha.

Menu 2016 to hi yakeen ja ** gea c
Ki thuhade lai menu bhulna bada easy c
Bcz us time jado thuhade viah di gal chali c
Tuci menu ik war bi nai c dasea
Nd us bhenchod nu pyar kar bethe c tuci

Yaar me kade kisi hor nu pyar nai kita, na hi kade kar paya. Beshak me hor bada kuj kita.
Bhawe oh kudi baji c ya nasha.
Par kisi hor nu kade pyar nai kr sakea.

Menu sala ehi samj nai a reha
Ki me thuhanu yaad karna band kr dawa
Ya ewe hi yaad krda raha

Me badi try kr reha ki yaad na kara.
Par is baar gal kuj hor he
2016 wich me bhul gea c u nu
But etki, gaand fati hoi a meri
Bus ik mar nai sakda
Baki bahro kush rehna penda

Kini war dekh chukea me thuhanu lal rang de choore wich
Sali iko dua nikdi ki maut a jawe menu
Bcz me khud mar nai sakda
*** bi ro reha

Yaad a ik wari, jado apa park wicho di ja rahe c
Te ik munda park wich ro reha c
Te me us time
Keha c ki sala
Kinna pagal he
Munda ewe kiwe ro sakda
Aj oh munde di yaad andi menu
Te meri kahi gal
Aj samj anda ki sala rona ki hunda

Bhen di lun hoi bi meri life di
Sala kite bi dil nI lagda mera

I know u nu mazak hi lag reha hona
Ha me kita bi mazak hi c thuhade naal
Te aj usdi saza bhugat reha ha
Ena jyada tadap reha ha

Pata ik ta banda ro ke mann halka kr lenda
Ik banda andro ronda
Jeda sala andro rona, te usda mann bi halka nai hunda
Bada ikha hunda

Fat jandi he
Rooh kamb jandi he
Sala jad bi kade wife nu patiala chad ke anda
Ta sad song laganda. Badi myshkil naal sad song sunan nu milde
Te bus sara rasta ronda anda me
Sach kaha ohi ik time hunda jad me ro sakda ha te apna mann halka karda ha
Cheeka marda ha, chest te mukke marda ha
Thapad tak marda ha apne aap nu
Sala sochda ki isi bahane kuch dil halka ** jawe
Par kithe.
Nai hunda.

Heena jj, menu pata ki mera *** koi hak nai reha.
Par metho ik haq na khona
Oh thuhanu dekhan da.
Me kade life wich interfair nai krda
Bus menu dekhan to na rokna kade.

Me tadfna chanda ha
Rona chanda ha
Apni galtia krke

Ameen

*** tak ta tuci pregnant bi ** gaye hone
thuhanu kuj ni pata ehna thoughts naal kini fatdi he
dil daily karda he ki thuhdae office de samne aawa
te ake dekha u nu
but control kr lenda ha kisi na kisi tarah
daily raat nu 2 mint kharar bus stand te ruk ke janda ha,
ki thuhade ghar wal nu jawa ya na jawa.
dil ena krda ki shyad chatt te tuci khade howe te me dekh lawa
but fer dimag kenda chad rehn de dilla.
kyu tang krna us nu
oh kushi kushi apni life spend kr rahi he
ta usdi life kyu spoil krni

Yaar I want to see you.
fati hoi a meri
thuhanu bilkul bi fikar ni andi?
ki kiwe reh reha hona me?
daily ronda ha
daily yaad andi he thuhadi.
But serioulsy u r stone heart
kash me bi ban jawa dubara ewe da
pehla changa bhalwa ban gea c
jado jalandhar to bad breakup hoea c
*** sala pata nai ki ** gea
us time bi 6-8 months lagge c recovery lai
but is time sala ** hi nai reha
menu bi dasdo ewe da ki kara me
ki bhul jawa u nu
jiwe tuci bhul gaye

@@
! !
! !

i just wanna say i miss you
but you can't talk to me
i'm such a big problem in your life
i wish i could just let you go
but i cant, i cant just not talk to someone
whom i love so ******* much!
but i've made so many problems
andi'm not even worth it
i should just let it be
like you did long ago...

( Knock, knock. )
Hey, can I come in?
Hello, yes of course. Would you like any tea or water?
No thanks.
Ok. So how was your week?
Fine, I suppose. Actually now that I think about 60/40 on the ****** scale.
Explain.
I don't know, I've been dating this girl for a while now and it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.
Andi?
(Cough.) Yeah.
Hmm, I thought things were going well with her. Can you explain your feelings a little bit more?
I guess I'm feeling like she likes me, just not enough.
What do mean not enough?
I mean she likes me but it feels like i'm just somebody to occupy her time until finds someone who is what she really wants. And I'm not sure if she's what I want either... I don't know.
Hmm, that sounds frustrating. Are you sure your not just misreading her? I mean, everybody has a different dating style.
That could be that i'm just reading into it too much but she's kinda flakey and if you ask me, thats a good way to tell how much they like someone.
Not always, but I understand how you feel. Maybe you should consider asking her how she feels?
I don't think I'm at that point yet. The thing is, sometimes we have a lot fun. I guess i'm just confused.
Dating is hard. It takes a lot of courage.
I suppose. I just want to find someone that makes me as good as willa used to.
I know, but I don't think it does you any good to focus your past relationships.
Yeah... I know. Can we talk about something else?

End

i don't know what it's like
to not have a dad
to wake up every morning to feel as if something's missing
some part of your life
some distant memories of a man you called daddy and your mommy called love
only to one day disappear and be someone else's love and someone else's daddy

i don't know what it's like
to be you

but i know i'd do anything
to make you smile
and make you feel loved
i know that one day
you'll look back on life
with bright eyes for the future

you are
capable

you are not

      y o u r p a s t

this is only temporary

smile because the world is so big
and there's so much you haven't learned yet
one day you'll be someone's princess

ANDI'LLKNOWIWATCHEDYOUGROWUP

please don't forget me
if i'm living i'm living for you
i don't need to be another person in your life that left

you're so young
so pure

DONTFORGETWHOYOUARE

BEYOURSELF

BELIEVEINYOURSELFTOO

I W I LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU

call me anytime

so guess what, one day
I found a key (to a closet (in the church.))
and it was very dark and dusty
in there &
the ladder nailed to the wall was only wide
enough for
one
foot
at-a
time,
so, it’s lucky that
I’m skinny enough to wri-i-iggle my shoulders
up and through the hole in the
closet’s web-trailing ceiling.

I clambered up there and into this black
forest.
Plants were sprouting
up in big rills and clumps--
stalks thin as my finger and
pipes wider than my waist,
some fading up into the ceiling’s darkness...
others squatting low, and glaring up
at me with One. black. eye.
they were all deathly still.

Then,
the creaking boards, the black forest, the cramped path of unmarked dust that winds between the pipes, all that just
SIGHED and VIBRATED,
and with a hisssing hoarsse
!shhhhhhhh...
breathed!
and my heart just stops!!! BAM!





{cricket}


and i feel ****** into a dark mouth! i am caught and trapped by this black closet’s maw andI’mwaitingfor Godknowswhat tocomewrigglingfromthepipes-- ! --!
and then guess what?:

!b’URsting up its throat
is a SONG!
slowlyand Suddenly,
a blaring, screaming,
golden
!EAgle of a chord
that s(oa)rs and c’RASHES into anotherand another one
all rising and falling,
champing at the bit until One Thousand hhums and shhivers
fill each pipe.

and it feels like
holding ten coins in a stack and making them jump-clink-clickity-HOP together--
oh, it feels like
pushing your fingertips into a bucket of cold paint
it feels like the moment after jumping off of a tall tree
it feels like un-rippling your braided hair with both hands
like a songbird’s claws curling about your finger,
like closing your eyes in a hot summer-sun
and falling asleep in a hammock

it feels like holding a blacksnake
that curls and struggles strong against your wrists,

that’s what this church ***** feels like.

I’m gonna **** the genius that started playing while I was in there.

I feel too much; emotionally/mentally
I'm constantly thinking about nothing and everything all at once
Why was I born with this blessing?
Why was I born with this curse?
Why am I like this?
I feel feelings that don't exist and
I fall in love with everything and
I'm constantly breaking my own heart
I feel like no one understands me andI don't know how I should
Feel about that
I just have all these thoughts and emotions inside of me
That I can only release onto paper and
It makes me feel alone and trapped and
Yet I push away everyone in my life
So they don't see this beautiful mess I've created
Of both happiness and sadness
I'm still trying to solve myself
Because I'm a Mystery

London England*


I am old now
old and tired the music Hall is fading
old clowns in baggy pants don't seem funny anymore.
The flickering silver light of the cinema
was growing brighter almost everyday.
My days are over playing for Victoria  Empress of Britain .
My whole life vanished like it never happened so meaningless.

I am alone never married, the stage is a wife I suppose.
No wife to turn to  I turn to the bottle
she puts me to sleep numbs my soul.
Old Jack the doorman at the Gaiety in London.
He lets me in for free every night to watch the Music Hall artist.
There not like you were sir --he still calls me sir.

A  juggler, a singer,a magician,a comedian, and showgirls.
And  oh yes A ballet dancer.she is so young and beautiful
I think I come here just to see her.
If I had not found the bouquet of flowers
in the entrance, she would be dead now.
I watched her dance so talented like an Angel in flight
on gossamer wings.I am far too old for her of course
but I cannot help but be drawn to her outstanding talent.
And her beauty if truth be known.

I take the flowers to her dressing room and knock on the door.
There is a moan from inside a low painful moan.
I take a deep breath and open the door
she is laying on the floor an empty vial of something  
I had seen this before the stage carries many dark secrets.
I found a box of salt and poured it into a glass of water
then poured it down her throat
At first, I thought I was too late.
then the salts caused her to throw up the poison.

She lay on the sofa and slept I never left her side.
After a few hours, she said I cannot move my legs
I carried her to my old room and placed her in bed.
I no longer can dance she cried my legs are paralyzed she cried.

I made her tea and a sandwich.
We are a great pair you andI.
A dancer who cant dance
and a comedian whocant make people laugh.

There was no money for a doctor
but I had her trying to walk every day.
After, a few months she walked again
Slowly at first then stronger day by day.
I brought out her dance outfit ballet shoes.

Old Jack let us in to use the Gaiety stage as her dance floor.
I felt so ashamed that I was so in love with her.
But I think in the chest of every comedian
lies a fragile tender heart that is so easily bruised.

A few weeks later she was dancing again
and then moved away to follow her career.
I was desolate
I returned to the bottle.
Then a catalysmic event brought us together
Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated at Sarajevo.
On the 4th of August 1914,
Great Britain declared war on Germany.

A group of performers were chosen
to form an entertainment group for the troops.
She was amongst them
and refused to participate if they did not select me.
Under duress, they agreed and the first performance was in London.

I went on and gave the performance of my life.
The soldiers roared in laughter
my heart filled to the brim with happiness.
I then watched from the wings as she danced so beautifully
My eyes were wet with both happiness and sadness so bittersweet.
Around and around she would pirouette.
Like a dream-like a beautiful dream.

My mind was  spinning in harmony with her movements.
if only I was twenty-five again.
if only I could have been with her.
if only I did not love her
quiet so much.
....if only .....if only.

The crowd roared for her a complete standing ovation
they were almost the last words I would hear.
As I clutched my breast
and fell onto the floor she rushed to me
and kissed me on the head
stay with me, stay with me
I love you so much she whispered.

But I slipped quietly into the dark unknown
happy and content to go there.
I finally knew
she had loved me as far as it is possible
given the circumstances that is.

She takes creamand I sugarwe lie in dreamsof can we? could ya?but outside in the midnight cloudshe's all I ever wantedwe take long walks with the dogchrist, she exhausts me-we're down lanes and up hillsand when I catch her at the topeach kiss seems to change herI don't know this womanwe are just so intimate,I'd love to see into her heartbut maybe I already did andI'm just too dumb to tell wood from treesI know it hurts when she's not thereI have cream, and all this sugarand those dreams I mentioned?Get outta' here-I'd never dare tell her about all that.

i got this crazy kind of head case where i swear on my life, my head is spinning round and round the room like some kind of never ending rollercoaster. i’ve been straightedge since august and i’ve been taking my pills regularly since july but it feels like i took a hand full of oxy and downed the ***** that my mom left in cupboard, left over from the cottage (jello shooters, appletini, orange juice), enough to get me and my friends drunk and i know for anyone else this would be a tease to get lively and drink with friends but for me this is a tease to end my life once and for all and it’s been pondering around my mind since we got back but darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t because of you and i, no, it’s just about you and the way you felt the need to rub your near ninety in math or your eighty five in french and how your worst grade was a low seventy eight and i start to wonder if you realize how some people would **** for those grades. it took me almost six years to realize that the reasons my grades were so low weren’t because i was stupid because no one’s really stupid. it wasn’t about missing cells in my brains or bad memories, it was about scars on my wrists and never ending thoughts about the afterlife, pondering about whether there was a heaven and a hell and if i would make it or not. wondering if anyone would stop me if i cut up the razor my mom bought me for christmas and used it to tear through veins (frail and lonely) wondering if i were ever going to make it past your low low seventy eight in any given class or maybe i was just stupid (can’t count the scars from feeling dumb on one hand any longer) and maybe the reason i don’t like you anymore is because you did this to me and you don’t even know it but darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t because of you and i, no, it’s about the way you make me feel like i should hang my head in shame for being me because you acted like you were embarrassed to hang out with me that one day in the cafeteria and the image of you covering your face and walking away as ifyou didn’t know me will forever be etched into my eyelids, i got quiet for six weeks and started becoming another person because i said i needed change. but change won’t pay my way to university or give me the confidence i need, it’s much more than that. chane will let me fake a smile for a while but on the inside, i’ll still be the same (loud and bright) even if on the outside i’ve become a copy of everything i’ve never wanted to be (lonely and shy), claiming, “it’s all right, social situations just make me feel uncomfortable.” even thought they don’t and i know you can feel it, the way i want to walk up onto that stage and let everyone see who i am (different, me, not you) but i know you won’t let me and darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t because of you and i, no, it’s about the way you make me feel like i should be alone and i don’t deserve to have anyone like the way you left me to hang out with someone else and i slumped against the wall next to the main office and stared at my hands and wished i had someone else to have lunch with but i didn’t so i sighed to myself and put my earphones in (no i don’t have a gun) and stared at the clock on my phone until lunch ended (from 80% to 30%) and afterwards i ignored you for letting me suffer for an hour (my heart raced every time any one walked by in fear that they would know i was alone and laugh at me) but you never knew why and i never told you because i feared you would be upset if i did and you would end the friendship and i would truly have no one but truth be told i never had anyone to begin with — you were never really my friend you were never really anything (well, you were) but i was never really anything to you which makes is that much easier for this to happen and darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t about you and i, no, it’s about me and the way i let you crawl under my skinand take me over like some kindof parasite that makes doctors scratch their heads and run unnecessary tests (eeg, cat scan, x-ray) while i lay on the hospital bed letting myself die but not allowing myself to tell them why in fear of being locked up for being insane (please, in this society?) they can see my pain is real but they can’t see why so they send me back home and i’m never alone, not with you whispering how worthless i am in my ear (i wish i were as crazy as i felt) your whispers turns into screams as soon as i take my seat in math class andi’m so focused on your screams that i’m staring blankly at the test on my desk like i have no idea it’s there and i’m so confused (why doesn’t anyone else hear you) (how are people writing so furiously) but darling don’t be narcissistic, this isn’t your voice, it’s mine and they take me out before math class is over and drop me off at the hospital and this time it really isn’t about you because they’re diagnosing me with schizophrenia and keeping me in the hospital (so i don’t hurt myself or anyone around me) and when you come to visit me you drop of flowers and i start screaming and they kick you out (they tell you not to return) and for the first time in my life i feel okay

I don’t believe in a god
But I have faith that she can
make the sun shine brighter
when it’s tangled in her hair

She is inexplicable
I don’t know if she exists because
evolution isn’t perfect
and God doesn’t happen

She shouldn’t be happening
But those are her fingers
and her palms
I could memorize every line

And rewrite every vein in her body
because our hearts don’t beat together
and I try not to look at her that way

But it still happens
andI have to catch myself
from falling for her

violent You are like a biggest sound
cloyingly honeyed on my mound of massed
and singing chords
                                         (you are a rose most thorned and beautiful
    i clutch idiosyncratically
strangled scarlet petals bursting
                     a foal i;ve nursed with tremoring pits of bold
gangling and accurate stench

             violent you're a tedium
a lush and decaying growth
         so lightly cancering my cell
and I breath your daily blood                and i whimper first glowering fist

      my hand to take that penitent shape
                                                                            

                and i"ll whisper it



to their chins:
                                   they who art most a mortal folly
as to wade in my
                                        quaking presence


         andi


'              
           ;ll



     sleeep               them                           quickly rushing rushing



               oBliviOn)

I sit there like a balloon, fit to burst,
and no one even turns their head.
I've been pushed, and pushed, and pushed and pushed andI'mjustsogoddamntiredofitallandIjustwanttoscream.
How can they not have noticed?
I mean, it's not like I'm trying to hide it,
I'm long past that.
Do I really mean that little to them that they never noticed me before?
Have I always looked as depressed on the outside as I am on the inside?
I know they care - I know they do.
I just need them to notice me for once.
notice me when I need them most.

I don't know what will set me off,
or how explosive I'll be when it does;
Once I start, I'm never really sure that I can stop.
Will it be the picture of upset, my hands linked behind my head, legs drawn close, unable to stop the tears from spilling out of my painfully red eyes - uncontrollable sadness.
Or will it be screaming anxiety, my claws finding their usual tearing spots in my scalp, my body trembling with the effort of not screaming at the top of my lungs and falling to literal pieces on the polished floors.
Or will it be like last-time; small, silent self-pitying.
unnoticeable.
The kind that come out of no-where and takes you by surprise, that you cant do anything about or someone will see, the kind that you hide with your hands whilst pretending that you're getting on with your work and not wishing that you were dead.

you never know with me - it's just one of the many flaws of my mind.
so please - please - just notice me now.

MY VIEW OF ANIMAL CIRCUSES



YA SEE I AM IN FAVOUR OF ANIMAL CIRCUSES

CAUSE IF THE ANIMAL IS TREATED OK, I AM FINE WITH IT

THESE WEIRD ANIMAL LIBERATIONISTS, NEED TO BE TAUGHT

HOW TO HAVE FUN, CAUSE, IN ZOOS THE ANIMALS ARE IN CAGES

AND IN HORSE RACING ANIMALS ARE IN CAGES

AND AS LONG AS THERE ISN’T ANY HUMAN DOING HARM TO ANIMALS IN CAGES

WE SHOULD ALLOW IT IN CANBERRA

CAUSE IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE AS ALBERT TOPSY WAKDRON, I TAMED A LION

ANDI WORE A SKIRT, YEAH A MAN WEARING A SKIRT

NOWADAYS PEOPLE ARE TOO SCARED TO PLAY DRESSUPS

BECAUSE, THEY ARE TOO WORRIED ABOUT PEOPLE WHO TEASE

TEASE ME, TEASING NOTHING, BUT I LIKE PLAYING DRESSUPS FOR YOUTUBE YA SEE

I REMEMBER DRESSING UP IN A SKIRT TAMING A LION

THAT IS FUN, AND ANIMAL LIBERATIONISTS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT

NOT EVERYONE WHO LIKES ANIMAL CIRCUSES ARE BAD PEOPLE

THEY DO CARE, THEY DO CARE THEY DO CARE

I DRESS UP AS A GIRL AND YEAH, I WHIP THEM LIKE YOU WHIP HORSES

I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT’S A TAD HYPOCRITICAL

CAUSE I NEVER WHIPPED A LION, I TAMED A LION AS TOPSY WALDRON IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE

I AM AN OLD TIMER TO THESE ANIMAL LIBERATIONISTS

CAUSE, I NEVER LET THE WHIP HIT THE ANIMAL

I AGREE WITH ANIMAL CIRCUSES, CAUSE THEY DON’T HARM THE ANIMALS

CALL ME A BIG GIRL, BUT I WANNA BRING BACK MY TOPSY, WALDRON CHARACTER

TO SHOW I AM IN FAVOUR OF ANIMAL ENTERTAINMENT

LIKE SOME ANIMALS COULD BE OLD TIME ENTERTAINERS

CHARLIE CHAPLIN IS PROBABLY NOW AN ANIMAL

I AM A BUDDHIST ENTERTAINER WRITER AND ARTIST, WITH A LOVE FOR YOUTUBE

AND A LOVE FOR CLEANCUT ANIMAL ENTERTAINMENT

THINK OF PREVIOUS LIVES, YOUTUBE CLEARLY STATES

THAT SOME ANIMALS LIKE THE ATTENTION THEY GET

MY LION I TAMED, I KNOW HE DID

My dear love, in you andI there is more than just a boy and a girl
There are lovers who love more than they are loved,
and souls who see what is not visible.
I am loved, as are you,
and together we see that.

I think of you three daily
My heart aches to say hi
I'm sorry
Whish I could be your mom again
Tears flow like  a waterfall
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Please call
Keep living your amazing
Andi love you three

I found myself rocking on the floor again today
But I don't know how I got down there or how I felt so calm.
As you screamed at me trapped in the bathroom
I felt a smile slowly creep on my face
As I imagined myself taking my razor out of my pocket and using it to slice your face open.
It looked so beautiful covered in blood
With your jaw hanging open
And hearing you scream at me to stop.
I did like you for a while
When you cried it made me feel better because now you can know how it feels to constantly be in agony
Writhing and clenching your stomach
Coughing blood
Every.
Single.
NIGHT!!!!!
And as your voice got louder and louder
I began to laugh
Because your anger was so intriguing.
When you threaten to **** me
It gets me so high
I feel like a kid on Christmas day.
Im not suicidal but if you put the gun to my head I'll do whatever I can to get
You to pull the trigger
If you held a knife to my throat
I'd step just a little closer to feel the
Stony ice blade against my already freezing skin.
I'm psychotic mommy I can feel it deep inside.
I can feel it in the clouds
And see the tent in the sky....
The tent....
It makes me think of him
Andi stop laughing for the tender spot that hinders...
The roses start to wither
And the air gets thicker...
I breathe in blood and I noticed I've sliced my throat
But I feel fine
I feel bliss.
If I were a god just for a day
If I had the power to just pick off people one by one
Or take them by the plenty...
Whisk them off of this filthy
Filthy ******* ******* you**
Call a ******* earth.
I'm so pathetic.
So pathetic!!!!!!
IM A HORRIBLE ******* *****!!!
Mommy????
Mommy?? Why do you lock my bedroom door at night when I'm sleeping?
I said I was sorry
And I never wanted to hurt you again.
You said Daddy died but why is he standing above you??
Mommy please don't go.
I'll try to be a better child.
Why do you hate me??
YOU STUPIDFUCKING *****!!
ANSWER ME!!!!
I love you..

the sun burned my eyes
andi  dug my head into my pillow
my socks almost fell off
and my shirt twisted around my body
the hair that rested upon my head
was messy as hell,

i hopped out of bed
and saw the snow melting
as i drank my coffee
i felt cool down my body

i thought to myself
as i drank it
"what a **** lovely day!"

walked out with a smile

and lost my head in the clouds

and fell in love with thoughts of what i'll be
doing for the rest of the day

Came back home
and hopped on my bed
the sun was out
and the moon came on

and i thought
to myself

"what a **** lovely day today!"

and fell asleep with the
foggy air

wash it wash out wash it wash out
let it turn
hoot and a holler
bottled up all day
and like bubbly bottles burst
take my toll
fierce, almost fictional
but never hostile
transcend your barriers and let your impulses take you towards the next side of the room
and then back again
its over and over and over
hear the trumpet whail its sorrow
circling, round, round, round
love, a mist, love to die for
unseen unconditionl surrender
ooohohohoaoh
e,njoy a gin and tonic, and ,dress that ,was fash,ionable at ,som, e point b,ut is in deeper,ate ne,ed of ,recur ,,, , , , rence
the glasses are thick and so is t he smoke that lingers above conv,eras,--------tions and weaves be d,, tween the textu--------res of the deep green trees and their abundant philosophical relatab======le language and you fall into their ro000000000ots, you drUUUUUug their holes and youuuuuu lOOOOOve the earth the same way you love a compliment
Ahhh yeahhh!!!,you're looking the best you have in your life
there is a melody somewhere in the background but your attention is on the person in from of you, the enthusiasm in their voice, and how quickly you are able to agree with them
anticipate like disneyt, tpoets businesses, bartenders, bar menders, cleansers inspectors interpreters judgmenters allocate the spenders reaching out for new vendeor whose the best the lesser??
LET ME GOOOOOOOOO
its warm man, you have a smoke?
swomen, lights, some monument sky high lithe buddah lights little u[p with orange with luck on straight spinnings what was that? take another drink, hey whats your name? I'm from california you like surfing politics I odn'tk know I need to meet my friend
fix fix fix do I need to finish that paper? fixixixifiixx what will my mother say????
you met another guy who is dancing with a girl and he is cool and he is gesturing towards you with his glass of champagne and you
tilt up ystaree he cbottole of beer, but his kindness lingers as you stare into your glass andI smile when? wrong time go away fog forward gly He cracks a really funny joke about your smile
HAHAHHAHAAH
The movie, the movie, those time when I am removed from things and the

My mind balloons and its... delicious

dyin'

    

we call livin' we


all the

(you yes


         andi  the


              whole)

we're
ya know

but

we call
dyin'
livin'
cuz

it's prettier
to think

but
to think

is
dyin'

(i know

    and i know

       i know it i



                           you



                                      the





                                                      whole






                                                                                     and





                                                                                       it

I know ki bada kuj change ** gea he thuhadi life wich
*** mere lai thuhadi life wich koi jagah  nai he

heena ji par is baar kuj alag he
apna breakup pehla bi hoea
kai baar hoea
viah thuhda pehla bi fix hoea c
us time ena nai c feel hoea jina is baar ** reha

fati pai he meri
paralysis da attack tak hoea thuhade viah to agle din
4 din hospital admit reha ha

meri kidney ne kam band kr dita c over drinking krke.
me kade drink ni kiti but is baar kiti
rajj ke drink kiti

heena me lakh bura ha
par pata ni is baar bahut kuj alag he
daily ro reha ha
raat 2 nu waje son reha ha bcz u r coming in my thoughts
te neend nai andi
swere 4 waje akh khu jandi he te bcz u di yaad a jandi

i know ki *** kuj ni ** sakda
bcz me kita bura u naal
par pachta reha ha
mar reha ha
maut bi nai a rahi menu sali

kiwe seh paunga eh dukh sari jindagi
samj ni anda sala

Yaar seriously. You have ****** me badly.
Eni buri tara naal fat rahi meri
Me das nai sakda
Daily regrets
Daily rona
Daily ehi kam
** gea
Morning de 4 waje hoye ne
Nd me ehi tehi krwa reha thuhanu soch soch ke
Bhenchod nu ik war bi meri yaad nai andi honi
Te me ethe lea marwa reha apni

Koi na putt, din mere bi aau. Bhawe thode din lagu
Putt jinni fat rahi na meri, tuci samj nai sakde
Menu ena bi lata ki tuci meria eh gallan read bi nai krde
Lod bi ki he
Meri aukat bi ki c u dj kife wich
Saliye kade meri value pai bi c?
Agar pain hundi ta ah din na dekhda me
Me thuhanu bi barabar da kasuurbaar samjda ha is takleef lai
Koi na putt, thoda time de
Dekh bina bole te bina kuj kahe kiwe tadpaun tenu jiwe aj me tadap reha

****** up yaar, i hate it

I want     out of here
I’m a     caged man
and I want to be released
I want to be
free
I play you my little
note
and I write the little word
to express the
anger
yet      I am     stil l  l here
andI cannot escape_

I want to dance
I want to dance
I want to dance to something

that makes me feel good
that lets the night go strong
that lets things get out of hand
i want it to be wild
and I want there to be paint(((((((((((
splattered all over everything
and I will have
the purples, the reds, and the greens
I am ready to take on the pressure
I am ready to take out the load
here, show me, let it out me
let the outsources show more income than the in courses
and let the meal present itself such a way
that I will feast
and when it starts to wind down
when it starts to become something I can simmer in
it will be
done
/////////////

Sweet tears drop signs
emotions corrupt a hot lovely day
short skirt washed away as the waves speak of hypnotizing solitude
Lips plumped and embodies sin
Forever it seems our skin is blushing
Torn around
Washed up in fiery sin
Yummy lips andI edible skin
Merry Christmas Brianna that dive bar was mindfully exquisite!

Yaad ni nAi andi meri?