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Prairieland grass--
bent over towards the ground
by the dry, Fall winds,
as the subtle warmth
  of a teasing Sun..

Submits itself to the
now impending Winter..
where grass and seed
sleep in dormancy
as the subzero wind
prepares the ground  
to receive  snow.. upon snow
upon snow.

..And there is this temptation
to draw feelings   and conclusions
from any one certain  part
   of the whole.

And those feelings and conclusions..
                             --they feel so very real

Because they were based upon  the real;
but only a part of the beautiful whole..
and though,  even  one part of the whole
is as real as every single  other part..

It is  in itself, incomplete.
Just as the bent-over prairiegrass
under the snow  is incomplete..

It is Spring now..  sweet, struggling Angel

All things become new.

I remember in the mornings
   Waking up
With your arms around my head
You told me you can sleep forever
And I'll still hold you then

Now the weather's getting colder
It's even cold down here
And the words that you have told me
Hang frozen in the air

And sometimes I look right through them
As if they were not there

There is a love..
that is measured  in years
the years..  in seasons
The seasons.. in days,  then hours..

.. even minutes.
in class
and between our shared secrets
it is raining and i love you
you kiss me
you kissed me
i remember because i wrote it
in my journal

02/02 ; he kissed me

sitting on the edge of the tub
as you give yourself a buzzcut
i watch your hair fall, a sacred
part of you
you grew it for months just to **** it

it’s raining it’s raining
you’re coming in like thunder
and i’ve lost all my weight
i’m a half ghostly apparition
and half flowers growing in sin

‘i wish my self off this earth’ i say
you tell me to get over it
that’s love and it’s raining

my agonies are private matters
but i shared them
with my thunder man
who comes rolling down
a hill
and the skies turned dark
the clouds came
these black beasts
but i am good
i am loved i think
so the rain comes again
and your eyes drift so easily now
april ends
this will end too i know it now

sorrow is older and wiser
than the rain
than the thunder
than him

i was beautiful in the dark
someone wanted me
through worlds,
    & worlds
someone wanted me.

Vancouver Bay, viewed out the front
window, as out the back door,
the snowcapped Olympics loom..
A beautiful ocean breeze  here
in Port Angeles.. and amazing
warmth,  in the sun.

Hours long visits with my Mother
yesterday and today.. and then us
finding a long lost cousin  on
ancestry .  com  when we get  back
to the house. Pictures of dad there
when he was young before the war.
Stories and memories  from Mom
about before  and after, everything
went bad.

And pictures, pictures, pictures
of before it went bad..

      but none after.

I feel the distance  of the memories
but not the pain. I hold Momma close
within the knowledge  that nothing
whatsoever  has a hold on me. Elaine
is serving meals and catering to
our mother in her Rainman-like
attempt, to keep all her pain at bay;

    She is flesh of my flesh..
    blood.. of my blood.
    There with me  from the beginning--

    amidst the horrors  far beyond
    a child's innocent vocabulary
    to describe.

Back home she opens up
ancestry . com again  as Harlan talks
about his adoption  and attempt at
reconnection with his blood family,
once he finds out who they are.  Few
even want to acknowledge his  existence.

   The distant cousin of ours
   wants to tell Elaine about Dad
  right after the war.

After she responds, I **** on her
leg and then wave another, directly her way.
She's trying  to keep from laughing
as she fakes throwing up.

   I **** on her one more time
   just to show her who's boss..

She's like a machine  in her need
to take care of Mom. We take pictures
when again,  back over there..
I keep messing the timer up
on my phone's camera,
I think Mom wants to be left alone.

I don't think Mom ever
wants to be left alone.

She straight-arms me when I try
to help her up from the table.
I step back,  
but don't take it personally.
Back on the couch..  she's
she's cranky now, because the
current New York times  arrived
with a tear. She opens up the
business section and I tell her
Warren Buffett is my new boss.
She's very pleased with his ownership
of our company, and then immerses
herself into her newspaper.

   Elaine says its time to go.

She will ask Elaine again tomorrow
morning if I was really here..  or
was it her imagination. I will show
her again tomorrow that I am very
real. There have been horrors  beyond
description. There are years and years
and years,  of my letting go.

Back at the house, I sit on the front
steps and stare out at the bay.
Victoria Island is beautiful.
The Olympic Mountains are breathtaking.
Time with Harlan and Elaine  as the
sun goes down. I wave a **** one more time,  
her way.. for good measure.  
She brings me Rocky Road ice cream  
because she remembers its my favorite.
I muster up one more **** her way
before heading off to bed.

She comments about my strength.

Back down in the guestroom,
you are on top of me--
your beautiful thighs  straddling my hips..
You've been working out, beautiful girl
that firm ***..  feeling so incredible
in my hands..
You ease your beautiful, warm wet
slowly..  down on to me
in your desire to  bring about
   for each of us..
   the most beautiful,  deep release.

You kiss me deeply,  as our bodies  writhe
in deep ******--
Beautiful ****,  to my chest
as I pulse the warmth  of my *****
deeply,   in to you..

"This is the death  of all death, beautiful girl"..
I whisper into your weary spirit
as your beautiful *****..  gushes deeply
all over my warm, pulsing  flesh.

..And suddenly  we are *******
in the warm,  pouring rain--

       You are overcoming, beautiful girl.


..and I have become addicted as ****.

my mother says love is for
women on darker paths
it is uncalculated, barbaric, lustful

i tell my mothers words to the girl down the street,
hushed whispers, morning heat blaring down on us, the contemptuous ***** and the ****** pure.

but at night i conjure up a lover
from the cold air of my room
to the tapestry on my walls
my hands clenched and sweating
as if it is blasphemous,
and in the dark i tell him to purify me.

      'You said,  
     "Someday I'm gonna break your heart",
      the first time that we met--

     Were you warning me..

     ..or just seeing how close I'd get?'

If you didn't want to exist  in the heart
of a man like me, then you shouldn't have
allowed your scrapper little spirit  
    to write the way you do.

And I was so naughty--  so very intentioned  
in all of my obscenely-truthful lies..
I told you it was all your  fault
        that you got in so quickly

         --and   it  was.

I got you back, though
I knew it the moment you let on
that you had fallen  deeply  in love..   not with me..
but with the love that had so deeply  fallen
for every-thing about you

And so,  it increased..  but at such a strange distance.
But even then,  the years only perfected  

   and strengthened..

   until lately..  
                      until lately..

     'We lay down in a lover's sigh
     As a million years of time rolled by
     How can I be hoping that it's not over yet?'

     I wasn't done, young Andi..
     no..   no..   far from it

You see.. there's this shame-thing
I wanted to flood  with light.
I'm getting so close  to finding the words
     that have never been heard  
     in this world before

    (And now.. and now.. and now..)

     'I can't hold on to the night
     Things change, ain't nothin' ever stays the same
     You're gone as far as I can see

     If you feel like letting go
     Honey, I don't wanna be the last to know

    ( I wanna hold on tight to the sweet memory
        of you loving  me)'

Let the good times find their own way home
I'd kiss you goodbye but you're already gone
Cryin' now.. just  tryin' now to wash me away

When you look back on the times we've had
Let the good ones wash away the bad
Don't look back on these bitter words
  we spoke today

I can't hold on to the night
Things change, ain't nothin' ever stays the same
You're gone as far as I can see

If you feel like letting go
Honey, I don't wanna be the last to know
I wanna hold on tight to the sweet memory
   of you loving  me

don't go

don't go

don't go

What is it about that elusive word?
I will throw my arms around it,

          --if it could only  become
                   tangible  to me.

             Children sit in families..
(and there was bonding from the beginning)

I don't know what that means

I don't know  how that feels..

I   don't..


                              I ...   don't...



                  I ..


Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Long way from my home

Sometimes I wish I could fly
Like a bird up in the sky
Oh, sometimes I wish I could fly
Fly like a bird up in the sky
Sometimes I wish I could fly
Like a bird up in the sky
Closer to my home

Motherless children have a hard time
Motherless children have-a such a hard time
Motherless children
have such a really  hard time
A long way from home

Sometimes I feel like freedom is near
Sometimes I feel like freedom is here
Sometimes I feel like freedom is so near

But we're so far from home

#owies   :(
  Apr 30 F Unting Cuckface
The dark room
forgets the stars
and venus, I fished in her moons
baited the page empty
to be more mysterious

fading into the ocean
in splashes of blue, I saw you

In spring
I planted tomatoes
too close to the jalapeños
and they married

Blessed was that marriage
and fruitful, every bite
was salsa in my mouth

Dissolving spice
leaves its prints
like time clapping upwards
a granite hill

on the other side, a bridge
between dusk and dawn
rocks the wind
has flung open the doors

The sheets cannot be retrieved
lifting high into the summer air
curling out over the barren fields

blackbirds glide into view
against the darkening clouds
they toss themselves among
the fading landscape of the sky
like pepper, or my dark dusty curtains
flapping in the cross breeze
falling to pieces, quietly

The cat ran away
It's been months
since I opened a book
or felt the sun

tracks across the sky

leaving its fire behind
hiding its face
in the dark somewhere
between the stars

© Copyright naǧí August 2016
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