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a soul history is like the caligraphy of dunes
the psyche toiling its dark materials
sketching shadows from imagination
the cabaret of desire contemplating all the wonderful trivial terrible beings you can be. a wave in my mind you are
between the visible and invisible man the wisdom of the shamans

I walk on streets, I see things, I touch hands suffering from imagination deficit disorder. sometimes I have thoughts in reverse
but I cage my heart in this shrine of memory while
I am looking for you dawn by dawn, bird by bird
It’s time
I’ve been activated
Systems coming online
Nerves buzzing
Electric fingernails
Prickle the scalp

This morning
Was the last of its kind
The wheel of change turns
Revealing a strange  new dawn
Nothing will ever
Be The same
1:11 on 5/5/24
i dream of
an awkward
first kiss
that starts
at my forehead
and gravitates
to my lips

i can see
a shared smile
and hear
a childish
echoing between us
as we say
“**** the universe”
and we throw away
all the past things
we’d rehearsed
because, let’s face it
the us we’ve been
has been cursed
and the world around us
has been pointing
so many signs
trying to lead us
to each other
but somehow
we’ve still never touched
never kissed
never licked
never ******
maybe deep down
we know it’d
be too much
and we’d both
just melt
into puddles
and remain
as mush

but whenever
i tell my heart
to hush
it talks back
all sassy
like a teen girl
to her mother
saying “idgaf”
and like
girl, i get it
i am it
i live it

why do i try
and then run
out of luck?

hockey puck


i’m a frog
and i am
too afraid
to strut my stuff
i have become
a worm
so many times
falling victim to my own
mistakes and poor choices
and allowing myself to shrivel up
into something pathetic
and ugly

i have been told
and convinced i’m worthless
that i can’t do it
on my own
and i keep
that little worm
over and over again

the prospect
of building a future
scares me much more
than the idea
of death

i haven’t given up yet
but the dark thoughts
are consistently swimming
around in my weary head

you see someone
worth saving
you see past the ugly
and help me to realize
that there could be
something better for me
that maybe i can do it on my own
that maybe i have a chance
to actually live for once
instead of just existing
i’m going to keep clicking
my heels
until i find
myself a home
connecting with you
on this level
of openness
has really helped me
to learn
and relearn
a lot of things
about myself

i have tucked away
so much
to try
and fit
the lives
of the people
i’ve loved
over the years

whether friends,
or partners
i try to be open
in the beginning
and if i really
like the person
and they seem offended
or turned off
by something
i mention,
i usually weigh the decision
of whether to keep
the person
keep the habit

but it’s so different
with you
we’re just
two freaks of nature
who seem to click
in the weirdest
and most fun ways

even when
we tell each other
really ****** up ****
it doesn’t send
the other running

if anything
i feel like the ways
we’ve been able
to open up
have brought us
way closer together

it’s now
or forever
or something

i dunno, babe

i’ve been drinking

****, i love you

but what am i thinking?
i want
to see
the world
before i die

i want to
all sorts
of adventures
and learn
to feel

i spent
my early years
focused on trying
to keep
my mom happy
with me
so there’d
no dying

then after
being there
for my dad
when he
had cancer
and was really sick
he got better
but for
his mental
there was
no answer

moving on
to being
by men
that were
far beyond
my years
and really good
at spreading

to make me
feel worthless
as they’d
break me
a disgusting
of goo

**** those
in my
that tried
their best
to break me down
gummy worm

yet sweet
but always
in a way
filled with
a sarcastic
but somewhat honest
lil ****
who thinks
way too much
to ever fully forget
what she
can’t say

and then
i stayed
and married
the only
decent guy
i ever

no hatred
but we don’t
the same heat
and the burns
we wish to share
are too
and discreet
to be
and sweet

i want to
move forward
with my life
and the feelings
in which
i’ve participated
but i get
so overwhelmed
about how much
go into
the changes
i want to

and it makes me
just feel like
giving up
i am trapped
so much
of the time

i won’t be
fully yours
as you’re
a little bit
of mine

and time…
yeah, **** time

sand drops
as my brain
more insane
and my dreams
are all
of you
and how you’re
My own Personal Playground of Persistent Pandemonium
******* People off Passionately,
Playing more than just a Part in their Problem
Picking Particular Pieces to Pack this Prolific Poem
Pulling off a Perfectly Perceived Premise
Until your Placement becomes your Permissive Prison
Poetic justice, I've got a Poetic license,
Permitting Primitive Primate like Procedures
Possible only because Perplexed Principles Prematurely, albeit Permanently, Pick Pungent Practices
Primarily Planning Precarious Peril, Priming Painful Predicaments
Publishing Print on Paper
Pent-up Paranoia Pushing Profane Prophecies
Probably Protruding Past Popular Perception
Preventing Pint sized Pea brains from Polluting People who Ponder their Planetary Purpose instead of Perfection
Parallel Planes Pairing Probable Permissive Propaganda
Providing Precision on Par with Polaroid Picture Panorama
This Pricey Psyche showing Persistence Prevails
But can't Press Pause
So Please hear my Plea,
Pretty Please,
Permit me the Power to Permanently Purge the Piercing Pain
To Ponder no longer the Placated Pointlessness of the Puzzle and Put away Pandora's box
To Promptly Procure my Place beyond Purgatory
As Promised

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