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I am in love.
But who's to say with what?

I never seem to have two feet on the ground,
both feet stumbling in a mad frenzy
to right myself.
Head over heels
in the most literal metaphor.

I think i am just in love with people,
the way they exist in a world of their own,
the way their shoulders move with each breath,
the perfect little moments of humanity in every stumble
every fumbled word and clumsy hands.
It's beautiful.
And real.

I have spent so much of my life
faking, and pretending to be someone
perfect
that maybe,
what i really need,
is to fall in love
with something just a little bit
real.
My first poem in about a year.
reading my old ones has really been a cathartic experience...
i see just how much i've grown and recovered and i am so proud of myself.
Things are changing,
Slowly.
Slowly.

Nothing drastic,
Nothing worth note,
But things are still changing -
Slowly.

I've been catching smiles,
Catching sight of it,
And I think I'm finally getting there
Slowly.
Slowly.

And it's taken all this time,
But now I'm here,
I don't know how to feel -
An old chapter of my life has been left to burn
And I suddenly feel left in the open,
So I think I'm going to have to take things
Slowly.

slowly.

Just for the moment.
:)
Today,
one of my friends told me
'you look different.'

At first,
I didn't take note;
I was messed up and it's just one of those things;
I didn't have my glasses
and my hair looked different to how I usually style it.
'no,' she said, 'it's not that...'
but,
then I heard it again;
'you look different.'

I didn't know what else to say but;
'that's the second time I've heard that this morning! ha ha',
laughing off the funny coincidence.
I asked her what was different,
but she too couldn't say...

No one could tell me what it was,
but everyone I asked,
they all said it,
all of my closest friends
and someone I barely know anymore.

'you look different.'

and,
I was talking to my friend about it,
when I jokingly said;
'well maybe I'm just happier than usual! ha ha'
but she looked kinda sad.
My other friend said
'wait, relax your face',
so I did.
'yeah, that's it!'

'you look different.'

'no,' I thought 'you just aren't used to seeing me happy'
this has been my day, it was way above average, so even though this happened, I really had a great day. I hope you guys can say that you laughed as much as I did :)
I want to scream.

no,
I need to scream.

Because crying can only get you so far
in the destruction of yourself
that after a couple hours,
it seems pointless.

I want to put a blade to my thighs
and cut.
I want to find a bottle
and drink.
I want to buy a gun
and point the barrel to the roof of my stupid mouth

and pull the trigger.

Some may call me impulsive,
some may call me an attention seeker
- as many I know have -
but I'm really just desperate.
That's all.
I'm just desperate for a release from the hell that I've created
that is spiralling way out of my control,
and has been for ten years of my short life.

I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow.
I really wouldn't.
Because I know that if I did,
my family would have one less thing to cry over at dinner time.

And, yes,
I know that they would cry at first,
but then they'd move on with their lives,
onto things that actually make them happy;

My mum could get home from work and not have to deal with my mood swings, making her cry.
And my sister would be able to focus on her talents without the burden of her little sister there, constantly holding her back and messing her up.
And my dad, would be able to stop pretending to be OK when I shut down his attempts at making me smile, which makes him depressed.

I can see what I'm doing,
and I want to scream.

I need to scream,
because if I don't,

I don't know how to stop this hell.
10/06/18
I'm *******,
in absolute tears
and wishing that I could take it back.
I want to just curl up
and blast music into my eardrums,
but I don't have my earphones
because they're in the same room as you.
And I cant just go in there,
pick them up and leave,
and I can't just listen to music without them;
it seems almost disrespectful
to do anything but
sit in my pitch-black room.
In silence.
That is what people will expect of me,
and I can't break the silence.
Even the sound of the buttons on my keyboard
are too loud that I'm scared someone will hear
and hate me even more than they do now.

God,
I'm such an idiot
.

Why do I always do this?
people are just trying to be nice,
friendly, supportive.
They're my parents for ****'s sake!
why cant I manage to get out a sentence
that doesn't make my mother leave the kitchen table
so that she doesn't have to cry in front of her daughters?
That doesn't stop me from knowing though.
And all the while I spit venom from my mouth,
I think to myself;
you *******, you *******, you ******* *******,
look what you did.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
Why can't I just accept that I'm bad for everyone I love
and just cut to the chase
and **** myself
before anyone else gets hurt?
Another stupid argument. this could be about literally any day though, because this exact scenario happens at least five times a week.
- 10/06/18
have you ever just lay in bed,
crying you heart out,
hugging a pillow because there is no one else who loves you,
and just prayed for everything to just
slow down?
I wish I could make things,
better.
I wish I -
why is this so.
Hard, I don't understand
why?

What was it about -
her.
Me. You. Said that I -  
I don't even.
Understand what -
I don't even know what,
I am going.
To.

Why did it,
have to be like.
This, I never.
We never -
could we just.
Try and. fix,
things. I don't.
I.
I don't, know.

I don't
know how to.
to, to -  
breathe.
I don't -

breathe.
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