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Jun 2014 · 1.6k
A Romanticist' Suicide
Jal Bird Jun 2014
Living is often like drowning, and sleeping like flying,
So bridges and tall buildings always tempt me.
When I talk about death I feel brave.
I've always hated how recognition can so easily turn into pride.
They say pride comes before the fall,
But I believe that various kinds of self-centeredness are the origin of all unholy descents.
I remind myself that I shouldn't take my life because I didn't give it,
And my heart continues to beat on its own.
Blood doesn't stain crimson red,
It darkens and crusts on the skin.
Everything that is dead becomes only a memory,
Then it disintegrates and washes away, eventually becoming nothing.
I can’t remember anything from before I had the ability to reason,
So when did I come alive?
I wonder if all people valued beauty,
Would there be peace?
Because I sometimes wonder whether Neil Armstrong meant to say what he did as took his first step on the moon.
I think trying is as valuable as doing,
But justification is a dangerous tool.
I am cautious of failure and success;
But count this as my eulogy
A list of things that I am going to say before my untimely death.
*I recognized the world for the canvas it was and I didn't waste my life.
My dreams were my motivation,
And they were fueled by those that underestimated me
I walked streets day and night and prayed that I would somehow run into the girl of my dreams,
and when I finally found my missing rib I looked at her like she was a piece of art that I just couldn't keep my eyes off of.
I suffered and I found its nectar bitter-sweet.
I didn't get the best of life, but then I made the best of life.
I never stopped caring,
my love for the unlovable made me daring.
I trusted too easily so I was always broken.
I always found things to love, but they never loved me,
But despite it, I still loved, hard, even though it hurt me.
I couldn't comfort because I had never been comforted.
After a lifetime of battling myself, I finally took off my crown of thorns.
I didn't let the past get the best of me,
I gave the future all of me.
I hated animosity,
War was despicable to me,
And I always preached peace.
I prayed constantly that my efforts would not be in vain.
I never actually could stop sinning,  but despite my ugly sins, I never stopped straining.
I was not perfect, but I did the best I could.
I never ceased to hear the music.
I still played, even when I felt like I was playing solo, I still played my part in this symphony of life.
My eyes were aimed at the director, and we played through the storm,
We played even when all hell was against us,
We played, and played, and played
Until eternity came through.....
May 2014 · 1.4k
I Never Asked to Exist
Jal Bird May 2014
Whisper, whisper but I can still hear you.
Your eyes tell it all.
You don't even know me and you don't even care. It's people like you who ****** onto me a two ton weight that kept me from walking tall all these years.
It's people like you that ignited a feeling of torment for the unrelenting realization that I will never escape people’s stares.
Days like these I wonder why, friends aren't friends and everything seems like a lie.
“I never asked to exist”, (words that echo through my head every time someone falls from exceptional to unbearable) .
You don't have the courtesy to talk behind my back, instead you boldly break me with your tacks; tacking your words onto my skin, until my pride and self-worth wears thin.
That’s why on weekends I would sometimes cage myself in my room because though I was not free, I was at least free from your gazes, and though I was not living, at least I was alive.
I stayed inside because outside there were wolves and I refused to be a meal. I've seen what they do to their prey, cornering, growling in order to strike fear, battling with their eyes, and then they consume them until all that is left, are bones.
This is what they do,
and many of us can attest to their brutality.
May 2014 · 1.8k
Refugees in Search of Refuge
Jal Bird May 2014
As we walk,
The grass bends beneath our feet,
The stars whisper secrets we do not understand,
And the wind beckons us towards something.

What is it? We don't know, but keep walking south.

South toward good days with plenty, in a pursuit of peaceful nights, with good men, and fulfilled dreams.

We walk this desert in hope of escaping this conflict we were born into,
in order to find rebirth through those coming after us and from us.

So we walk.

Walking against the grains of sand, looking for better days, with better way.

Such is the nature of our journey.

We swim in a sea of uncertainty, praying not to drown.

Capturing every moment so that it will not be forgotten, so our story can one day be told.

We appreciate cuts and bruises along our way so that even when we grow old they will tell of our journey.

I turn towards my wife who carries our unborn child, and I tell her, "We will name her 'our hope'."

And she will know how we gave up our discomfort for her sake, how her presence brought us a state of determination and stubbornness.

How she gave us hope.

When she is young she will see our well worn feet disfigured by distance and hellish conditions.

She will ask in astonishment, "What, happened?"

And we will tell her of our journey.

But she will see but not understand that we carry the weight of the past in our feet.

That our walk is still heavy and are days are always long.

Yet eventually she will see Him through our suffering, because even though our trials are not as great, our feet are like his hands and feet, they are an image of sacrifice.
May 2014 · 1.1k
Schizophrenia
Jal Bird May 2014
Brother I need you to promise me this,

Promise me that whatever the voices say, you will not take your life,

Promise me that though they tell you to leave home, you will not listen

Promise me that you won't abandon me, because I won't be able to bear it.

Do you remember when we were young?

As you would make your way around the house, pacing like your life depended on it, I don't know if you ever realized that I was your shadow, but I followed you around faithfully.

In my eyes we were the tag team duo, the nonidentical twins, the inseparable combination that was going to tackle the world together.

But now you're distant.

When I am on the ground, pinned down by the weight of reality, you don't jump in.

You asked me once, "Do you think souls can talk?"

I couldn't answer you then, but now I know.

They do talk.

You just couldn't here mine as you were walking away into the night without a single glance towards me.

The demons in the crowd are cheering, the referee is counting down, and I am losing.

The world is not bearable, not without you.

I am so afraid....

I cannot express how it feels to watch as my other half becomes more unreachable. As his reason fades, and his ability to be reasoned with following after. I can't stand to look in the mirror just to see you walking away.

But I pray that before you disappear, you might turn back and see me. You won't say anything and neither will I. But in the roar of the crowd, through the fog clouding your mind, before you leave, you will hear my soul speak.
May 2014 · 877
More Than Animals
Jal Bird May 2014
Sometimes I spread my hands to the sky certain that they can grasp the stars but they can't, yet I keep reaching anyways.

And there's something beautiful about spinning on a field when the only thing visible is the night sky, and the only thing insignificant is you.

When I was young the thought of the world revolving around the sun intrigued me, and those moments somehow made me feel at one with the world.

Spin, spin, spinning, but then I would stop and my feet could no longer keep up with pace of my head, so I’d go flying in all directions just like disillusioned men when they go stumbling down streets unfamiliar to them.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is the way it is because it is in chaos and no one even knows.

Like somehow everyone is at a disadvantage,

Like no mind is sober because of a natural disposition pinned against us by gravity.

What if that is why men do the things they do, because I always wonder under what spirit do they operate, what demons have they encountered, that cause them to be possessed with this hate that makes *** slaves of the unfortunate, orphans of the unprepared, single mothers of the lovers, victims of our children, and on and on and on and on again.

Life just keeps moving and we just keep making the same mistakes. generations pass, people die but no one understands that we are just animals, caught in a war against ourselves.

Against our greed, our pride, our lust, our security, our beliefs.

We are so full of ourselves that we don't notice what is happening around us, we don't know that the world is spinning at 1000 mph; we have lost touch with the things that matter, lost all connections with the truth in the sky that enlightens anyone who dares to approach it.

always forgetting that it is the beauty of the moon, and the millions of stars that remind us that We Are Insignificant

But instead we are grounded and we have stopped so our feet cannot keep up with the pace of our heads so we have lost our balance.

You know I'm afraid, I'm afraid for my life.

On morbid days I envision myself in my coffin, I see my lifeless body and the pastor walking up to the podium, he says,
"Jal, he was an average man, maybe a bit eccentric, tragedy struck and this young man was taken away from us way too early by the devastating actions of an unidentified person.”

I watch the whole funeral and in curiosity I wonder which belief was it that killed me, or was it something outside my control like the color of my skin.

You see most people pray to be put down while they are sleeping by the famous killer, old age, but I don't know if I'll make it that long.
I've always said I want to be fully aware of the moment I die.

That's why when I was young on family road trips, when the only thing I could see was the 350 ft. ahead of the car illuminated by the headlights, and the determined face of my father, I would fight to stay awake because I couldn't let death take me by surprise.

But now I'm eighteen I occasionally have nightmares of my loved ones dying, but then again I don't really sleep anymore because death threatens to come at any moment.

A terrorist attack could shatter the windows of this house I consider impenetrable, or even a hungry thief thinking irrationally about his rationality.

This is the world we live in.

The world is spinning off its axis and things that used to seem so far have slid closer and closer, until I’m looking right into the eyes of death.

From 9-11, to Westgate, to genocide, things are closing in on me, and the “what ifs” are no longer so improbable and I am afraid.

I'm afraid that the world will never change, that people will stay the same, that I will go insane.

I’m going insane.

Could people just understand, could we just stop for a moment, grab each other’s hands and walk to open fields together at twilight after all traces of the sun have gone, could we whirl around with our heads to the skies, our nature abandoned, and our bodies in sync with the world,

Could we just spin and spin and spin until we once again become what we were made to be.

Could we just be more than animals?
May 2014 · 749
A Rythmic Secret
Jal Bird May 2014
You bring your head closer to my chest,
And as my heart beats against your eardrums ,
It makes a kind of music only the two of us can hear.
Jal Bird May 2014
Your perception of me pre-existed, you saw black and you felt danger, you saw my skin and with it painted a personality from the prejudice of your mind.

You don’t know me, yet you assume that I am just like every other dark skinned man out there.

So that is why I feel angry when you cram yourself in the corner of elevators, if you could only realize I am the one who is truly backed into a corner, provoked by your ignorance, until I become what you painted me.

With your judging eyes, cautious smiles, and nervous actions you made me this way when in the beginning I was just me. Now after all you have done, and all I have done, I’m just trying to be me again.
I just want to be me.
May 2014 · 617
Lamenting the Dead
Jal Bird May 2014
Millions of daughters, sons, fathers, mothers, lost in this pointless thing us humans call war.
We’re the only species capable to forcefully make itself extinct.
Child after child,
The blood of the innocent has flooded the land they ruthlessly fight for.
Soldier after soldier,
Risking their lives for a cause that led to years of horror they never planned for.
Jealously seeking power, and coveting each other.
When will they realize that strength is for service not status,
That the very first death was between a man and his brother,
That the deeds of the father always affect the son,
And that when two elephants fight...
It’s always the grass that suffers.
May 2014 · 834
War
Jal Bird May 2014
War
I haven't slept for two days now. The nights pass by slowly as I am in deep thought, my grandmother’s radio plays at full volume in the other room, and my parents and uncle talk loudly into the ears of their loved ones an ocean away.
I hear my father tell his brother to search for his son among the bodies of the dead, I hear my mother asking for the latest news and picture her standing there holding her breathe as she listens to the tired frantic voice of the person on the other end of the line, and I play the scene over and over again where my grandmother walks slowly into my room, with a back, hunched because of years of hard labor. She stares at me with a wrinkled face and a look in her eyes that I recall seeing only a few times but only when she speaks of her past, during the rough times.
She asks me if I know what's going on, and I tell her yes. Then she begins to summarize anyways, speaking in a lowered voice so that is just above a whisper enunciating each word clearly and I understand despite the usual misunderstandings between me and her, I nod my head, and release noises known worldwide to reassure someone who is speaking that the audience is listening.
And as her words become separated by seconds that tell stories in themselves, and that look in her eyes, she says in a grave voice and in a language that seems so familiar yet foreign, “chi we dak, chi we dak” then she turns around and walks out of the room in the same fashion in which she came in.
I ponder her words as I sit there.
“The world has broken, the world has broken.”
May 2014 · 638
The Words
Jal Bird May 2014
From the moment the words splash onto the page I feel excitement like the night before Christmas. I sit collecting the thoughts and lines I conjured throughout the day, then eagerly place each piece until the puzzle is whole.
I like to imagine I have a way with words, but that's not true. I have a way of rebelling to what's been told. Unscripted lies placed in our heads by society. Schemes to make us believe we are supposed to put everything second because being “cool” is priority. Or blend in with the crowd or else you'll get pushed, shoved, and then stomped on. Until creativity is a negative connotation, they **** individualism which then gives birth to stereotypes.
I like to think I have a way of words, but that's not true. Every word has power. Though they can often be used to pierce and bruise. Tattered and misused. Each time they come out your mouth or bleed ink, paint or graphite. That's your mark and the impression you leave for the entire world to see.
I like to think I have a way with words, but that's not true. I just love a canvas to portray the good parts of me, the bad parts of me. The parts filled with animosity, fear, and definitely aren't god breathed. Just to show that sometimes I falter, so don't ever follow me.
I like to think I have a way with words, but that's not true. I'm just grabbing the torch and running with it. It's a calling not a choice. It chooses you as a vessel. The words came to me when I had nothing else, they took me under their wings and showed me destiny. The words mold me, shape me, and build me up. Give me courage to speak up.
I like to think I have a way with words, but that’s not true. The giddy feeling I get when I hear them calling to me at night, keeping me from sleep, or waking me abruptly in the morning like a cold refreshing shower just waiting to energize and excite me always reminds me that though I like to think I have a way with words, it’s not true... Words have a way with me.
May 2014 · 767
The Bind
Jal Bird May 2014
The day is done,
The night has won,
The wind howls,
And the cold growls,
Loneliness creeps on and I have no one to lean on.
The past comes back to mind,
And I’m convinced I will never break its bind.
May 2014 · 1.6k
The Butterfly Effect
Jal Bird May 2014
The Butterfly flew
And left a storm in its wake,
If only it knew.
May 2014 · 624
What of the dead?
Jal Bird May 2014
And what of the dead.
they disappear suddenly,
but they are only gone after months and years have passed, once the living have forgotten.
They live in the darkest furthest parts of our minds, and it's on the coldest nights that we remember them,
in tears we resurrect the dead from their sleep.
Bringing them alive once again in our minds until old scents once taken for granted fill our nostrils, and blurry faces flash before our eyes,
and we mistake distant noises for the calls of our dead loved ones... Whispering our names as twilight approaches.
And it is in this twilight that we fret, when there is neither daylight nor darkness, when all things are suspended in a moment that calls for reminiscing.
Remembering, remembering, because we hate to forget. Hate to let their memories slip away so that we cannot recollect them when loneliness is descending upon us.
But they fade through generations and slowly they are forgotten, because the unforgettable are no longer remembered by the ones who can’t forget, because the ones who can’t forget pass away, and the ones who can't forget are forgotten by those who are forgetful.
So soon and sooner than we think they are gone forever, like a breeze in summer they will be forgotten in winter,
like falling stars that hold so much hope, disappearing off the horizon leaving you,
like birds soaring in the sky, a sight to see until they fly further and further away until your eyes lose them in the altitude and they are gone forever.
Only then do the dead truly disappear.
May 2014 · 8.0k
The Waves
Jal Bird May 2014
The waves subside,
And my reflection stares down on me.
He bids me come,
To come and find rest.
I lean in until my nose just breaks through the surface of the air,
Looking into his eyes.
I whisper words I partially believe,
"I'd come join you, but my suffering isn't done"
Then the waves gather,
And I enter the next storm,
All the while contemplating his words,
All the while breathing in these salty ocean waters.
May 2014 · 838
The Playground
Jal Bird May 2014
They asked me, "Why are you crying?"
I told them, "My eyes are sensitive."
They asked, "To what?"
I said, "To the wind."
They walked away and I knew they would never understand.
They've seen clear, sunny skies,
They've been living in paradise.
I've been in a storm,
just trying to find a place to protect my eyes.

— The End —