i miss writing so much
pouring my thoughts
loving writing
i've lost you and
now i found you

every day i always find a reason to live
but it seems like
every day i was given a reason to end it

that i forget you

**** me so hard
that i never look back on you

**** me so hard
that tomorrow
i’ll forget myself too

and when you think about love
you need not worry
to speak your language
for that someone could simply
understand you
no translations needed

you see my *******
but what i want you to see
is what lies beyond the
skin and ribcage
i want you to see
my heart
and how it yearns for
the admiration of who i am
and not what you see

your fingers pull my hair
but you never seem to reach out
to the mind thats endlessly
aching for you to remember

that i am not an object
made for pleasure

i am human with a mind and soul.

but you’ll see my *******,
you’ll remember the scent of my hair
you’ll touch me in places
that will only give you
a moment of satisfaction
and never a lifetime of contentment

you will finger me and have me wrapped around you
you will admire me endlessly,
whispering sweet nothings
like you're used to saying them

but will you see me the same way
when the morning touches the sheets?
will you kiss me good morning
and tell my eyes the beauty they behold?

this, i think
as i yearn for your warmth
that has become non-existent
when you left me alone in bed.

the bed that was once our heaven has become my hell.

is my conscience
then
who’s listening?

it was said that we are more closer to 2050 than we are to 1990. It has the same gap of 30 years and yet both have a different feel towards each other. the past seems so far off because it had lacked what the future only had: hope.

yesterday seemed forgotten but tomorrow was an endless thought. what was done before could never be changed. the things we are about to do hereafter could still be.

now where was the concept of now? it is not forgotten nor is it a thought. it is just “now”. no thoughts no lingering feeling. it is now. and perhaps that is why we dont think about what happens. we think about now.

and that is what we should focus on.

now.

the mind is a restless soul. it speaks and it listens.

but it will never feel. that is why it is restless.

the mind cannot know contentment. it cannot know satisfaction. it could only resent but it could never forgive.

the mind is a restless soul. it speaks and it listens.

but the mind could never tell what the heart only knows.

are you afraid of commitment?
or
are you just afraid
of wasting your time?

do they make you swoon?
do you sigh at the sight of them?
do you think of them often?
are they a part of your prayers?
do you like their smile?
would you want to see their smile?
do you stare at their eyes?
is your worth not being judged?
does it make you think of other people to replace?
do they make you smile?
do they reciprocate what you feel?
are they open-minded?
do they make you love love?
do they make you feel different?


and lastly,
they dont make you question about love.

He always told me he "loved" me.

But we were wrapped in white sheets and his hands were all over me

His lips lingered trails on my neck as his eyes were turning a shade darker

He always told me he "loved" me

When we were both intoxicated and that he was in desperation for touch

But the worst part wasn't the one sided pleasure
The worst part was that i believed.

As easy as it sounds
Yet the hardest pill to swallow
I guess some people
Just dont want to be with me
The same way i want to be with them

lips locking
bed and skin clashing
you make me hard
but i wish for another name

skin to skin
your hands are all over me
we get so ******
you turn me on
but she made me happy

your touch makes my skin tingle
i long for anticipation
i have you right now
but you're not what's on my mind
instead i imagine her
and everything just seems to
fall in place

and i never knew
it was exactly
just another mistake.

5:19 PM 12/17/18

to remember you
with the good memories
you gave

and not the traits
that made me leave
or the stabbing pain
in my chest

to remember you
in a way
that you were perfect
even if you weren't.

5:15 PM 12/17/2018

when you leave,
leave me
with nothing
take the love i gave
take the happiness i shared
take my broken heart
take the memories you shared with me
take the hurting feeling
take everything that you once gave
because when you leave,
there's no turning back.

it was in his eyes
that i knew
that love wasn't a feeling
but it was a choice
because i would rather
look at his eyes
and think that i have finally found
my universe.

you liked calligraphy
so much
that you decided
to use your lips
as your pen
and wrote on me
through my heart
the words i have longed
to come from you
and my simple reply
was a kiss to your lips
saying
"i love you too."

love is like the sun
you adored it when it came
felt it on you while it stayed
and knew its value
only when it left.

my aching heart
wishes
that may the bruises
and all the cuts
be worthy
just to see you
happy
with someone else
to build you better
for someone else
and not me.

because even when you left
i kept searching for you
tried finding solace
in another's pair of lips
but nothing was ever the same
and i knew that
heaven wasnt a place on earth
but it was a home
that i shouldn't have
mistaken for a house
with you.

and then
the way
you told me
you loved me
showed
how much you dont.

she gave me her nudes
she was bare
and naked
and so out
and open
and i willingly
accepted it
because it wasnt the nudes
that showed her body
the physical aspects
that made her beautiful
it was the words
she didnt choose
and the spontaneity
that left her
either from her lips
or her fingers
or ink

she was as bare
as her nudes
and i accepted
her for her.

youre as beautiful
as the sunset
because every time you leave
it makes me want for more
of you

there was always a way to tell you i love you
yet it didnt have to be said
nor to be felt
it was the unseen moments
the spontaneity of it all

i was always told that
the eyes never lie
so i hope that every time
you catch me staring at you
you'll finally realize
that i have always loved you
and always will.

i'm sorry
if i have ever
caused you pain
pain in different circumstances
that i've always denied
im sorry if i was always a problem
and if i wasnt there when you needed me
im sorry if i never listened
and im sorry if i was as stupid
as you always told me
and im sorry
for being so selfish
for forgetting
that you also feel
that you had your own way of telling
that you hurt too
im sorry
if my sorry isnt enough
but to tell you honestly
its all i have right now
and im just really
sorry
if i was always never enough.

she was
as healthy as a baby
when she woke up
she was as optimistic
as a child
as she walked the paths
that could be the
next thing to death
but every time
she slept
she was as sickly
as an old woman suffering
from a disease
for she sniffed,
her eyes puffy
wishing that she never woke up once more
and it was always the cycle
she wasn't the problem
the people were
but she always thought
she was the problem
so one night
she didnt want to be sick anymore
and it was one moment
that time had to close his eyes
for a sad girl living in a sad world
and a knife
wasnt always a good combination.

ngano hilakan nimo ang wala?

kay naa paman koy paglaom na mobalik ang nawala.

you have hurt
this little fragile heart
of mine for a
thousand times
and it was always a problem for me
but if the time comes
that the thing about problems come
dont come running back to me
screaming to have me back

because the thing about problems
is that
it's not always about you

i miss you
and i want you back
but one thought is what i lack
youre dead and found 6 feet below

and then one day
we left our classroom
and never returned.

We were breaking up

No it wasn’t the giving of
Each other's things back
Neither was it the screaming
Of profanities and simply
Releasing tension
It wasn’t the closure
No it didn’t mean the title
The title of letting go
We didnt have to name it
We were simply breaking up
We were breaking each other
Even though we were still together

see me die tomorrow
because
i'm nowhere near breathing
when i'm next to you
you make my heart
beat faster than it has always been
giving me earthquakes
in my mind and
just like any other fissure
you've broken me
and left me open
shattered, cracked
so
see me dead tomorrow
because
i'm nowhere near
seeing you with her anymore.

and then, all at once,
all the sappy love songs
finally made sense
because, then
i wanted to see you
come back
to come running home
to come back
running to me.

Nobody wonders when little miss happy bubble didn't talk anymore
She was always the talkative, outspoken girl
And now she's aloof, silent
Little miss happy bubble
Had burst her bubble
So she barely talks
Answers when questioned
Never complains, smiles when needed
And what was ironic
Was that all this
Was a scream;
A cry for help
For somebody to listen
For somebody to save her
From her insanity
But nobody seems to hear
that little miss happy bubble
Finally popped
The words
"I want to die."

you said
that leaving was for the weakest souls
those who cannot be like Atlas
carrying the weight of the world
on their shoulders
you said leaving was
something you dont want to do
somehting you shouldnt do
something you couldnt do
that leaving was a bad thing
and some people dont deserve it
you made leaving sound so bad
that when you did it to me
you have proven its rightful meaning
but what gave me
the ache of my heart was that  
you said you couldnt but you still did.

do not ever degrade yourself
to the extent that you think you are
unworthy
unloved
replaceable
because you are not
you are
important
beautiful
and valued.
you are not
just anyone
remember that.

the best people are contained
in a perfect mix of anxiety,
broken and missing pieces,
and the chain of thoughts of being unworthy
unloved
and
insiginificant.

so now
as another year brings me to
brand new oppotunities
please just please
if im happy
leave me be
keep me away from our toxicity
you are my 2017
from the words my heart has spilled
from the letters youll never read
you filled a year
have me wrapped in your little finger
and i guess that should be enough
for someone like you
so please
give me another chance to start anew
to be with someone
thats not you.

i sometimes question my worth
am i worth the smile?
the time,
attention,
space,
anything at all?
because all im asking is little.
im not asking for everything
just a little bit.
but it feels like im not worthy
of the hope,
want or simply
the word
together.
it makes me feel hopeless
that im nothing but a waste of space.
i dont want to  be here anymore.
im done with people leaving
im done with being left
im tired of being alone
im tired of feeling lonely
im tired of being me
i dont want to get attached
i dont want to care anymore
because all that caring was giving
to me
was disappointment,
discontentment
and above all
pain.
im tired of that
i want to be happy because i want to
but theres this omen
thats stopping me
please leave me
but maybe im the one
whos grasping for you
and youre just always there
no matter how much i
push you away
i want to go home
i want to leave
its my turn,
now.