i took the effort
to bring something just
for you
i risked my mom's scoldings
thinking you would be happy
with this little gift i had
for you
but what gave me the pain
was that
you were long gone
nd you're not anymore
at home.
that i wasn't coming back
to anything
and that all this time
i'm still thinking
i'll see you when i come home.
so i thought you were still here
but then, you were buried feet below.

Stranger: Hi

You: what do you hate

Stranger: People who lies

You: thats a sad truth

Stranger: How 'bout you?

You: i hate it when i feel like i left somebody behind

You: or when theres not enough love in this world to heal it back

You: i hate it when somebody feels lonely

You: or they feel what i feel

You: i hate it when theyre unhappy

You: i hate it when i cant fix a broken soul

You: and whats ironic is i cant even fix mine either

it feels like im drowning
yet no one is reaching for me
and whats worst
is that im not even trying

i dont think i can do this anymore
i dont think i can still pretend
that im alright
that im okay
because im not
and i think
i never will be

let me cry
let me break
let me show that i am weak
because i''m never that strong when it comes to you

let me fall
let me shudder
let me show that i fear
because you are that one thing that i want to see again

please come back
running to me
as if youve never been gone
please look into my eyes
and show to me
i'll see you again

in most pixar movies
or probably in the reality there is
we dont get what we want
we get what we deserve
and even though
we get what we want
its the will
to find what we deserve

and im ever so lucky to find it with you.

you always told me
you gave me no reason
to want to die
but the truth was
you gave me all the reasons
but i told myself
more often than not
that there wasnt
so i tricked myself
that dying was not the answer
but it always was
it wsa the answer that screamed
to me
whenever i felt unworthy
whenever i felt hopeless
so when i felt numb
it became an echo
a whisper that
i followed as i
jump from the topmost building
and the only thing left
for me to hear
was my mouth screaming for help
or rather
your name as you watch me fall.

i wasnt happy
because i wanted to
i was happy
because i had to
and i didnt want that
and thats what
made me insane.

I wanted to scream
till my lungs needed air
till my throat ached
till my tears blurred my vision
just to see
if the sound was louder
i'll see you
come back to me.

Maybe I wasn't worth the wait
Maybe I wasn't worth the time and space
Maybe I wasn't worth anything at all
Because when I told you to stay with me
You simply said you couldn't
I smiled and for one last time
and maybe I wasn't going to see it again
the sincerity in your eyes
As you turned your back
and closed the door
with the same hands that
held
my broken heart.

when i met you
i thought about
you and how you
have become my
soulmate.

but every night
as the hypnotic feeling
kicks in
i thought about the time
i met you
and remembered i said,
"i'm going to fall in love
with you."

yet, i never thought
that i was going to
meet my soulmate
or love my soulmate
and my soulmate
was pain.

"come back to me", she said

all night she screamed
thinking that if the sound
was louder
the suffocating feeling will be gone.

"come back to me", she whispered
as her vision blurred once more
thinking of that one person she lost
no, it wasnt the boy who held
her broken heart
nor the father that was buried 6 feet below

"come back to me", she hummed with
drooping eyes of pills

wondering when she started crumbling
and losing herself for someone
who didnt even matter.

i dont believe in love
not anymore
for ive been treated so  unfairly
every time i
hoped
wanted
needed and simply
ached to feel love
i dont believe it anymore
for what i see
or whatever meets the eye
is the mere obligation of
giving and taking
making and breaking
and most especially
mistaking love
for the ignorant
things we thought should be called love.
im tired of love
and how it so non-existent
im tired of love
and how i still hope there is
im tired of love
its own entirety
and lastly
im tired of love
and how its continuously uncalled for.
i dont want to love
i dont want to be loved
i just want to breathe and not live anymore
for living entails feeling
and feeling just seems to always
find its way of breaking me
and thats so tiring
i dont want that anymore.
i dont believe in love
i dont believe in you
not anymore.

I was taught
Even as a little girl
That giving is what we called "loving"
So I grew up
Loving and loving
And even though there was
Nothing left of me
For me  
Even though
All I could give
Was shattered pieces of me
A crumbling heart
A black and stormy soul
I gave
And still called it love
Never mind if it was toxic
Never mind if it was the brokenness
I was taught
Even as a little girl
That giving is what we called "loving"
So I grew up
Losing myself

Suicidal thoughts are poetic
The slitting of wrists
Ropes tied around your neck
The need to put that one foot forward
Into the pit that ends everything;
Hopes, dreams, wishes and nightmares combined

Suicidal thoughts are poetic
The feeling of drowning
A knife pierced to your heart
The want to simply put that one foot forward
To the center of the road that starts everything;
Sorrow, regret and sympathy combined

Suicidal thoughts are poetic
The endless hallucinations and insomnia
Thinking of what would happen if you died
The uncontrollable yearning to simply put that one foot forward;
To the darkness of closed eyes that makes everything;
Problems, unanswered questions and contentment combined

Suicidal thoughts are so poetic
That it comes to a point
That all of it
Suddenly and inconspicuously
Becomes true

we were good at something

we were good at breaking each other
we had the same hobby
of ripping
tearing
getting
each others pieces
bit by bit
every part
we killed each other
through words
or austere and conspicuous
acts of ignoring
and that kept us together
because even if we kept ourselves  
broken and unfixed
we gladly took the misconception
of staying together
and call it
love.