I wanted to scream
till my lungs needed air
till my throat ached
till my tears blurred my vision
just to see
if the sound was louder
i'll see you
come back to me.

do not ever degrade yourself
to the extent that you think you are
unworthy
unloved
replaceable
because you are not
you are
important
beautiful
and valued.
you are not
just anyone
remember that.

ngano hilakan nimo ang wala?

kay naa paman koy paglaom na mobalik ang nawala.

We were breaking up

No it wasn’t the giving of
Each other's things back
Neither was it the screaming
Of profanities and simply
Releasing tension
It wasn’t the closure
No it didn’t mean the title
The title of letting go
We didnt have to name it
We were simply breaking up
We were breaking each other
Even though we were still together

so now
as another year brings me to
brand new oppotunities
please just please
if im happy
leave me be
keep me away from our toxicity
you are my 2017
from the words my heart has spilled
from the letters youll never read
you filled a year
have me wrapped in your little finger
and i guess that should be enough
for someone like you
so please
give me another chance to start anew
to be with someone
thats not you.

"come back to me", she said

all night she screamed
thinking that if the sound
was louder
the suffocating feeling will be gone.

"come back to me", she whispered
as her vision blurred once more
thinking of that one person she lost
no, it wasnt the boy who held
her broken heart
nor the father that was buried 6 feet below

"come back to me", she hummed with
drooping eyes of pills

wondering when she started crumbling
and losing herself for someone
who didnt even matter.

are you afraid of commitment?
or
are you just afraid
of wasting your time?

that i forget you

**** me so hard
that i never look back on you

**** me so hard
that tomorrow
i’ll forget myself too

because even when you left
i kept searching for you
tried finding solace
in another's pair of lips
but nothing was ever the same
and i knew that
heaven wasnt a place on earth
but it was a home
that i shouldn't have
mistaken for a house
with you.

He always told me he "loved" me.

But we were wrapped in white sheets and his hands were all over me

His lips lingered trails on my neck as his eyes were turning a shade darker

He always told me he "loved" me

When we were both intoxicated and that he was in desperation for touch

But the worst part wasn't the one sided pleasure
The worst part was that i believed.

we were good at something

we were good at breaking each other
we had the same hobby
of ripping
tearing
getting
each others pieces
bit by bit
every part
we killed each other
through words
or austere and conspicuous
acts of ignoring
and that kept us together
because even if we kept ourselves  
broken and unfixed
we gladly took the misconception
of staying together
and call it
love.

there was always a way to tell you i love you
yet it didnt have to be said
nor to be felt
it was the unseen moments
the spontaneity of it all

i was always told that
the eyes never lie
so i hope that every time
you catch me staring at you
you'll finally realize
that i have always loved you
and always will.

and then, all at once,
all the sappy love songs
finally made sense
because, then
i wanted to see you
come back
to come running home
to come back
running to me.

i sometimes question my worth
am i worth the smile?
the time,
attention,
space,
anything at all?
because all im asking is little.
im not asking for everything
just a little bit.
but it feels like im not worthy
of the hope,
want or simply
the word
together.
it makes me feel hopeless
that im nothing but a waste of space.
i dont want to  be here anymore.
im done with people leaving
im done with being left
im tired of being alone
im tired of feeling lonely
im tired of being me
i dont want to get attached
i dont want to care anymore
because all that caring was giving
to me
was disappointment,
discontentment
and above all
pain.
im tired of that
i want to be happy because i want to
but theres this omen
thats stopping me
please leave me
but maybe im the one
whos grasping for you
and youre just always there
no matter how much i
push you away
i want to go home
i want to leave
its my turn,
now.

i'm sorry
if i have ever
caused you pain
pain in different circumstances
that i've always denied
im sorry if i was always a problem
and if i wasnt there when you needed me
im sorry if i never listened
and im sorry if i was as stupid
as you always told me
and im sorry
for being so selfish
for forgetting
that you also feel
that you had your own way of telling
that you hurt too
im sorry
if my sorry isnt enough
but to tell you honestly
its all i have right now
and im just really
sorry
if i was always never enough.

is my conscience
then
who’s listening?

i miss writing so much
pouring my thoughts
loving writing
i've lost you and
now i found you

i took the effort
to bring something just
for you
i risked my mom's scoldings
thinking you would be happy
with this little gift i had
for you
but what gave me the pain
was that
you were long gone
nd you're not anymore
at home.
that i wasn't coming back
to anything
and that all this time
i'm still thinking
i'll see you when i come home.
so i thought you were still here
but then, you were buried feet below.

you see my *******
but what i want you to see
is what lies beyond the
skin and ribcage
i want you to see
my heart
and how it yearns for
the admiration of who i am
and not what you see

your fingers pull my hair
but you never seem to reach out
to the mind thats endlessly
aching for you to remember

that i am not an object
made for pleasure

i am human with a mind and soul.

but you’ll see my *******,
you’ll remember the scent of my hair
you’ll touch me in places
that will only give you
a moment of satisfaction
and never a lifetime of contentment

you will finger me and have me wrapped around you
you will admire me endlessly,
whispering sweet nothings
like you're used to saying them

but will you see me the same way
when the morning touches the sheets?
will you kiss me good morning
and tell my eyes the beauty they behold?

this, i think
as i yearn for your warmth
that has become non-existent
when you left me alone in bed.

the bed that was once our heaven has become my hell.

you said
that leaving was for the weakest souls
those who cannot be like Atlas
carrying the weight of the world
on their shoulders
you said leaving was
something you dont want to do
somehting you shouldnt do
something you couldnt do
that leaving was a bad thing
and some people dont deserve it
you made leaving sound so bad
that when you did it to me
you have proven its rightful meaning
but what gave me
the ache of my heart was that  
you said you couldnt but you still did.

i dont think i can do this anymore
i dont think i can still pretend
that im alright
that im okay
because im not
and i think
i never will be

you always told me
you gave me no reason
to want to die
but the truth was
you gave me all the reasons
but i told myself
more often than not
that there wasnt
so i tricked myself
that dying was not the answer
but it always was
it wsa the answer that screamed
to me
whenever i felt unworthy
whenever i felt hopeless
so when i felt numb
it became an echo
a whisper that
i followed as i
jump from the topmost building
and the only thing left
for me to hear
was my mouth screaming for help
or rather
your name as you watch me fall.

my aching heart
wishes
that may the bruises
and all the cuts
be worthy
just to see you
happy
with someone else
to build you better
for someone else
and not me.

and when you think about love
you need not worry
to speak your language
for that someone could simply
understand you
no translations needed

let me cry
let me break
let me show that i am weak
because i''m never that strong when it comes to you

let me fall
let me shudder
let me show that i fear
because you are that one thing that i want to see again

Nobody wonders when little miss happy bubble didn't talk anymore
She was always the talkative, outspoken girl
And now she's aloof, silent
Little miss happy bubble
Had burst her bubble
So she barely talks
Answers when questioned
Never complains, smiles when needed
And what was ironic
Was that all this
Was a scream;
A cry for help
For somebody to listen
For somebody to save her
From her insanity
But nobody seems to hear
that little miss happy bubble
Finally popped
The words
"I want to die."

love is like the sun
you adored it when it came
felt it on you while it stayed
and knew its value
only when it left.

I was taught
Even as a little girl
That giving is what we called "loving"
So I grew up
Loving and loving
And even though there was
Nothing left of me
For me  
Even though
All I could give
Was shattered pieces of me
A crumbling heart
A black and stormy soul
I gave
And still called it love
Never mind if it was toxic
Never mind if it was the brokenness
I was taught
Even as a little girl
That giving is what we called "loving"
So I grew up
Losing myself

Maybe I wasn't worth the wait
Maybe I wasn't worth the time and space
Maybe I wasn't worth anything at all
Because when I told you to stay with me
You simply said you couldn't
I smiled and for one last time
and maybe I wasn't going to see it again
the sincerity in your eyes
As you turned your back
and closed the door
with the same hands that
held
my broken heart.

and then one day
we left our classroom
and never returned.

i miss you
and i want you back
but one thought is what i lack
youre dead and found 6 feet below

when i met you
i thought about
you and how you
have become my
soulmate.

but every night
as the hypnotic feeling
kicks in
i thought about the time
i met you
and remembered i said,
"i'm going to fall in love
with you."

yet, i never thought
that i was going to
meet my soulmate
or love my soulmate
and my soulmate
was pain.

i dont believe in love
not anymore
for ive been treated so  unfairly
every time i
hoped
wanted
needed and simply
ached to feel love
i dont believe it anymore
for what i see
or whatever meets the eye
is the mere obligation of
giving and taking
making and breaking
and most especially
mistaking love
for the ignorant
things we thought should be called love.
im tired of love
and how it so non-existent
im tired of love
and how i still hope there is
im tired of love
its own entirety
and lastly
im tired of love
and how its continuously uncalled for.
i dont want to love
i dont want to be loved
i just want to breathe and not live anymore
for living entails feeling
and feeling just seems to always
find its way of breaking me
and thats so tiring
i dont want that anymore.
i dont believe in love
i dont believe in you
not anymore.

do they make you swoon?
do you sigh at the sight of them?
do you think of them often?
are they a part of your prayers?
do you like their smile?
would you want to see their smile?
do you stare at their eyes?
is your worth not being judged?
does it make you think of other people to replace?
do they make you smile?
do they reciprocate what you feel?
are they open-minded?
do they make you love love?
do they make you feel different?


and lastly,
they dont make you question about love.

see me die tomorrow
because
i'm nowhere near breathing
when i'm next to you
you make my heart
beat faster than it has always been
giving me earthquakes
in my mind and
just like any other fissure
you've broken me
and left me open
shattered, cracked
so
see me dead tomorrow
because
i'm nowhere near
seeing you with her anymore.

lips locking
bed and skin clashing
you make me hard
but i wish for another name

skin to skin
your hands are all over me
we get so ******
you turn me on
but she made me happy

your touch makes my skin tingle
i long for anticipation
i have you right now
but you're not what's on my mind
instead i imagine her
and everything just seems to
fall in place

and i never knew
it was exactly
just another mistake.

5:19 PM 12/17/18

she gave me her nudes
she was bare
and naked
and so out
and open
and i willingly
accepted it
because it wasnt the nudes
that showed her body
the physical aspects
that made her beautiful
it was the words
she didnt choose
and the spontaneity
that left her
either from her lips
or her fingers
or ink

she was as bare
as her nudes
and i accepted
her for her.

every day i always find a reason to live
but it seems like
every day i was given a reason to end it

it feels like im drowning
yet no one is reaching for me
and whats worst
is that im not even trying