when i was young
ammi packed me lunch
one strawberry jam sandwich
cut neatly into squares

as i grew older
and my tummy much bigger
(along with my appetite)
one turned into two
two to three
and finally
for some unknown reason
there were no strawberry jam sandwiches
but ammi still packed me lunch

it was tuna or chicken
maybe tomato and cheese
sometimes a pastry
i wasn't hard to please

and it never occurred to me
that my strawberry sandwiches
were gone

till one completely random day
i'm sitting with my friends
taking the first bite of my sandwich
a burst of strawberry fills my mouth
sweet, rich with sugar
it tastes red, good bright red
my strawberry jam sandwich came back
and i was bombarded by my childhood
playing on the swings sandwich in hand
red coated crumbs dotting my shirt
running out of class as soon as the bell rings
to munch munch munch
on my strawberry sandwiches

strawberry jam was never my favourite filling
but it filled me with memories
so occasionlly
when i'm feeling nostalgic
i'll pick up a slice, butter it up
spread my gooey, red friend
and share a sandwich with ammi.

A spiral
A staircase
A long fall

How ever you decend it's always down,
Never do we see the light before we go,
It's forever darkness,
Never do we know what waits for us,
We think we know,
We hope we know,
Never do we get a chance to change our minds,
It's there it's easy once you've made the distance to get there.

What ever we do we decend,
I won't romanticise it it's not a decision we should make yet we do,
I won't tell you to stop because that will push you even harder than before because hell what do I know.

But I will say is this:

My mind is my prison
My body the vehicle I use
My soul the fuel
The decent my escape

Every morning it is there
Every night it welcomes me like a lover
Every time I close my eyes it becons to me
Every time I get up it threatens to pull me down

Yet I stand strong
Resting on the edge
Like running a knife across my throat hard enough to bite but not bleed
A damgours game to feel alive
To feel at all

A decent into darkness
A game we play alone

She never minded the scars I carved.
She'd beg me for more, and as her wrists were tied in knots.
I'd make sure another night was never forgot.
Sure, she'd struggle, much as any of us must.
But she was lurching toward me wild and bewildered such.

She would calm as I tended wound and her panting
below became a parting of bloom. Springtime crept
in like a slow, low light on a horizon only meant
to be seen by us two.

Her struggle turned to sound and her mouth stuffed still.
Her lids heavy hiding stained glass eye windowed sill.
Her knees buckled with belt tied firm to keep her tight.
Her smile crept wide as tongue wetted what kept words inside.

Her drool ran and stained our sheets,
her eyes filled with tears which ran down cheeks.
Pleasing pleadings strung out by Morse code taps of her feet.
She was more than a canvas,
she became my tapestry.

One moment of pleasure
can unleash a lifetime of
pain.

I feel like I'm trapped
In time and space
But you are not
On my continuum

I search each hall
Only to find pictures
Hung of you
With no after

I'm miserable and
Complacent
There's only one thing
I could think of

Play you just say
Play
And I will

Dream you just say
Dream
And I will

Forever you just
Say forever

And I scream
STAY just
Stay

I can spend all day
zigzagging through the trees
dodging roots and stomping clay
Sun's hug so nourishing  
this is how I play

Do not forget how to play
or else you will regret every day
doing the same **** for little pay
trapped while you become gray
amorphous blobs that weigh
friendships left to decay
souls that fade away
what can I say
invite those castaways
to join you while you play

While we spend all day
zigzagging through the trees
dodging roots and stomping clay
Sun's hug so nourishing  
This is how we play
Thank you for joining

I would rather write
About this world than
Live in it

I would rather play
Music all day and read
Or wander around

Or waltz into bookstores
And run my hands along
The wooden shelves

I would rather remain
Indifferent to the world
That exists around me

I would rather watch
Humans than actually
Be one of them.

I guess I’m a ***** now cause I said your beats need bass
Sometimes I wish I could smack ya face
Leave your *** without a trace

You said you didn’t ask for my advice
but want me to be to your wife?
If you don’t try to grow,
I swear on my life
I’ll be the first one to stick the knife

Right now that guy looks enticing
Cause my partner ain’t inviting
I’m tired of the vibrating
Of my purple play thing
The time you’re wasting

I run cause I seek safety
Anywhere where someone won’t play me
I’m not stupid, I’m not *******
He calls me names so our ways parted
I can go the distance but I’ll end up where I started

Conintously trying, my brain is frying
Can no longer comprehend
which way my back should bend
You bend me over
**** me raw, my ***** is he best thing
You ever saw
You make me bend over backwards
Whenever you think you ain’t wrong
You remind my of my favorite song
You should stronger than me, am I wrong?