Bottle an emotion,
or put it in a pill.
I’m trying to move forward,
but I’m only standing still.

Past becomes the present,
but my presence is in the past.
A nightmare that’s grown teeth,
to tear me apart at last.

What do you see in him,
that you didn’t see in me?
Why was I so horrible,
that you had to get free?

Now I need medication,
to fill the void that’s left,
but I cannot find the colors,
that left my soul bereft.

Am I really crazy?
I only ask cause I can’t tell.
Every day that I wake up,
is like waking up in hell.

Emotionally castrated,
full of wounds that never heal.
I wish I could be normal,
but I’ve lost the ability to feel.

It breaks my heart to think,
that there is no going back.
Because the past is now the present,
and the colors are all black.

So I guess that leaves the future,
and all I can do is hope.
Hope that my future past,
will allow for me to cope.

2/28/2020

I’ve been testing out these new black socks for three days now,

I can’t take them off,

My toes grew numb so I stuck Chinese charcoal heaters to the bottom of ‘em

Wrapped up heavy in the covers on my Japanese futon,

kerosene heater set to the highest degree,

Watching snowflakes pileup on my window seal

As I waver between peaceful meditations and combative mental mediation,

Intermittently manipulating time and commanding this bone to heal,

I breathe in I breathe out

Here and now there is so much space to feel

I can't remember the last time I sat in bed in the daylight

Navigating patience, peace and pain

It's all perspective

An energy lift or an energy drain

But the universe laid me out this time

carving space out of the go-go-go

Burning off the fog, dissolving those mental linear lines

Making it okay to settle into the just so-and-so

I can't remember the last time I sat in bed in the daylight

To just lay here and feel the space of nothing

To let the breath come’n go,

To let the breath make space for something that I don't know

My heart breaks in seventeen different directions.
The white realm between my eyes glares back at me
Initially, I think he’s trying to hurt me
Forcing me to stay
But then hope effervesces in 1 new direction
Up, out.
Stay and feel he says
You need to heal he says
He's just a mar stapled upon a pure surface
He's just blank and broken
Clean and vast and warm and open
And can’t I be this wall
And can’t I just be free
From all this pain that's hindering me
“Stay” he says
“You'll never be the same” he says
And so he holds me
Compelling me to stay in the most rugged of places
Shifting when its time for me to move forward
He wasn't trying to hurt me
He just wanted to help me
Relieve the scar I painted for myself
When I cast my burdens upon the shelf
And never bothered to look
Never bothered to feel
And chose to reject what was so devastatingly real
I’m enamored by this blank space
I’m mesmerized by my own old pain
I want to leave but I finally listen and stay
The white wall becomes me
We hold each other’s gaze
And we stay and feel and then move away
To a new pose where the false okayness
Is really okay.

It’s a crime
to paint such flowers
with so crude a brush.
Your skills, my lord,
confound me
and I present myself
to you humbly.
Your fingers are
calloused
and jagged, their edges
can cut if you’re not careful.
You touch so soft
your skin to mine
and I sizzle in your grasp.
You are the warmest
part of me and
even you are now
embers, but it is not
my duty anymore
to stoke the ashes,
as deeply as I wish
you would burn again for me.
A flick of the eyes
and a trick of the tongue
are welcomed warmly
by my singing heart.

i would rather be perceived for an eternity as a fool than for a single moment as a cold soul.

There are holes in my memory,
missing pieces of time
claimed by malnutrition.

It is a bitter pill to swallow,
knowing that my own actions
had such severe consequences.
Knowing that I so wholeheartedly believed
that what I was doing was right,
that it was what I deserved.

Losing pieces of myself
to an identity that did not belong to me.
A girl is not supposed to be a disorder
becoming nothing more than an illness personified.