My fantasies have become very strange, I disturb myself at least once a day.

I imagine, my helpless body sinking. Sinking down deeper into an unknown. A memory of the only breath that would last a lifetime. A lifetime two minutes long.

I go to the library to find peace of mind, to find myself in the pages of a medical journal.
On the pages will be blooms of hope in the names of tablets that can ease my worried mind.

The cold sludge will embrace me tightly. Covering my eyes so I can't see any of the pain anymore. Holding my limbs tight, to remind me that its always there. That deaths embrace is certain. That I will be at peace.

Papercuts cover my frantically searching hands, like warriors. They're fighting for my life, a war against myself. Cramming pages into my eyes and plugging my ears with facts. A Freudian overload, a desperate attempt to medicalise my state of mind.

The thick taste of salty sand fills my mouth, my breath gasps, my involuntary reflex to save my life. The silence comes, the voices fade away. Its bittersweet that my death brings my every fantasy.

They clatter as they hit the sink, prescribed nonsense designed to pull me into myself. Make me more compliant. Dig my own hole deeper. Make me easier for society to swallow, for you to deal with. My hands have finally saved me, poured away the mind-altering remedies. Showed me the only thing I ever needed was already part of me.

A clock ticks time,
A heart beats fast.
Her mouth whisper spells,
she couldn't cast.
The lies lie down,
beneath her lips.
Loving a man,
for his blood.
They were cursed,
under the full moon.
Blood for blood,
death in love.

I am preparing
for the sharing
of grief
as a another doctor
leaves.

Space and time
part like
the red sea.
I believe
the next one
will be good,

but I am emotionally attached
like I was to the last,
and the other doctor who passed.

Christmas time
and I will come home
to find
these tears of mine
are rather silly,
falling for
a fictional character
who isn’t even
dying.

He is just regenerating,
just changing
like we all do
even though
we struggle to
hold on to the past.

Nothing lasts,
nothing last,
nothing………

love
aghast
at its own
separation


curds from
whey
drifting
up into
unshapely
neglected
kernels

​
drifting up to
a wide distance
in their broth
of once-
togetherness


weeping
energy
like a
milky
wound

​
expectations
of gushing
romance
seep out
and down
​

sunk to the
bottom
​

to never
feel
alone
​

to never
feel
lost
​

to never
feel
grown
or
responsible
for it all


sunk right down
to the
bottom
​

buoyancy
independent
rising up


I take care
of my
self


alone
purposeless
drifter
bulbous
love nugget

​


© 2017 Adelaide Heathfield

We are children of the Rainbow.
Sacred blessings from the Sky .
To make our homes in The valleys,
They hoped that we would become
Wise.

We were chosen by the Moonlight.
To give our hearts to the Sun,
A sacred duty sworn to no one.
We'll be whole when it is done.

We are marching through a darkness,
In silent search of holy light.
Some have strength and some are hopeless...
I pray they all survive the night.

Morning sun on my horizon,
Show me to thy golden throne.
Fill the Sky with stars and diamonds,
And send a ship to take me home...

We were the same between the opposite
But you never notice.
Even wht I feel inside,
It was like I ws never there.

Time stops whenever we pass each other.
That's what I want you to feel.
The feeling of a little sister
Is what you let me feel.

I'm getting curious about you-
Since the day we got close.
We talked and chatted
'Til day becomes night.

You said you liked me,
But in the end, it was a joke.
'"I knew it," was my reply.
But hoping that was real.

It would stay a mystery- unless someone moves.
Thought of becoming us in one.
Could it be? Is still my fantasy?
Since were the same between the opposite.