Once,
I had a dream,
you and I,
sharing the rest of our lives.

I had a dream,
where you could not hear me
screaming.

I wake up,
unease,
looking for you all over.

I wanna wake up
when you come back.
Too late for being dreaming about it.

We fell down into fighting.
You were always the first giving up.
I get used to close the doors,

you leave open in me.

I don't dream about us anymore,
happening in the way I wanted to.

my lies were thin paper,
not to mention easy to breach.
nevertheless, they were still guarded,
invisible to those who didn't reach.

but her lies were steel walls,
there wasn't any way inside.
they claimed there was no way to help her-
then again, had they ever really tried?

birds of a feather don't always stick together
at the beginning we stayed apart
i guess since we were both liars in the end
one day she opened her heart

she asked my why I bothered with her
as no one ever paid her a second thought
and the one time that someone else had gotten close
they pulled her heart's trigger and shot

i didn't have a verbal response waiting
i just smiled and pulled her close
she helped me to find the truth i had been looking for
she was who i needed the most

because by opening her heart, even just a crack
she taught me how to fly
by mending her heart, i learned how to love
and that you don't always have to lie

as I lie awake beside you,
and you allow sleep to qualm your stresses from the day,
I'm suddenly very aware of the pillow underneath my head
and note how it feels nothing like my head on your chest.
I do not mind the firmness of your muscles,
or the heartbeat that echoes beneath my ear.
your warmth does what this overpriced spaceheater never could,
but still I keep my distance.
fear of getting too close almost rivals claustrophobia, in a sense.
I long to overcome the worries of having nowhere to go but your arms,
but I fear everything may crumble should I try to overcome it.
I do not want to push.
the walls are closing in on you,
and you insist I stay away.
I would take the risks and hold you closer
but I fear my arms would be too reminiscent of the world swallowing you.
i do not want to panic.
I do not want you to push back.
so I keep my distance.
so I lie awake beside you,
cursing my pillow for not feeling like your chest.
I worry the space between us under covers is not enough,
and if the couch is a better home for my worry.
you deserve the bed to yourself tonight.
though this room is vast and I cannot fight the chill this space heater can never seem to pummel,
I know I should not get too close.
while my fear is being alone,
that is what you long to be.

I am disgusted with myself
Under a disappointed stare
The agony clear and palpable
As it courses through open air

I cannot change the deeds I've done
Unspeak the weighty lies I told
I work towards a better future
To prove trust is something I can uphold

The idea of you wondering
If I am not who I am
Keeps me enveloped in fear
Words barricaded in a tricky dam

Together we can tear down obstacles
Defeat shadows and doubt
One by one I will fix the problems
We have been fighting about

My ghouls are running wild, exposed
By the knife plunged into your heart
I long to have you in close proximity
Yet keep tearing your love apart

I always end up
Self-destructing, leaving those
Close wounded or dead.

Growing up
we become closer to the person we are not.
How shallow the facade of maturity is.
How fragile the moments when we feel a human,
how quickly they are lost.
How we grapple at the loose ends of what’s left behind.
How we ask ourselves questions
and write about person in the mirror.
How everything we want
is already in past
and everything in future
is just a compromise.