My life is filled with endless apologies

Sincere and heartfelt promises that are shallow and empty

It's not a conscious thought
The words aren't spoken with known deceit or intentional mal-intent
But somewhere in my brain, buried in my subconscious, I know...
A self-sabotaging automated programming constantly running
And regardless of my cognitive actions or conscious thoughts, desires and intentions
My automated programming will find a way to inevitably run its code, follow its routines and execute its prime directive

And that's not a cop out
They're still my actions
Conscious or subconscious
Actions resulting from subconscious "thought" are those I'm too ignorant to see or too weak to change in that moment

I don't know what's worse
The subconscious lies and heaps of horse fertilizer, day in and day out, I shove down the throats of those who cross my path
Or the incessant feed of regurgitated words, phrases, thoughts, ideas and worst of all.... hopes.... that is being forced through my digestive track only to be excreted by my body and re-absorbed by my central nervous system

Hope

The worst trick of all

And it always works. Without fail
Why?
Because it psychologically and emotionally preys on everything I want to be
The Hope that THIS TIME I'll get it right
THIS TIME I won't FAIL
All those things inside of me
All of my
......
Potential
.......
This time it won't be wasted
This time I'll come through. You can count on me!
I promise!
This time I'll be on time
This time I won't be late!
This time I'll meet expectations
This time I'll EXCEED expectations!
This time I won't let people down
This time I won't....
                                 .....
                                    ..... let
                                               ME

                                                      .­....down

Hope

The saddest and ultimate cruelty of lies
Created by the Devil to prey on the weak and gullible
If Hell is living your worst day over and over again for eternity;
Then repeating the same detrimental behaviors over and over again for life, sustained in this perpetual motion by something so simple and harmless looking as "Hope" must fall at the Devil's hands

A wolf in sheep's clothing sprinkled in fairy dust
The worst of thoughts and beliefs are kept alive by Hope
Hope is a disease; a psychological virus
A damaged idea spreading from person to person, hijacking their system, and infecting their thoughts
For Hope is not a singular idea, isolated in seclusion, yet ultimately wrapped up and packaged out with other ideas
No, Hope is the vehicle that all thoughts that follow must ride in and by which be delivered
It is the Uber for ideas that follow
And like an unscrupulous and unpitying Uber driver,
Hope takes your brain to a secluded spot against its will and does as it so pleases
But unlike survivors of such horrific events
I, like a wide eyed doe in the headlights
I continuously expose myself to the exact same scenarios
over
and
over again

But not to worry

Eventually,
Hope will lose its magic
And the void created will be filled

By,

Regret,
Resentment,
Animosity,
Self-doubt,
Self-loathing,

And worst of all,

Denial

Denial is Hope's evil twin

The not so secret malicious trickster who, even though wears his emotions somewhat more clearly, is still capable of a lifetime of successful pranks

But unlike Hope, Denial doesn't always reveal his trick if the tricked has yet to become aware of the ruse
Instead, Denial will let them build
Stack upon stack
A colossal suspension bridge built and supported on Denial
And when I, with blind faith, cross that bridge
Putting everything and anything on the line, without question
That's when Denial delivers its reckoning
And in one all encompassing swoop it swallows me whole and any resemblance of "life" with it

Hope and Denial
My Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
and Me, a tiny island
Flanked on either side by the endless majesty of each
And like this planet,
I too,
Am a sphere spinning
A tiny island against the enormities of the the deep blue
A shipwrecked survivor
Floating on the driftwood of my subconscious
Left to the will of my environment
A helpless passenger on this ship of life
Constantly spinning between Hope and Denial
Some days calm and serene
Others, tormented by storms
Monster waves,
Flashes of lightning,
Ear shattering crackling explosions of thunder
And howling winds so fierce they must be the breath of God

And regardless of what scenario lays before me,
I'm left repeatedly with the same "choice" and same action

Enveloped with fear,
Hanging on for dear life,
Like a helpless and horrified child.....

On the verge of soiling my pants

If you go outside at night,
after the world goes to sleep,
you can hear the planet sigh,
under the secrets it cant keep.
And the wind sings with different tunes,
to all the one you hear by day,
as though its choking on the words,
that we're all afraid to say.
And I wonder at the problems,
we've tried to melt inside its core,
Whether its packed so close to bursting,
that it can't hold any more.
For how long we see its weakness,
When we've not known something so strong,
and if it weeps and we can't hear it,
does that mean there's nothing wrong?

You may silence me but the air will still know
My voice, even gagged, has shaken the air
With my ideas, I have displaced all the particles around us and it will show
Every breath you take, you inhale my thoughts but you do not care
You do not seethe as you are unaware of my feelings towards you
But I? I am rife with conflict as I destroy myself to appease you

My lungs wither inside my chest
But you breathe deeper still
My pulse races without rest
Much like my mind which will
Forever pulse with ideas you will not like
Every push of blood and breath within me
Is a glimpse of my psyche
And it is there, you will find the disrupted waters of body’s sea

Deep, dark
An eternity and a half
Self-hatred swims through my sea like a shark
Though I cannot breathe or move, I laugh
Tranquillity of displaced hatred fills my veins
As I wish to be more like you
As I wish to be nothing like you

I liken myself to a weather vane
Battered every which way because I can understand why
I can understand why you should hate me; why you would hate me
I can’t help but wonder what it would be like
To tell you
To tell you that I hate you
But I will not allow you to have such wretched influence over me
I will sink into my own sea
And it will not be out of despair
I will allow the waters of change to bathe me
But rather out of a prayer
In which the deep, dark waters of the sea
Will show me the light
And to the surface, I will return, drowned and a fright

Dearest companion in my most darkened thoughts
When I look within myself and wonder if I am worthless
It is your voice which can see all sorts
Of reasons as to why I ought to be left mirthless
For I am a silly, little girl
Stupidity and idiocy
With no wisdom imbued in even the tiniest pearl
I am less than swine
Whenever I give you the time
And let you fill my mind

I don’t know much
But you know more than I could ever
And with searing, reeking breath that I will show you how I am clever
There is something that you do not know much
You do not know of me and my intelligence
Which you use the metre sticks of mathematics and beyond
But I know the elements
Of myself and to your taunts, I shall respond

I liken myself to a weather vane
Battered every which way because I can understand why
I can understand why you should hate me; why you would hate me
I can’t help but wonder what it would be like
To tell you
To tell you that I hate you
But I will not allow you to have such wretched influence over me
I will sink into my own sea
And will not be out of despair
I will allow the waters of change to bathe me
But rather out of a prayer
In which the deep, dark waters of the sea
Will show me the light
And to the surface I will return, drowned and a fright

You killed a part of me; all of me
However, from that lifeless body I did resurrect
And now my ghost will take its business elsewhere
A lost soul without any good value that anyone could see
Anyone but me for you have me wrecked
And I shall be the goddess who answers my own prayer
And you shall be the enemy that I slay
And with your blood on my hands, I will weigh
My own worth
Against the mirth
You ripped from my heart
When you took me apart
Piece by piece
I will find my new peace

Now it is your voice which shakes the air
Now it is you who disturbs the particles
But I am unaffected because the despair that is your lair
Is not the home I keep; not anymore

I find myself the happiest
When there are tears running down my cheek
I find myself the happiest
When I’m choking so hard I can’t speak
I find myself the happiest
When every step feels like a mile
And I find myself the happiest
When my blood is flowing like the Nile

You've got my eyes.
Captured my heart.

As if a love deity chose you for me.

You always lie.
But I cover it up.

You always cry.
But I cover it up.

Your lips drip red with all the things you spew.

You've got my eyes.
Captured my heart.

As if all the stars in the sky pointed to you.

You always hide.
But I cover it up.


You're always blind.
But I cover it up.

Lungs filled to the brim with lies.

You've got my eyes.
Captured my heart.

My entire being is owned by you.

You always lie.
But I cover it up.

You always cry.
But I cover it up.

Choking on your lies, burning from the inside.

Smoking,
so attractive.

Exactly like death.

They all -
correlate cigarettes and death
like it's a bad thing

When it really just
chokes for a while,

But the aftermath of both,
is beautiful.