i wish to not relive
a life, so lonely,
alone and stalling
without a sister

my sister

it has been a long problem of mine.
and i convince myself that there is no love wasted, i just care. but i love and care to my core, i could say i have loved you now, that easy. that fast. maybe i did, yes. this is the problem. everything i do and feel is ever-consuming, i would always be too much.

some of part of me really hoped that it was you, after avoiding and scaring off love away. but it wasn't me like it could be you, that easy and that fast.

but there is no love wasted. you have been loved specially. you have encountered love so profound in this lifetime. i hope you know that.

to the new years ahead, i am leaving you behind.

i don't know why im writing this. but i used to write every so often when i was younger.
i am turning 18.
it almost feels like a fever dream. i never felt this frightened my whole life.
is my life really starting? is this the beginning of a decade?
where am i gonna be after this? how am i gonna feel?

you see, growing up, it's that just simple.
nothing changes, and you still gotta wait for something to.
it doesn't magically happens.

and i hate waiting.
i wanna be older and free.
but, most of the time i wish life was simpler like when i was younger.

I've always been in between life.
It's always somewhere over being
uncertain and certain,
optimistic and pessimistic,
and introverted or extroverted.

Despite all that,
there's one thing I'm sure of.
It is holding on to dear life,
going along through it.

I am nothing more than human,
but I am my own future.

writing about you is like
arranging the alphabet,
looking for possible
typographical error
counting the syllables,
thinking of rhymes

i dont know if i’ll ever
equate words to
how perfect you are

the sun sets and rises
the rain pours and stops

but my feelings stay the same
isn’t it too unfair?

here i am
trying to answer
still unanswered thoughts

just a randomness
night filled with sadness
mind in endless wander

wishing to be with the stars
my mind is the universe
the thought of you is the limit

you’ve finally alienate my heart
i could not feel anything
more than how you make me feel

guess i’m in love?

you write as if all the letters
in the alphabet are scribbled in your mind,
and all the words are memorized.

you tattooed poetry in all the parts
of your body, and you help me to
let my insides be one of them.

poetry is stained in you,
but the blood of hesitation
in doing what you want remains
marked.

hiding myself
in oversized shirts
not letting any
defect get out

my mistakes
rumbling down
to edges
wanting to get out

imperfections
glued into my
clothes wanting
to stick out

they are hidden
for a long time
but now i am
ready to wear
tank tops
and short shorts
bikinis and or
dresses

i am bare
i am naked
and
i am proud

you were
the smoke
i always
wanted to savor
you were
the high
my calm have
always looked for

but i was the lungs
who managed
to survive
without being yours

please understand my stretch marks
they marked the mistakes
of people who left me
at least they stayed

please understand my scars
they are meant for people to know
that i am stronger than anyone
who had tried to destroy me

please understand my pimples
they’re not always there
and i want you to be aware of it
that they’re a part of me

please understand my flaws
i am not perfect
and i will never be
but i will remain beautiful

every time i get attached,
i drown to the feeling.
and even if i know how it’s
going to end because
it ends the same way
every ******* time.

i still managed to bet.

and i know how i’m
going to feel because
i feel the same ****** way,
every ******* time.

but i still want it.

knowing what would be the
outcome,
consequences,
pain,
and the problems.
i still look at you and want it.

im tired of being what the
society wants me to be
im tired of the endless reasons
a girl should be like this and that
im tired of being judged
for what i wear, for what i do not wear
im tired of adjusting to be accepted for who i am

for a time, i want to be
what i want myself to be
**** the society and the misogyny
the inequality and patriarchy
**** all the people who are dictating
for what a girl should be and should not be
im so tired of having to fit in

im still a girl
a woman
vulnerable
no different
despite all the things i want to be

every time he puffs his cigarette
it always got me thinking
about how could he love
the smoke leaving his body
or maybe savoring its aftertaste

every time he puffs his cigarette
it makes me feel sick to think of
the smoke goes in of my body, and not his,
receiving its after-effect

every time he puffs his cigarette
i’ve always think of, that it’s his escape
like me, i’m stuck in between and
he is stuck on his suicidal state of mind
that no one could ever understand

for a time you were all in my life,
i thought of you all as stars
who will light up the darkness out of me.

but you all just seem to make
a constellation out of my life.
and just like stars,
who leave the sky when it’s already bright.