I have so many worries.
Anxieties.
That I just can't escape.
They flood my brain.
Controlling my memories.

I keep up the facade.
That I'm stable.
Happy, nice.
But I'm not.
I'm anything but.

I break down every night.
Because of you.
My tears stain my face.
Because of you.
I don't know what to say.
Because of you.

You never meant to hurt me.
I never meant to hurt you.
But in the end.
We wound up hurting each other.
We were the monsters they warned us about.

The dark clouds, wrapping themselves around us.
Only engulfing us in sadness.
So I keep on crying.
Because the more I do.
The more the dark lets go of you.

You don't know.
But I do.
With each tear I drop.
The monster consuming me.
Will eventually.
Swallow me whole.

How much time passes
between inviting the sun to hunch in the corner of my room
canary and screaming for the world to stop orbiting
and suddenly it’s night
and you realize it’s been seventeen hours since your body has made a request to move
knees pulled up to chest empty and heaving white
every bone in your body an orchestra of creaking
soundly against the crickets leaping off the fourth floor of your balcony dingy
the background noise of your dreams
blood the scent of pennies ripe in the air
smeared here and there
across all things unwanted
where apologies thrive on eleven cold dollars an hour—
you never asked for this.

I am better
at tallying each shade my room turns
because it has nothing to do
with the cerulean in my face
and this is the only place
that I allow warmth to be subjective,
when it’s breaking through windows with hatchets
instead of being waited on
watching the mouth of my wall clock nailed shut
frozen in a minute and speechless,
I have no desire to dial an ambulance
bear witness to the whirring American frequencies
of heads turned 180 even during the scuffling feet rustling rush of rush hour,
I’d rather hear the ringing in my ears
of each ghost that has ever followed me back home
quaking in translucent skin.

I heard that three a.m. belongs to the devil
I haven’t tested that theory since I was seventeen sacrificing and surrendering
but I do know what happens between the hours of thinking without doing
wanting without acting
the bed a fort you are asked to hold down by that hefty feeling
in your feet that reside two blocks from where your legs used to be,
and there is no path filthy with orchids,
when dark is just on the brink of waking,
but you can’t tell the difference anymore.

Have you ever tasted
being caught inbetween?
Had your soul
half stained, half clean?
I doubt you'd understand
how I stand so tall,
when you cause
everything around you to fall,
only so many stabs I could take,
Now it's you I forsake,
served you your own
medicine on a plate,
now you know I'm not
a piece of cake.

You're dreaming if you
thought you could
get the best of me,
you went too far and
dug our grave too deep,
you don't know what's
inside my skin,
you despise my strength
from within,
so now devour the
mess you're in.

You know I've had enough
and I don't want to know
if you've been crying,
I'm done self sacrificing,
You thought you could
break me,

but you could never sedate me,
You could never ruin someone
*so tough.

One time the inside of me was dead
only way to stop the jitters in my head
jitters forcing my heart to rip into shreds
Charging my pulse, forcing me to feel red  

One time the quite made me feel calm
Bruises slowly disappearing from my palm
The first time my breathing played like a song
Discovering the difference between what's right and  what's wrong

One time they said that I was too nice
they don't know my heart was once cold as ice
Experience comes with it's own special price
Your childhood would have been my paradise

One time I felt everyone else's pain
I saw how it moves through us like a chain
Fueling it's power through the dead right brain
Making ignorance a comfortable ball and chain

One time I screamed angry at the universe
Seems like being humane is a blessing and curse
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse
we have normalized a society that should make you averse  

One time I realized it's all worth the fight
It's not so bad to be someone else's light
Despite all the hatred I'll stay polite
because losing your character means losing the fight

I’m so tired of being the one on the ground,
With so many people surrounding me, yet nobody noticing I’m there
And then just stepping all over me, and not even apologizing once they’ve stepped on my insides.
Now I’m internally bleeding.

I'm tired of crying an ocean.
Then when people go to the beach, excited to splash in the water, they don’t.
Because they get scared of the monsters in the water.  

I'm tired of screaming my lungs out for help.
Because whilst I’m pleading for help, everybody hears
Silence.

I'm tired, I'm so tired of nobody listening.
I have cried out too many times:
“Please, I need somebody!”  
And all you do is walk along.

To you this is just writing, a poem, literature.
To me? It's me pouring my sorrow heart out
Hoping, with the last grain of hope in me, that somebody will listen.

I don’t need you to understand what I’m going through.
I don’t need you to understand my pain.
I don’t even need you to say anything in return.

I'm just...
So tired of cutting my arms and legs for other people
And not even getting a thank you or a nod of the head.

I am not asking you to rip your heart out your chest
And replace it with mine,
Because that will never relieve the pain buried into my soul.

I'm just asking and begging
Please just listen,
Just listen…

The unhappiness inside me is getting to my head.
It’s controlling the monsters I’ve been wanting to drown for so long.
They found a loophole and now they’re swimming in my mind.

Some have escaped my mind and are whispering in my ear.
Telling me to let it be.
I don’t want to let it be!
Please, I just want to be free…

I could rip your ears away from your imprudent mind
And pour my heart out until your eardrums can't take it,
And you would just go with your day as if all there ever was
Was silence.

The pain is there,
Even though I smile.
But the beasts do not want that no longer.

I just need somebody
To please just

Listen.