I’ve been crying a lot lately.

—

Swirling thoughts, as if they try to crush my existence. An endless staircase that leads me to nowhere but despair, despair, and another despair that greets me over and over. An unfathomable, non explainable feelings that I fail to express to others; and they only came out as faint scars. Countless voices screaming into my  imaginary ears that I yearn to stop, and I deafened myself from those voices by running away to even louder voices. Something inside of me that carves the walls of my skin with a gushing, sharpened knife, but I can’t grasp the reality of that knife so I just stand there and ignore it.

The cycle of me trying to fight my painful, unexplainable misery. Even so, I couldn’t cry.

I couldn’t express all of my predicament, so I couldn’t cry.

That’s why it became a cycle. Again, again, again! I suffer, to the point I want to cut my own throat and die.

“Don’t cry. Crying means you're weak,”

those were the words that were said to me ages ago. Why do I always remember that? I think the person who said that to me already forget about it.

—

Then, when I thought all of my miseries flooded inside me, they spilled. I cry, ugly face in front of the mirror. Oh boy, when was the last time I saw those eyes, that were usually red below the pupils, wet? When was the last time I sobbed that hard?

That was the first time I sat on the public toilet,

crying.

—

“What’s wrong with crying?”

A person said that to me. A person said that people who don’t cry are the weird ones; do they not blessed with these beautiful, miraculous thing called emotions? Cry, cry, cry, because tears are ...

—

So, the cycle came back to me. Gushing thoughts hitting me madly, along with staircases that still lead me to land of despair. But now, I cry when I think of them.

I cried.

And cried.

And cried and cried and cried.

—

I’ve been crying a lot lately.

I’m swimming deep inside my insecurities,
And I’m blaming myself over and over!
I smile at the jokes that were thrown at me,
But inside my room I’m drowning by my own negative thoughts!
I am but a walking disaster,
I write gibberish that contain words full of error,
I am only a bleeding girl living to survive,
I cannot look at people without hatred and jealousy,
I cannot breathe without thinking about the past,
The future is full of chills,
I just want to escape!
I just want to escape!
I want to disappear, so I won’t hear the voices!
I make mistakes, and I cannot run away,
I fall in love, but I cannot come to love myself.
I’m talentless, I do not have something I can be proud of.
I’m raining inside,
And no one is my umbrella.
I’m a walking disaster,
Living in this town of misery,
My wrist is soar waiting to be cut,
My eyes are shadows with tears,
Their voices are a nightmare, a nightmare,
Oh, oh,
Who would stand a walking disaster like me?

The demons live with me –
They have their own blankets ready,
So later we would go visit the creeks
And they will push me to the water and let me suffocate,
They will drown me in muds
They will blind me so all I could see is dark.

The demons live with me –
They invite me to our special hideout,
Decaying building and magical asbestos
And they will prepare an empty room full of irons and knives,
They will slit me with them
They will kiss me with them 'till I become numb.

The demons, the demons live with me –
They will celebrate my birthday party,
Their presents are bouquet of blights
And they also give me flaming matches for me to light up an inferno,
They will burn with me, laugh
They will burn every sadness I felt.

The demons live with me.
They are inside, they are calling me.
The demons, demons, demons,
THESE DEMONS,
          Demons,         d e m o n s
                                 are me.

Like water, humans are
Or like white sheets
Waiting to be painted.
Between the endless 'individuals',
They're waiting to be labelled.

So asked,
Where are you from or
Who taught you?
Before they registered
An official name.
But not how they act
Nor what they like.

So will you
Lead the group
Because you are commited
Or for free tickets?
Liars will answer.
If you don't?
You're selfish?
Or are you one with disability?

Like echoes,
But not music they bought.
Humans will listen to echoes,
And start to copy each other.
Label, re-writing.
Laughing. Worshipping. Ignoring.
That's how,
An individual was created.

I didn't mean to
       Throw myself into the dark hole.
But I has succumbed
           myself into an ocean
       mystique ocean, it looks like an ocean
                                       curiousity

Fall, I fell and fell and fell
           I got ****** in
         Vaccummed,
                   I thought I only fell
But bit by bit,
           My body got eaten up
      Bit by bit, black by black
I had been eaten by these noir things.

So hollow. So empty.
                  Can't help
But peer more into this thing
            I fell, going to be trapped soon
    So my eyes followed down
        Gazing, gazing, perhaps m e t o o,
   was gazed by the seemingly eye looking darkness below
              Abyss, down below
I am going to be eaten anyways.
        So why not know what those eyes are.
Watching  me, is it crawling
                   crawling, maybe I'm going to crawl myself too later
       In that dark void, no surface void
                                       There's probably nothing, or more.

tell me, how do I go on?
with your never ending blues
how am I supposed to paint on this limited canvas?
do I color your image with my tears,
or do I spill my inside and let it be?
or do I pretend like you are invisible?
dear Sky –
why do you keep spinning?
I am tired of drawing you.

engulfed in viridescent
i suffocate,
there’s no way my existence only live in one color!
at this rate, i will only absorb monochromatic colors-
boring, black and white colors-
my life isn’t an empty chess board!
my life is supposed to be a prism after sunlight, reflecting the colors of the rainbow rays after heavy rainstorm.
my life is supposed to be a clear cheerful lights that invite happy beams from every eyes that saw me!

where are those beams now?
there are,
but all of them are
impish
smiles.

it can’t be.
it can’t be.
now it’s only one solid color,
a color that allows me to be invisible.
perhaps
it’s better this way.
i would die rather than letting my morose colors transparent.

until when?
will i hide my colors forever?
but then, i will never witness the rays of the sun.
how will i refract rainbows, if i only let myself hide in the color of the night?

the sun.
the sun won’t come out.
but the clouds are here.
gray, heavy clouds leaking of water.

ah.
maybe i should wash my colors.
wash, wash, until i’m cleanse.
wash, wash,
the loud sounds of thunderstorm.
wash, wash, rain,
volatile sky projecting a vicious achromatic light.
let my colors melt in rain.

until my vicinity is filled with fluorescent bulbs,
‘til the sky is pastel,
'til holographic air diminish,
'til then,
i can see others beams,
and my own cheerful color
is the best one i could display so far.

Tell me, how do I drown my sorrows?
It is riding on a huge tidal waves,
and it brought along tsunami and hurricane.

Tell me, how do I chase my sadness away?
It screams into me, agonizing over every part of my memory,
and it haunts and possess me on every change it gets.

Tell me, please tell me how do I stop these sentiments?
It overcomes all of my emotions, now I feel numb
and it causes me to doubt each of my happiness, telling me they never existed in the first place.

Tell me, tell me how do I kick away this despondence,
how do I stop my negativity?
how do I stop questioning my positivity
how do I stop these mad screaming thoughts in my mind!?

Tell me,
but I can't even convey these messages to you.

Monochrome days.
Windows covered with white haze.
Infinite black rays.
Bathed in a mind full of daze.

Walk breathe live.
Again even if I no longer be relieved.
Endless intangible cursive.
Nothing more I no longer forgive.

A ghost, beneath all that dust.
Everything is now crusts.
Everything is a must.
Until I no longer frust.

It's looping May.
Still I'm a living weigh.
Things are now ashtray.
Colors are all still gray.

Monochrome days.
Oh, monochrome days.
Looping me continue to live.
As if I'm the final Eve.
Boring stardust.
Now it's all just rust.
Looping gray days.
Oh, looping monochrome days.

Pure, white roses,
Surrounding you as I feel your hot air,
Soft, gentle, sweet as you are,
And the hot red on your cheeks as you tired smile,

In the cold degree celcius in this closed space,
You were precious as I hold you tightly in my embrace

We, harvest,
Warped in the colour of your soft hair,
We were in the creamy night full of stars,
My love, let’s enjoy this moment for a longer while.

Can you feel this heartbeat?
It beats. One, two, three... It beats each seconds.
Wait. I think my pulses beat too.
One, two, three.
It is faster than I thought.
I touched my chest. My wrist. And every part that beats.
One! Two! Three! Four! Five!
How did I reach three hundred and sixty that quick?
It's sprinting. My heart is running away.
And suddenly. It sank.
My heart, fell into the ocean.
It breathes faster. It struggles to breathe. It's...
drowning.
Where is air—?
How suffocating it is. It's painful.
One. Two. Three —
Four. Five. Six —
SevenEightNineTenElevenTwelveThirteenFourteenFifteen
Toofasttoo­fasttoofasttoofast ———
Inhale. Exhale. Then breathe.
It. Can breathe. Now is okay.
But how is my heart floating. Floating. Floating, soarly flying.
Down. My heart is falling down. Slowly, slowly
slowly
Why can't it fall quickly?
Ah. My heart is
sinking. But it's still
beating.
One, Two, Three...
Can you hear it, darling?
The beatings of my heart.
Almost breaking.

The hearts that were connected were not signed by a contract,
But rather ******* by an imagined red string. //
Promises that came out from our mouths were definitely uncertain,
But to swear to god I will sacrifice every cells in me to make you happy.//
We definitely will have our rough times where you have no choice to let tears run down to your cheeks,
But I’ll make sure to keep the room warm and I’ll run to the next town to brew the tea that you like.//

You probably will doubt my choice of staying with you despite how our bridge seemed unstable at times over and over,
But this time I guarantee, I will kneel down the floor and ask you to marry me again, because I can’t ever have enough of having the happiest day with you.

I am me,
but he's full of colors splattered over a human-sized canvas
that I want him to paint me an Avant Garde
eventually we will make a mural of the sky from twilight to midnight,

but he's still far away, shining bright
only toned down slightly due to daylight.

I am me,
but he's an exclusive painting timezones away
and on my paper is without color but his
light inspired poetry.

I think I found my solace.
Under the never-looping azure above,
I declare that I found my
                [solitary]
sanctuary.

When the noises continue to vibrate,
the [pandemonium], the crowd
seems nothing if I hide under my comfort
                                                   s o l a c e t h .
This heavenly, a thing that stops everything from
                [buzzing]
         is no ordinary stim
                                           ( s o l a c e t h )

  I am happy
                     (euphoria sensation, tingling inside my under parts.)
  I breathe inside my solaceth paradise.
  The solaceth, I put them in my veins, so of course

I swallow my solaceth, I put them inside my veins, so of course
sticking on my skull, lingering under the PLASTIC, ONLY CLAY skin of mine.
It will never be faeces, because the solaceth is my blood
now, even my saliva and ***** now taste like solaceth
                               do you want to taste them?
it will never be urines, because I drink my SOLACETH back.
solaceth, [ d i s e a s e ? w h a t ? ] is me. I am solaceth,
solaceth inside me now.
Yes, maybe as you say, it's a virus.
A virus for us to finally reach our utopian land!
  Forever sniffing, forever living, our SOLACETH!

rotating sound of the passing time
enough to awaken my nausea
it’s like rush hour in my brain
it’s like rush hour but it’s silent
screaming, whispering and even footsteps
present, present, in my mind
even if i close my eyes!
even if i roll around on a bed so nice!
wavering thoughts,
countless ideas,
silent sounds, silent sounds, silent sounds,
shouting, shouting, shouting,
help me, help me
a vibrant voice that resounds in my body,
an existence but ceases till its a lost case
a helpless soul who simply couldn’t rest.
let me rest,
please, let me rest,
I want to sleep in my nest,
I just want to escape this restlessness.

help me, let me sleep,
stop these endless waves of mindless ideas.
stop me,
i’m begging you.

Your back is blurred,
And your existence is yelling
you are about to dissipate.
I can no longer see that vision of us together
Soon, you were to disappear
Away to the haze not even flocking birds could trace
Your atmosphere however, left an inkling in these fog in my memory.

You were in my dream, fading.
Disappear, diminishing,
without explaining why you left me half-alive.

An angel with a wing to cut the strings I long to escape from,
With heavenly smile and your voice singing to melt out my hardened heart,
Warm and soft as you continue to guide me out from this mess,
Your eyes shining as I confessed my love comparable to the size of paradise.

Even so,
You were only a guardian angel.
Calling me out from the depth of nearing hell.
You weren’t my lover,
Heck,
You were never even supposed to be mine

i start to wonder what should i do with myself. there are  lot of things needed to be done, and i’m swimming on top of the ocean of responsibilities, almost drowning actually. i don’t know how to get out of the ocean- i see people, yet i see not a single soul. they are all swimming freely, and here i am, struggling to even breathe. i was asked to swim to the shore, but how do i swim, when i can’t even breathe? i want to drown, it’s easier to drown and abandon everything away. every night, i cry, yet i don’t scream because i don’t need help in something as simple as swimming to the shore.

it’s easier to drown. it’s easier to drown and die, so i won’t be able to breathe again. i should drown. instead of weeping around, i should choke myself, drown, to the bottom of the ocean. i wish i could disappear. i wish no one would notice i disappear. i’m just a useless anchor bringing everyone down. i want to die. isn’t it easier if i die?

i want to drown. but the people i see are asking if i’m able to swim to the shore. i don’t need raft, i don’t need lifeguard. i can swim, so i don’t need them. i just want to be able to breathe, anyways. i can see people around me are ready to help, ready to throw me a float, and ready to teach me swim. all i have to do is to scream help. i know they’re good people. i know they’re sincere about wanting to help me. i know, i know that.

but how do i even scream? i forgot how to scream. i’ve been drifting on this ocean for long enough, i’ve been trying to breathe by myself, that i forgot i have the option to seek help. i want their help, yet i don’t know how. they’re all worried- they want me to reach the shore. what should i do? i’m barely breathing, i’m barely swimming. i’m barely living, so what do i do? i want their help, but i don’t know how to. what should i do?

i continue to breathe above the ocean. i could feel the cold water beneath me, inviting me to go deep down the ocean. it’s easier if i could just release myself and drown, but then i can imagine how sad and regretful the people will be. i don’t want that. i want them to just forget about me, so i can drown easily.

isn’t it easier if i just drown myself?
in this night, where no one can see me drown myself?

isn’t it easier if i die?

isn’t it easier if i **** myself?

Messed up thoughts, and the words that intoxicate you are tangling in your mind.
And your eyebags and hoarse and unmelodious voice,
And your smiles that lasted for seconds you can count with your fingers.
And your lonely feeling, cold as the freezing village.
Your ideas of love are dying,
An perspective of the world is changing,
Just like the four seasons,
It's quick to change.
That thing called emotion and that
Thing called empathy.
Deviant, and no more trying to reach.
Sleeping in a lucid dream, a horrible one
Wasted out breaths and dumb headache
Ugly laugh and sensitive tears.
It's too boring if you commit suicide
So, goodnight, sweetheart

peering into the looking glass
exists my complacent reality.
it is bright, pretty,
a nice-colored world painted with serenity.
completely different from where i am,
mine is dull, puzzling and a broken opaque crystal ball made of metal.
the world i am in is almost infernal,
somewhere where the sun only flickers every now and then.
even my never ending determination seems like an illusion that's waiting to shatter.
is that it? is that glass simply a delusion of mine, a wish fulfillment of me finally contempt with my vision full of clarity?

but no.

the looking glass is,

somewhere

i yet to reach.

it is the kaleidoscope that i can see when i finally pierce my colors together.

so i smile through the looking glass.




                                   my reflection glistens.

Every midnight
I close my eyes to see you smiling
But you were on top of clouds
And all surrounded by hazy blues,

I become a cloud chaser
But the wind blew you away
As I reach for the sky
I touched your soft grasp.

But you were never in my morning
every time I wake to a nightmare.
Every day, I fail to see you,
even up the sky.

Where's Atlair?
It is the one I'm searching for— but it's too bright.
Too early for stars, too early for creating scars.
But how can I breathe, if I'm blinded by sunlight?
Inhale this oxygen, the one everyone breathes,
But this one is what chokes me.
I need to stop breathing in order to live,
Not now— not now— But how can I wait?
It is there in the sky, but it's too invisible—
And right now is not the time to die as I'm too invincible—
However.I cannot wait. When can I walk?
It is still daylight, so I have to rest.
It is still heating, so I have to cool down.
'Till the cloud reveals the naked galaxy,
To the extent eclipse can blind everyone's eye (but me)
Only I, only I can fathom the constellation.
It is only me who can undress the truth of Milky Way,
So I have to get up. But soleil is still up.
It hurts to feel frozen. It hurts to see everyone smiling
At this ugly, deceitful day.
It hurts. And I have to ease everyone's pain.
It's still daylight, still not midnight,
But where's Vega?

Let me feel-
Every inch of my body are all n u m b
I can't even feel my heart beating
I need a hand! I need YOUR hand!
But did you
     r e a l i z e ?

How my fingers just want to scratch every layers of my skin
How the paper cut scars wrinkles every surface of my fragile lungs!
How cacophony is the only scream that echoes on every hallway of my mind!
How hollow is my mind, to be able to hear each wails of my body parts?

Let me feel-
Let me feel! Let me feel! LET ME FEEL!
Cut me through your threads,
Strangle me by your wires,
Stomp me on your heavy metallic existence!


But,
        did,
                you,
                         l i s t e n ?

i left her in hope to become a better person.
because she was toxic and her hobby was to strangle me,
and she whispered me a string of disastrous talks.
she kept me in my bedroom, tied me with rusty metals that i could smell my bleeding wrists,
she screams to me every night on how much she loves stabbing me in the chest.

i left her to become a better person,
i said i left, but really i ran away.
i threw away our memories that seems to be nothing but full of tears,
i start anew and tried to ****** happiness by giving him smiles and laughs.
i spend my weekend and evenings with happiness, so i could forget my ex lover named sadness.

even so,
every ceiling i looked up to remind me so much of the endless hugs sadness gave me
every floors i stepped on remind me of the time sadness dragged me away everytime i walk,
every place i was at reminds me of the way she held my hand tight, so tight that i was full of bruises.
while im chasing on happiness, which was still far away from me,
i miss sadness, who was always there for me.

i miss my ex lover, and her name is sadness.
but i think she will come back to me again soon, i’m sure.

when will I burn passionately as a star?
the way I am now, only a tiny sparkle in the vast milky universe,
waiting to fall and destroy the mystic creatures of the earth.

One day,
we will be all space dust
Reduced to nothing.

Even with that say,
i am still just a crust
Hidden inside everything.