i start to wonder what should i do with myself. there are  lot of things needed to be done, and i’m swimming on top of the ocean of responsibilities, almost drowning actually. i don’t know how to get out of the ocean- i see people, yet i see not a single soul. they are all swimming freely, and here i am, struggling to even breathe. i was asked to swim to the shore, but how do i swim, when i can’t even breathe? i want to drown, it’s easier to drown and abandon everything away. every night, i cry, yet i don’t scream because i don’t need help in something as simple as swimming to the shore.

it’s easier to drown. it’s easier to drown and die, so i won’t be able to breathe again. i should drown. instead of weeping around, i should choke myself, drown, to the bottom of the ocean. i wish i could disappear. i wish no one would notice i disappear. i’m just a useless anchor bringing everyone down. i want to die. isn’t it easier if i die?

i want to drown. but the people i see are asking if i’m able to swim to the shore. i don’t need raft, i don’t need lifeguard. i can swim, so i don’t need them. i just want to be able to breathe, anyways. i can see people around me are ready to help, ready to throw me a float, and ready to teach me swim. all i have to do is to scream help. i know they’re good people. i know they’re sincere about wanting to help me. i know, i know that.

but how do i even scream? i forgot how to scream. i’ve been drifting on this ocean for long enough, i’ve been trying to breathe by myself, that i forgot i have the option to seek help. i want their help, yet i don’t know how. they’re all worried- they want me to reach the shore. what should i do? i’m barely breathing, i’m barely swimming. i’m barely living, so what do i do? i want their help, but i don’t know how to. what should i do?

i continue to breathe above the ocean. i could feel the cold water beneath me, inviting me to go deep down the ocean. it’s easier if i could just release myself and drown, but then i can imagine how sad and regretful the people will be. i don’t want that. i want them to just forget about me, so i can drown easily.

isn’t it easier if i just drown myself?
in this night, where no one can see me drown myself?

isn’t it easier if i die?

isn’t it easier if i **** myself?

i left her in hope to become a better person.
because she was toxic and her hobby was to strangle me,
and she whispered me a string of disastrous talks.
she kept me in my bedroom, tied me with rusty metals that i could smell my bleeding wrists,
she screams to me every night on how much she loves stabbing me in the chest.

i left her to become a better person,
i said i left, but really i ran away.
i threw away our memories that seems to be nothing but full of tears,
i start anew and tried to ****** happiness by giving him smiles and laughs.
i spend my weekend and evenings with happiness, so i could forget my ex lover named sadness.

even so,
every ceiling i looked up to remind me so much of the endless hugs sadness gave me
every floors i stepped on remind me of the time sadness dragged me away everytime i walk,
every place i was at reminds me of the way she held my hand tight, so tight that i was full of bruises.
while im chasing on happiness, which was still far away from me,
i miss sadness, who was always there for me.

i miss my ex lover, and her name is sadness.
but i think she will come back to me again soon, i’m sure.

I’ve been crying a lot lately.

—

Swirling thoughts, as if they try to crush my existence. An endless staircase that leads me to nowhere but despair, despair, and another despair that greets me over and over. An unfathomable, non explainable feelings that I fail to express to others; and they only came out as faint scars. Countless voices screaming into my  imaginary ears that I yearn to stop, and I deafened myself from those voices by running away to even louder voices. Something inside of me that carves the walls of my skin with a gushing, sharpened knife, but I can’t grasp the reality of that knife so I just stand there and ignore it.

The cycle of me trying to fight my painful, unexplainable misery. Even so, I couldn’t cry.

I couldn’t express all of my predicament, so I couldn’t cry.

That’s why it became a cycle. Again, again, again! I suffer, to the point I want to cut my own throat and die.

“Don’t cry. Crying means you're weak,”

those were the words that were said to me ages ago. Why do I always remember that? I think the person who said that to me already forget about it.

—

Then, when I thought all of my miseries flooded inside me, they spilled. I cry, ugly face in front of the mirror. Oh boy, when was the last time I saw those eyes, that were usually red below the pupils, wet? When was the last time I sobbed that hard?

That was the first time I sat on the public toilet,

crying.

—

“What’s wrong with crying?”

A person said that to me. A person said that people who don’t cry are the weird ones; do they not blessed with these beautiful, miraculous thing called emotions? Cry, cry, cry, because tears are ...

—

So, the cycle came back to me. Gushing thoughts hitting me madly, along with staircases that still lead me to land of despair. But now, I cry when I think of them.

I cried.

And cried.

And cried and cried and cried.

—

I’ve been crying a lot lately.

I am me,
but he's full of colors splattered over a human-sized canvas
that I want him to paint me an Avant Garde
eventually we will make a mural of the sky from twilight to midnight,

but he's still far away, shining bright
only toned down slightly due to daylight.

I am me,
but he's an exclusive painting timezones away
and on my paper is without color but his
light inspired poetry.

engulfed in viridescent
i suffocate,
there’s no way my existence only live in one color!
at this rate, i will only absorb monochromatic colors-
boring, black and white colors-
my life isn’t an empty chess board!
my life is supposed to be a prism after sunlight, reflecting the colors of the rainbow rays after heavy rainstorm.
my life is supposed to be a clear cheerful lights that invite happy beams from every eyes that saw me!

where are those beams now?
there are,
but all of them are
impish
smiles.

it can’t be.
it can’t be.
now it’s only one solid color,
a color that allows me to be invisible.
perhaps
it’s better this way.
i would die rather than letting my morose colors transparent.

until when?
will i hide my colors forever?
but then, i will never witness the rays of the sun.
how will i refract rainbows, if i only let myself hide in the color of the night?

the sun.
the sun won’t come out.
but the clouds are here.
gray, heavy clouds leaking of water.

ah.
maybe i should wash my colors.
wash, wash, until i’m cleanse.
wash, wash,
the loud sounds of thunderstorm.
wash, wash, rain,
volatile sky projecting a vicious achromatic light.
let my colors melt in rain.

until my vicinity is filled with fluorescent bulbs,
‘til the sky is pastel,
'til holographic air diminish,
'til then,
i can see others beams,
and my own cheerful color
is the best one i could display so far.

rotating sound of the passing time
enough to awaken my nausea
it’s like rush hour in my brain
it’s like rush hour but it’s silent
screaming, whispering and even footsteps
present, present, in my mind
even if i close my eyes!
even if i roll around on a bed so nice!
wavering thoughts,
countless ideas,
silent sounds, silent sounds, silent sounds,
shouting, shouting, shouting,
help me, help me
a vibrant voice that resounds in my body,
an existence but ceases till its a lost case
a helpless soul who simply couldn’t rest.
let me rest,
please, let me rest,
I want to sleep in my nest,
I just want to escape this restlessness.

help me, let me sleep,
stop these endless waves of mindless ideas.
stop me,
i’m begging you.

Tell me, how do I drown my sorrows?
It is riding on a huge tidal waves,
and it brought along tsunami and hurricane.

Tell me, how do I chase my sadness away?
It screams into me, agonizing over every part of my memory,
and it haunts and possess me on every change it gets.

Tell me, please tell me how do I stop these sentiments?
It overcomes all of my emotions, now I feel numb
and it causes me to doubt each of my happiness, telling me they never existed in the first place.

Tell me, tell me how do I kick away this despondence,
how do I stop my negativity?
how do I stop questioning my positivity
how do I stop these mad screaming thoughts in my mind!?

Tell me,
but I can't even convey these messages to you.