A H J Nov 2017

engulfed in viridescent
i suffocate,
there’s no way my existence only live in one color!
at this rate, i will only absorb monochromatic colors-
boring, black and white colors-
my life isn’t an empty chess board!
my life is supposed to be a prism after sunlight, reflecting the colors of the rainbow rays after heavy rainstorm.
my life is supposed to be a clear cheerful lights that invite happy beams from every eyes that saw me!

where are those beams now?
there are,
but all of them are

it can’t be.
it can’t be.
now it’s only one solid color,
a color that allows me to be invisible.
it’s better this way.
i would die rather than letting my morose colors transparent.

until when?
will i hide my colors forever?
but then, i will never witness the rays of the sun.
how will i refract rainbows, if i only let myself hide in the color of the night?

the sun.
the sun won’t come out.
but the clouds are here.
gray, heavy clouds leaking of water.

maybe i should wash my colors.
wash, wash, until i’m cleanse.
wash, wash,
the loud sounds of thunderstorm.
wash, wash, rain,
volatile sky projecting a vicious achromatic light.
let my colors melt in rain.

until my vicinity is filled with fluorescent bulbs,
‘til the sky is pastel,
'til holographic air diminish,
'til then,
i can see others beams,
and my own cheerful color
is the best one i could display so far.

showing your true self to others is hard. but it's not impossible.
A H J Nov 2017

rotating sound of the passing time
enough to awaken my nausea
it’s like rush hour in my brain
it’s like rush hour but it’s silent
screaming, whispering and even footsteps
present, present, in my mind
even if i close my eyes!
even if i roll around on a bed so nice!
wavering thoughts,
countless ideas,
silent sounds, silent sounds, silent sounds,
shouting, shouting, shouting,
help me, help me
a vibrant voice that resounds in my body,
an existence but ceases till its a lost case
a helpless soul who simply couldn’t rest.
let me rest,
please, let me rest,
I want to sleep in my nest,
I just want to escape this restlessness.

help me, let me sleep,
stop these endless waves of mindless ideas.
stop me,
i’m begging you.

i can't sleep!
A H J Nov 2017

Tell me, how do I drown my sorrows?
It is riding on a huge tidal waves,
and it brought along tsunami and hurricane.

Tell me, how do I chase my sadness away?
It screams into me, agonizing over every part of my memory,
and it haunts and possess me on every change it gets.

Tell me, please tell me how do I stop these sentiments?
It overcomes all of my emotions, now I feel numb
and it causes me to doubt each of my happiness, telling me they never existed in the first place.

Tell me, tell me how do I kick away this despondence,
how do I stop my negativity?
how do I stop questioning my positivity
how do I stop these mad screaming thoughts in my mind!?

Tell me,
but I can't even convey these messages to you.

A H J Nov 2017

I think I found my solace.
Under the never-looping azure above,
I declare that I found my

When the noises continue to vibrate,
the [pandemonium], the crowd
seems nothing if I hide under my comfort
                                                   s o l a c e t h .
This heavenly, a thing that stops everything from
         is no ordinary stim
                                           ( s o l a c e t h )

  I am happy
                     (euphoria sensation, tingling inside my under parts.)
  I breathe inside my solaceth paradise.
  The solaceth, I put them in my veins, so of course

I swallow my solaceth, I put them inside my veins, so of course
sticking on my skull, lingering under the PLASTIC, ONLY CLAY skin of mine.
It will never be faeces, because the solaceth is my blood
now, even my saliva and vomit now taste like solaceth
                               do you want to taste them?
it will never be urines, because I drink my SOLACETH back.
solaceth, [ d i s e a s e ? w h a t ? ] is me. I am solaceth,
solaceth inside me now.
Yes, maybe as you say, it's a virus.
A virus for us to finally reach our utopian land!
  Forever sniffing, forever living, our SOLACETH!

unhealthy addiction.
A H J Oct 2017

tell me, how do I go on?
with your never ending blues
how am I supposed to paint on this limited canvas?
do I color your image with my tears,
or do I spill my inside and let it be?
or do I pretend like you are invisible?
dear Sky –
why do you keep spinning?
I am tired of drawing you.

sometimes it's hard to even wake up.
A H J Oct 2017

peering into the looking glass
exists my complacent reality.
it is bright, pretty,
a nice-colored world painted with serenity.
completely different from where i am,
mine is dull, puzzling and a broken opaque crystal ball made of metal.
the world i am in is almost infernal,
somewhere where the sun only flickers every now and then.
even my never ending determination seems like an illusion that's waiting to shatter.
is that it? is that glass simply a delusion of mine, a wish fulfillment of me finally contempt with my vision full of clarity?

but no.

the looking glass is,


i yet to reach.

it is the kaleidoscope that i can see when i finally pierce my colors together.

so i smile through the looking glass.

                                   my reflection glistens.

A H J Oct 2017

I didn't mean to
       Throw myself into the dark hole.
But I has succumbed
           myself into an ocean
       mystique ocean, it looks like an ocean

Fall, I fell and fell and fell
           I got sucked in
                   I thought I only fell
But bit by bit,
           My body got eaten up
      Bit by bit, black by black
I had been eaten by these noir things.

So hollow. So empty.
                  Can't help
But peer more into this thing
            I fell, going to be trapped soon
    So my eyes followed down
        Gazing, gazing, perhaps m e t o o,
   was gazed by the seemingly eye looking darkness below
              Abyss, down below
I am going to be eaten anyways.
        So why not know what those eyes are.
Watching  me, is it crawling
                   crawling, maybe I'm going to crawl myself too later
       In that dark void, no surface void
                                       There's probably nothing, or more.

"and if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche
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