She told me to let her go.
Her son told me that I wasn't good enough.
And that he was leaving too.

I'm still not alone.
But now I fall into my own shadow.
In the grave, I'm truly and completely alone.

Nauseous and weighed down by a pit in my stomach. I feel the same things I felt that day in silences that often overwhelm my senses. I cried for you, I felt the insides of the void you left behind and cried some more.
I didn't know you as much as I should have. I didn't talk to you as much as I should have. I didn't hold your hand or massage your feet as much as I should have. I didn't understand that you could go away, as much as I should have.
I regret my callousness when I remember how they cried when you left us. When I remember how I cried when I thought of the pain everyone was going through.
Ever since I could see, I saw you. Smiling and praying and scolding. I never did expect that you would have to leave. We never think that the places we seen since birth could one day no longer be there, do we?
But thank you, thank you for calling me your grandson, for praying for me night after night, for imprinting powerful Bible verses into me. For giving me your vitamin candies. For holding my heavy hand in your frail one.
You are the kindest soul I have ever seen, always smiling, always talking to random people like they're your children. You smiled better than flowers did and spoke of only good things. Never did I hear a harsh word even begin to form on your lips.
I am sorry. If I could, I'd remember all your smiles and all your wrinkles. And all your love.

Thank you for being my grandmother.

I crave it, that feeling of fulfillment,
I crave what my mind has not truly known,
The freedom it had only glimpses of,
in between half-finished verses and smudged sketches,
Through the letters spotted by tears and laughter that sometimes ripples through,
I've had enough of defense mechanisms and inferiority complexes,
I'm done with shallow conversations and half-deaf relationships,
Dumbing down for a larger audience is not worth my confidence,
I ask only for a truly open heart and a world that will yet again not listen.

..
1. try not to think about it
2. you have it so much easier than so many people
3. You can't help me
4. so?
5. your taste in music is ****
6. I'm leaving
7. what pain do you have
8. it hurts Micah, the universe hurts
9. don't be so depressed all the time?
10. Don't you wish you had gone with her?
11. I can't sleep, I want to die
12. You sing horribly
13. you are paranoid and bitter
14. you are a bully
15. I'm leaving
16. you aren't worthy of being my son
17. there's no life in your art
18. this guy? he's such a loser
19. go to sleep
20. who does he think he is?
21. you don't know the difference between w and m?
22. He's a lost cause
23. You made her like this
24.You made her like this
25. I'm leaving
26. but why does he make them suffer so much?
27. People like him are the worst
28. I was his powerplay
29. you are not good enough
30. I grew up too fast, they made me
31. are you out of your so-called depression?
32. useless
33. She's gone micah, she's gone
34. you can never escape becoming your parents
35. I'm fine, don't worry
36. you can't dance for ****
37. I'm leaving
38. He fell
39. I sometimes wonder, is it my fault?

The awake hummingbird flits,
At speeds beyond imagination over dark daisies and roses,
Little Pearls unerringly grow in deep ocean sands,
Concealed behind deceiving waters from the times of Moses.

A wobbling chair shifts on the glistening porch,
By the sands that move with the soul of the azure sea,
Where Calypso sits nestling the locket of the man she will lose tonight,
All of creation moves with her sobs in perfect harmony.

In the vistas of far reaching coconut trees,
The wind rushes to and fro,
Concocting a strange chilling melody,
A song that the seagulls forgot; that now only the ancient spirits know.

These notes that precede and proclaim the farewell that is to come,
Once again trapped within the confines of her paradise,
Calypso will cry once more when the man she had loved would have to go,
Deep within her aching heart without any comfort, her tears would have to suffice.

The day I put a mirror to my heart, To find out who I really was,
This world didn't change me, it didn't burn me with its flame,
No! I gave in to it, And once again I had no one else blame.

By now most of you know now,
This is your story too,
And no matter how much we draw and paint it red, green and blue,
We just can't fake it anymore.
It's still just cardboard world,
Yearning to be burnt down.

There’ll be times you feel all alone
No one will know what you are going through
Life will seem meaningless
But there is hope for you

I see you tears, your broken heart
You cry out for help, beneath your silence
Still try to cover it with a smile
Fear not my child; I won’t abandon you to the violence

Your life is precious to me
I’ll look after you as you sleep
I love you my pearl and nothing ever can change that
Listen to my voice precious, feel this love so deep

Keep hope my sparrow
I’ll nurse your broken wing
Once again you’ll fly high
Once again, in these meadows, your sweet voice will sing.

P* erception of perfection you peep through,
Pasty pallid skin, polished and hairless too.

O rifices overloaded with objects inserted,
Onus on organs contorted and inverted.

R ated R for restricted but,
Revered in every racing, raving heart.

N o escape, never real, a never-ending reel,
Note now how it is the act and the squeal, never the feel.



I t is its own doom, on a breakfast platter, glittering,

S erving your imagination an unforgettable, unfulfilable fantasy.



A lways present to build a prison cell and still calls you free.



T rue to itself but a lie nevertheless,

R uinous rapture you have there, rupturing a future,

A way from the light to higher heights of depravity fly,

P ursue a mirage, put on its chains now.


Did you fall too?
I was hoping you'd give me a hand.

Laying awake at ungodly hours,
I've often stared into a ceiling that I reflexively believed to be present.

But, whenever I did find myself at leisure from sweating and sleeping,
it was always too dark to make sure that the roof was still there. And this invoked a primal fear within me.

If you need to ask why I felt afraid, you've never been a father.

A father closer to the grave than any of the naive goals he'd set for himself as a child.
A father who had traded his breath and blood for bread and a burrow.
*This uncertain roof, often made me ask, "Has it been worth it?"

Stains trail her fingers
like ghosts from fifteen Christmases ago  
Mom's brand new china plates at her feet
taunting her from beneath

She rubs mirrors clean
of herself, hoping to wipe her
gently disdained breath fogging up the
cracked windshield of a toppled car

There's seven shades of shame
Ten tints of timid inferiority
Fourteen flashes of frantic
Hundred hues of hurt

A little child watching TV, I was fed clichés and stereotypes all day long. I decided I'd never succumb to being put in a box. So I changed fast and furiously, always on top of what they thought of me. If they call me x, I'll be 56. So I changed and changed, going through piles after piles of masks.
Now I have forgotten what I look like.
I go to the mirror for answers but it spits my past disdain into my face. And I stand there, tired of not being, and trying to be. All these masks have changed my face and I am lost. Forever.

Do you see the wreckage I walked out of
Braced myself, Fire Flame, Crash landing.
And the smoke of death has reached my flared nostrils
What is the less poisonous of two fumes?
One reeks of death, sadness and inevitability
of blood, tears and the pain of living.
The other smells of green ignorance
anaesthesia.
Take my pain.

So I, I took the path well taken, for I
didn't have the courage to look
at the broken bone jutting from my shin
Dull me, Numb me, Let me waste away in bliss
This existence is my bane, my plane crash.

None of these places,
The towering cliffs,
The roaring seas,
The vast clouds,

None of them remind me of my inadequacy,
As much as your eyes do.

These besieged walls
Cry tears of blood and pain
Lives, like lights, fade
As butterflies get crushed by the rain.

Hungry stomachs run amok
Ostracized by civilization
They consume what they find
Eat dog or child, reach satiation.

Jaunt, weak and orphaned
Zrano staggers along
Fed by hunger, he still runs
On these bloodied streets all alone.

“Zrano!” the old man cries
“I’m hungry and starving my child
Give me some of your flesh
That I may feed myself tonight”.

Zrano replied “No! My old man
I got to run,
Lily, she’s waiting for me now
We have to catch up on a lot of fun”
  
Zrano went to that place
Where he’d first seen Lily
A faint white bloom, in the swamps of gloom
He’d brought her water, loved her truly.

Unlike his city
Zrano stayed sane
This was his secret
To not let a flower die in vain

Sanity was his survival
Love was his vital tool
Innocently he loved a flower
While the world thought he was a Fool.

It is one of the fifty five ways to find a friend,
Do they plead ignorance when you need it the most?
Do they hold up that gentle facade till the very end?

When you don't need reality,
Do they make it go away with something witty?

Even with grief and sorrow written all over their faces,
Do they laugh , laugh and laugh, till they don't have to hide their tears?
Do they call you home when you are moping in your dark spaces?

Can they hide their sorrow,
To Make you forget your fated tomorrow?

Their eyes may wrinkle a little lesser each time they smile,
Their voices may not quite seem to be fully existent,
But you are still taken by their mirth, as a balm for a while.

*Oh how I pity the departing soul that doesn't have friends that they didn't buy,
But how much more pity I have, for those whose friends cannot lie.

I must tell stories again,
Of people I haven't met,
Of hearts I haven't felt.
I must let my soul out,
To wander into another pair of eyes,
Into veins that throb to another heart.
Weary I am of my one narrative,
I must tell stories again.
I must know what it means
To be more than me.

Small* eyes that slowly grow,
See beautiful worlds turn ******,
Sense that arrogance in people,
Sensuality turning minds lonely.

But, unspared this onslaught,
I hear thoughts within the dark recesses of my mind,
That shame and shock me,
Fearing to dig further, afraid of what I’ll find.

Chasing love into barren deserts,
Mirages and illusions leave me thirsty,
In the race to fill up the hole in your heart,
I am begging for love, where could it be?

Turn slowly to the lies we’re fed,
Inside and over time, we change our sights,
Till the point that rational belief is lost,
My disbelief with blind faith would fight.

One day I stood on the precipice of truth,
And love that overwhelms, I found it,
Hopelessness wasn’t my life anymore,
Because rags do not a prince befit.

Finally when his love overpowers my every doubt,
And we surrender to the flood of heaven,
That void inside is at last, filled,
With forgiveness, seven times seventy seven.

So if you struggle to believe in a god,
Who loves, lives and sets you free,
Get down on your knees and say,
“God if you are there, Show yourself to me”

Observing you
Animated, you speak in increasing overtones, filtering even traces of any creeping monotones.
With a passion that boils like lava in volcanic fissures, you express your convictions in strong hand gestures.
I see in you a certain glow, within which your inner strength shows.
I know now that you're one to stand up and not leave.
I see in you, a solid belief.

Your head whips back, as growing laughter wracks you in vibrations sharp, every little motion originating from your hearts little shards.
I see in you, something I don't see in me, a bravery to bear the brunt of a dishonest society.
No need have you, to repress or regress every feeling or thought, so subconsciously you confess. You detest going through the motions, but know enough to be true to your emotions.
I see in you something for me, honesty.

As you speak of the people you lost and the people you just had to let go of, an incomplete smile and lying eyes tell the story that your lips just cannot. Smothered by the memories, your smile waits for the tension to release.
It twitches and ceases, seemingly against its own wishes.
I see a broken world in your eyes, but also a flame that never dies.
I see in you a veteran of storms, a resounding bell that never stops.

A temper you hold, that often flares in your eyebrows.
I steal a glimpse, even when you won't let it show. But you hold your beast down, and a more permanent smile replaces that momentary frown, as you reject the things that make you drown.
I see in you kindness and resilience.
I see in you, empathy and forbearance.

You speak of a thousand places and times and a oceanful of faces.
You speak of the worlds that you are a part of, the experiences that you're at the heart of.
Your eyes tell is wonders that are and have been. Even your songs bear the mark of the celestial, a beauty that stands on a pedestal.
I see in you, the work of God and now to the effect I see how you really are, imperfectly perfect.

It’s been three years since that wretched accident
It all started as little flame
Which swallowed you without a trace


The ambulances arrived as the fires blazed
And on and on the red lights and sirens blared


Before one glimpse of you I could see
They ripped you away from me
Pulled me back as I ran toward you
As over your head they put a white sheet new


I paused as they closed the doors and drove away
You just couldn’t be dead
I just knew
It couldn’t be true


The pure agony, I felt it
The raw pain, I dealt with
It ripped my heart away
The tears flowed Finding no reason to stop


I was the only one who knew my life
The only one who knew how I survived


Even with each passing year of sorrow
My love for you grew on
I guess you knew
I guess you saw that I still loved you


So you came back to me
You came back!!!
Back to life and
Back to my life
Like a ray of light
You swallowed the darkness inside

Now all I can seeis you
I don't know if your return is really true
Now you are by my side every time

But I don’t care as long as
You are here
As long as
You are near

You dance beside our bed like you always did
While I lay listening
To the rustle of your clothes
The* ******* of your earrings

And I sleep peacefully today
Knowing totally in a way
That some day I’ll be with you
ONE DAY I’ll dance with you …

Sitting on the window; looking out onto the terrace,
I was gazing into the twilight, feeling the wind seep into my heart,
Right then he had started to play.

A lonely figure in the moonlight, he was a solitary monk,
Strumming away on his guitar,
Luring out heaven’s saddest notes on the way.

And I began to lose myself too,
In the depths of his deep baritone voice of immeasurable sorrow,
As I vainly fought to blink the tears away.


His music had taken me home in another time,
Into her loving arms softer than soft,
Those that nursed me once and set me right.

I took the violin in my trembling hand,
Accompanying the lonely singer, I lapsed into the past,
The past that I didn’t want to have fight.

The fire that had taken her body, raged within me now,
Every note stabbed our souls as we keened; the world awoke to us,
Mine and his, our grief and music intertwined.

He finally looked up, right onto my face searching a balm for his fractured soul,
And all he saw was his own pain reflected in mine,
We kept on playing; Into that dark, cold night.


**For our first love,
The first face we ever saw with open eyes,
For a mother, A gasp of fresh air,
For the love, the love of our life.

I have your heart in a vise and I'm tightening the screws
Watch me wring you for every bit of joy you thought you had
You are on my worktable and after I dry you to the bone, I'll go to work on you
I will whisper sweet nothings into your ear as I pull out your fingernails, one by one
Say my name, you will beg for me, I will give you nothing but agony, but you will still thirst.

The rain stings your face
as you scream into the night
hands held up, you fall to your knees
break free girl, of these chains so tight.

Death holds you by the throat
pins you down and bullies you
all you need, is scarlet grace
from the tree of Golgotha, to renew.

To save you, he was speared
As thorns bore into his skull torn
he chose to go to hell for you
than remain without you in heaven.

Light pours from his bleeding scars
joy and happiness to fill you now
this is all he ever knew
to save, forgive and love you.

So have hope, keep believing
you are everything to him.

He runs with unbridled joy
And eats every biscuit that he licks
His eyes light up with every new toy
‘Twas a beautiful world and he was just six.

Learning to make friends at school
Coloring books, catching crooks
Pulling ponytails, breaking rules
Big eyes that mesmerize with every look.

Everything was beautiful bliss
But soon this peace was destroyed
His innocence was robbed starting with an unwanted kiss
And the soul became cold, dark and void.

The evil one dimmed his happy fire
And unsparingly exploited his vulnerability
Used his body for  evil desire
Repeatedly ***** him most ruthlessly.

That boy with the spark in his eyes is gone
Salty tears instead of the chocolate ice creams
Blamed god for everything that went wrong
But Alas! No one heard his screams.

He lies down exhausted
Nursing his wounds and scars
Waiting for the train to come around
He was spared to live long and far.

The evil one took everything that he had
But today he fights continuously
To spare others, his fate as a lad
Defiance to the evil one he shows tirelessly.

Because there’s one hope that leads him on
Wounds will heal, scars will fade
Remembering the pain, he cries alone
My son, I’m with you , do not be afraid.

Somedays, when the voices around him plunged into a violent chaos, he would get up from where he lay. Wordlessly he'd walk out of the door, every step seemed to pass right through the flooring. Such a silent yet determined gait, he held. While the insides of his house painted themselves red with the blood of broken words and hearts, he doggedly kept his stride in synchronization with the silence in his heart.
The caresses of the wind that once he held so dear, felt like a wasteful largess now. It swept bittersweet memories into his eyes, like a battering ram through all his defences. He reminded me of the teetering top in that moment, right on the edge of falling. But as vertigo captured him, he became aware of the fall that loomed before him.
Sighing, he set to work picking up the pieces, before the cursed wind swept it out of his control once again.
And there it happened, where it always did, like an unlearned mistake. Before the moment completed itself, he was submerged under the weight of his overbearing sorrow once again. Like a schoolyard bully, it tossed him around.
And as his heart finally came to terms with the inevitability of its hopelessness., he embraced the pain. Holding it close to his heart like a returning lover.

No longer barred, the tears finally flow, steady and slow.

Strutting feathers,
Nose I hold in high contempt of all things,
Look at this preening fool in bad weather,
And find in me a little piece of nothing.

A hole, another null area, a void,
A reciprocal infinity, a tranquillity internally collapsing,
A black space within my darkest face ,
One never acknowledged publicly.

Therein lay the worst thoughts 'never' had,
It is the place where my Nothing hides,
You have one too.
Have you found it yet?
Please read on only when you do,

This Void never really goes away,
And I fed it, in the hope of making it disappear,
Threw at it all that money can buy,
And all that it couldn't,
But at the end came to a realization,
That Everything you do has an effect on this hell hole,
But nothing you do, will ever decrease it,
Your only hope remains in keeping it constant and bearable,

*For this is the meaning of life,
Keeping this Nothing from becoming you.

Finding you was easy,
The squirrel that finds an acorn,
One that it is happily surprised to see.

Making a place for you in me was a little harder, you see,
It digs steadily, small paws boring into the ground,
Reconsider, a safer place for you is deeper, farther in.

Losing you is harder still,
Winter's coming,
And I haven't had my fill.

Losing someone before being found,
It may not be profound,
But even the squirrel will tell you now,.
Deeper does not mean any safer than above.

I'm Lost within the storms
They rage within me 
I ***** in the dark 
Trying to find my way out of this mess. 

I want to live like you live
Smile because you want me to
And laugh because i mean it 
Every tear takes me further down. 

I'm still not all i want to be
Still become sad for nothing
Still fear the great unknown
Worry because that's all i can do. 

Maybe this is the boat close to land
The only hope hidden by the fog
Maybe this is the way i'll learn someday
That you'll always hold me forever and ever.

-----
Have you ever halted in the middle of street,
Stopping, and pausing even your heartbeat,
All because you heard a voice,
A voice with your name cradled in it.

You might have turned around then,
Searched and found no familiar faced friend,
Then you might have walked on again,
Telling yourself it was all in your head.


If you're to be believed.  
------

------
But if you had ever followed that sound,
You would have very well found,
A world apart from yours,
Where magic reigns and physics holds no doubt.

A place of wonder and awe,
Beauty, the likes of which you never saw,
Beautiful in nature and its creatures,
A place without limits or laws.

A garden of gold, silver and platinum,
Where beautiful bodied angels lightly hum,
And sing of music and knowledge and all that is to admire,
Where every sorrow, every pain is lost in the depth of a harped strum.

If you ever followed the voice you might find a world that is,
Much more than you ever saw or dreamed,
But only if you have the courage to follow,
That Voice to This World and let it swallow you whole.


And That's what they would like you to believe.
-----

-----
But No! I'm here to tell you to flee,
The song of these sirens points to no paradise free,
They call out the names of those that they thirst for,
When your crimson blood calls out to their very being.

They don't discriminate between a man or woman,
Fair or dark, animal or human,
But there's one life they spare,
A child with more innocence than they can bear.

So when a child tells you of an invisible companion,
Know that the little one is not lying,
Know the danger is closer to home than you think,
There's destruction coming, one beyond comparison.

There's more threat in that one harmless, faceless voice,
Than eerie laughter in the night of no noise,
More death resides in that one unsolicited call,
Than in the blackness of the darkest voids.

Do you know the terrors of the seven hells?
Then you better be listening to me well,
Because if they call you and you do look back,
They will find you and rejoice at the agony in your yells.

They are sharpening their teeth,
In anticipation they are waiting to eat,
And even as we quietly whisper about this abomination,
All they want is a few human tears and a little human meat.




Well that is, if I am to be believed.
------

-----
Have you ever halted in the middle of street,
Stopping, and pausing even your heartbeat,
All because you heard a voice,
A voice with your name cradled in it.

You might have turned around then,
Searched and found no familiar faced friend,
Then you might have walked on again,
Telling yourself it was all in your head.


If you're to be believed.  
------

------
But if you had ever followed that sound,
You would have very well found,
A world apart from yours,
Where magic reigns and physics holds no doubt.

A place of wonder and awe,
Beauty, the likes of which you never saw,
Beautiful in nature and its creatures,
A place without limits or laws.

A garden of gold, silver and platinum,
Where beautiful bodied angels lightly hum,
And sing of music and knowledge and all that is to admire,
Where every sorrow, every pain is lost in the depth of a harped strum.

If you ever followed the voice you might find a world that is,
Much more than you ever saw or dreamed,
But only if you have the courage to follow,
That Voice to This World and let it swallow you whole.


And That's what they would like you to believe.
-----

-----
But No! I'm here to tell you to flee,
The song of these sirens points to no paradise free,
They call out the names of those that they thirst for,
When your crimson blood calls out to their very being.

They don't discriminate between a man or woman,
Fair or dark, animal or human,
But there's one life they spare,
A child with more innocence than they can bear.

So when a child tells you of an invisible companion,
Know that the little one is not lying,
Know the danger is closer to home than you think,
There's destruction coming, one beyond comparison.

There's more threat in that one harmless, faceless voice,
Than eerie laughter in the night of no noise,
More death resides in that one unsolicited call,
Than in the blackness of the darkest voids.

Do you know the terrors of the seven hells?
Then you better be listening to me well,
Because if they call you and you do look back,
They will find you and rejoice at the agony in your yells.

They are sharpening their teeth,
In anticipation they are waiting to eat,
And even as we quietly whisper about this abomination,
All they want is a few human tears and a little human meat.




Well that is, if I am to be believed.
------

Little brown eyes,
Skipping tiles,
Weathered shoes,
Lips to the flute,
Tattered clothes,
But heaven's notes,
A telling smile,
Without guile,
Carefree life,
Passes by,


Spoilt child,
Unruly, wild,
Sad brown eyes,
Linking unknown ties,
Beautiful house,
Without home,
A heavy sigh,
But lonely night,
He cries,
Tears not dried,


Two lives,
So apart,
Intertwined,
Broken hearts,
Fate stares,
Destiny tears,
Colour from black,
Music from notes,
Ocean from tears,
Q from U,



*But I guess they always knew.

I waited for the green line,
To dance and dance in time.

I waited for a smile to show,
Above the cold stethoscope.

I waited for the white cloth,
To rise and fly like a newborn moth.

I waited for this coffin to move,
And dance to our favorite tune.

I waited for the headstone to be a prank,
Of your imaginative think tank.

I waited for the reverie of your voice,
To tease me for staring out of the window,
So much so that it's the only thing I do,
To wait for you is all I know


All lifelong I waited for you to be heavensent,
Waiting for you is all I know now,
Who saw that in the end,
It would be you waiting for me somehow.

Hold* my hand tight,
Let us walk through *hurricanes,
Soar over the seas to lands unknown.

And I will take you to tomorrow,
Till the Isles Of Illusion,
To gape at Castles Of Glass.

Aisles of Autumn trees,
Don't compare to your evergreen eyes,
That soft smile,
Goes through me like thunder,
When my hand within yours you hold,
My heart feels like its about to leap and fall.

If I could just dare to dance,
I'd be Skipping on the stars,
Be Laughing out Loud.

You're the dream that I can't wake up from,
The distant glimmer that I want to believe,
The one thing that will forever evade me.