if its all temporary at this age then what's the point?
what is the point of letting someone in and getting emotionally involved when it is all temporary

everything ends

nothing is forever

so for what?

hopelessness is what I've become
but some sick part of me believes that the lost of hope that has taken over me protects me from further damage

why start over? why give in? why spend my time invested on someone who is only going to hurt me and leave

there is absolutely no point

I've loved and lost to the point that i don't want it.
yes, i remember the happiness love brings and the unbelievable breath taking feeling that overtakes everything you are when you look at the person you love in the eyes, or when she tells you she loves you. yes, i remember all of that.

but the pain surpasses the happiness by far to much for me to be able to let myself love again.

I'm empty
and i will not let anyone fulfill me
not now
its a waste of time
a waste of effort


for what?

temporary
that is what they all are
time bombs


at 16, that is what they all are
i would be naive to think otherwise

"I've been told that to fix the problem, you must first find its root... But you can't fix something that's not broken. I am not broken, just slightly damaged. My mind is like a thousand year old oak tree, and my facade as fragile as porcelain. My emotions act as a wrecking ball and when the night hits I'm nothing but a decaying mask. I fear pain, so I don't welcome love. I turn it away; a ruthless rejection, and send it back to where it came from. It haunts me, and in the night my own demons become insomnia. To fix the problem, I must first find its root." 
Or perhaps I mustn't focus on finding the root, I think the real issue might be that I am conscious that there are monsters in my head and my insomnia is result to the ongoing battle I have with myself and those monsters. Weather to love them or hate them, I do not know.  They save me and protect me, yet they seclude me from the rush of risk and beauty of bewilderment. When I lay in my bed my body feels great fatigue but my mind and my eyes are wide awake; ready to run circles around the world if they could. I no longer think that the solution would be to find a root or a specific turning point, but to end the battle of contradiction with the monsters that have taken over my thoughts and stolen my sleep. So do I love them because they protect me and have made me a smarter person? Or Do I hate them because they are the bricks that make up the walls I have built and they are the guards holding the riffles at the top of the walls shooting every single beautiful daring soul in their attempt to reach the real me? I will hate them. Yes the souls that have hurt me right after gaining my trust are the reason to my hurt and the nutrition to the growth of my monsters, but the very own monsters themselves are the ones responsible for my inability to recover from the inevitable hurt. They have Inprisoned me in this constant dark and uttermost thick desolation. It is because of how overpowered I am by them that I fail every single time in my attempt to breath. They are suffocating me and burying me in a state so dark I fear the incapacity to  get myself out. It is a journey of endless work, the wounds i have will eventually heal, but there will always be scars. It's like an addiction, even after being clean and sober the want of the drug will always be as great as it was the first time. So the fragility of my scars is so great it is completely capable to revert me back into the dark whole if i get hurt or scared again. i need to realize and accept that these things are inevitable and not close myself but open myself even more for the next person. The final solution will be to accept that the mosters?they are their, acknowledge them, deal with them, and never let them take over and do what they want with me. Then and only then will I be able to sleep.

As I look at short films based on love and happiness a feeling of pure want flows deeply into my chest and spreads through my whole body.

To look at someone in their eyes and not give into my instinct of looking away is foreign.

I miss the comfort of love.
I miss the smile love creates.

I miss the me that had someone to fight for, someone to defend.
Someone to jump off a bridge for.

when your in love the air is different,
gravity changes,
priorities change,
love...

I miss the person i was when i was in love.
A non broken smile
A filled heart

I've been alone for quite some time now
the only time i truly miss it all is when i see love in peoples eyes
its crazy to me how when someone is truly in love you can actually see it in their eyes...
i guess thats how powerful it all is

I believe to have forced myself to forget how amazing it is to be in love

i feel so dull now
i feel so filled with everything that has to do with absolutely nothing without love we cease to have any purpose.
i want to love
a genuine pure honest and crazy love
i remember what that feels like and its the best feelings i have ever felt. i want it.

Butterflies
relentless butterflies
Flowing through my veins and making me weak to my knees
Shortness of breath
Tingling
Invincibility
like if nothing else in the world matters at that specific moment when you are looking into her eyes
her oh so beautiful memorizing eyes
Surrender
Submission
Forfeit to all the walls your monsters and your past have built in you for so long
The end of the superficial world you live on the outside and the reemerging of the everything you are on the inside
The universe within you that you work so hard to hide from others coming to light and making home in the visible world

Being in love does all this to you

Oh how i long for that greater power to infect my blood stream, unfreeze my heart, brake everything the monsters have built, and bring the real me to light so that the whole world can see that I'm still there

One day
I can't wait for that day

It's like right from wrong becomes irrelevant when it comes down to the person you love. You know you're not being treated how u should but you ignore it, due to pure fear of loosing them or simply not having them. I know I should be number 1 but I'm accommodating to less than that because of love? Is it love? Or is it the desire of something forbidden.
This pain is paralyzing.
I need her.  
I want her.
If I think about how her arms,
How her body completely held mine I can still feel it.
I can still smell her scent.
I cry. The exact same tears I shed as she held me.
Emotional overwhelment.
difference is, I'm actually alone.
She's not holding me anymore.
She has her own person. So she can survive without me.
I was just a distraction.
Yet she still acts and Perseus and brainwashes me as if I were superior to her number 1.
It's all so messed up, it's all so degrading, and simply wrong,
And I am choosing to ignore it.
Which is also wrong.
But how could I not talk to her? How could I cut her out when she's crawled in so deep.
I need to get her out. And keep her out.
I am not the other woman.  
I have my flaws. But my potential is not of thee to be in this position.
So I scream
"**** her I don't need her I can do this"

In hopes of one day believing it.
Maybe one day her voice won't make me melt.
Maybe one day this will all just be a memory just as every other person, who has come into my world and left with pieces leaving me with less of myself.
Maybe.

I believe to feel misunderstood is to feel crazy.
it's like your sitting here and your realizing that nobody will ever understand your brain and the way that you think

Then you realize that you've come to this conclusion due to the fact that you don't even understand your own self

anxiety comes in and poors a million little black ants all of your body and you start shaking

Angst takes over you
I am not okay
I am crazy
Mentally I'll
I need help
What the **** is wrong with me
I am so filled with nothing it's like I'm not even a person anymore
I miss feeling alive
I don't even know if there's any blood following through my veins
I don't even know if I care
Just something please make me feel
I'm desperate
I'm petrified of the this feeling that boils inside of me and ceases to evaporate
Make it go away
Pain? Were are you I need you
Come back!
You made me feel alive.
Happiness? Do you even exist?
Were you even real? I need you
Come back!
Depression
Leave I don't want you
Hopelessness
Leave u make me natious
Anxiety
Your killing me and eating me alive
Your ruining me
Please let me free from you
I don't want to smoke anymore
Let me go
Angst
I don't know why I feel you or why you've come but i dont want you
You make me feel
incomplete
unfulfilled

I need something that will make me feel like if I'm still a person
Otherwise for all I know I'm dead and dreaming

My age is such a disrespect to how old my soul is
I've been 16 for 6 months now and I have learned so much
But really,
the lessons That can only be learned through experience;
Those started 3 years ago

In 3 years I learned just about enough to be set for the rest of my life

That makes me sad

I've always been different you know
Open minded
Non judgmental
Free spirited
Wild hearted
Rebellious
I thought about things in a different way
My intellect is and has always been one withholding infinite depth; at 13 years of age it was greater then my ability to differentiate from what was, what wasn't, and what could've been
I was definitely way to independent for my own good

I don't think that being a 13 year old made up of all those things was good for me

But I guess there's not much I can do about that considering the fact that all of that is left in the unfortunately non changeable and non reversible  thing called "the past"

I've felt way to much pain
I've been treated way to poorly
I've been used way to much
I've been taken for granted

Touched in unpleasant ways and wiped clean of confidence, trust, and security

There once was a time were I was able to feel
You know that type of feel you only obtain once in your life

And then I experienced my first heartbreak; it was as if I died for the first time

I remember the feeling as if it was still living in me

I found myself dried out of tears sitting on the floor staring at millions of tiny broken grey shards of glass .. I realized that I was staring at everything I was that had now been ripped from me; all of my many colors and my perfectly whole self was broken and grey lieing in the floor without life
it felt as if a knife was stabbing right through my chest and my loungs were filling with blood
slowly I was bleeding out
everything that I was; my innocence, the love I had yet to give was draining from my soul & hopelessness took over me for  I did not know how to make it stop

2years later
Many deaths later
Here I am
Empty

You might think:
"she's only 16 how could she be stuck in such a hopeless dark whole? How could her loungs be filled with such thick smoke composed of intoxicating and fatal desolation"

Truth is that's exactly how I torture myself every second of my dam life;
With that same question

How could I have let my past **** me and shape me into what it wanted me to be?

I should of fought for myself
People keep telling me to fight but I'm not really sure if there is anyone left to fight for.

16, Beautiful, Damaged

Stuck in a whole
Filled with waters that are made of
Fear, sadness, & infinite desolation

I have no fight
I'm giving up on myself
& everything is supporting my forfeit

When she leaves I miss her
But after she's gone for a day or 2 maybe 3 I feel empty again
I can't let myself get distracted from what is good and revert to my hurt as always

I feel comfortable in this hurting desolating state I revert to on days like these

I'm killing myself, am I a *******? She makes me happy, so I torture myself because she won't do it?

An endless waterfall of emptiness
leave her, love her, hurt her, she does not care
she longs to care but she is covered and bundled in a thick quilt that poisons her everything with “nothing”
something is missing, the tears are missing
she knew she would be okay because of the streams that would flow furiously down her cotton felt rosy cheeks
she knew she would be okay because of the tender most voluntary light tears dancing gracefully across the marbled floor that was her face
but now,
she does not know if she will be okay because of the dessert like dryness of her eyes,
and the solitude her cheeks and lips have felt for quite some time now
something is missing, she is missing
she has been looking for what seems like a million years all over her now pitch black universe for herself
she had colors
she had stars, moons, millions of suns and planets within her
now the color black is the mere most perfect description of everything she has become
the battle between deciding what to feel out of all that she felt is over
she feels as an invisible soul that has passed from our physical world feels;
anger, rage because he is truly incapable of touching those who he stands infront of all day, he cannot do anything about the fact that he is invisible and non existent to all those he wishes to be noticed by
she feels anger, rage because she finds herself incapable of touching her emotions
frustration because tears no longer dance across her face
she feels invisible to her reflection in the mirror because she remembers the image of a person
an actually person
who is able to cry when sad and smile when happy
she is no longer able to show any physical emotion so she sees no reflection
a thick black fog invades her physical body and soul crawling through her eye sockets, her mouth, ears ,nostrils, and pours
it invades her psyche with all its blackness and abducts all the stars, moons many suns, and planets converting her inner universe into endless caves made of  millions of tunnels that make love with emptiness and darkness
she has become a maze
beautifully numb, impatiently lost, sedated by absence



she is me, and i,
have been kissed by apathy.
paralyzing me and incapacitating me from myself is what this beautiful demon has done to me
she touched my lips and altered my thoughts
persuaded me into the belief that she would protect me
she told me that if i did not feel i would not hurt
at the time that i fell in love with her i was in a state where i would of taken my life just to end all feelings and confusion within me
she offered her anesthetic kiss,  
i took it
as she relentlessly took over me i started to realize…
now i fear it be to late
i know the end to this maze will be the gate to my stars, my moons, my many suns, and planets
and i will run for what now seems an eternity
but i will not give up on my universe




j.e

In depths of my unfathomable psyche
Submerged I find myself floating around in the ‘shallow’ societal sea of our world.
Oh but it is not ‘shallow’ you’ll see
It is a deep blue ocean that withholds great mystery;
& those who see it as ‘shallow’
Are only those who stand in clouds of constant oblivion; Ceasing the inhale of beauty, intellect, and individuality.
In the depths of my unfathomable psyche
Throughout every passing day
I observe, I listen, and I take into account the things that are done and said by every individual person I come across.
Now here I sit, in the complete abduction of the beautiful, yet merciless monster called insomnia, without fail of corse accompanied by her sister solitude;
& I reflect.
In the depths of my unfathomable psyche
I realize that in order to best express the realization of my reflection…
I must let my walls down; so I will.
And now that I have…
The word to describe the feeling that takes over ‘me’ in this very moment is one that acquires the ability to depict ones exact feelings in a way I do not obtain.
In the depths of my unfathomable psyche
I feel lonely because I know that the odds of me meeting someone as insane as me are slight; yet I feel appreciative because I couldn’t imagine possessing such an ugly, close minded, and indifferent insight.
I feel a type of sadness that could only emerge from a person that fears never getting to experience the comfort that comes from acceptance; yet i feel overwhelming excitement and longing in the midst of my hopeless romantic type daydream of the possibility that I will find my somebody that does not seek to comprehend or figure me out but will accept ever corner and color I currently am and everything I have yet to become
I feel pitty for the average;
Yes I am not sane
Yes I am not average
And yes the depths of my true thoughts I have not learned to control; but my insanity is and will always be the fuel to my potential.