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we are born a blank canvas
and society paints our portrait
with its brushes of a thousand
rules and regulations
expectations and guidelines
that supposedly make up
who we are supposed
to be.
Copyright 09-3-2014 Elizabeth ©
Juliet Escobar Sep 2014
if its all temporary at this age then what's the point?
what is the point of letting someone in and getting emotionally involved when it is all temporary

everything ends

nothing is forever

so for what?

hopelessness is what I've become
but some sick part of me believes that the lost of hope that has taken over me protects me from further damage

why start over? why give in? why spend my time invested on someone who is only going to hurt me and leave

there is absolutely no point

I've loved and lost to the point that i don't want it.
yes, i remember the happiness love brings and the unbelievable breath taking feeling that overtakes everything you are when you look at the person you love in the eyes, or when she tells you she loves you. yes, i remember all of that.

but the pain surpasses the happiness by far to much for me to be able to let myself love again.

I'm empty
and i will not let anyone fulfill me
not now
its a waste of time
a waste of effort

for what?
Juliet Escobar Sep 2014
that is what they all are
time bombs

at 16, that is what they all are
i would be naive to think otherwise
Juliet Escobar Sep 2014
"I've been told that to fix the problem, you must first find its root... But you can't fix something that's not broken. I am not broken, just slightly damaged. My mind is like a thousand year old oak tree, and my facade as fragile as porcelain. My emotions act as a wrecking ball and when the night hits I'm nothing but a decaying mask. I fear pain, so I don't welcome love. I turn it away; a ruthless rejection, and send it back to where it came from. It haunts me, and in the night my own demons become insomnia. To fix the problem, I must first find its root." 
Or perhaps I mustn't focus on finding the root, I think the real issue might be that I am conscious that there are monsters in my head and my insomnia is result to the ongoing battle I have with myself and those monsters. Weather to love them or hate them, I do not know.  They save me and protect me, yet they seclude me from the rush of risk and beauty of bewilderment. When I lay in my bed my body feels great fatigue but my mind and my eyes are wide awake; ready to run circles around the world if they could. I no longer think that the solution would be to find a root or a specific turning point, but to end the battle of contradiction with the monsters that have taken over my thoughts and stolen my sleep. So do I love them because they protect me and have made me a smarter person? Or Do I hate them because they are the bricks that make up the walls I have built and they are the guards holding the riffles at the top of the walls shooting every single beautiful daring soul in their attempt to reach the real me? I will hate them. Yes the souls that have hurt me right after gaining my trust are the reason to my hurt and the nutrition to the growth of my monsters, but the very own monsters themselves are the ones responsible for my inability to recover from the inevitable hurt. They have Inprisoned me in this constant dark and uttermost thick desolation. It is because of how overpowered I am by them that I fail every single time in my attempt to breath. They are suffocating me and burying me in a state so dark I fear the incapacity to  get myself out. It is a journey of endless work, the wounds i have will eventually heal, but there will always be scars. It's like an addiction, even after being clean and sober the want of the drug will always be as great as it was the first time. So the fragility of my scars is so great it is completely capable to revert me back into the dark whole if i get hurt or scared again. i need to realize and accept that these things are inevitable and not close myself but open myself even more for the next person. The final solution will be to accept that the mosters?they are their, acknowledge them, deal with them, and never let them take over and do what they want with me. Then and only then will I be able to sleep.
Juliet Escobar Aug 2014
As I look at short films based on love and happiness a feeling of pure want flows deeply into my chest and spreads through my whole body.

To look at someone in their eyes and not give into my instinct of looking away is foreign.

I miss the comfort of love.
I miss the smile love creates.

I miss the me that had someone to fight for, someone to defend.
Someone to jump off a bridge for.

when your in love the air is different,
gravity changes,
priorities change,

I miss the person i was when i was in love.
A non broken smile
A filled heart

I've been alone for quite some time now
the only time i truly miss it all is when i see love in peoples eyes
its crazy to me how when someone is truly in love you can actually see it in their eyes...
i guess thats how powerful it all is

I believe to have forced myself to forget how amazing it is to be in love

i feel so dull now
i feel so filled with everything that has to do with absolutely nothing without love we cease to have any purpose.
i want to love
a genuine pure honest and crazy love
i remember what that feels like and its the best feelings i have ever felt. i want it.

relentless butterflies
Flowing through my veins and making me weak to my knees
Shortness of breath
like if nothing else in the world matters at that specific moment when you are looking into her eyes
her oh so beautiful memorizing eyes
Forfeit to all the walls your monsters and your past have built in you for so long
The end of the superficial world you live on the outside and the reemerging of the everything you are on the inside
The universe within you that you work so hard to hide from others coming to light and making home in the visible world

Being in love does all this to you

Oh how i long for that greater power to infect my blood stream, unfreeze my heart, brake everything the monsters have built, and bring the real me to light so that the whole world can see that I'm still there

One day
I can't wait for that day
Juliet Escobar Jul 2014
It's like right from wrong becomes irrelevant when it comes down to the person you love. You know you're not being treated how u should but you ignore it, due to pure fear of loosing them or simply not having them. I know I should be number 1 but I'm accommodating to less than that because of love? Is it love? Or is it the desire of something forbidden.
This pain is paralyzing.
I need her.  
I want her.
If I think about how her arms,
How her body completely held mine I can still feel it.
I can still smell her scent.
I cry. The exact same tears I shed as she held me.
Emotional overwhelment.
difference is, I'm actually alone.
She's not holding me anymore.
She has her own person. So she can survive without me.
I was just a distraction.
Yet she still acts and Perseus and brainwashes me as if I were superior to her number 1.
It's all so messed up, it's all so degrading, and simply wrong,
And I am choosing to ignore it.
Which is also wrong.
But how could I not talk to her? How could I cut her out when she's crawled in so deep.
I need to get her out. And keep her out.
I am not the other woman.  
I have my flaws. But my potential is not of thee to be in this position.
So I scream
"**** her I don't need her I can do this"

In hopes of one day believing it.
Maybe one day her voice won't make me melt.
Maybe one day this will all just be a memory just as every other person, who has come into my world and left with pieces leaving me with less of myself.
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