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903 · Sep 2022
bang-bang
ju Sep 2022
white
black

blue

lifeline
noose
870 · Oct 2011
not love
ju Oct 2011
I’m, I don’t know-
lonely I guess. Stretched out  
warming myself in a pool of sunlight-
would just like to be held.
Not longing for
new love
or a one true love-
they’re all true enough
at the time.
No, not love.
Not now.
861 · May 2021
Changeling
ju May 2021
She loves you, she loves you not?

She loves you.

You learnt from somewhere, that tenderness -
that no-word smile.

You learnt from her.
You learnt from her.

Where is she now?

Missing from her own eyes, own hands.

You cling, you cry.

She loves you.
She loves you.

I will hold you 'til she’s found.
838 · Jan 2021
Tattoo
ju Jan 2021
We angled ourselves to face Lyra-
I turned repeatedly to him.
Hid in a blanket-cocoon we
beat a rhythm of fingertip-dreams.

We angled ourselves to face Lyra-
I turned repeatedly to him.
He rained prayers and promises;
a sky-full of stars fell down unseen.

We angled ourselves to face Lyra-
I turned one last time to him.
Pinned dead-butterfly colours
to his mouth, his tongue, his skin.
785 · Jan 2021
Today
ju Jan 2021
I’ll walk clifftop.

Watch the sunrise fractured by a hundred different puddles, made whole again by the sea.

I’ll bleed peace and spill calm over ground that should’ve been cared for by now, and I’ll draw maps of the old season in battleship blue and a half-healed ****** crimson.

I’ll love them: Today they are mine.
Tonight I’ll give them away, and I’ll love them more.

I’ll walk clifftop.

I’ll pause. Watch the sunset rain copper-coins into a rolling-smoke sea, and I’ll miss him.
744 · Dec 2020
Influence
ju Dec 2020
They discussed Prom and silly boys who talked big, but
couldn’t tear open a ******.

They squabbled over pole-position in a race that didn’t matter- And
analysed events made cinematic in re-telling.

I leafed through a magazine:

One Girl’s Plan to Meet and MARRY A MILLIONAIRE (who isn’t a creep)
~How to dress to be taken seriously
Top Career Women Tell Their Secrets
~Hot spring fashion
The TRAP of Living Together
~CK One (selling equality)

For a moment I pictured myself applying lipstick, then thought better not.

It was all *******.

I shoved the magazine back in my bag- with Tess, exam texts, and
a clean change of clothes.

The bus stopped right outside.

He made me tea, and I read bedtime stories to his kids.

After:

We drank white-wine in the garden, kissed and found peace-
Searched for stars in a sky the colour of storms.
724 · Jan 2021
counting
ju Jan 2021
last night her sleep was measured on steel,
****** down without a drop wasted.

we were spoons ‘til her limbs stilled -
tears spilled, found their way to my pillow.

I don’t know why I cry - if tears did help
she’d feel better by now.
702 · Apr 2021
Cry
ju Apr 2021
Cry
Tattered edge.

Hacked leylandii flicker
needle-teeth and sequins.

When foxes cry
I dream - my rag doll baby.

When foxes cry, I hold her tight -
pinch together seams.

Try to feed her. Bleed instead. Flood
her small, sharp mouth with red -

then watch the blood soak in.

When foxes cry, she screams.

When foxes cry
I dream - my rag doll baby.
676 · Jan 2021
The unobservable collapse
ju Jan 2021
Love superposed,
spins on a question: Yes or no?
Shut away-

away
away
away

Pandora, child you had it easy.

Lift the lid?

No.

Better to live with love in theory
than to live with no love at all.
Superpositions for love, right? Happens all the time.

I mugged the Copenhagen interpretation for this.
651 · Apr 2017
mechanised pleasure
ju Apr 2017
frenzied
flipping
solenoid
(re-pinging)
pop bumper
spinning
steel *****
(skill shot)
end-of-stroke
trip
hit
drop
644 · Jul 2020
Will you burn with me, now?
ju Jul 2020
Will you explore me now?
Of course you discovered, laid claim,
surveyed and drew me.
But I am altered.
Our careful step-by-step paths
are trod smooth.
And I know them now, can lead you.

Will you take from me now?
Of course there are scars. Seams torn apart.
Scratched earth once shone to your touch.
Cradled and rocked, its
fine glowing dust hid in dark
secret spots.
And I know them now, can show you.

Will you feast with me now?
Of course I had little to give, but
traces of then took root, flourish here still.
Nourished by years
and by others, bear fruits worth picking apart
before tasting.
And I know them now, can feed you.

Will you return to me now?
644 · Jan 2021
Kiss
ju Jan 2021
What I want starts with an intake of shared air, a leaning-in.
My spine a star-gaze arch - a neat reflection of yours.

A mouth-to-mouth silence broken, made whole - by small language
born of not knowing, and of knowing too well.

I want to trace symmetry in your neck, your back: Learn the shape
and position of vertebrate, of the discs in between -

Infuse them with an energy to resist time, to resist
history’s repetitions.

I want my weighted thoughts to wash through the
base of my skull into your cradle-hand,

Want to hear the rush of them down your arm, their echo
through the in-and-out spaces of lungs.

I want them to pour fully formed from your feet to the floor
- through nerves un-frayed and strong.

Remember: It’s a want my Love, not a need.
What I need is you here.
574 · May 2021
~
ju May 2021
~
He picks at the fray of her gaze
‘til she frowns. Sews shut her mouth

with too many questions.

We grow roots.

Sun shines hot through a tall window, and
she curls to me like vine.

We wind together, sway ‘til her small hands
whisper at the nape of my neck -

Finished, done.
532 · Feb 2021
Outline
ju Feb 2021
Fist-tight, it casts a shadow on pure white card -
I draw around it with a fine-black, cut it with a curved ten-blade.

The shadow-heart’s a gift. I keep the stencil.
513 · Sep 2022
you
ju Sep 2022
you
I run to you
your rhythm, your beat

for a moment they're mine
and we breathe together,
breathe

I run to you
your hunger, your need

for a moment they're mine
and we cleave together,
cleave

I run to you
your sweet-wet, your greed

for a moment they're mine
and we feed together,
feed
506 · Aug 2017
Promise
ju Aug 2017
Slip, slip, slip to the brink,
they imagine you're dancing.
Freeze there, they see proof of control.

Choke out a few words?
Then you're lying.
Stay silent? Well, then you're a fraud.

Slip, slip, slip to the brink,
and I'll join you.
Freeze there, and I'll keep you safe.

Choke out a few words?
Then I'll listen.
Stay silent? Then baby, I'll wait.
497 · Jan 2021
Love, you are...
ju Jan 2021
... the fizz of a Bakelite switch casting
out dark in a storm - a hot scented bath and
the warm-dry robe I wear after...
441 · Jan 2021
angels?
ju Jan 2021
no. wings don’t grow from scars - and
small hearts lean in for warmth, not love.
cut lines
426 · Jan 2021
pivotal
ju Jan 2021
I want you to see her-
but she winds, unwinds
on an old question-hook
she is pinned by it.
spins around and around.
paper-windmill - razor wire,
every rotation more freedom.
remove her for you?
no. she’d bleed-out in the knowing,
and a tortured dancer is better
than no dancer at all.
420 · Jul 2020
number magic
ju Jul 2020
we were all chatter and woodsmoke,
white wine in the sun-
age is a number slid from his tongue (to mine) and
(my whole world was rewritten that summer)
(his) touches (our) kisses (my) skin
moved with a rhythm, and age was a number
simply that, and no more
(though my number was small)
we felt safe for a while, then hidden,
then trapped.
age is a number slid from my tongue to his skin,
(from his skin to my thighs)
slid between us like sweat
(like a mantra)
weaving saliva-salt spells
(his) touches (our) kisses (my) skin
moved with a rhythm, and age was a number
simply that, and no more
(though his number was great)
we felt safe for a while, then hidden,
then trapped.
(then we were gone)
ju Jan 2021
a place where:

peaks and troughs of human emotions manifest

a girl drops curiosity over a fort-ledge

a boy runs with kited-wonder, away from pinned blanket dreams

a man haunts a fading, falling edge of field

a woman breathes, just breathes
418 · Oct 2022
Butterflies (rewrite)
ju Oct 2022
Our garden was spirals of green - Squeeze-through bean tunnels rigged with bee stings, skinny mud paths that grazed knees and bloodied hand-heels when it rained. The field was neat rows of gold - Wide tracks made-good with stone, sipped dry by birch and tall oak. Peacocks and emperors flickered, fritillary swooned to a stop on damp skin - Ragged commas were caught breaths in bramble and …I listened... to Old-Man-Brown - snoring and mythical, to the click-click of chopped veg, to kids playing, to men coming home.

I ran, scrambled the bank, grabbed hold of chain-link, crashed into the garden. I knelt by the pen, let dogs lick my hands, gave armfuls of long grass to rabbits. I danced between chickens, beeped back at quails and avoided wry-smiley ferrets. I made it back before Mum needed to yell, shouted out, swirled my limbs clean from the barrel - Excited because, in a couple of weeks it’d be teeming with coppery fish and I’d give them ant-eggs and worms. I shoved open the door, brushed past dead things. That’s what we did: Fed them until it was time.
405 · Feb 2021
Shy
ju Feb 2021
Shy
I got the gist of men when I was little.

A shopkeeper spoke to Mum.

I used my pleases and thank-yous,
he filled my hands with free sweets.

I looked at the floor.

Mum insisted I smile, so I did -
I met his eye through my fringe.

She’ll be trouble.

He spoke to Mum, and looked at me.
401 · Apr 2021
wishes & inkblots
ju Apr 2021
ladybird, ladybird

pen-push through

sternum

cry when I catch &
lie when I pin

them

fluid fills,
spills, stains

the page

fold

fly away, fly away, fly away

home
384 · Apr 2023
foxes
ju Apr 2023
of course they gather  -

she left them
a carcass every Sunday

lonely and alone -

she fed them
names with belly-fulls of bone

(of course they gather  -

she left them)
364 · Aug 2020
(muse) still waiting
ju Aug 2020
I wash-up two cups, find a spoon,
decipher his mood whilst I pour us coffee.
He’s not talking.
Dishevelled.
Frustrated.
Irate.
Whoever she is, last night wasn’t great-
The bed’s made up with clean white sheets.
She didn’t stay over.

I hand him his coffee.
He nods,
it’s a start but
there’s nothing set up and
I can’t tell where he wants me.
He’s paid for a day- I undress anyway.
And because it’s quite early, still cool-
I sit in a spilled-sunshine-pool
at the foot of his bed.

He studies me.
Traces my line with his eyes.
I keep warm,
drink coffee.
Wait.
He draws a deep breath-
takes my cup,
holds my face in both hands.
Says nothing, just kisses me hard
and pushes me back.

I unbutton his fly-
lick my fingers,
let them glide,
slide.
Rise up to meet him.
He pulls out the moment he’s done.
His frustration feels hot
on flushed skin,
and becomes mine when
he walks away.

He gathers up paper and charcoal-
the tools of his trade.
Arranges my limbs,
places my hand in
glossy-soft-heat between
my slight-parted thighs.
Leans close, kisses me thank you
then whispers
Be still.

muse
ju Feb 2021
Yes, of course.

Those were the words I found in me.

In a space filled with women, it was a chorus of memory -
and I didn’t spill so much as drip those words to floor.

Yes, of course.

I inhaled alone, then exhaled the room.

In a pause filled with men, it was a shy breath of honesty -
a fortunate few breathed in and out by themselves.

Yes, of course.
Yes, of course.

Has anyone here experienced **** or ****** assault?

Yes, of course.
358 · Mar 2021
Edge
ju Mar 2021
We talk, and the cigarette burns in small moments of waiting. You move your finger from my vest strap to my collarbone. My breath catches, slides into a warm pool of want. I slip my own finger in circles at its edge, and you take a step closer.
348 · Mar 2021
time and tide
ju Mar 2021
Want

plays in the shallows
at my edge

I rewound her
she is girl again, unknowing -

she hungers, and I feed her crumbs
she swims, and I pull her back

I can’t have her grow strong -

not now
336 · Dec 2020
Indelible
ju Dec 2020
It was as though he’d touched me with cut,
bloodied palms.

His hands on my skin stung him
and marked me.

I carried the blame for being pretty
but salty.
inspired by this one: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4144778/if-i-were-me/
(I was the type)
333 · Jun 2021
Little black dress
ju Jun 2021
The air is cotton-tangle thick and
thoughts are heavy.

I unpick a hem of memory -

The quiet pip-pip of a broken stitch
gives way to raw.
323 · Jan 2021
Child
ju Jan 2021
Your bird-spine curves to the roof of my mouth, confetti-skull sticks to the back of my teeth. Your wet heart beats on my tongue, small lungs press in for sleep.

In silence, I carry you. In words, I carry you. I hear you breathe. Feel your dreams furl and unfurl, fern-like to term - and I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

In pieces, I carry you. In love, I carry you. I feel shame. Not for letting you go - for letting it in. I know what happens to children like you, with fathers like him.
321 · Jul 2021
path
ju Jul 2021
lythrum leans in
curious, tall -
I have nothing to tell

nothing left

I take careful steps, mind loose-stones
don’t twist me up

fire-lidded

I am here, I breathe here

I bleed a weak, thorny tide

here
321 · Jan 2021
Thief
ju Jan 2021
Birds cry and sing in the still-dark,
commit to living one more winter’s day.
In sleeping rooms their heartache finds me
building nests for injured things.
  
I will lock the door when I leave-
and carry their heartache with my own.
I will pilfer light from a low-rolling Sun and
siphon-off peace from the sea.

(I will love, I will love, I will love)
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4185107/magpie/

Inspired in part by this poem/prayer, and by how inescapably tired I am.
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/4167500/a-caregivers-prayer/
313 · Feb 2021
voucher
ju Feb 2021
I give him my heart, I say take it -
press the paper to his palm.

I fold his fingers shut around it -
pray this year he spends it well.
306 · Oct 2020
A mother's love
ju Oct 2020
Rain is dramatic, but short lived-
storms half-hearted.
Sun shines strong and low
through art-work cloud, and
finger-print-blooms rock and sway
on a whispering green-leaf sea.

October 2020 is the hot-sweet-tea
left outside my room, after the row I caused
when I was 15.
304 · Jul 2020
Licked
ju Jul 2020
Heart racing,
breathless-
slick, the salt-sweet of us.
Hastily dressed
and feeling delicious.
Your fingers slipping
in, hard perfect rhythm-
Quick circles pressed
to the heel of your
hand. Whispered good-bye
forgotten, unheard-
Licked clean of
intent between
you and I.
Re-post. Because if it's worth doing, it's worth doing twice. An early follow up to "You and I"
300 · Jan 2021
No words
ju Jan 2021
When you write your broken so well it breaks me, what should I say?
Tell me, you’re good with words.

Or do I turn away, drop one of those hearts we all keep in our pocket,
aware of how small it is, worse still - how hollow?
In real-time and in person, you'd be there, right? On the end of the phone, or boiling the kettle and breaking open a packet of biscuits **
292 · Dec 2020
exhibitionist
ju Dec 2020
hard lines and distinctive strokes
hide as much as they expose

stand back to see the whole picture
287 · Jan 2021
Love -
ju Jan 2021
Why do you stay? That question chokes me. I hook a finger past lips, over teeth
-  scoop it free. It dies, loose and blue-breech on my tongue.

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t ask you. I fold legs to torso, wrap arms around them
-  tuck and tie. Make the question small, tight - then swallow.
286 · Jan 2021
Tattered lullaby
ju Jan 2021
However delicate, translucent - they'll keep.
Precious lines neatly pressed, jagged inspiration rolled.
Conversation folded, folded, tucked away.
Ideas will slip to place or fall. Either way - still there.
Still there. Still there. Your words: They’ll sleep until tomorrow.
Poets need sleep too. I've got the tee-shirt.
286 · Oct 2020
Groping
ju Oct 2020
My words can’t dance, unless the music’s slow and the mood takes them. Really that’s just kissing to a tune, creating a beat with heat and acceptance. My words can’t walk in heels. They can’t be still or follow rules. They strip then they swear when they slip at the end of a line, or trip face-first into a cliche. My words pile up. A heap of need. Never a poem.
279 · Aug 2020
milestones
ju Aug 2020
We talk in spoons. It’s an alchemy of sorts, though we don’t seek gold or eternal youth. A whole world of research says this curse is real. Yet Medicine has Science bound and starved. We resort to picking the threads of work that we find, weave from it our spells and our hope. Pin to it her everyday dreams. And though they are flimsy her dreams are beautiful simplicity: A five minute walk, or fifteen sat on the beach. A trip out, but maybe stay in the car. Ten minutes looking at clothes online, or coming downstairs if the windows are shut and we close the blinds. It is all connected, strung together like beads. If she showers today, she can’t go for a walk ‘til next week. She stretches too far then I worry she’ll ping, and I don’t know if I could string her together again. For now some dreams are too heavy. She’s removed them, hidden them like treasure. She brings them out when she can. Handles them, turns them to see if they shine in the gloom. These dreams are more prone to fracture, to shatter at a set time.
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277 · Mar 2021
Moving on
ju Mar 2021
Storms seldom reach into this tarmac dip - but I find my chairs broken, wrong-angled and awkward, on the grass-struggle lawn.

Sun hides. The day still dawns and I watch. Copper plays over rain-dark wall, licks the plastic idyll of neighbours’ houses.  

This house (moss-tile, rust brick) sits at the base of a hill - A full stop to their pale-clad, block-paved lines of must try harder.

I don’t attempt to keep up. The drive boasts a warm rainbow of stone, a zig-zag flourish of green sprung with yellow -

A dormant hive. Project pieces. Puzzle bits strewn. My what-if imagination stung gold - Summer-soaked moments yet to fly.

Bad luck fills a brass horseshoe and the world sulks ill at ease - *****, unwelcome - between plimsolls and boots by the door.

They used to ask about the shoes. Now, as light pours over the sanctuary bell, I laugh at the ghost of their honey-glass question.
276 · Jan 2021
possessive
ju Jan 2021
I paint nails in a sin shade. nourish skin touched, touched, touched - cloud routine in amber and curve. leave smooth the fold where hid distrust. and I won’t stop, stop, stop - because the fold-promise made, the routine-perfume-sin, the nails, curves, skin - O Love - are not yours, yours, yours - they are mine.
275 · Feb 2021
forgive
ju Feb 2021
a quick shrug, ***** my shoulders - anger rolls to floor.
I wade through it - bear love and hope a little higher over its tides.
259 · Mar 2021
Trade
ju Mar 2021
Cleave mind from neck.
Cut just above each joint - get rid
of feet and hands.
Slice clean,
hold tight and tear.

Swipe from skin -
prise apart and portion limbs.

Please share.
258 · Mar 2022
again
ju Mar 2022
I am
drawn to the pictures

to
the new and the already-old

(to
the news and the already-told)


stories framed, set
rolling, rolling ...

maps and suits and flames -

and
the mother -

again
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