What do you do when someone says "You're a keeper." And you dont want to be kept by them?

Screaming out into the void of shame and darkness,
Hoping someone will hear my call and come and bandage the the wound in my chest from heartbreaks that have happened all too much, for someone to save me when I've told them too many times that I could save myself... Broken stitches and ****** gauze is all I have left to keep my heart from falling out of my chest into the dark hole of my soul, a part of me wanting to grab the scissors that lie a few feet away and just put it out of its misery, but there's the other part that holds on with all the strength it can and hope my heart can find its home.

I listen to the moon as it cries out the only existence of light it can give to the darkened world under it,  
I wonder if it feels like no matter how full or big and bright it can get,
That it will never hold as much potential as the sun.
It sees how no one depends moon light for major solar power,
only the suns bright burning rays,
The sun outdoes all that the moon can give.
The moon stands as those individuals who can feel better when they can open their curtains to the window and see darkness and feel comfort,
The moon is the shy person who stays in the shadows because that where they are used to being,
in the dark,
The moon is the people that wish more people who come out and enjoy the starry night rather than the bright sunny day.
I often wondered why i found the moon so comforting and beautiful.
Until it hit me that the moon is me.

Seal my crushed soul with kisses,
Break my heart with words,
It's hard to live on without you,
Burns with every touch of your fingertips that once gave me chills.

Since when did a letter grade become more important than my personal health? A burnable piece of paper with letter grades and the same teacher comment repeated, became more important to everyone to know my "knowledge". That isn't knowledge if it's just forcing yourself to burn those words formed into a sentence for the definition of a words prefix and suffix. You barely remember anything because you focus on it for a week or two and then never go over it again. But if I oversleep or miss my bus or ride, or if I fall asleep during class or spend the majority of the year in the nurses office it's my fault. It's my fault to show that "HEY I CAN REMEMBER THINGS LOOK SEE I GOT AN A ON SOMETHING I WILL NEVER USE IN MY LIFE OR WILL EVER HEAR OF UNTIL MY KID IS SITTING NEXT TO ME STRESSED AND WORN OUT AND TIRED BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO CLUE ON HOW TO DO THIS AND I CANT DO A **** THING BECAUSE I DONT REMEMBER **** BUT HEY AT LEAST I PASSED RIGHT?"

I don't feel like taking a shower,
I don't feel like taking a bath,
I just am trying everything,
To get a happy life back.
I'm sick of all the tears,
The depressed smiles,
And stress effects,
I want to be happy,
I want my parents to laugh more than they argue,
I want more positivity than negative,
I want to be given the happiness us 3 deserve.
Maybe life would be easier,
If my prayers were heard,
I try to not ask for much,
I feel as I do,
Then I blame everything on myself,
Just so my parents don't have to,
I want my dad to like his job and stay awake more than he sleeps,
We can sleep when were dead,
I want my mom to be stress free,
Only small worries in her head,
I want my parents to be healthy and happy,
To enjoy the rest of their lives,
Because if they spilt up,
A piece of me will die,
I stay strong for my mom,
Who stays strong for everyone,
I stay strong for my dad,
Because his health seems weak,
I stay strong for everyone I love and care about,
And do the best I can,
I just want everyone to be happy,
Because,
Things are only "okay" in the end.

Someone stop me from texting him back.
Please, i beg of your help.
He pulled my heart out of my chest too many times.
Yet i still want him.
I beg for release.
But something keeps me gravitating towards him.
I need to escape.
I dont want to text him.
But i do.
I should just go to sleep before i get involved again.

I am a dandelion,
You blow all of my hopes an dreams away just for one of yours,
I am a rose,
I look beautiful and stand tall,
But don't get too close because I'll hurt you,
I am a garden,
Many things are growing inside me,
Ideas, creativity, words,
In the beginning you'll take care of me and check on me everyday,
But soon you'll say I can take care of myself,
And everything in me,
Will die.
JD (7:56)

How does it feel to be free?
To have everything you have ever wanted?
To be loved and love all at the same time with one person no complications?
It must be amazing to have everything at the tip of your fingers. Whether that be a cat, dog, rodent. Or a human being laying in your bed at 4 in the early morning with the sun just awaking from its slumber, its rays bouncing off walls, the persons face, your own ****** feautures being warmed from it. Do they have soft skin that you just stroke sometimes unintentionally and it reminds you of that silk night gown your mother used to wear. Is she beautiful? Is he rugged but sweet?
Did you leave the one you used to love because you found someone else and all of a sudden stopped loving because you never really did in the first place?
I bet you did, dont lie.
How does someone do that huh?
Please, i really want to know. How do you go from being in a 15 year relationship/marriage/engagement, and say every night that you love that individual you lay beside, and all of a sudden while doing your daily routine of getting up early for work and going to that local coffee shop for a small black coffee and the daily newspaper for luch time, you see someone. Someone you have never seen on this weekly run. And you say hi and introduce yourself, and you end up late for work.
That person didnt leave your mind once, did they?
As you start not wearing your ring anymore. You switch the placement of it, or you turn it so it just looks like an everyday accessory.
You changed and your love saw that.
So that one day later on, when those divorce papers on the dining table, or your bags of clothes and stuff in your shared home were at the front door, you were shocked and thats when you felt it.
Pain. Hurt. Anger. Shame. Broken.
They knew. You werent as careful as you thought you were, were you?


Now,
you sit at your small apartment on the corner of the worst, dirtiest street. They sit in their amazing home with the new love of their life, a few kids, a dog or cat. They are happy once again. The sad thing is of this whole situation youre in... is that, they still hope the best for you.
Youve hit rock bottom with nothing you love at your fingertips and no one to have there beside you, they are happy and in love.
See how the world works now?

Over protective parents are the enemy of the free wanting child who only wants to run and explore everything the world and its inhabitants have to offer. I am the Maro Roth Spigelman of Mandeville, Louisiana. As much as i do love this place, i want out. But see, people and places are two different things to me. One, i always want to go and explore and come back eventually and find somewhere i dont want to leaveforever; the other i want to find and keep with me physically and mentallyand in my heart and to have travel and run with me and love me for my little things and spontaneous attitude and want for adventure. i want someone to love me as much as i love the world.

We envy the ones older than us because they have the freedom and experiences we crave,
But they envy the ones younger than them for the want to live old memories of our age and have the life and energy we do.

My first mistake was letting the hands of an unfaithful man touch me in ways a faithful mans should’ve.

My second mistake was letting the unfaithful mans words take my broken heart and break it even more.

My third mistake was letting the unfaithful man convince me to think being ignored is okay and to expect everyday he’d call back,

But my last mistake was letting myself believe he would’ve stayed if i did everything he wanted me to.

Having a creative mind that thinks of multiple scenarios of being with someone is good for being a writer, but bad for being a person.

Just because I'm broken,
Doesn't mean i have to break things.

If you have someone important in your life, don't let them go,
If you love someone, let them know,
Life's most important things go unsaid.

Broken heart misery,
a tape that's on replay,
starts off beautiful,
ends in a symphony of tears.

Kiss me goodbye with the taste of defeat,
As i crumble down,
Pieces of me,
Lie in the street.

Let me tell you a story,
It started in my head,
With every thought and dream,
Someone ended up dead,

Now don't think I'm crazy,
Because there's a chance I am insane,
But look at your own mind for once,
The game has now changed,

You are going crazy,
Thoughts driving you wild,
Whoever would've thought,
This was work of a child,

You are telling me you are fine,
But when push comes to shove,
Something always dies,

Not always a person,
Or a living thing,
Maybe art or music,
The singer never sings,

The artist never paints,
The lovers are higher than above,
But at the end of the love story,
There was never really love.

You challenged me constantly,
Calling me a coward for a threat to myself that i'd never say i'd do,
But did it ever cross my mind,
That the real threat that was happening,
Was you threatening yourself,
but using my name.

I will never know the roughness of your hands,
The way you talk at 3 in the morning when we talk about the dreams we have,
How you sound when you sing in the shower,
What it looks like after you eat at the table,
If it's messy or clean,
I will never know the feel of your face when it's just been shaved,
Or when it's scruffy,
What it feels like laying next to you knowing you love me more than life itself,
What you sound like when you just wake up,
I will never know you,
Only what you claim to be.

What if one day the sun never set,
The moon never rose,
Everything that was ever hot,
Went cold,
What if opposites became the truth,
What if all that once was,
Wasn't,
And that isn't,
Was?

Shame on me for believeing you loved me back,
Shame on you for playing with something that was broken,
See, you were supposed to end up cut,
But instead,
It was me.
(J.D) (11:21)

the city all lit up is what she dreams of,
one day her dreams came true,
when that day came,
she also met you,
she never planned on you coming into her life,
now when the city can't sleep,
neither can she,
cause she's up all night,
with two wonderful marvels in sight.
(J.D) (12:20)

a blank canvas,
no idea what to write or paint,
the whiteness reminds me of the snow,
cold,
lonely,
slow; dull and slow,
makes time almost stop,
people move around,
silently,
almost no noise but the shuffle of their feet,
lights are barely seen,
it's almost like your stuck,
everyone but you is moving,
soon, that blank canvas,
was everything you've seen.
(J.D) (9:40)

your head feels heavy about to hit the floor.
realizing all you ever wanted,
you had before,
tears start running down your face,
everything was so good,
what got misplaced?
take a deep breath,
count to three,
everything will fall into place,
just wait and see,
let it go,
let go of all the bad,
don't let it show,
you're better than that,
you are strong,
you can handle this,
take this advice,
and let it go.
(J.D) (6:29)

as i felt anger towards myself for not knowing why i'm where i am,
the depression kicks in and the sadness follows,
i was lost in a world full of directions.
(J.D) (11:54)

7 billion people in this world,
and i only want you,
why do i have to want someone that doesn't want me?
why have to have all of this unnecessary pain?
all of the questions going back and forth in my mind,
i am so in love,
and so ripped apart,
i've been at war since god knows when,
trying to battle the love and agony,
i once again listen to my heart more than my head.
(J.D) (10:10)

the stars in the evening sky light my way to better days,
there's lots of them,
they give me hope,
if they can come out every night,
then why can't i get up everyday,
the sun and the moon give me hope for love,
one dies for the other to live,
they remind me of Jack and Rose,
the earth gives me hope for moving on,
it just keeps moving,
a world wide disaster doesn't stop its course,
then why should i let a simple thing stop mine?
(J.D) (11:19)

I want to feel the wind in my hair,
the sand beneath my feet,
the warmth of the sun burning on my shoulders,
the sound of the crash of the waves on the shore,
the seagulls feeding on food left behind by messy children,
i want to see the blue of the ocean,
bright and clear with the different shades of blue, greens, and the yellow tint from the sand,
but, the beach isn't what my hearts talking about,
it's you,
i want to feel your fingers running through my hair,
i want to feel the hair on your legs as we sleep with our legs tangled underneath the sheets,
i want to feel the warmth of your breath on my shoulders in the middle of night when you are sleeping peacefully,
i want to hear you singing in the shower on early mornings,
i want to see the mess you make after every meal,
i want to see your eyes and how they are so beautiful,
to admire the colors of blue, green, and yellow,
i want to see you next to me for the rest of our lives,
i want you to be my view.
(J.D) (11:05)