What is this feeling,
This emptiness I feel,
This loss of hope,
The worry to be alone.

The nightmares that come with this package, This deal in a nice, neat bow,
The nightmares that tell me things,
Things like everyone will leave me,
The ones that say I disappoint my father,
Even from his grave,
The ones that say I should just jump,
Jump off the nearest bridge, that is,
That it’ll just make their lives easier.

I know they’re wrong,
I know my friends are stable as a rock,
That I couldn’t disappoint my father,
That lots people love me for,
Love me too much for me to end it all,
That I’m worth it,
That I’m strong.

I know all of this,
Yet I still question it,
My thoughts,
My worth.

I’m told to get meds to make me okay,
I’m also told I shouldn’t have help until I can do it on my own.

Instead I hide,
I hide the nightmares,
The doubts,
The pleas for help.

I try to be positive,
I tell myself I’m okay,
I force a smile ‘till it sticks,
And I carry on.

Is that why people tell me I’m okay when I open up,
Do I really need medicine to be okay,
Is this all really just a disease,
Something to be cured?
Am I just a mind diseased?

You look so pale-
Have another plate
My poor baby
She’s lost so much weight

Take another cake
Eat another bite
I promise with some care
Everything should be alright

Do you wanna get better?
Do you want to try?
If you don’t want it to happen
You’ll kiss that recovery goodbye

Once you’ve given up
I will too
But you still want me to try
I just don’t know you do

I don’t know how to help you

Mom and Dad,
Siblings,
Family,
Love,
Safety and some place to go to,
Things most have.

Happiness is safety,
Like a place to go home to,
During a war there is no home,
No safety,
Not even love.


Sometimes this war is depression,
A long battle,
Difficult to overcome in its entirety,
Like every war,
Depression is something you can’t fight on your own,

Some things in the war remind you of what it was like,
What it was like before the war,
They give moments of clarity,
They show you what you’re fighting for.

These things can be simple as a smile,
A goodbye,
A compliment,
Or as important as,
A long meaningful talk,
A good hug.

When you receive these,
The battle is easier to fight for a moment,
So please give it to others,
Share the clarity,
Win a war.

Don’t settle,
Don’t think it’s okay,
Don’t say “I’m used to it,”,
Don’t lie and say “I’m fine,”.

When you do these,
You lose sight,
You lose sight of your worth,
You can lose your opulence,
You’ll lose your fight,
You’ll break in the end.

If I was a little skinnier,
If I was a little shorter,
If I was taller,
If I was stronger,
If I was curvier,
But what if I was less doubtful?

What if I was less criticizing,
Less negative,
What if I was more positive,
If I was happy with myself?

Would I rise above,
Would I learn to love myself and others,
Could I spread more positivity?

How hard could it be?

What if we were was less doubtful within ourselves?

You’re were,
A father?
No,
You were a runner.

Were.
You can’t run anymore.
You hid your heart while you ran,
So it never got stronger,
When you finally did use your heart,
Your heart was weak,
So weak that it killed you.

Now I’ll wear it,
Your ashes,
In a heart.

A badge dangling from my neck,
A sign,
A remembrance that shows how to use a heart.

-For, if you use it incorrectly it’ll **** you, I’ve learned.

Now that I’ve lost you,
I don’t know what to do,
Now that you’re gone,
I always feel so blue.

I can’t control my emotions,
Nor sleep just right,
For what I crave,
Is for you to hold me tight.

I blame you,
Your girls are just so mean,
But if what they say is true,
What happened to me.

What happened to us?

From seventeen,
Until your end,
I want you to know,
You were my oldest friend.

We fought and we cried,
We loved and only I live,
You still have my heart,
I have no other heart to give.

So I wait,
In this lonely plain,
Alone with your girls,
Until I can see you again.

- You took more than you gave, my love

Better safe than sorry,
This is considered true,
If better safe than sorry,
Why would I love you?

You’re the boss
You give me hope,
You cause me loss.

I’m done with you,
I found the edge,
I want you gone,
Yet I can’t go over the ledge.

I need you here,
To hold me near,
Now I know,
Losing you is what I fear.

I was wrong
It wasn’t only ever just the knife
It was your hand
Your stupid name tag
My Pokémon stickers
That monster and pizza- even though I’m picky and didn’t have any
It was the mint ice cream
The black cherry soda bottles-
Do you still have the lid?

Do you have the keychain?
Your Pokémon stickers?
I hope your protection spell is intact
The crystals?
Do you wish to wear the bracelets?
Think about how my sweatshirt felt on you?
Miss having my stuffies in your bed?
I wonder if you think about me when you’re by the drawer- or see Betsy?
Do I haunt you like you do me?

I know I only said “hi”
I think my body language screamed “I love you”
I’m pretty sure my eyes lit up when you looked back at me
Fireworks
You skipped that song

It felt too familiar
Leaning around that corner and calling
I think I saw it in your eyes when you turned to me
I think you felt it too
I thought-

When I said “have a good night”
I was all smiles- I mean, you’d said “hi” too
You were not as pleased
I guess I hadn’t see it in your eyes
That’s when I realized
It was only me who wished I still had you
I wish this wasn’t what it is

Grief.
A five letter word right?
No biggie?
Biggie.
Grief is why her mom is always mad.
Grief is why her sister became so distant.
Grief is why he looks down and hopes that they will do better.
Grief is why she’s lost.

She doesn’t know who to call Mom anymore,
That’s not the parent she knew.
Or maybe it is.
Has mom always been this way?
She doesn’t know anymore.

Why’s her sister so mean?
Why is her sister so quiet.
She used to be bright and friendly.
Now she hides behind anger.

She used to have such bright eyes.
A drive behind her proud stride.
A flawed yet supported system.
Now it is broken.

Her family was never perfect,
It was always almost enough
It was messy in a good way
It was whole

Now it is empty.

The king is gone,
The princesses without their crown.
The queen sleeps with the dragon,
And everyone around.

It feels new,
Like a new glove,
Something you have to get used to over time.

A new feeling,
A new thought,
Something positive,
Something good,
And it feels great.

It feels like warm sunlight on your skin after winter,
Like getting ahold of an old friend,
It feels like driving by a field of flowers,
Like making a home run,
It feels like a warm drink after a cold day,
Like a good rest after a hard day,
It feels amazing.

It’s not a temporary happy,
Not a forced smile,
It’s genuine,
It’s lasting,
It’s happy.

Her coverless-tattered state proved the journeys she had gone through.
Her old purple spine was scratched and bent,
Yet still beautifully intact.

The woman who brought her up filled her with stories,
Delicately placing each powerful word,
Gently building her up page by page,
Giving her a story to call her own.

She told her story to each reader,
Each page turn,
Every emotion.
Her pains in every paragraph,
Her charisma in every character,
Her love in every line,
Her tears in every tear.

She was worn
Yet brand new.

She held a strong font,
Each bold showing her power to change something,
Each italization expressing her importance.

Every time her story was told if affected a new person.

Crinkled and worn pages gave life a new meaning,
Provided a new definition of friendship, gave a new reason to live,
Provided a new reason to love.
She taught everyone something,
Giving away her everything.

She was judged for her looks by many,
But loved for her contents just as much.

Moments,
Minutes,
Memories,
Thoughts of the days when you were here whisk me away.

Playing catch,
Wandering around the hotels together,
Late night talks over cereal.

I miss it all,
I miss everything we did together.

The memories reply in my mind,
I keep pressing rewind,
“Maybe,”
“Maybe,” I tell myself
“Maybe if I replay it enough,
It’ll seem like your here,
Like I haven’t lost you,
Like you’re still in your car just near,
Like you’re just watching football,
Like you’re going to text me back when I say I love you,
Like you’re just taking mom shopping,
Like you’re just grabbing dinner,
Like you’re just at the softball field umpiring the late game,
Like you’re still in bed snoozing the day away,
Like we’re still a family,
One that’s left less broken than it is now,
A family with a father,
Just maybe,”

A smile,
A breath,
A new chance,
Something to try,
A reason to try,
There are many,
They might seem stupid,
They might seem small,
They may not seem to be worth it,
Know that they are worth it.

A fight,
Inside a mind,
A never-ending battle cry,
It rings inside a head,
Sometimes soft,
Sometimes loud,
But it’s always filled with dread,
Dread to keep fighting,
Dread to accept the reasons,
The reasons to try.

If you never try,
You may never lose,
But you’ll also never win.

“Run,
Go away,
If you run you won’t be like them,”
My anxiety says,
“You won’t be stuck,”
It repeats over and over.

What it forgot to mention,
What my heart says,
“If you run you’ll never rest,
Never get to try to be happy,”

When I go to sleep,
I wake up in the middle of the night,
Stuck in my spot as my muscles tense,
Visions of what might happen blur past,
Stamping my brain,
Again and again,
Until what feels like hours on end,
I can move again,

I wake up,
I tell my heart
“I’ll follow you today,”
I’m scared to,
Petrified,
But I’ll try.

My anxiety bubbles over,
Seeing me succeed week in and out,
It rages,
It brings a friend to this fight,
A friend called depression,

As I try,
As begin to fight,
My heart follows,
But it is scared too,
We both hide instead,
I’ve lost.

Anxiety holds my lungs captive,
Pushing them as if they were in a 5K,
I breathe fast,
My brain is visited by anxiety’s party,

“Your past should show you to run,”
“You’ll end up like them,”
“Run while you can,”
“You’ll be stuck,”
“You’re ignoring all the signs,”

Tears spill down my face as I believe them,
Suddenly my lungs go faster,
And I realize I am running,
Running from my own  happiness,
Away from my stability,
Away from everything,
All I do is run.

Just like my dad,
You think with all the running his heart would be healthier,
I thought that, too.

I was wrong,
It made his heart weak,
It shied away much too often,
It killed him in the end.

Will that be me too?

Six months it’s been,
Six months today,
Half a year,
Six months since you passed away.

Time has flown,
It still feels new,
Will it always feel new to me?
New that you’re gone?

Six months,
That’s all it’s been,
I have the rest of my life to count,
Days,
Weeks,
Months,
Years.

I have the rest of my life to live,
To keep pushing through,
And now I have to do it without you.

-I miss you

Icy blue eyes,
Freeze my heart in the moment,
I freeze in a cool bliss,
I could stay there forever.

Warm joyous smiles,
So warm they make my face heat up too,
They melt my heart,
Revive me.

Crazy bed hair,
Distraught in directions,
Blown by the wind,
Making me emerge into emotion,
Bringing me to you.

Freckles,
Everywhere,
Like the night sky.

An excuse,
Hours of ‘counting’,
Really just admiring your beauty.

When you’re away,
I sit and ponder under the stars,
Feeling inches away from you,
Reminded of your freckles,
Your hair,
Your smile,
And God,
I’m reminded of your eyes.

Words,
Stories,
Books,
They held my childhood captive like a directive hand,
Holding me as I escaped,
Escaped a father’s in-your-face anger,
Escaped a mother’s fierceness
Escaped the yelling in the other room,
Ringing like sirens telling me to run off to my dreams,
To escape others emotions.

The stories whispered understanding to me,
Allowing me to relate and understand others,
Showing me not to run from others emotions.

Words allowed me to understand,
Understand mother’s grief-stricken face,
Why she cried through the pain,
Understand my best friends longing to be needed,
Understand father’s aggressiveness,
To understand people in general,
To understand my world and everything around me.

Yet could never understand myself,
Never understood my emotions,
My pains,
Why I am the way that I am.

Little did I know the books tried to help me,
The words cared too,
I never understood myself,
Except when I allowed the words to help,
To let them flow from my body,
Out of my eyes.

I felt the words,
Rushing through my finger tip,
Sprawling out in front of me,
Forming a smile as I understood,
Understood myself.

In using the words,
I found out how to understand myself.