What is it about my pain
that speaks to you?

There are parts of me,
dark parts of me,
that I don't think
I can ever fix, and

I am terrified
of wanting things
that I don't deserve.

Hold on to me
like your whole world depends on it.

Otherwise,
let me go.

is it worth it?

worth the ache in your chest,
worth the pain and the tears?

is it worth the sleepless nights,
and the shine from your eyes?

is it worth the weight on your soul?
is it worth giving your all?

is it worth your peace?

Isn’t it funny?

to beg for love

in a world so barren.

so desperate to feel

amidst the crowd of the numb.

longing to spark a flame
inside 
the walls of these
stone cold hearts.

why do you seek life in something

you’ve so viciously murdered?

why do you lock the doors to a home

when you wish to be taken far away?

Isn’t it funny?

to live by deceit

when all you crave is honesty

to wish for death

when you’ve tried so hard to live.

and to plead for someone to stay

when all they want to do is leave.

Isn’t it funny?

to receive only pain

when all you’ve given is love.

and to give love

when all you have is pain.

long live

the resilience

in you.

If  I  ask you to count
the  stars  in  the  sky,
you would tell me the
number  is  unknown
to mankind. That it is,
by   default,    infinite.

That  is what  it's like,
when   you   ask   me
how much I love you.

Then, I looked at you and I understood
what it was; for time to stand still. And
I saw what it was like, to see forever
in a fracture of a second.
In that moment,
forever,
was you.

I have never known peace.
And never is a long time
to get used to the chaos.
Long enough, that I no longer
find the need to seek for sanctuary.

we  missed  our chance
and  now  it  sits there,
stuck   in   the  past,
long   overdue.

If I were to send you all the letters I wrote,

the ones where my heart bled out the words

and where my tears painted the borders.

—where I laid out all my pain to rest,

you would know the depths my heart has tunneled,

just so I could make more space for you.

you would know the dreams I tucked away

for the day we reached our promise of forever.

you will find, there, the thousand different ways

I wish I could have said I loved you.
and a thousand
 more ways I wished
I could have made you stay.

call them prayers, the way I begged the heavens

if there was a way to save a sinking ship.

or heal all the wounds yet to be inflicted;
or take away the memories yet to be made;


If I had sent them, would you have understood?

that there was no way for me to love you 

any less than I did. That is the way that I am.
And there was no way for me to love you

and not lose myself. I’d have given you my soul.

and your glass would never have been empty

because I would have given you my all.

I want to know
how to love
my self whole,
so no one else
can love me
half meant.

I want to know
how to walk around
not feeling incomplete;
to not have to seek validation
in anyone else’s hands
but my own.

I want to hold my head up high,
and my heart on my sleeves.
I no longer want to fear
having someone take it away
only to never see it’s worth;
because I do.

I want to know
how to live my life,
without the hurt.

I want to heal,
and love my self,
enough to bring out
the courage
to take life head on.

It took me   three heartbreaks
to know: no time's the charm.
Not with love.

Leave me dead or numb
instead of hurting.

You make me
both the happiest,
and the loneliest
person alive.
And that
is a terrifying power
to wield.

Never again
will I ever
beg for love

but give me yours for free,
and I will return it doubled.

I do not understand
people's              fear
of being            alone.

Maybe,            I have
lived              the fear
for far          too long.

It  is  only       hopeless
when you stop hoping

and  you  only        fail,
when you   stop trying.

there is
life in me
you cannot hope
to fathom

there is
light in me
a you cannot hope
to douse

there is
power in me
you cannot hope
to destroy