inreticence: Poems

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inreticence Jan 2020

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There are parts of me,
dark parts of me,
that I don't think
I can ever fix, and

I am terrified
of wanting things
that I don't deserve.

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inreticence Nov 2019

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I love you
in so many ways

that if one way
wasn't enough,

there would still be
a thousand different ways

for me to love you.

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inreticence Dec 2019

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What is it about my pain
that speaks to you?

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inreticence Feb 2019

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Isn’t it funny? 
to beg for love
 in a world so barren. 
so desperate to feel 
amidst the crowd of the numb. 
longing to spark a flame
inside  the walls of these
stone cold hearts. 
why do you seek life in something
 you’ve so viciously murdered? 
why do you lock the doors to a home 
when you wish to be taken far away?
 Isn’t it funny? 
to live by deceit 
when all you crave is honesty 
to wish for death 
when you’ve tried so hard to live.
 and to plead for someone to stay 
when all they want to do is leave. 
Isn’t it funny? 
to receive only pain 
when all you’ve given is love. 
and to give love 
when all you have is pain.

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inreticence Jan 2020

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It's a daunting thing,
self awareness.

Especially, when you realize
you barely know yourself.

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inreticence Sep 2019

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is it worth it?

worth the ache in your chest,
worth the pain and the tears?

is it worth the sleepless nights,
and the shine from your eyes?

is it worth the weight on your soul?
is it worth giving your all?

is it worth your peace?

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inreticence Sep 2020

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Eventually
is a terrifying word.
Not so much, in the way that
you have no idea
of what is inevitable,
but instead,
in knowing that you have
even just the tiniest bit of power
to alter the course of things;
that even just a slight nudge
to whichever direction,
right or wrong,
there will always be
an eventually.

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inreticence Jan 2020

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I used to look at you
like you were an open book,
out in the open, for the world to see.

But the closer I got,
the more I saw.

I saw the walls around you.
I saw how you painted them to hide yourself.
I saw glimpses of the demons you try to keep at bay.

For the first time,
I saw the baggages you carried.
The scars you wear.

And I realized I have been looking at you
for the longest time,
without ever truly seeing you.
And I am sorry.

But I am here now.
I see you.

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inreticence Sep 2019

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I loved you so much
that even when
I saw the inevitable,

I stayed.

#love

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inreticence Dec 2019

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I hope you know
that every time I told you I loved you,
it came from deep down inside my heart.

So deep,
that every time I said it,
I could feel my heart ache.

#love

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inreticence Dec 2019

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I would go to sleep,
but I know,
I'd still miss you in my dreams.

#i #miss #you

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inreticence Dec 2019

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Some days,
it's hard to tell,

if I lock my self
inside my head

to keep the monsters away,
or because I am
the monster.

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inreticence Dec 2019

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I keep telling myself,
I'll leave when I am tired,
when I am done hurting,
when I have run out of love,
and yet here I am,
still clinging on to you.

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inreticence Jan 2020

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When I leave,  there will be no warnings. 
There will be no calm before the storm. 

Had you truly known me,  
you would have known that I have always
remained true to my chaos. 

It has always been silent. 

And someday when I am gone, 
in the dead of the night,
dreams of me will haunt you, 
and you will lay awake,  
wondering where I went 
or if I will ever return, 
and that will be your undoing.

 I will give you no answers, nor peace,
the same way I gave you my heart 
and had to take it back in pieces.

Pride is such a terrible thing.

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inreticence Jan 2020

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I’ve been dead long enough to know
there is no pain in numbness and
no fear when you know the dark,
no heartache without a heart.

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inreticence Jan 2020

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Hold on to me
like your whole world depends on it.

Otherwise,
let me go.

Nobody wants to be half loved.

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inreticence Feb 2020

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I am on a journey backwards,

trying to retrace my footsteps

to where I might have lost myself.

So I can pick it up, and keep going.

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inreticence Mar 2020

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all this talk of forever,
as if it's light years away
but it's right here.
right now.
with you.
and so on, it will go.

#forever #love #us

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inreticence Jul 2020

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My love,
your words are beautiful.
They are.
In so many ways.
They spark like fireworks.
Bright and warm.
So beautiful.

Until the dawn comes
and we go back to our own axis,
and you're a million miles away
even though, I am right beside you.
I would hold your hand for some semblance of connection.
Desperate.
But my heart can never seem to reach you.
And you would smile like you're here,
but the truth is, I am not your home.
Not anymore, my love.
And for a moment, through your journey's silence,
you'd hear the feint cries of my heart.
But only just. Like a whisper through the wind.
And then you would say all the words.
All the beautiful words,
like it would bandage the rift of galaxies between us,
but you don't realize
that at the end of every word's tune,
just as they could reach the stars,
they die.
Just like fireworks.

#love #hurt #pain #beautiful #sorrow

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inreticence Dec 2020

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And when I dream of you,
 I dream of you in hopes and wishes, 
laced in gold and glitters. 
In images of warmth and laughters.  

I dream of you while awake; 
dream of you with so much love, 
I could taste it on my lips 
and I could feel you in my arms.  

And when I dream, 
I dream away the distance between us. 
The uncertainty and the fear.

  I dream of you so much, 
I could almost conjure it up
into my reality. 

Just… almost.

  So I dream away. 
And I hope. 
And I wish. 
Until it all comes true.

#dreams #love

against all odds

inreticence Feb 2019

against all odds

there are things in life
i cannot ever hope
to control

and i am fine with that.
but heavens know
if there was one thing
i could

i would chose
above all else
and against all odds
to be with you

I wish it was us in the end.

#love #heavens #hope #odds

All Hail

inreticence Feb 2019

All Hail

long live

the resilience

in you.

My Kings and Queens.

#hail #royals #resilience

By default, infinite.

inreticence Feb 2019

By default, infinite.

If  I  ask you to count
the  stars  in  the  sky,
you would tell me the
number  is  unknown
to mankind. That it is,
by   default,    infinite.

That  is what  it's like,
when   you   ask   me
how much I love you.

#love #infinite

Dark days

inreticence Mar 2019

Dark days

Chivalry dances
around its neighbor’s
fresh new grave.

       Integrity sits in silence.
       He has nothing more
       to stand up for.

              Empathy brings flowers
              but she can no longer feel.

                       And Hope’s cries fill the yard,
                       as she was the last one
                       keeping the new settler
                       from his grave.

                                  Today, the whole yard mourns,
                                  for everything is doomed
                                  once humanity is dead.

Don’t let humanity die.

#world #humanity #peace #death #love #empathy #hope #integrity #chivalry

Dead or Alive

inreticence Jun 2019

Dead or Alive

On days that I make it through the storm,
slow death looms over me.

The aftermath leaves nothing unturned.
I am the dead man walking.

Moments turn into an endless cycle
of mournful days without the sun.

Days, when getting up hurts more
because in my dreams is where I am alive.

Days, when reality is the grave I am buried in.
Days, when it hurts more to be alive.

#storm #dead #alive #hurt

Forever in a Second

inreticence Apr 2019

Forever in a Second

Then, I looked at you and I understood
what it was; for time to stand still. And
I saw what it was like, to see forever
in a fracture of a second.
In that moment,
forever,
was you.

#forever

Heaven or Hell.

inreticence Apr 2019

Heaven or Hell.

I have never known peace.
And never is a long time
to get used to the chaos.
Long enough, that I no longer
find the need to seek for sanctuary.

#heaven #hell #peace #sanctuary #chaos

I "like" you

inreticence Feb 2019

I "like" you

I had to diminish
your entire existence
into minuscule words
in hopes to do the same
with how I feel about you.

But the ocean wasn't meant
to be bottled up,
as does the universe
refuses to be conquered.

And that's exactly what you are.

I was too afraid that love was too big of a word.
And it is.

#love #universe #ocean #you

It is what it is

inreticence Feb 2019

It is what it is

I think we both know
it won’t be us in the end

And that’s okay.
We almost had it.
We tried.

But I will not apologize
for hoping.

And I am not sorry
that my heart is fond of you.

Sometimes love
isn’t enough.

But it won’t change the fact
that I loved you.

Some things don't work out. And it hurts. But that's life.

Jump

inreticence Feb 2019

Jump

we  missed  our chance
and  now  it  sits there,
stuck   in   the  past,
long   overdue.

sometimes you just have to go for it.

#chances #jump

Leave it be.

inreticence Mar 2019

Leave it be.

Some, come across broken souls,
unable to mend them.
Yet, insist they must.
Picking up the shattered pieces.
Inevitably, in the process,
wounding their own hands.
And through that pain
comes their lesson:
If it is not yours to fix,
it is okay to leave it broken.

I know you meant well.

#fix #broken #souls #good #intentions

let her grow

inreticence Feb 2019

let her grow

I see you pluck heedless flowers
 from the ground where they grow 
dressing your narcissism as love.   

And you put it in a vase, to sooth
 the gnawing fact that it is nothing 
more than a casket. She waits do die.  

You think her beautiful, so convinced 
only you deserve to handle her charms, 
yet in your watch she slowly withers.  

Love, you can keep picking flowers  
but none of them will stay 
until you realize it doesn’t need you.   

she thrives in the wild by her roots, 
by the ground where she stands. 

you can watch her bloom
without tearing her apart.

 that is how you must love.

#flowers #love #bloom

Letters to You

inreticence Feb 2019

Letters to You

If I were to send you all the letters I wrote, 
the ones where my heart bled out the words 
and where my tears painted the borders. 
—where I laid out all my pain to rest, 
you would know the depths my heart has tunneled, 
just so I could make more space for you. 
you would know the dreams I tucked away
 for the day we reached our promise of forever. 
you will find, there, the thousand different ways
 I wish I could have said I loved you.
and a thousand  more ways I wished
I could have made you stay. 
call them prayers, the way I begged the heavens
 if there was a way to save a sinking ship. 
or heal all the wounds yet to be inflicted;
or take away the memories yet to be made;  
If I had sent them, would you have understood? 
that there was no way for me to love you  
any less than I did. That is the way that I am.
And there was no way for me to love you
 and not lose myself. I’d have given you my soul. 
and your glass would never have been empty 
because I would have given you my all.

#letters #love #loveletters

Lost

inreticence Mar 2019

Lost

And here
we all stand
on the fragile surface
of mundane ideals;
a billion tiles
of hopes and dreams,
glued together by blind belief.
A safety net cradling you
from what is below;
the dark
empty
numbing pit
of a meaningless existence

#life

Love Casket

inreticence Jun 2019

Love Casket

Let me put us in a box
where memories run in loops.

Where, we never had to worry
about what comes next.

Where, forever was now
and now was forever.

Where, we couldn’t care less about tomorrow
because all that mattered was, we were together.

Let me put us in a box,
because, like all things dead,
that's where our love belong.

Like all things dead,
it was once beautiful.

Like all things dead,
it will be remembered.

Let me put us in a box,
so that even when the world goes on,
we know that, once, our love lived.

#love

Love me whole

inreticence Feb 2019

Love me whole

I want to know
how to love
my self whole,
so no one else
can love me
half meant.

I want to know
how to walk around
not feeling incomplete;
to not have to seek validation
in anyone else’s hands
but my own.

I want to hold my head up high,
and my heart on my sleeves.
I no longer want to fear
having someone take it away
only to never see it’s worth;
because I do.

I want to know
how to live my life,
without the hurt.

I want to heal,
and love my self,
enough to bring out
the courage
to take life head on.

#selflove #love

Love's not Luck

inreticence Mar 2019

Love's not Luck

It took me three heartbreaks
to know: no time's the charm.
Not with love.

#love #luck

Make it quick.

inreticence Mar 2019

Make it quick.

Leave me dead or numb
instead of hurting.

#love #hurt #numb #hunt #prey

Mercy

inreticence Sep 2019

Mercy

You make me
both the happiest,
and the loneliest
person alive.
And that
is a terrifying power
to wield.

More

inreticence Mar 2019

More

Never again
will I ever
beg for love

but give me yours for free,
and I will return it doubled.

#love

Numb

inreticence Feb 2019

Numb

I do not understand
people's              fear
of being            alone.

Maybe,            I have
lived              the fear
for far          too long.

#fear #alone

oh, the heart

inreticence Jun 2019

oh, the heart

what a funny little thing. 
stubborn, at most.  
reckless, always.

  plowing through 
all the excuses. 
raging and carefree.  

not at all clueless,
but  decidedly
fearless.

#heart #stubborn #reckless #raging #carefree #fearless

Perspective

inreticence Mar 2019

Perspective

It  is  only       hopeless
when you stop hoping

and  you  only        fail,
when you   stop trying.

#hope #succeed

Prayers

inreticence Feb 2019

Prayers

the broken, ask God
not for forever.
but for another chance at love.

I think we get hurt to learn and grow. Not to run away from love.

#broken #prayers #love #god #forever #chances

say it with me

inreticence Feb 2019

say it with me

there is
life in me
you cannot hope
to fathom

there is
light in me
a you cannot hope
to douse

there is
power in me
you cannot hope
to destroy

You got this.

#self #life #light #power #love #hope

Selfish

inreticence Feb 2019

Selfish

Sometimes,
you need to look in the mirror
and ask yourself
if you are even worthy
of the love you are seeking
from someone else.

#selfish #love

Sometimes I forget

inreticence Feb 2019

Sometimes I forget

Am I just
writing what I feel,
Or am I
writing to feel?

#feel #write #forget

Stay

inreticence Apr 2019

Stay

And through the pain I learned
a couple things
about myself.

I learned that
when I told you,
"I will never ask for too much."
What I meant was,
I am afraid if I told you
what I wanted
and what I needed
you would have thought it was too much
and eventually,
you would leave.

So, I learned never to say it again.

#love