He could only described her as a girl of everywhere and nowhere. She was clearly the light of the party, as she swayed her hips to the booming music and laughed foolishly with her friends. The trophy girlfriend to the promising quarterback with her classy style and lopsided grin that was nothing but cute. And she knew it too. She was never- could never- be oblivious to the eyes that followed her every move. But she didn't care either. Why should she? Everything she did was perfectly glorious, and when she slipped up, she laughed, throwing her head back and apologizing in between blushes. How could anybody hate that?
He had seen her, one night, as he was driving home from the convenience store, in the 1 am blues with nothing to keep him company but a pack of ramen noodles. She was walking home with a flock of her friends, all of them high on each other and the cold night sky. It was intoxicating, to say the least.
Her smiles filled up every shadow and raided every spare thought, but she was hardly any more than the girl every guy wanted, and the girl people wanted to be. She knew it herself- after high school she would be an nobody. A shining star could only last so long. In the depths of the night, after the giddy of it all wore away, she was just another girl, counting the days until it all went away.

Grab my hand and hold it tight
Don't let go, my heart depends on you
Let me treat you with the respect you deserve

I trust you
Do you trust me?
1
  2
    3
JUMP
We'll fall into tomorrow
together.

I am the stars, the mountain tops, the rivers, and bays.
My hand touches yours even 3,000 miles away.
I share the pains of ever dying stars and fading dream.
I mourn the London hope that deems impossible.

I come from a family too broken that I can't pinpoint where is all went wrong. My memory is too blurred to tell the beginning from the end. Your words were a trap that lured my too young body, my too naïve mind into a realm of darkness. Into a universe of supernovas and explosions. And yet still, I pity you. I fight for your name and defend the honor that shattered my own.
My cosmos, my being, my will is not mine anymore, but a figment of your influence. When mother dear left me all alone with father, I was another girl living in a world not ready for her.
I am a beautiful whirlwind or pain, hope, sorrow, and birth.

I am a girl equally divided between the stars and scars.

Your being is like an elephant in the room sitting in the dry air. Our conversations are spoken through the dead pauses and flailing topics.
I'm trying. I really am.
But I don't understand us. I don't understand the way your eyes flicker left to right when you're nervous, or how your fingers pull on the bottom of your pants when you're irritated. I can't understand the face that your laughter sounds like a million symphonies playing at the same time, or how your jokes fall flat. Not because they aren't funny, but because you want them to **** a mood.

These past few months have been more liberating than I care to admit. I found my own routine in the disorder and I'm slowly rising to where I want to be. But it's like I've hit a brick wall with a door but no key. I am left breathless and confused after every day.
I'm talking to the moon because nobody else is listening. Nobody else will ever understand me except me...and I want to keep it that way.

I am born from one million dreams, a farmer, and a Laos flag- well, half of one anyways. I talk about London not only as a dream, but as a part of me that I can never achieve. Because it has been 3 years since I have seen your smiling face not within a memory...so it goes.
My mother was a glowing ball of light in my life. If she was the sun, everyone is just a planet, revolving around her glow. And I'm a star, never measuring up to her beaming light. She was the sun, a sun that exploded into a million pieces, never to return again.
I live in the New York City hustle. My nightlight is the traffic and my lullaby is Time Square mania. I feel like I'm constantly run over by the cars, a roadblock at every turn.
Five more years Four more years
I'm counting every. single. day. Another day closer to my London fantasy, to leaving my life in the ditch, to reinventing myself however I choose to be.

Moon girl

I catch light and throw it back to the universe trembling; falling
as I once did now 17 years ago
Energy within my core...I am filled with unpracticed elegance, a girl unafraid of pause
Unafraid to bend and to rise
My mind is restless, flying, soaring above the clouds
My hair gleams of silver
My heart of filth, blood, and terror
I radiate passion: eyes a deep glorious boundless void

Moon girl

My sister was a wildflower. She grew through the weeds into a pastel purples and blues and pinks. She was the happy child who was shielded from everything.
The favorite.
The loved.
The wanted.
She would laugh and laugh. And cry when we kissed her goodnight. She loves the sun- heck her name means sun- and playing hard.

But that was a year ago.

Now she's going through some phase that I can't comprehend.
"I love you"...god when was the last time she said that to anybody? I see through her big blue eyes and her dry comments. I see her world become a cynical cell that nobody has the key to. I see her door being locked and her mouth twisted until I can't see her anymore. All that's left is this thin outline- a faint memory- of the vibrant little sister.

And I am reminded that flowers also die.

I feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders
and your face fading ever so slightly out of my mind
It's been two weeks now since we were over
and a week since our last texts

"hey hru"
"I'm good now :) u?"

My friends made a 'get over him cake'
It had raspberry frosting
Your favorite berry

I'm not over you, ofc
but I'm almost there

My dear,
you are my sunflower
facing the sun head on.

My dear,
your laugh is my medicine.
I could stare at your smile all day long...
if only you smiled more

My dear,
rooted to the crumbling dirt ground,
save some yellow for yourself.

The sun explodes into a thousand pieces and whispers thousands of impossible dreams into my ear. I hear your laugh in the traffic and see your eyes in the stoplight. All at once I am hit with a thousand memories of everything we were and everything we could be.  Your messy hair in my comb and a picture of you is still framed. Frames mean permanence.

At the party my eyes wander for your missing face at the party. I faintly feel your arm on my shoulder and lips on my forehead kissing me goodnight.

The moon comes over me and I feel the cold run through my skin. There is lipstick on my teeth and my brain is foggy from last night. My head is pounding and foggy from last night.  God, what happened last night? Did I do something stupid?

You're gone and the car behind me has honked me for the third time now. My tiny blue civic lurches past main street and the lights reflect in the mirrors. I check the time on my phone. No messages, but thousands of updates on my feed.

2:54 a.m.

I'm not the girl in my poems
I speak the mind of a dream

You can't resonate with a girl who doesn't exist

I feel lost in the world...
trapped in time
while life moves on.
I feel like I'm becoming the girl
they warned me not to be.

of my lucid dreams
innocence
snickering rumors
and all the dam things I threw away
because I thought we were in love

It was just yesterday
when you decorated my locker in a shower of glitter-stickers
and big fat hearts
that made me smile ever so foolishly

Life is a whirlwind of emotions
and you are my shelter from the storm

Run away with me
at dusk
Let's drink boxed wine
and laugh together
over stupid memories
and forgotten friends

dancing in the London rain

you broke me down
and built me up stronger than before
covered me in rays of powers
and whispers of dreams
mixed with a double shot
or energy running through my veins

my heart is thawing

Your love is as sweet as a strawberry
With the flavor bursting from every angle
and making me smile, despite myself.

Your love is like chocolate
comforting me in thick waves
of home, and reassurance

I had my first good sleep last night
without my own thoughts suffocating me
pulling me into the darkness
and leaving me breathless from anxiety
at 2 a.m.

I dreamed
that my uncle turned against me
and the night before,
a murderer was on the loose

But I can confidently wake up and say
I had a good sleep
ignoring my subconsciousness
and the vivid deaths my brain spurred

So I smiled to the snow
and to the frigid cold
that was slowly creeping back
into my fears

I want to go back to Cancun
with my feet gliding
across the cool white sand
and the salty ocean water
cleaning my wounds and shoving itself
down my throat

When it was pouring at 4 am
and we stood in the hut
watching the turtles lay their eggs
as the gods cried in pain

I want to be that young and carefree
when I wouldn't notice my weight
the number of friends I had
and my whole life wouldn't rest on one letter

is that really so hard?
all i asked for
was a fake grin
and to feel like a queen for the day.

my mouth is sore
from whispering
the words i wanted to hear from you

The nights i prayed
for the letter today
wasted
because the few people I wanted to be happy for me
are the only people who
just
don't
care

I guess good things can't go on forever

From the rays that shine
upon my back
and the babbling brooks
and twittering blue jays

The Morning Glories rustle pleasantly
at the touch of affection
and their lips part slowly
to the taste of hope

How the light breeze
flows through every strand of her fire hair
and electricity pulses beneath our feet

Memories of the springtime
waft around
in a smoky haze
as I exhale back to reality

I write because...

it helps mend my soul
and sow together the pieces i didn't know were broken.

it expresses my inner thoughts, worries, and fears
and relieves me from my hurt
so i can put up a smile for society
and laugh with the people
who laugh at me

it lets me be anyone other than myself

it passes the time
and makes me forget
yet feeds me
with stories from my fellow peers

The lights flicker out
and I'm left with darkness overwhelming me
Thoughts pounding my head
until I'm screaming and crying and laughing in pain

I see the reflection of myself
shatter in the broken glass
and my whole reality is
f
  a
     l
       l
         i
           n
             g
apart.

I'm sick of staying alone
in an empty house
thinking empty thoughts.

A heart of gold she would
Never give it away carelessly
Especially in a world where
Real love seems so fake
In retrospect, she

is

precious

you never apologized
for hurting me
but i apologized a million times
for being upset about it.

Your furry body
Resting in between my thighs
Your purrs can heal souls

The once sunny days
are replaced with the rainy
as wet as tears on my face

your infectious laugh
fills my ears
so desperately
until I can’t hear nothing more
than a faded memory

and the pictures on my phone
have been looked at
more than the work on my desk

your texts
aren’t as memorable
as the seconds of happiness
i squeezed out of us
like a sponge

and the time we spend
isn’t as fun
when we’re six feet apart

are you mad
at what i said
or are you mad
because it’s true?

living is living to the fullest
looking back to no regrets
a bundle of memories
too precious to share
yet too special to keep alone

living is feeling fear
its every emotion through your head
its not perfect
its being brave to speak out
and make a difference

living is every moment
you do something
you would do again
its the small fights
soothed by the beautiful words

living is the gasp when seeing scenery
the wind in your hair
the sparkle of your eyes and the **** of your smile
the satisfaction and pride
for yourself and other

living is
pure bliss
afraid to shatter

we think we know
what love should be
and that
is why reality
is so painful.

i’m a butterfly in the rain
wings dripping with salty tears
i’m a firefly in the dark
possessing a glow so beautiful
it makes me worth catching
i’m a girl with no hope
for i am too much of everything
and never enough.

i used to hide from your pain
change myself for you
and i called it love
blindly following you
until you broke me

so i sat in my room eating icecream
when was the last time i was without you?
my heart is bruised, but its healing
cause i found people
that loved me through my problems
and they mended my tender heart

so that one day,
i can truly find love
and be reborn

lies dripping with patronizing pity
filling their deceiving speeches
she promised it would be okay
does she believe what she preaches?
he told me to pause my thoughts,
to halt my salty tears
as if i can stop remembering
after suffering all these years.
they acted as if my mind was wrong
called my feelings fools
forced me to calm myself
but my demons don’t read rules.
everything about me
was labeled and destroyed
and every time i asked for help
i screamed into a void.
they pretended they knew it all
but i detected the lie

i refuse to listen any longer

when a heartbroken lover
pours out all her feelings
and translates them
into words,
something hopelessly beautiful
is created.
appreciated by many,
but not by the one
she’s written it for.

not movies
not writing
not dreams
and-god forbid-in public.


but with you
i understand the appeal.

i used to think
we were the perfect match
but matches are meant
to ignite
and then
            burn out.

i want to call myself brave
for calling it off
but if i was brave
i would have stopped it at the start

ocean eyes
your eyes were as deep as the ocean
words as shallow as the sand
i stood in your empty promises
and drowned.

i’m glad that i met you
but i'm not sad
that you left.

do not judge my story
if you haven’t read
all the chapters.

i didn’t fall in love with you.
i fell in love
with your potential
to be
what i thought i needed
at the time.

is just a beautiful person
with messy problems;
a broken heart
with roses growing from the cracks.

on rainy days
i like to pretend
that i am sinking into the water
so i can drown in something
other than my thoughts.

you used to be
the best thing
that ever happened to me
but now you’re just another
faded memory.

we met at the crossroads,
our hands intertwined
but i went left and you went right,
we lost track of the time.

so now a few years later,
with lives so far apart,
you are living happy,
and i’m still at the start

is it selfish of me to wish you ill
so we can be in the same place, again?
because at those crossroads
i lost myself in the end