just shut up, alright?
you were never there for me

I saw a
    fluffy cloud in
    the sky, shaped
    like a broken heart.
That's when I,
    got back to
    the murky past,
    and thought of you.

my heart goes boom,
    along with the,
    beat of the stereo,
    loud and alive.
the sound of my heart,
    boom, clap-- it goes.
    it makes me smile,
    for this time.
then it goes on--
    subconsciously humming
    to the tune,
    of your heartbeart.

it all just went on-
    he asked her with,
    she accepted,
    while I broke.
it took me days,
    i kept seeing you
    in my mind, I'm,
    heartbroken and desperate.
we seemed like
    strangers to our,
    souls calling out,
    our lost chance.

you loved and destroyed me
*but came back with tragedy

it's been there, then it's *gone

you fell for the looks, but not for the happiness

this peculiar, petty feeling
i have, never felt it before...
thoughts of you in my head keep reeling
but it won't last forevermore

you keep turning your head to take a glance
and your curious eyes caught my sight
oh how it wants to make me dance
it even makes my heart take flight

yet, these overflowing feelings that I take hold
no matter how many time I talk to you
there is no spark or an ignited fire to behold
no longer will there be the button of undo

such a waste my words that my mouth has formed
knowing that you don't like me is such a forlorn

the lies that
i spread
around this
hopeless
little
world
are more than
just words

i hate how
i can
easily spread
lies to gain power
yet i become
blind to
what will
happen
to my friends

i have lived in vain

dont touch me
the world nor you doesn't deserve me
i'm as stupid as can be
so let me fall
to where
i belong

i hate living for my own

i am so insensitive
secrets are these
they can
be lies
they can be
a person
a place
yet
can slip from our
mouths and
through our
actions

up to this day, i don't know why i'm still alive

forgive me for destroying you

you lied to me, idiot
you told me that we would play songs together
you told me that you would play with me
for the last time in your life
before you truly left me *behind

under the petals of the cherry blossoms
i was just a friend of yours who seemed so ordinary
a person who just wrote scores to a music sheet
whose fingers haven't touched a piano in years
stuck in the past of his horrible memories

you keep bugging me for canelés
you keep hitting me with your shoe
you keep pestering me to keep practising
i hate the way you see me as just a friend
but i really don't know what made me love you

you hid a secret from me at the start of april
henceforth, i was able to know about it
to know about it by seeing it without warning
that you were at your last days during the winter months
your hand slipping from consciousness, losing its grip

these music sheets i was never able to grasp for long
you gave them back to me, the energy that i've lost
to play the music full of words and expression
for i truly cannot be good with my own words
but through sounds, i can reach your heart

for the last time, i played, i played out for you
my heart pouring its feelings onto the piano
as if it was my very own, indulged to its melody
you face before me one last time with your violin
before i knew it, you left me with tears streaking down my cheeks

*you may be an idiot, but i love you very much

mischief and such wit
  moony, wormtail, padfoot, prongs
  they're the marauders
and when the job's done
  wave your wand and just say this
  'mischief managed!' done
cleverness present
  but wasted on breaking rules
  yet used for the fun

I open my eyes and
see that the day has given me
a dull grey attitude again because of
the depression that I hide
from within, a smile to go along with it
to avoid the questions that people ask
that always seem to hurt.

These scars that hide behind
my long-sleeved shirts or the sleeves
of my jacket, are the marks of when
I couldn't handle life anymore.
Yet, I am always persistent, even if I am
already hopeless, worthless and pained.
I still hold on even if I've been doing that for long.

I am a soldier who fights my demons alone.
A battle with a pre-determined winner yet,
I should try to manage not to lose.
I wear a mask to hide the tears that
I always shed every second of the day.
And, even if I always fight back,
the monster that fights me, always comes back.

all real and vivid as it seems to be
none of it can be felt completely
a fluffy vision being reeled to our consciousness
suddenly evolving into a great nightmare
*
human voices always
ruining the good dreams
yet are life-savers when
we have our worst nightmares

Folds, fur, creases and greases on your clothes
Have you had a nice breakfast?
No, no, it doesn't seem so.
You've had a bad day since you've risen from your bed.
Your hands are shaking and don't even notice it,
Probably because of the nicotine hidden in the left pocket of your jacket.
Ahh! Shut up! You were thinking! It's annoying!
Get out! Get out! I need to go to my mind palace!
Also, if you think that I'm a psychopath,
I'm just a high-functioning sociopath.
With your number! -smiles-

Oh, John Watson? You've got a limp from your last war from Afghanistan.
Your hand stays steady when you're suspicious or feel like you're being threatened.
Hmm, you like the battlefield, don't you, John?
Ahh, you can be my colleague! Come on, John!
Wait, what? Who are you?
The name's Sherlock Holmes and I live on 221B Baker Street.
And, I'm a consulting detective who uses,
*The Science of Deductions

they say that time travelling is impossible
but then i thought of something
to make this case possible
and for the issue to disappear like nothing

you know of the time zones, right?
when i thought about it
that's when i knew it was somewhat right
and that's how an idea was lit

when we go to another country to slack
it has a different time to beat
it may be pulled some hours back
or pushed some hours forward in defeat

this is just an idea that popped up instantly
not yet read or heard by others
yet can i push myself to tell others constantly,
so that this idea can be no bother?

North, East, West, South
Are full of nations
With no doubt
That are full of wonderful creations

There goes the Axis Powers and Allied Forces
That unite as one
To go through different and difficult courses
Or sometimes to have fun

But when it comes to declaring a war
These nations may get too carried away
Because they take it too far
That it leads them astray

But, they always know that they have to stay as friends
So that the world won't come to an end

(Please read the note below!)

by words you're described
  my fantasy you've taken
  all over my thoughts
yet you're fictional
  but i really need you so
  yet so unreal now
this fictional love
  so it has come between us
  but you can't grow old
this feeling is weird
  loving someone who can't be
  there for me at all

"You're so ugly!"
But, God made me this way.
"You're stupid!"
What if I just don't know what that field of subject is about?
"You're so thin!"
You can't control my metabolism.
"You should eat more!"
I have a restrictive food intake disorder, you just don't know it.
"You don't know how to appreciate what's in front of you!"
I do know how to appreciate it. I just...
"You're so weird!"
At least I'm not crazy.
"No one will ever love you!"
Well, someone from above loves me unconditionally.
"You're so disrespectful!"
You don't even know how to respect me, right?
"You're so ungrateful!"
I.. I just don't know how to express my feelings at times.
"I hate you!! Go away!"
Okay then...

All the hate, all the pain!
I can hear these voices in my head again!
Will never stop pouring down for it is an endless pouring rain.
I can feel myself becoming like one of the madmen
Hey! Can you hear me?!
I'm slowly becoming transparent!
A person who you can never see,
Because you dismiss me as absent.
I need your love! I need a hug!
Please, notice me for once!
You're my only antidepressant drug!
For I am always in the permanent state of abeyance!
The burdens that I carry, you can never understand!
Sometimes a new problem may grow out of nowhere!
I don't even always have a helping hand!
And, my body starts to grow even colder...
You know how a static sounds so eerie, right?
How it can be somewhat emotional and scary at the same time.
The way it sound to your ears at night,
Will be the sound that you hear when you've seen me commit a crime.

The crime of locking myself away from you because you never seemed to care about me anymore.

as i play these notes
the melody that i am playing
cannot be heard
for i cannot feel the piano connect with me

the world is black and white
just like piano keys and music sheets
happiness can no longer be found
for you faded away

the violin that you loved so
leans against the wall
gathering dust bunnies
waiting for you to play it again

where have you gone?
what i had in my heart was you
the inspiration to keep playing
the music that i once heard before

under the cherry blossoms
we made an agreement
but yet you slowly disappeared
and created your lie in april

when i look at you
all the pain, worries and problems
slip away from me and
i can only feel your comfort and touch
i love it when you hold me close to you
because i feel so safe in your arms
as if you are protecting me from preying hands
you vowed to protect me
and you really did

remember the time when it started raining all of a sudden?
neither of us had an umbrella
but we didn't care
we just stayed close to each other and laughed about how crazy it was
being alone together in this rain
then i got cold
you smiled, took off your jacket and put it over me
i smiled sheepishly as my way to say thanks
for your orbs were looking right at me
and that's how i knew that you were in love with me

this connection that i am feeling
is it really meant to be?
are we really connected by the string of fate for us to be by each other's side?
the string may twist and tangle but it will never break
but, i feel so selfish as i think about this
'One, four, three,' you told me one time with a wink and a tinge of red on your cheeks
but, i tried to keep telling myself that the proof is all there
the proof was your words

Scared of my own past
  Now I can't really look back
  Memories were bad
Don't remind me now
  For I have decided that
  I should look forward

I am rejected by society
I am out of place when I am near people
I am called ugly by others
I am called weird by people who don't know me
I am called useless, worthless, a speck of dust lying on the floor, waiting to be thrown from garbage can to garbage can
Reality is now slipping from my fingers like a picture that is made of smoke
How should I last when my body is so weak that I may crumble away?

In the rain of my own tears I always go through
Without any umbrella or rain coat
I don't even know why I am still alive
Problem after problem, the pain never goes away
How do I even last through this awful storm?
Yet, it never floods, the rain just keeps pouring down
Down and right into my very soul
My soul that has been fed up for too long
Can no longer hold the sadness and pain that I've been hiding
My smiles are just fake, you see
I always wear a mask with a bright smile painted onto it
But, behind the mask, my cheeks are always wet because of the never-ending flow of my tears

People always ask me why I seem so sad when I am quiet
It's funny, really, on how you guys don't even know even if the answer is right there
The tears forming in my eyes, is the answer
No, they are not tears of joy, you idiot
Are you that stupid like an early human being from long ago?
Look at me. Crying right in front of your eyes yet you can't even sense it!
I am slipping quietly into the hole of eternal darkness
No, not eternal darkness, but oblivion

The reason why I am always feeling like this behind the mask that I wear
Is because you people told me that I cannot be more
How insenstive you creatures are!
Just because you are popular doesn't mean that you can bully right away
Just because you are older doesn't mean that you have the right to say that to me
You are starting to make me feel like a canvas waiting for its painter to paint life and color in to me
I feel so blank
I feel so ******
I feel so sad
Everything that I'm seeing right now is starting to turn grey, black and white
The colors of sadness, I call them
Because I am a book that is full of unnecessary writings that covers the content of my life
I am now called 'untitled'
For people didn't know which insult to go by me whenever I pass them at the corridors

as small as i am to the world
i thought that the stars above me
saw me as a petty person as well
yet something inside me told me, "no"
these twinkling lights
that are not really in the color of white
reminded me to keep shining brightly

then i wished to be among the stars
to soar above the sky
to be with them as i wished
that gravity will reverse
so that i may touch the sky
don't forget the oxygen too
so that i may live to see the stars up close, with my very eyes

yet, the stars are only ***** of fire that have died a million years
as people say that those how my dreams and ambitions look like
from shades of orange to blue they are colored
yet i still wish to see them
they are dead like your dreams. someone once told me
how can you say that to a kid like me?

even if they are non-living things
they soothe me in the midst of the equilibrium of darkness
they are here for me
to lift up my mood, it is what the stars can do
yet i stand on the ground
looking up desperately while reaching to the sky
what is it that i can do to make me fly?

i sigh, not only because i know that i can't literally fly
but because i didn't know any other way to do so
then the sole of my shoes crunch beneath the ground
i felt myself walking towards my home
before i went it, i looked up to the sky
i breathe in and out before whispering to it
*i want to be the first to soar among you freely

My imagination always running
Yet can never be put on paper
Where have my ideas gone?
Where has my inspiration disappeared?
It feels like my mind is just a static
Quiet, awkward, eerie
I can grab a pen
Yet I can never write down the words that I want
I am not an artist
Nor am I a person to even write down this poem
What does one look for in a work of art anyway?

Am I just putting myself down?
Or am I just really not meant to be a writer?
My blank mind
My blank papers
Scattered
All over
My bedroom
My trash is, piling up with drafts
Scribble, scribble
Then throw
What a waste, what am I doing?
Should I still use this talent of mine?
Or do I just think that it's a talent?

I feel like 'The Thinker'
Always indecisive
Always hesitant
Always...thinking
Never...doing
I look at the people around me
And see that they are better than me
My world slowly turning black and white
Like the color of the music sheet and piano keys
Yet, why do I always bring myself down?
I will never know the answer of my very own question

I'm still here
Thinking, thinking, thinking
I want an idea to hit me like a storm
Yet my brain doesn't seem to work
A static it truly is, my brain
In my bedroom you will see
My blank mind yet full of imagination
Scattered along with blank papers

What happens in a year
May quite be so queer
Yet the events that I can't forget
Are in the colors of a painting palette

Yet there is this person who never
Managed to at least get mad at me, like ever
A person older than me
Who now made it easy for me to see

To see the things people never thought about life
Yet the attitude he always displays is always blithe
He is a master of mine who thought me many
So that I may overcome any

Here I am grieving for him to stay only now
As I silently curse myself while I beg as I bow
Please remain here with me
Because with you, I feel so free

But yet you want to leave to let yourself fly
So... Here is my hello and my goodbye...
I will miss you so
Please take care of yourself so you may not go down low