Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Em Jan 2016
Every single time. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up, not to get attached. And every time, I fail anyway. I'm a lover, a fighter, a thinker, a survivor. I don't know what it is. I don't know why being distant is so difficult. I trust no one. I refuse to love. I won't be anything but loyal. I push people away. And I do it on purpose. At least then, I'll know who to blame.
Every time I tell myself: "no, you have too much to lose" "no, he doesn't mean it" "no, you aren't still in love" "no, you aren't going to fall". I'll always prove myself wrong, which in turn, proves my doubts right.

I don't want to be a back up plan, a second choice, an option. I want to be the one and only one on your mind. I want to be a priority. I want to feel loved, know I'm loved. I want loyalty, honesty, integrity.

Yet, every time. I settle.
Written 1.27.16
Em Aug 2015
I deleted your number the other day. It occurred to me after you forgot my birthday that you really had forgotten about me. You've been a complete **** to me for the past six years, I'm just now coming to get the fact that you were no good for me. So, I deleted your number, as if that mere act would delete you from my memory. I don't know what we had, maybe contains no definition. But I felt something when I was with you and I just can't take it anymore.  You've moved on, and so should I. I began, by deleting your number.
Written 8.20.15

It's time I move on.
idk
Em Jan 2015
idk
Why am I doing this to myself?
This is exactly what I let myself go through two years ago.
I literally spend all day being angry at you but as soon as I see a message from you I seem to forget it.
Why?
What is it about you that makes me feel so invincible?
What makes me think that any part of what you say is true and that you won't just leave when you're through with me just like every other person before you.
How can I even begin to think that this is different?
I can't stop myself from falling.
I've ignored all of the red flags, passed all of the danger signs.
It's as if I'm coming up to a cliff and can't help but peek over.
I know that you're coming from behind just to push me over.
You won't fall with me.
We won't land together.
I'll eventually realize I'm falling by myself, and when I reach the bottom I'll be the only one there to pick up the pieces.
written 1.3.15
idk
Em May 2014
idk
Even I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I'm feeling everything in the world rest upon my shoulders, slowly pushing me into the ground. Every thought that could have crossed my mind, has. I wouldn't even know where to begin..
Written 4.7.14
Em Aug 2015
You caught me off guard.
You threw me for a loop.
I've been left confused, speachless, and breathless.
You think you love me.
You say you have these "feelings for me".
What does any of that even mean?
I have to believe that it was all stemmed from the intoxication.
A mere drunken moment.
You can't love me.
You don't even know me.
Maybe, you love the idea of me.

****. I wish you wouldn't have said that.
Now I'll just be waiting for you to leave just like everyone else.
I'll go on automatic self-destruct.
I'm like a time bomb.
It's likes personal bet to see how fast I can make you leave.

Why won't I just let myself be happy for once?
Written 8.30.15
Em Jul 2014
I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting you. Nothing anyone can do or say can fill this hole you've left. It's like I'm walking around with only one leg, one arm, one eye, one lung, one half of my heart. I don't know how to fix it, to fill it. I want to be able to make it through the day without being reminded of what I should have said, could have done, might have had... You were all I wanted, all I want. Nothing really has changed except now you're there, I'm here. You still don't notice me, see me. You're still content with not letting anyone in. You still don't see that I see through the ******* you hand out, I see what's really going on. But, you don't know that, you can't realize that. For some reason.. I still want you. I still want you even though you ignore me. I still want you even though you talk to other women. I still want you even if you don't want me. And I hate myself for it. Why can't I just let it go, let you go? I'm tired of thinking about you, your sister, your family. I'm tired of having your face pop up in my head thinking I'll see you when I turn the corner. I'm tired of not ever being able to escape you. I'm just tired of it all. I want to know if it ever ends, if I ever stop feeling like I'm drowning. Like I'm buried deep in regrets. I wonder if I ever get a chance to live again...
Written 7.26.14
Em Jun 2014
I'm starting to realize that maybe I never did love him.
Maybe people are right, maybe I was simply in love with the idea of him.
Maybe all I wanted was for some to love me,
Someone to care,
Someone like him.
His smile, his sense of humor, his attention, his whit;
all were things I couldn't get enough of.
He was never my best friend,
or closest confidant.
Lately it seemed as if I knew nothing about him.
I've watched him grow-up and mature, but still I don't know him.
That's my fault really.
I can't blame him for just not sharing his live story with me;
Because, he probably doesn't know much about me either..
How can I be in love with someone I never really knew?
Yes, I knew he loved baseball,
Blondes and blue eyes,
Any and ALL food,
He wished he was black or Mexican,
And he likes to think because he was born in the South that he's Southern.
But I don't know anything about his life.
How he personally is doing.
Who am I trying to kid, saying I'm in love with him?
It's ridiculous.
I love him, yes.
I care about him, yes.
But, I'm not IN love with him...


At least I wish I wasn't..
Written 6.18.14
Em Oct 2013
I don't know how to react.
I'm still at a loss for words.
None of this feels real.
I wish I could take it all back.
Meeting you,
Befriending you,
Fighting with you,
Making memories with you,
Loving you,
Remembering you.
I just want to get rid of it all.
Even the thought of you kills me inside.
I can't take it anymore.
To you, I'll forever be a childhood memory.
While to me, you've always been more like a dream.
If only,
This once, it could have become reality.
I want to take it all back.
I fell,
Quickly,
Foolishly,
Madly,
in love with you.
I must have known you could never love me too.
I suppose all I could hope for was the slight chance you might see things differently.
I mean,
Who was there for you when you had no one?
Who always had your back?
Who knows exactly what you're going to say, before you even speak?
Who knows you better than you know yourself?
Me.
I do.
I did.
But I guess none of that matters, because I'm no one to you.
Not now, not ever.
Em Nov 2015
I just hope it was all worth it to him.
I hope he loved me as much as he said he did and that it tears him up inside.
I hope he bought that ring.
And I pray that every morning he wakes up and looks at it and thinks about what great lengths he went to in order to convince me he wanted nothing to do with me.
I hope he realizes what he just lost, what he just pushed away.
I hope one day he wakes up longing to hear my voice or to feel my kiss, and he remembers why he wanted me gone.
I hope it kills him inside.
I hope the *** was worth it.
I hope the time, the love, the money.
I hope it was all worth it to him.
Written 11.15.15
Em Nov 2015
Well it's over. It's done.
I have given every piece of myself to you.
You have won.
Everything I have, is yours.
I feel vulnerable. Naked. Exposed.
I have nothing kept for myself.
Nothing left to hold onto.
I've been happy about that decision until now.
Now all I can thing is how badly this will hurt me if you chance your mind.
God, I hope you're not just using me to fufill your momentary desires.
I hope that you don't wake up one morning and decide you've had enough.

Because it'll **** me.

All my cards are in your hands, play responsibly.
Written 10.18.15
Em Mar 2013
I can't do this anymore.
I just can't see how it's worth it.
Why should I keep trying if it's obviously over?
You don't care.
It's obvious enough.
Come out and say it.
I'm tired of being hurt.
I'm tired of being broken.
Telling me 'I love you', means nothing if your actions show otherwise.
I just can't do it.
I'm done with this, with you.
Just tell me I'm wrong..
Written on 3.15.13
Em Mar 2013
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
I'm so confused about...everything.
I feel so alone through…everything.
No one gets what's happening.
No one understands how I'm feeling.
I just wish you could see.
I just wish you could let me be.
Face it, You don't understand me.
Admit it, You don't listen to me.
Live with it, You don't even know me.
Em Nov 2015
i don't know if I have ever in my life wanted to be more wrong. Typically, when it comes to matters of this nature, it's not a matter of IF someone will leave, but WHEN.

Everyone always leaves.

They all promise they won't.
They say that they will stay forever.
They talk about a future. A life.

But it's all talk. They all leave.

As soon as they sense you letting your guard down, becoming attached, believing them... That's when it happens...

That's when they run..

It's inevitable.
It happens time and time again.
Written 10.15.15
Em May 2015
You really want to know what happened to me? What broke me?

I fell in love with my best friend.

I fell in love with him,
and despite the ample opportunities to tell him...
I was never brave enough.

His actions and words both showed me that he didn't see me that way
so I got scared.

He moved 1,490 miles away and I was too scared
to tell him how deeply that I loved him.

Him leaving left me with a void that I have been trying to fill since.
I eagerly tried replacing him and the emotion he gave me.

But no one has stuck around long enough to let me.

I had plenty of moments where I thought
"this could be it, I'm happy".

Happiness fades.

People stop putting in effort.
Nothing lasts forever.

So what happened to me?
I loved.
I trusted.
I lived.

So if I'm distant, pessimistic, cold-hearted, or lifeless..
there's a reason.

Stick around, you might see.
Written 5.12.15
Em May 2014
I'm angry. I'm angry at my parents for lying to me about love; and not encouraging me to take a risk for you. I'm angry because I believed after sixteen years we would have developed some type of.. friendship. I'm angry because  I thought all those things you did and said meant something to you: more than words. Because, I thought I meant something to you.. I'm angry because I feel for you and you weren't there to catch me. Because I keep falling; everyday. I'm angry at you because you don't seem to see me. I don't make a difference. Most of all, I'm angry at God for taking you away from me. It feels like life has just stopped since you left. Everything has hit the breaks... and I crashed. I'm angry because despite the distance, the lies, the brokenness, I still love you..
Written 3.20.14
Em Mar 2013
I think this time I'm really gonna do it.
I think this time I'm really done.
Done wasting my time on you when you couldn't give a crap.
Done remembering what we used to be when you're so over that.
I need to move past you and you're beautiful eyes,
Charming smile,
Attractive talents,
Lovely personality.
I need to march right past it.
Because you've obviously forgotten all about me.
But most of all, I'm done thinking I ever meant anything to you.
I just want to know...
Why?
Em Aug 2015
I'm  getting there. I'm getting to my happy place again. You're still always on my mind, but it's beginning to hurt less. It doesn't feel like there's a gaping hole in me, my chest, my life. It doesn't feel as bad as it used to you anymore when someone brings you up, when something reminds me of you or when I have to go to sleep without you by my side. Life is beginning to go back to the way it was before you ****** around with it .  It's finally as if you were always a distant memory. Soon you'll fade completely. I won't be constantly wagering the "what if's" and "whys" for they will no longer matter. I will simply be focused on the present, for it is a gift I have yet to open .
Written 8.10.15
Em Jul 2013
Why do I have to fall so hard,
and crash so easily?
Can't I see that there is no one there to catch me?
Why am I so blind when it comes to love?
Why do I have to be so naive?
Cant I see people for what they actually are,
for what they actually do.
Constantly seeing the good in people tends to always leave me broken,
Hurt,
Alone.
Because in all honestly, no one cares.
No one is there.
I have to find a way to make it on my own.
Survive all alone.
It's a big world out there.
It's about time someone showed they cared.
Written on 6.28.13
Em Sep 2013
I'm sorry I'm not alright.
I'm sorry I can't fix me.
I'm sorry you don't care.
Please stop pretending everything is fine, when it's not.
Its not your fault you're never around.
It's my fault for thinking you would be.
I'm sorry I'm not your perfect girl.
I'm sorry I can't do anything right.
I'm sorry I love you.
I'm never gonna have all the answers.
I'm never going to forget about these years.
I'm always going to be broken.
I'm sorry you don't know what you're missing.
I'm sorry I care.
I'm not perfect.
Good luck finding someone who is.
Written on 8.14.13
Em Nov 2015
God, I'm so stupid.
Why did I let my guard down?
Why did I believe you?

You made me feel safe, that's why.
I thought you loved me, maybe that's why.

Love.

I doubt you even know the meaning.

I could have had anyone,
and I chose you.
I picked you.
I wanted you.
I trusted you.

I loved you.

I looked past the warnings of my family, of my friends, and of my own fears.

And I chose you.

I realize that you will never own up to what you did.
You'll never admit your lies,
or that I was just a pawn,
in some twisted game of yours.

I know I'll never get answers from you.

But if I did, why would I believe you then?

You're a liar and a thief.
You stole something that was never intended for you.

Something I can't get back.

I hope you got what you came for,
because it obviously wasn't me.
Written 11.29.15
Em Sep 2013
I guess I'm too ******* up for you.
I'm not 'normal' enough.
I'd be the first to admit I have a shitload of problems.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I'm not good enough for crap.
I'm way to nice to people who don't deserve it.
I'm tired of being walked on.
I'm tired of apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.
I'd hate to bother you.
I'm always here for you, but where are you when I need you?
I should stop expecting you to show up.
You don't care.
But did you ever?
I'm' tired of pretending everything is fine.
Cause it's not.
Written on 8.12.13
Em Sep 2013
I guess I'm too ******* up for you.
I'm not 'normal' enough.
I'd be the first to admit I have a shitload of problems.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I'm not good enough for crap.
I'm way to nice to people who don't deserve it.
I'm tired of being walked on.
I'm tired of apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.
I'd hate to bother you.
I'm always here for you, but where are you when I need you?
I should stop expecting you to show up.
You don't care.
But did you ever?
I'm' tired of pretending everything is fine.
Cause it's not.
Written on 8.12.13
Em Sep 2014
I need a distraction.
Something, anything to get my mind off of this.
To refocus me.
I need something new, fresh, a clean slate.
I need simple,
Anything but this.
Written 9/16/14
Em May 2015
I never really imagined what an impact you would have on my life. Of course, I knew that you had to have some sort of impact seeing as we spent so much time together, but.. for some reason i always thought it would be positive and not negative.

You ****** me up completely.

You distorted my views on love without ever loving me. I loved you with all that I had, and you couldn't make up your mind about what you wanted: me or someone else. You couldn't decide if I was worth it. If I was worth your time, your feelings, your affection. You constantly flip-flopped in what I meant to you.

You made me feel worthless and worth it all, all at the some time.

Maybe you simply didn't know what you wanted. Maybe you were just too young, too naive to know.

But I knew. I knew then and  I sure as hell know now.

Perhaps it wasn't all bad, because now I know what I deserve. Despite walking through hell for you, you showed me that I deserve the world.

No one is ever for sure when it comes to love, but I know without a doubt that I would have gone anywhere to be with you. Maybe - hopefully - one day those feelings will fade.

I pray that one day I forget all about you.
Written 4.23.15
Em Nov 2015
I'm sitting here heartbroken over a man who didn't know me, while I try to forget the only one who ever really did.
Em Sep 2016
And suddenly, the druggie became the drug.
Written 9.9.16

You were the only drug I needed.
Em Aug 2014
So this is what it's like to wake up invisible to the world. Irrelevant to life. This is what it feels like to not have one single soul care to see whether you are dead or alive. This, is what it is like. Ya know, some things are just how we'd expect them to be. It feels empty. It feels like I'm numb to everything, nothing could take away this feeling. People don't see that you are sad, depressed, alone. You could say those exact words to their faces and they still wouldn't get the picture. Maybe they're oblivious to what's starring them in the face. Maybe they do see you, they do see what you're going through, what you're saying.. They just don't know what to do about it. They don't want to cause more harm than good. They want to help, but they don't now how. Maybe.. Right? There's hope, they say...a chance. But who really believes in chances..
Written 7.29.14
Em Jan 2015
What is like to be wanted? To be craved in every aspect? To have some one who simply longs to be in your company? This is a feeling that I am unaccustomed too. I would not know it if I was feeling it; however, I am certain that I want it. I want it for you, for me, for us. I want you to crave me like that. To simply desire me to be with you. My touch, sent, laughter, warmth, voice, my everything. Want me like I want you. Surely, that is all I want.
Written 1.1.15
Em Sep 2013
You're not going to see me broken.
I'm not going to make that mistake again.
You take, and take, and take.
But you never give.
I won't be seen as weak.
You're not going to see me cry.
I let my guard down before,
You broke down my walls.
But you never planned on sticking around.
You never thought it would come this far.
I'm not what you expected.
I'm not what you wanted.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I wish I was better, for your sake.
Because despite all the damage you've done,
I still love you.
Written on 8.28.13
Em Apr 2016
It burned, but the sting of the ***** burning her throat felt better than the burning realization that she meant nothing to the boy she loved.

Nostalgia kicked in. She wanted to feel wanted. So for the night, she drunkenly cling to the closest person to her. Hoping, praying, longing that for the night she could feel again. Love, lust, hope, faith: anything.

She knew she didn't want to, but she forced herself to anyway.
She knew he was no different, but she let his spineless words spark a hope.
She knew the feeling wouldn't last, but she closed her eyes and relieved the memories it resurfaced.
She knew it wasn't love, but she uttered the words right back to him, regardless.

In his arms, she lay. His voice formed words for hours, but she wasn't quite sure of what he was saying. She laughed when it felt right, but as of then, nothing felt right.

The sun began to peak through the shade, and the girl was unaware of with whom she lay. The memories of his name and his touch, his voice had left with the night.

Quietly she rose quietly out of bed, hoping not to wake him so he couldn't **** anymore with her head.

She stumbled to get dressed and drowsily he spoke "where you going babe" and silently she shuddered.

She uttered words that could be understood and abruptly ran out of the house. She left everything she could trying to escape the confrontation.
Instead she was confronted with her loneliness and deep dark depression.
Written 4.29.16
Em Aug 2014
I don't want to continue simply sleepwalking through life. When you left last year, it threw me for a loop. I was completely blindsided. Never in a million years did I think my life would change so dramatically, so quickly, so out of my control. One day I was simply sitting there getting high off of you, and next thing I knew, I was numb from the shock of you leaving. Just like that. It was unexpected, unprovoked, I had no way if knowing.. no warning. I miss you everyday. All the places we used to go feels like I'm walking through a nightmare. You were my backbone, my cornerstone. You were the one thing that kept me going. When I lost you, I lost myself. I lost my direction, my motivation, my drive to be better. I forgot what this life was all about. I tried to play it cool, pretend that I was alright. But even the sound of your name brought me to tears. It's been 10 months and 9 days. I still miss you. I don't remember when I cried last. They tell me it'll stop all together soon. I can't help but wonder if you miss me, us. If you sit in bed and cry at night because you can't see me, hold me, remind me that you love me.. I wonder if I even cross your mind at all. I wonder if you'll ever fade from my memory, and if I'm already gone from yours. If you realized what you meant to me or if I should have been more bold in telling you. You are my late night thoughts. My early morning thoughts. My mid-day thoughts. You are constantly on my mind. Until that changes, I don't see how I could simply stop sleepwalking through life.
Written 8/29/14
Em Aug 2015
we're afraid to let people in because we've been hurt before and we've been hurt before because we let people in
maybe none of its real

Written 8.4.15
Em May 2015
I have this innate ability to see people for what they really are and continue to believe that they will or can change for the better. This only ***** me over. I know that no one is perfect and we all mess up, but I just want to believe that deep down, our intentions are pure
                                                            ­                                        and they're not
Em Dec 2014
I was sure that my life would end if ever you left.
I never had to function without you. The thought of it even blew me away.
Yet here I am.
I'm alive and you're gone.
The truth of the matter is that the gut wrenching, tear jerking, sobbing yourself to sleep, life threatening moments only show you where you've been, and the possibilities of where you can go.
Life didn't end for me there, because in reality, life doesn't end until you're dead.
Written 11.30.14
Em Oct 2013
So you're afraid to let me love you, because you don't want me to hurt you?
Me?
Hurt you?
I couldn't.
I couldn't even if I wanted to.
You mean to much to me for me to risk losing you.
And whether you like it or not, I already love you.
I think you're just afraid to love.
Whether or not I hold your heart is your choice.
However,
You've been holding mine for quite some time.
Em Jan 2016
He loved her.
He said he loved her.
With courage he said the words; but with fear she turned away.
Fear, crippling fear.
The fear of being right,
of failure,
of pain.
He loved her,
but she knew it wasn't true.
He loved the idea of her.
He loved having someone to love.
He was addicted to the high he felt when having someone to care for.
It wasn't her.
It was never her.
She knows nothing of love, of life...
yet she knew enough to know:
he didn't love her.
Written 1.27.16
Em Sep 2015
Once upon a time, we gave each other the title "best friend".
To me, it meant so much more than it did to you.
It meant acceptance, openness, honesty, love.
To you, it was just a title.
You told me once that we would always be best friends,
That nothing would ever change that.
I was ignorant enough to believe you.
Even after you played games with my heart and mind,
I still believed you.
Perhaps, it was stupidity at it's finest.

They say your first love isn't necessarily
The person who shares your first kiss,
Or the person you marry.
It's the one you compare everyone too.

You are my first love, though, you never even loved me.

You put me though so much unnecessary ****,
And every time,
I continued to run back to you.
Because you were my best friend.

You will probably never understand the depths of my love for you.
But it's okay, because I don't either.

I just wish you knew that I choose you every time.

I've cut off all possible traces that could lead me back to you;
Because it's not worth it anymore.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of being taken for granted.
I'm tired of you getting the final say.

Wanna know what I say?
                     *******.
Written 09.24.15
Em Nov 2015
At this point, I don't even care that it's over.
I know it had to end.
What I don't understand is how you could lie to me.
How you could sit there and tell me that there was no one else.
How you could say that you loved me, when you really didn't care.
I don't get how those words were just words for you.

But maybe, since you've repeated them to - only God knows how many - different faces, those words, that I held close, lost all meaning to you.

I don't want to be another girl that you loved.
I don't want to be another girl you cared for.

Real or not, I don't want to be that girl.

Maybe the lies became too much for you to keep up with. Maybe you honestly realized I deserved more.

I refuse to believe that it was all a lie, but I can't distinguish between fact and facade with you.

I think it was like I said in the beginning: you loved the idea of me.
Written 11.30.15
Em Nov 2015
I've forgotten how to breathe without you. Every breath is shallow and new. It feels like winter is surrounding me. The cold, the crass, the confusion. With every breath, I exhale your memory. Your touch, your smell, your kiss, your smile.

What a contagious smile.
What I would give to see it overcome your face, one more time.

I've forgotten how to sleep without you. I close my eyes and you are all that I see. It used to be that thinking of you, remembering you, was the only way I would fall asleep. I used to think about the first day I met you. The moment our eyes met for the first time. How as we walked, I tried walking as close to you as I could, without making you feel uncomfortable, because I longed for the moments when your skin would brush across mine. I use to think about how it felt when you would come up behind me and hold me for a minute, every time you thought I was asleep. But now, every time I close my eyes I see you. I see what we had. What we lost. I don't know how to sleep without you.

I have forgotten how to live without you. I did it for 18 years before you, but in the short time we spent together, you have made me forget. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't go anywhere or do anything. I feel so lost, broken, confused, dead.

I have forgotten how to exsist in a world where you do not.

But have no fear, do not worry.
You will never be forgotten.
Written 11.17.15

Have you forgotten too?
Em Nov 2015
You don't understand. Or maybe you do.
Everything you say, I've heard before. I've been told "I love you", and then he left me.
I've been told "I need you", and he survived without me.
I've been told "I want to spend my life with you", and he walked away.
I've been told "I'm always here for you" and he got annoyed.
I've been told "I'm proud of you", and she hit me.
So I'm sorry if you can't understand why am scared.
But if I fall one more time, I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up again.
I fall hard. I fall fast fast. My love is deep.
But after hearing the same **** over and over again, it loses its meaning.
I can't help what I feel.
I can't stop my fear.
Written 10.7.15
Em Feb 2016
My soul has been sad for far too long.
I want to be joyful again.
I want the still, small, quiet moments to not be filled with anyones memory.

My soul aches and my body is tired.

I wish I never learned the truth about you, at least then I could go to sleep with the perfect image I had of you in my head.
But you distorted it.
My eyes were opened.
I was forced to see the truth.
It wasn't because of what you thought was best for me.
It wasn't romantic, selfless, valiant, or brave.
It was selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, lustful and painful.
Nothing will change that.

But I'm a lover.
I don't love many,
but the ones I do,
I always will.

I love deeply, courageously, boldly, widely, and freely.

I just need to let go of your memory,
so that my soul can be happy again.
Written 2.6.16
Em Nov 2016
You don't get it, do you? I would drop anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace for you. You're my person and it's cliche but I literally feel like part of me is missing because you're not here. You said I was your backbone and you don't know how badly it kills me that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one you come home to after a long day. I told you at the beginning, I'm ride or die. I see us going places. I see us being the best versions of ourselves with each other. I understand mistakes happen, I understand people get hurt, I understand our situation is ****** up. But I loved you. I love you. A piece of me is always going to love you. None of this was a game to me. None of it was a waste of my time. You mean the absolute world to me; and I think that's why this is so ******* hard. I want you. I want things with you. I want you in my life ten years from now. I want you waking up next to me every morning. I just remember California. How for a few days, you were mine and only mine. All of your attention and affection was on me. How perfect everything was. How it was you and me, against the world. I want that. I want that everyday. I want it to be like that everyday for us. I want us to grow together, to make new discoveries and go on new adventures. I want to enjoy my life with you next to me. I want to be your person as much as you are mine. I want to be your go to gal. I want to be everything you've always wanted. I want to be enough for you. I want to be with you in your darkest moments at two in the morning when you don't know what to do, you don't see the purpose in anything and I want to be with you on the brightest of days when you're high off of nothing but life. I want that so badly.  But I'm not going to compete for your attention, affection, loyalty, honesty. I refuse to compete with anyone else for your love. I'm not going to beg you to change your mindset or to finally take action for your own interest, in the interest of us. I want you to want me as much and as purely as I want you. That's why I can't fight for you. I can't beg you. I can't compete for you. Because those are things I would never want to see you do for me. I know what you're capable of giving me. I know how you're capable of treating me which is why it hurts so badly to see you not up to par. You said I was the only one who's been there for you lately, and as badly as I'm hurting right now, that isn't ever going to change. I always told you that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. And I've been sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out how to even say goodbye to you. Because it isn't something I want to do or ever saw myself doing. You keep telling me I should do what I want, make decisions based on what I want, but what if what I want doesn't want me? What then? I don't want to say goodbyes because goodbyes are forever I couldn't go that long without you. I don't think I ever thought it would be like this. Loving someone who doesn't know how to love me. At least not in the same way. You may not realize it now, but I promise you you'll think back and remember me. Remember us. And I'll be the one that got away, I promise you that. I wish I could say that I am willing to wait for you to want me as much as I do you. I wish I could say I'd be here when you got your **** settled and remember what it was like to have me. But I can't.. it isn't something my heart would be able to handle. My heart aches without you. There's a literal pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm drained, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've played it over and over in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Where I went wrong. Where i could have set myself up for this. Trying to figure out why. But I can't. None of it makes any sense. I don't see how I went from loving you to losing you in a matter of hours. Everyone is telling me I'm crazy for still wanting you. For not wanting to walk away. They all try to convince me none of it was real for you, that it was all a game for you, that you never cared, you never loved me. And honestly, I hear them. I understand why they say that. I understand why they say "if he cared about you even slightly he wouldn't have done this to you". I get it. I do. But they can't convince me. I know you. I know who you really are. I know this wasn't who you truly are. I know you are so much better than that. Maybe one of these days you'll try to convince me it was all fake so I'll walk away. So I'll find "someone better" but I don't want better. I want you. I want you at your best, and I want you at your worst. I want you.


I wish that one day after you have everything settled, with your job with your daughter with her, and you find your heart aching for something you loved and lost... I wish that we could start over on a clean slate. I wish that then you would love me like you always said you did. I wish that that time I wouldn't be taken for granted. I wish that then, it would turn into something real. And I'll hold onto that hope, as foolish as it is. All I can do is hope.


I love you. I love you more than words can express. If nothing else comes from you and I at least I can rest at night knowing that you now know what it's like to be loved. And I mean really loved uncontrollably, unconditionally, passionately. Don't ever forget what that's like. And don't you ever say you don't deserve the kind of love I gave you. Don't you ever say it's too good for you. You deserve the world, and nothing less. Keep your standards high my love.
11.17.15
Em Aug 2015
They say it will all fade: the sound of your voice, the warmth of your embrace, look in your eye when you are genuinely happy, these feelings I have for you. They say it will all become a distant memory. A thing of the past. I just, I just don't know if I'm ready to forget you.  I find myself holding on for dear life. But is it worth it? Is remembering you worth knowing that you forgotten me?
I've tried to forget you.
Believe me,
I've tried… I just can't yet.
I can't move on.
I can't be me without you.
I can't breathe without you.
I guess I'm just stuck.
Written 8.29.15
Em Sep 2016
I'm not insecure. I'm jealous and unrightfully so. You're not mine.  I'm jealous of anyone who catches your eye, I'm jealous of anyone who snags your attention. I'm jealous of the ones who take your time. I'm insanely jealous of anyone who makes you smile, feel, live more than I do. I have 41 days, 16 hours and approximately 32 minutes left here. I completely understand that you would not want to commit to that, to me when I will be 800 miles away. But I'm still here for now. I'm here now. Make these moments count. These should be what matter. Don't be scared, because you know I'm going to leave please. I just want to love you deeper than anyone else has, or will. Why can't you let me?
Written 9.17.16
Em Apr 2016
I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.
There is nothing left for me to do that I haven't already done.

You know what you did.
You broke me, us.
Then you handed me the blame.
Convinced me that it was entirely my fault somehow.
I gave you honesty,
Loyalty,
Time,
Trust,
Money,
Heart,
Soul,
And body.

Eveything that I was capable of giving you, was in your hands.

You never loved me.

You never cared about me.

It was all a game to you.
I couldn't see your game plan,
you were always two moves ahead.

Planning and scheming how to get my
Attention,
Trust,
Affection,
Love,
Heart.

Well darling, you had it all.
It wasn't good enough for you.
For you it's the chase, the thrill of it.
My problem was that I loved you too much.
More than you were capable of returning.
You don't always win at this game.
Time will show you, dear.
You will see.
written in the midst of a heartbreak from a boy who didn't have one
Em Jul 2013
I should've seen it.
I'm just so naive.
How could I have thought you were ever into me?
I guess I wanted to believe...
Believe that fairy tales are real,
That magic does exist,
That you meant it when you said you loved me.
But I'm so sick of trying.
I'm so tired of being broken.
So done with leaving my heart on my sleeve.
Don't come crawling back to me when you realize what you're missing.
I deserve better than this.

                                               Here's one last kiss...
Written on.. 3.15.13
Em Jan 2014
It's late, or early rather. I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I can’t stop playing back memory after memory, wishing I could have, would have done something different. I miss him, like crazy. Not a day has gone by since he left that I haven’t thought about him. It’s been almost three months. Three months without seeing his face, hearing his voice, feeling his embrace… I know he had to go, I just wish… I wish I would have told him. It’s too late now. I lost my chance. I had so many opportunities. He gave me so many signs. I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep saying “it’ll get better”, and to some extent it has. But the pain is still there. There is still a dull void eating me alive.

                                     I miss him.

                                                     I love him.
                                                                 That’s all I really know.
Written 1.4.14
Em Mar 2013
I'm so confused about you.
Not sure what I should do.
You're only there half the time.
Like I'm not even worth a dime.
You keep sending me mixed signs.
Ones that don't even rhyme.
I just wanna know what you want.
What you dream.
But I'm not worth your time, I get it.
I do.
Then just stop messing around with my heart, with my mind.
Just go wast your own time.
Em Mar 2013
Let me start off by saying this...
You don't know me.
You never have, and if I have it my way, never will.
You know my name, not my story.
Quit trying to pretend like you're perfect and I'm some *******.
Before you judge me, walk a day in my shoes.
Life isn't as easy as people make it out to be.
You're what? 14? Stop trying to act like my mother.
I get enough of her as is.
I don't mind being nice to people, but if you're going to treat me like trash... **** it.
I can be one of the nicest people you'll meet, or I can be an *******.
You pick.
Em May 2014
When I was younger I always saw growing up as a fun, momentous, life changing experience. I was willing to give up anything to get here. But now, I'd give anything to go back. Growing up is overrated. People change their minds in a blink of an eye, constantly having to look over your shoulder to see who is coming at you with a knife, having to prove yourself to people who are impossible to please. It's not fun; and it's not easy. But it's life.
Written 3.21.14
Next page