When I was younger I always saw growing up as a fun, momentous, life changing experience. I was willing to give up anything to get here. But now, I'd give anything to go back. Growing up is overrated. People change their minds in a blink of an eye, constantly having to look over your shoulder to see who is coming at you with a knife, having to prove yourself to people who are impossible to please. It's not fun; and it's not easy. But it's life.

I loved you. Deeply, whole-heartedly, sickeningly, with every ounce of my being, with every breath I had, I loved you. I used to say that I was "in love with you". But I've come to realize that there's a difference between being in love, and loving someone with all that you have. To be in love suggests that someone is also in love with you. Unfortunately for me, that wasn't the case. I don't know what you honestly felt for me, if you felt anything. But I know what I felt. I felt alive when you looked at me. I felt a rush every time you embraced me. Whenever you would flash me your smile, I felt content. Your stare filled me with peace. When your eyes met mine, I felt secure. I just wanted to know what was going through your mind. What were your dreams, fears, dislikes? What did you love? I wanted so badly to be your backbone. With all I had, I wanted to be the one you relied on. I wanted to be the one you longed to see at the end of a rough day. Most of all, I wanted you to know how much you meant to me. I loved you, with everything I had. I loved you, with every second I breathed. I wanted to be a better person, for you. I wanted to be honest, kind, loving, gentle, respectful, respectable. I wanted to be the kind of women you could love. So maybe I wasn't "in love" with you, but I know that there isn't a single thing that I have - past or present - that I wouldn't have given up for you.

He reminded me of you. I remember his taste, it was just like yours: a perfect mix of hopelessness and pain. His careless demeanor matched yours to a t. His excuses and yours aligned perfectly. The sound of him sleeping mimicked you. I think the only difference between the two was, it wasn't just *** for him. I wasn't just a prize to be won. I wasn't a toy sitting there waiting to be claimed. He saw me as a person, or at least he made it seem like he did. If it was all an act, at least he was a better actor. I deserved better than either of you were willing to give me. He didn't rush me like you did. He at least took the time to spread out the lies, to make them believable. He reminded me of you, and that's just one more example of how I can never escape you.

One day it all just fell apart.
You were the closest thing to my heart.
We went from laughing, and talking,
to ignoring, and fighting.
I don’t know how it went down.
We slowly drifted apart.
You were the best thing that happened to me.
Now all I have is me.
I lost my best friend that day,
In the most horrible way.
Growing up shouldn’t exist,
if it means splitting, the Twins.
I miss the walks.
I miss the talks.
I miss the goofing around.
You were the one person that accepted me for me.
And not for someone else.
I miss cuddling up and watching a movie.
I miss singing in the hairbrush and being all groovy.
I miss going into your room and telling you, I couldn’t sleep.
Cause I’d know you’d stay up, even if it was just for me.
I don’t know who I’d be,
if I didn’t have you.
I don’t know what I’d do,
if I was forced to live with you.
But I’ll try to move on.
I’ll try to be strong.
I’ll try to be the best me
that I could ever be.
But I miss running up and giving you hugs.
Discussing how gross are bugs.
I miss seeing your face at the dinner table.
I miss saying “I’m sorry” for whatever did.
I guess all in all.
I just miss YOU.

I may have been drinking tonight, but it has just brought a sort of clarity. I don't let people walk in and out of my life easily. You can't have it both ways. I don't take **** from anyone, and I don't ever plan on it. You chose to walk out of my life the day you chose her. One day you'll realize how big of a mistake you made. You'll look back on the years spent with me and realize how much you lost. You'll see that everything I did, in some way I did it for you. You'll come to the realization that I loved you with every ounce of my being. No one will ever love you more than I did. You'll wonder where you went wrong, when you lost a girl like me. You'll try to come crawling back, but I don't want you anymore. Me, the girl who would have gone anywhere, done anything to be with you, is simply over it. No, I don't want you back. I don't want you to change. You missed your chance with that.

So when you realize how vast my love for you was, don't tell me. Don't remind me.

Just sulk in the what ifs and maybes, just like you made me do.

My head hurts. The only thing that reminds me that I'm alive, is a constant migraine. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I mean nothing. I am nothing. Not to you, not to anyone. I am constantly trying to fill this gaping hole that you've left me with. Constantly trying to cover up just how wrecked and damaged I am, so that people don't see it, but I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally - exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can put on this facade. I don't know how much longer I can continue to cover up your tracks. I try to fix the damage you've done, but I'm not damage control. There's too much, even for me. I don't know how much longer you're going to stay under raps. One day, everyone will see you for why you are. They'll see who you've become, and what you've done. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or the day after... But one day your secret will be out. They say there's always going to be monsters under the bed, as we get older the monsters change. I just never thought my monster would be the same person who used to tuck me in at night...

You make me happy every day,
In your own special way.
I can’t think about you without smiling,
Even if inside I am dying.
And I promise you boy. I ain’t lying.
There’s nothing I’d change about you.
Because you’re perfect the way you are.
There’s nothing I’d rather do.
Then be wherever you are.
If we ever couldn’t talk,
I wouldn’t know what to do.
I think I might just die.
If I couldn’t have you.
If there is one thing I hate that you do.
You are always making me love you.

I've spent endless days, countless hours, and numerous thought on you since you've been gone. I wouldn't even know where to start. I have been utterly speechless, breathless, emotionless. I don't know how to fix it. You are my remedy. You are the one thing that hurts, yet heals; scorns but encourages, hates although loves. You are a mystery to me. A jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. You make my darkness disappear.

I guess I didn’t read the signs.
You've got someone new on your mind.
When were you gonna tell me.
Now I've gotta let this be.
You were playin me this whole time.
I neva could get you off my mind.
I was so happy, so ready.
I don't even know what I am now.
But, I hope you're happy with this.
I hope you're ready for this.
Cause when it comes down to it.
If you're happy. I'm happy.
I'll always love you.

January: It had been three months since I saw you, spoke to you; but the pain was still there, still potent. I began numbing it with ***** and boys and anything I could to distract me from what had taken place. I didn't care about school or getting a job. I just simply wanted to forget.

February: You weren't the first thing on my mind anymore when I woke; though you always crossed it. Something always reminded me of you. A smell, a sound, a feeling. Your voice had faded and name no longer made me sick. But you were still there.

March: I slept with someone else. I finally found it in me to give myself to someone else. I just wanted there to be someone. I didn't want you to have that hold on me anymore. I went against everything I thought and believed and I slept with someone else. I wasn't in love. I wasn't even in like. It was a total stranger. Just someone who could make me feel something again.

April: I thought I was going to break when what was supposed to be our six month anniversary came about. But I didn't. I didn't even think about you. You had messaged me out of the blue, apologizing. Apologizing for everything you put me through, telling me how I didn't deserve it. It made me laugh. I knew you'd come crawling back, but I knew it wasn't genuine. You still only wanted one thing from me. I threw myself into my work.

May: I was so looking forward to graduating. To moving forward. To ridding myself of you. I met someone, someone I thought nothing of at the time. He was just another temporary boy. Little did I know I'd see him again.

June: I graduated. I was free. I felt free. So many people thought I wouldn't do it. You broke me. You broke me so badly. I was still trying to fix myself with ***** and gin. I worked, I drank, I repeated. I went out and tried new things, new people. You tried apologizing again, I laughed.

July: I met him again. He showed up and hung around. I was weary of him. I didn't trust him, because of you. I didn't want it to just repeat. I was so worried he was going to hurt me like you did. I told myself I wasn't going to date him. I wasn't going to fall for him. But the butterflies that filled me every time I saw him, thought different.

August: August was full of adventures, smiles, laughs, tears, love. I saw him everyday. I spent all of my time with him. He had my attention better than anyone else had. I was falling. Oh god was I falling.

September: The adventures continued. We went to the beach, the mountains, the lakes. Everything with him was passionate. Vivid. It's like he breathed life into my lungs. He made me feel alive. I was on top of the world with him. Loving him took courage and strength. He got it all.

October: I told him I was leaving. I was leaving what I called home. Oh I think I broke him. You should have heard the shift in his tone, how his eyes grew dimmer, the sliver of hope he had left faded away. I was leaving, but he never asked me to stay.

November: November saw a month of tears. I was gone. My love, my best friend, my soulmate was so incredibly far. Physically and emotionally. I have never felt so alone. I missed him. I wanted him. Sometimes I even think I needed him. He was everything to me. Oh how badly I wanted to come home to him. I promised him I would. He couldn't wait though, he couldn't wait for me to come back to him... so he distracted himself with her. That made me question everything.

December: Meeting him at the airport after six and a half weeks was riveting. I was a wreck. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if I couldn't look at him? What if his plans for me, us, had changed? What then? Oh, but being in his arms... I've never felt so calm. So at peace. He wiped my tears. Reassured me of my fears. I began to imagine life with him, in even greater detail than before. He paralyzes me in a way you never did. He sees the broken you left behind and holds the pieces together. He looks at the hurt you left in my eye and finds beauty in it. I swear he could see into my soul.

January: I left him again. I had to go back home. I left him. I don't feel right without him. He's my person. My best friend. My go to. Not having him here is like living without oxygen. It's impossible.

Thinking about you is exhausting. It’s overwhelming. Wondering how you are, how you've been. Having every little thing bring back a memory of you. A memory that stays in my mind for hours, days even. Thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you; all the times I needed you to be there for me, but you weren’t. Wondering if I had told you those-three simple, yet so very complicated- words, if it would have made a difference. Any at all.
                                                      If you would have stayed.
Sometimes I almost forget you left; then I remember. I make myself remember. Remember the most painful things. I don’t know why I do. It’s like every time the wound is almost healed, I cut it back open with a rusted, double edge sword; but this time
                                                                ­ slower,
                                                                ­                    deeper,
                                                                ­                                longer.
I guess the feeling of pain- of missing you- is better than feeling nothing at all.

Loving you was my biggest mistake.

One day
I'm going to meet someone,
And they are going to make me forget about every heartbreak,
Every game,
Every lie that's been said.

That somebody is going to make me forget about the boy I once loved.
The ones who come crawling back to me.
The ones I saw a future with.

I can't wait until that day comes,
Because I'm honestly so tired and I can't breathe.

My eyes are bloodshot.
My heart is cold.
Everything I feared is happening.

But one day, it'll be okay.
I'll have forgotten about you and the memories we shared.
I'll be loved, in a way no one has been able to before.
And I'll be okay.

One day.

You were the one constant thing in my life. The one thing I could count on. That summer, I knew that no matter how awful my day had been, talking to you would always make it better. I could look forward to waking up every morning, because I knew you would have already told me "Good Morning Sunshine!". I was the first person you talked to in the morning, and the last you spoke with at night. You could always tell when I was irritated, sad, or mad...no mater how hard I tried to mask it. For the first time in my life, someone cared. The thing about it was though... I cared too.

Maybe not in the beginning, but as things progressed there was an undeniable connection. Every day all I could think about was you, small little things reminded me of you. I was falling for you. I didn't know it then, but I was. You seemed perfect. All it took was one summer: Three, short, sweet months. All day, everyday, caring a conversation without getting bored or annoyed, all I felt was calm, happy, anxious for what you'd say. One summer, then it all just...stopped.

I can't pinpoint why, how, or when the exact moment was that I noticed you growing distant. It might have been because of your job, my school, a girl. Who knows? All I know is that you suddenly had no more time for me. For our late night conversations, mid-day chats, or to remind me that I was what you thought of the very first thing in the morning.

Maybe it happened slowly; perhaps it was all at once.

It's been months since we last spoke. I woke up Sunday and for some reason all I thought of was you. You, you, you, you... I did the stupidest thing too... I re-connected with you. Ugh. I shouldn't have done that. At least now, I know what to expect. It was surprising though, you sounded like.. you actually missed me. It's impossible though, I know you don't. I know you do...

It was one summer, one love, one ending.

Would someone explain to me why all the people I have ever gotten close to in my life, have managed to **** me up so badly?

Is it because they don't know what they want, so they simply send mixed signals instead?

Not often do I let people get close to me. But when I do, it always ends badly.
People leave, love, change, break.
They're indecisive, ignorant, irresponsible, irrational.
I don't think people grasp what true potential they have to eternally ***** someone else.

I dont have the strength for any more temporary *******.

Be honest, be blunt, be reckless.
But don't leave me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel like I'm just barely beginning to be able to catch my breath. Like I've been running, running for years trying to escape you and I'm finally slowing down. It's five months, on the dot; and I still have no idea what I'd say to you, if anything, giving the chance. I don't think I'll ever get bast this mile maker until I fully explain myself to you. It's the only way I'll be able to let you go. Part of me can't help but think I'm merely delusional. I have simply imagined everything we've said together, done together, been together. I made it all seem bigger that it was. I guess the only way is to tell you and see what you say.

But, we all know how soon that'll happen..

Rain.
Never ending rain.
It's cold, dark, and lonely - but I find comfort here in the rain.
You weren't my sunshine.
My bright, sunny day.
You were the rain, but I found comfort in the pain.

I'm good with words. I know how to build people up or completely break them. I've realized that people tend to take on one another's stress and worry about them or sympathize for them. That's why I don't like sharing my stress or making a big deal out of my problems. Even if it kills me, sharing is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to vent to you and unload my burden just so that now you.must carry it. It's my struggle. My burden. My life. I have no choice but to carry it. I don't want peoples sympathy. I don't want them to worry about me. I simply want them to understand what I'm going through and move on. Because, that's all I'm worth.

Baby, listen please.
I'm not in love, I'm just on drugs.

Same problem, different guy. I don't know why I'm so insecure, because I'm not. I love me, I'll own up to my faults but I'm pretty great. I just don't know  what anyone sees in me. Even if he likes me now that could all change in a matter of seconds. It has before, don't see a difference now. But say it didn't change. Say we got together and it lasted. I'm still going away to college, and then start my career soon after. Point is everything has an end. I don't want to waste my time.

I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff
   And no one's there to catch me.
      Everywhere I look you're all I see.
         I can't feel anything; nothing at all.
           Feelingless.
              Emotionless.
                 Numb.
                    You say you love me;
                        But, you don't show it.
                          You say you care;
                             But, I don't know it.
                                I could leave and no one would notice.
                                   Why do I have to feel this way?
                                       Can't I just be okay?
                                             I'm f
                                                     a
                                                        l
     ­                                                     l
          ­                                                  i
                                                              n
                                                                ­g,
                                                              ­        f
                                                       ­             a
                                                  ­                     l
                                                              ­            l
                                                   ­                         i
                                                                ­             n
                                                                ­                g,
                                              ­                                          falling fast,
                                                                ­                          falling hard.

                                                          ­                                                          
                                                                ­                                                    

                                                               ­                                                       Someone notice before it's too late.

She thought he completed her. She thought they were made for eachother.  She figured that he meant what he said when he told her she was the one for him. She believed him as the words "I love you" poured out of his mouth. She gave her heart to him with nothing in return. Little did she know that he was incapable of giving her anything back. For he gave his heart away before, and it was never returned. He now steals time, love, life, which no intention of reciprocation. His words were always empty. His soul, always blank. He broke her and wouldn't take the blame. Now she sits in silence watching life pass her by while the one who stole her heart was living an all time high.

He told me he loves me.
He said that he's in love with me.
What kind of person says that?
Less than 20 minutes before he confessed his "love" for me, he had a girlfriend. For two years.
I am so confused and lost.
You can't just say that.
You don't get to throw those words around.
But, he was brave. Courageous.
He's known me for three years and risked a rejection I wasn't even willing to face after sixteen.
To an extent, I understand...
I couldn't even express my love for you after sixteen years: drunk or sober.
****.
What have I become?
I need to realize that he isn't you.
He loves me.
That's something you never did.

I'm scared. I don't want to get close to you again just to have you leave. I can't. I've gone through so much to be at this point. A point where I'm not constantly thinking about you, day in and day out wondering if it would ever get easier, better. Yet, still praying I'd never forget you. If it took me six months to get here, how long will it take me to get back? Maybe I don't want to go back. All I really want is to stay in your arms forever. For you to hold me and never let go. Make me feel save, and know it'll all be okay in the end. Too bad we don't always get what we want. Too bad it's not up to me. I know I could make you happy.

I don't care anymore.
I'm not playing games anymore.
I finally said my goodbyes.
I looked you straight in the eyes.
I can't live life like this.
I can't pretend this is bliss.
This experience made me stronger.
Maybe I'll live a little longer.
They call it a boyfriend for a reason.
Because everything ends in a season.
Why say love if you don't mean it.
Why say trust if you can't believe it.
The experience made me stronger.
Maybe I'll live a little longer.
Nothing is ever what you expect it to be.
So why expect, just let it be.
I've been given labels that have been hard to shake.
But the worst was your girlfriend and that took time to make.
I once was your girlfriend and that's what i wanted.
But what I want now is not to be haunted.
By the memories, I've loved.
The ones I miss and the ones i hated.
And the ones I relive.
But I wouldn't give up this experience for the world. It has made me stronger.
Maybe it will help me live, a little longer.

I think it's ridiculous that after four weeks of no communication you're still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the only thing I can think about when I try to go to sleep.
I can't help be rehash old wounds, morning and night.
I just have so many questions.
There were so many things you left unanswered.
So many lies, that you claimed to be true.

I knew it was over before it even began, but that doesn't help me sleep.

Maybe things always end badly for me, because that's all I expect.
I didn't expect a happy ending.
I did't expect that you would actually be honest with me.
I didn't expect to grow so attached.
I didn't expect to be so hurt.

None of this was part of the plan.

I don't want you back, and I couldn't let you back in even if I wanted to.

I just want answers.

Was it easy to walk away?
Was I easy to fool?
Did you get what you came for?
Did you mean any of what you said?
When did I stop making you smile?
What changed?
Was any of it real?
Do you think about me?
Did I mean anything at all?

I just want answers.

I loved him.

I love him.

But in the end, I guess

He said that he wasn't good enough for me, and I think that's what set me over the top. Because all my life I have never been good enough for anyone: friends, parents, boys, anyone. And finally I had met someone who I thought didn't take me for granted. Someone who I believed loved me. I thought that he honestly believed he wasn't good enough, which in turn made him the perfect fit. But I was wrong. What he was really saying was that I didn't deserve what he was giving me. I didn't deserve being walked all over, the lies, the secrets. I think he was genuinely saying that I deserved better then what he was ever going to offer me. And after five months I still don't know what to do with that.

Why am I like this? How have I become what I once hated? There's no thrill, there isn't a rush, I'm not thriving. I don't know what to do, how to fix it. I simply feel empty, abandoned, alone. The more I pour my heart into you the more it hurts everytime you go. Maybe that's my problem: I always forget that everyone leaves. They move on to something better, happier, calmer. Something "less complicated". I don't care about it being complicated.. All I ever wanted was you. But you don't see me. To you I'm just invisible.

I told you this would happen.
I told you not to trust her.
I knew your heart would be broken in two.
But you didn't listen,
You didn't believe.
You were head over heals for her.
So you didn't even hear me.
Now I hafta see you broken.
I hafta see you bleed.
Why couldn't you have listened?
Why couldn't you have believed?
I hate to see you like this.
Why'd you have to kiss?
I always knew she was no good.
No good for you.
Why'd you have to be so naive.
Why didn't you believe.
All I want is for you to be happy.
All I want is for you to be with me.

I'm foolish.
I'm young.
I'm stupid.
I'm guilible.
I'm disappointed.
At 18 and decided to believe he loved me just because he liked saying it. I decided because he wanted to spend his life with me I should give him a shot. I decided to compromise myself for a man that was full of empty promises. I'm so disappointed in myself, because this isn't even the first time. I'm tired of hearing the right things.

I simply want to know that your intentions are pure and that you're telling me the truth.

I'm curious. How does it feel to **** up two relationships in less than two months? I bet it feels ******* fantastic. Just don't convince the next ***** that you actually love her. Give her a heads up that you're all about the *** no matter how much you say "relationships aren't about *** for me" give her a heads up for me. Let her know she doesn't mean **** to you except some nice ***** and someone to complain to. Make sure she knows that the ring you show her wasn't bought for her. Don't give her Jacks ring because that'll make her feel special. It'll make her read into it. When we both know that she isn't special. Jack gave you that ring. Stop trying to give it away. Don't tell her that she's beautiful or sing her songs. Because that'll make her think that you actually give a **** what happens to her. When you know you really could care less. Don't tell her that she calms you down or helps with your ptsd because that'll make her feel important. It'll make her feel like she means something to you. When really it's just another **** buddy that you tell "I love you" to. And for Christ's sake. Don't tell her those three words if you're not sure with all of your being that you mean it. Don't tell her that you're scared to lose her when you're gonna walk away. Don't tell her that you had ******* nightmares about her leaving, when you were planning on leaving her. Don't **** her up any more than she already is man. Say what you mean and mean what you ******* say. Don't make plans with her that are far out in the future because that'll just **** up those days for her. Next time you see a ***** that you wanna ****, make sure she knows that's all it is. Don't tell her that you don't hurt people and that you're the one who is always getting hurt, because that's complete *******. Complete and utter *******. Don't lie to her about what you believe and then decide to tell her the truth once she is invested her whole heart in you. Unless of course, you don't care how many girls you **** up in the head. Because in that case, do all of those things I just said not to do.