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Delaney Jun 2015
I have to be strong for other people.*

This is all that I know.

I cannot, must not, break down
in front of another human.  
My pain takes a backseat to theirs.
Cast aside, on my own comand.

I still feel the pain, however.
And when I'm alone...
Sometimes, when alone,
I remember.
I break.
I hurt.

Then I walk out.
Ready to take on another person's burdens.


(d d.b)
Jun 2015 · 3.5k
Don't Call Me Crazy
Delaney Jun 2015
They say I'm crazy,
but if that's the case,
then what does that make them?
Becuase it sure as **** isn't sane.

(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 1.1k
Late Night Thoughts
Delaney Jun 2015
My eyes are weary
and teary.
My smile is faded
and painted.
My heart is torn
and forlorn.

I'm broken, dear.
Far too broken, I fear.

(d.d.b)
Delaney Jun 2015
Why do people lie,
about such serious things?

"Your case will be looked at."
"He'll be brought to justice."
"No one is angry at you."
"It's not your fault."

Those things were said,
but I swear,
none of them were meant.
Because it's been seven months since I reported him,
and not a **** thing has happened in my favor.

My case hasn't even hit the district attorney,
and either way, I've been told it most likely won't pass.

My ****** gets to walk free;
free to violate other women,
and free for me to have to see him often
in this annoyingly small town.

My parents are ashamed.
We don't talk about it anymore;
****, we hardly ever did.
They were angry at me.
Not him.
Never him.

All I've been shown,
is that it's my fault for letting him inside.
It's my fault for befriending him.
It's my fault that he didn't listen when I said no.

I fear this situation will never be resolved,
and I am forever cursed to carry this burden
alone.

So don't lie to me about such things.
Because I'll see the truth anyways.  

(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 429
A Rock
Delaney Jun 2015
It doesn't matter.
Don't you see?
You can break and batter,
but I'm still me.

You can punch and kick,
and shout verbal abuse,
But you don't get to pick;
I'm not a tool for your use.

I may be hurt and scarred
but you cannot change me.
You can make my life hard,
but I'm still what you see.

For better or for worse, I'm still me.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 849
keep me awake
Delaney Jun 2015
I don't want to fall asleep becuase I know you'll be in my nightmares

Your touch.
Your voice.
Your sly smile.

The way you always take "No"
to mean "Yes."

I fight the unconciousness my body craves to save my mind from the vicious terror that is the memory of you*


(d.d.b)
He is in my nightmares and I honestly want to stay awake forever to keep them away.
Jun 2015 · 1.4k
The Irony
Delaney Jun 2015
You're the one who violated my body,
yet somehow,
I'm the one who's always been apologizing for it.

(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 895
Be My Needle
Delaney Jun 2015
My heart is a pin cushion.
Various people have stuck needles
into it; but that's its purpose.
That's the good part.

The bad part, you see,
is when the needles are taken out.
I no longer have a meaning,
and I no longer feel loved
or useful.

Because what is a pin cushion
without needles?
I've got the holes
where they once were,
but that is all I have.

My heart is a petty, scarred
little pin cushion.
And there aren't any needles in sight.

(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 348
The Worst Addiction Was You
Delaney Jun 2015
I injected you,
   and I swallowed you.
I drank you,
   and I snorted you.

Little bits of you
course through my viens.
My blood;
darling, my blood is the pigment
of your skin.

You forever exist in my body,
and my nervous system is hightened
solely by you.

My love, you maketh me.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 646
Origins
Delaney Jun 2015
Rain is falling.

   Thunder is crashing.

        Lightening is striking.

That's a daily;

    How can it not be?

        This isn't just a storm.

Electricity and precipitation?

    Honey, they aren't from the sky;

         Not tonight.

Tonight, you inquire?

   That's sad but simple, you see,

        The storm comes from the heart

         inside of me.



(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 374
Literal to Metaphorical
Delaney Jun 2015
When I was young,
I believed in magic.
I always did "spells"
to keep away my faux enemy.
I called my enemy "The Darkness."
Imagine, this young girl,
only in elementary school,
running around and rambling about
"We must keep the darkness away."
"The darkness is going to get me."
My 'friends' turned me away,
finding me horribly odd.

A few years later,
magic hopes long forgotten,
it turned out I was right.
The Darkness came for me.
Who knew that little child
could have predicted
my futute mental disorders.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 1.1k
Sharp Self Destruction
Delaney Jun 2015
It's been a few years,
since I picked up that blade
determined to slice the sadness
out of my viens.
Ridges and indentions
of scar tissue
litter my body.
Yet, even now,
when I get really down,
I still want to add to my collection.
I am starkly aware
that it's not right,
not at all; but,
nothing else works quite as well.
Besides...
perhaps it's a punishment, too.
One that I deserve.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 478
Status: Drained
Delaney Jun 2015
Prolonged social exposure
exhausts me.
It sets my mind on fire,
but in all the wrong places.
I lose interest too quickly
for small talk,
and lack of intellectual conversation.
A little is fine, beleive me,
But I can't stress it enough,
prolonged social exposure
exhausts me.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 1.0k
I Can't Press Delete
Delaney Jun 2015
Old text messages are the devil
Because they show that one day
it was *"Let's go get coffee together."

And that day led to making out,
behind a shed neither of us owned.
They show that the next week,
you were on your way over
to my house.  
"On my way."
And that day...
oh, god, that day...
I trusted you.
I said no.
My trust was misplaced.
You violated me anyway.
They show that you kept in contact;
you texted me daily for a month after.
As if nothing happened.
As if my life hadn't been torn apart.
"I love you."
"You want to get coffee again?"


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 504
The Memories
Delaney Jun 2015
The memories are killing me.
They drown me,
as if I am tied down
with thousands of pounds
and have been thrown
into the ocean.
The memories haunt me.
Like a spider you see
out of the corner of your eye
but can't quite reach to ****.
The memories consume me.
They envelop my soul
with dark, thick smoke
and leave me struggling to live.

Take away the memories.
They are becoming me.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 213
Promises Weren't Our Area
Delaney Jun 2015
I told you that I would stop hurting myself,
and you told me you loved me.

I guess we both lied.



(d.d.b)
Delaney Jun 2015
Sighs escape my lips.
Tears escape my eyes.
You escaped from life, and now...
I wish we were side by side.


(d.d.b)
Even I'm not sure exactly who I wrote this about. Mainly, its about me missing my brother who died three years ago.
Jun 2015 · 253
I Need A Refill
Delaney Jun 2015
I was intoxicated with you,
  *but my dosage was too high.
           
 When you left me, empty,
     well, darling; the withdrawals
             **** near killed me.



(d.d.b)
Delaney Jun 2015
Will it ever makes sense?
      it doesn't make sense
Will I every be okay?
      I'm not okay
Will this pain ever end?
      God, there's so much pain...




(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 477
In Actuality
Delaney Jun 2015
I am the epitome
of what you do not want
in a
girl,
lover,
daughter,
friend.
I appear to be on a different level,
My own little isolation.
I apologize profusely.
I am not what anyone wants.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 4.3k
a much more accurate name
Delaney Jun 2015
Cruella*
is my stepmother's name
in my phone.
If that doesn't explain
our relationship,
then I don't know what does.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 1.2k
Yesterday
Delaney Jun 2015
Ten shots of tequila
can sure make me numb,
but it didn't erase everything.
I sobered up too quickly,
and still had flashbacks of you
in my sleep.
Alcohol isn't the answer,
but, I drank it anyway.


(d.d.b)
I took ten shots yesterday and it still didn't do a **** thing.
Delaney Jun 2015
you touched me again in my dream last night,
and I swear I woke up screaming*


(d.d.b)
I still can't get him out of my head and it hurts.
Jun 2015 · 247
A Thing Which I Know Not Of
Delaney Jun 2015
From what I've known,
I know that I know little
on this particular subject.
Because, darling,
What the **** does family
even mean?



(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 560
what ifs will kill you
Delaney Jun 2015
It mesmerizes me,
that out of all the people
you chose me as your target.
But am I the only one?
Am I the only violation
that you have caused?
I hope, for once,
that in this instance
I am alone in this.
Don't rip away anyone else's
peace of mind.
Please.
Let it only have been mine.
No one else deserves this ****.


(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 465
Confusion
Delaney Jun 2015
Sometimes,
I don't know which is worse.
The event that took place,
or everything that happened thereafter.



(d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 341
A Self Refelection
Delaney Jun 2015
I am
a massive wave of contradictions.
I am
too complex for myself.
I am
a lost soul,
searching for an anchor.
I am
the epitome of meloncholy.
I am
a mere flicker
in a world of glowing stars.
I am
me.
Whether I like it,
or not.



(d.d.b)
Don't question my late night thoughts.
Jun 2015 · 554
A Testimony To You
Delaney Jun 2015
Was I too complex for you?
Tell me, what is it that I did wrong?
I know it must of been a lot,
For you to throw me away to rot.
You scream words of hatred,
while I cry tears of grief.
Grievence for the love
that we once shared.
It was a passionate,
beautiful love.
A love that along the way
became one sided.
I will always love you, my dear.
You could stab me
and I'd apologize
for bloodying up your knife.
I apologize everyday.
I wasn't enough.
I wish I had been.
  

     (d.d.b)
Sometimes I still think of her.
Jun 2015 · 1.4k
Why We Stopped Talking
Delaney Jun 2015
You told me my words were like cold, sweet milk,
flowing so elegantly into your mouth
on a hot summer's day.
But, I guess, somewhere along the way,
you became lactose intolerant.


(d.d.b)
Delaney Jun 2015
People say,
I should be over it.
"It was, like, a year ago. Stop being so afraid."
Don't you people see?
A year ago is all too close to me.
(and, for the record-- it's 11 months and 6 days)
How do you just 'get over' the loss of your peace of mind?
I sure as **** haven't figured it out.
I still see him
in my nightmares,
in the flashbacks.
Some people think I actually am over it.
But I know that I am not.
I flinch when others touch me without warning,
I cannot open the front door,
I'm unable to walk down the street.
I'm so hyper aware of what happened to me.
I swear, he is buried in my sheets.

So don't tell me to get over it.
Unless you can somehow tell me how.
  

                         (d.d.b)
The anniversary is coming up and I'm not ready.
Jun 2015 · 1.5k
Exceptions
Delaney Jun 2015
I don't wish harm on people
                                                           BUT

to the guy who stole my innocence,
I hope you know that I wake up at night
screaming from the nightmares
of what you did to me.
You, you ******* monster,
who thought it was okay to ignore me
when I told you "no."
Who thought it was okay to pin me down
on my own **** bed.
I hope you get justice,
however it may come.
The courts aren't listening to me,
but you'll get what's coming.
You have to.
It isn't fair if you don't.

I don't wish harm on people
                                                          BUT
Maybe you're the one exception.





                                          (d.d.b)
Jun 2015 · 891
The Whispers
Delaney Jun 2015
I hear them as I walk the halls.
I see the look in their eyes.
"Wrong"
"Gross"
"Disgusting"
and for them,
all those words are synonymous
with who I am.
That (for some reason) hated word.
"*******."
Yes, I am a *******.
I like the taste of a girl far more than a guy,
but why does that make me wrong?
Please, someone explain.
Why. Am. I. So. Wrong?

(d.d.b)
I'm a ******* and I live in a conservative, small town. You can imagine what my life is like.
Jun 2015 · 290
About Me
Delaney Jun 2015
Melancholy thoughts,
and crimson stained long sleeves,
are all I have become.
And that fact makes me wish,
that I were nothing but a corpse,
buried under feet of dirt and roots and insects,
gone.


(d.d.b)
Delaney May 2015
Occasionally,
I feel like a light bulb.
One that has been flickering
for many years.
One that is close to burning out,
yet no one truly cares,
because when I do
I will simply be replaced
by something much brighter
and much better
than I.


(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 268
I'm Self Destructive
Delaney May 2015
the cold bite of winter's breath
will always sting my skin
but I know that
it will never hurt me quite as badly
as the cold bite of metal
as I drag a sharp razor blade
across my fragile wrist


(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 96
Untitled
Delaney May 2015
There is so much I want to say
but I do not have the voice
to let the words flow.
There is so much I want to do
but I do not have the will
to allow myself to continue on
in such a state as the one
that I am existing in.

(d.d.b)
This is an older poem of mine but it just shows that sometimes I really want to give up.
May 2015 · 166
The Truth
Delaney May 2015
If you ever want to **** me, ***,
                                       don't be surprised
                                                    whe­n I hand you the gun.


                               (d.d.b)
May 2015 · 258
I Know Better Than You
Delaney May 2015
I am alone.
Do not tell me I am not.
No one is there
when I wake at 3 a.m.,
sweating from the atrocious nightmares.
I stand alone
in crowded rooms.
My eyes fall on no one else
when I am crying,
in pain,
aching.
I am alone.

(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 464
Time
Delaney May 2015
Time is far too short.
Especially when everyday
is a vulnerable struggle.
To get up,
to breathe.
To talk,
to appear calm and 'normal.'
Life is too short
for each moment
to be wasted
on conforming with a society
that I will never belong to.
Life is slow,
and meaningless,
when a time so short
is spent on a desire to fit in.

(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 483
3/11/15
Delaney May 2015
My brain is a flower,
and right now,
among the multitude
of anxiety attacks,
and copious amounts of stress,
I feel as if
I
am
wilting.

(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 342
An Open Wound
Delaney May 2015
I know.
I know I am an easy target.
I break too easily;
my soul is unbearably fragile.
You would think that
my heart would be calloused,
but that is far from the truth.
My pain is still
an open wound.
Bleeding freely
as it is picked and sliced
with elongated knives
of those all around me.
I feel it much too deeply.
I know.
God, how I am forced to know.

(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 344
Priorities
Delaney May 2015
How?
Oh, logically, how?
Am I truly meant
to waste each day
on subjects I have no interest of?
Teach me.
Teach me how to love myself.
Teach me to soar, to succeed.
Tell me how to rid myself
of my lethargic atmosphere.
Only then,
will I appreciate the knowledge
of elements, equations, and events.
Please,
teach me the way to loving myself.

(d.d.b)
May 2015 · 2.0k
An Open Book for Exploration
Delaney May 2015
See me.
Not the facade I pose,
The true me.
Explore my indecorous soul
instead of getting lost at my mask
of calm, mild delight.
That, my dear friend,
is the facade.
See me.
Dive into the abyss,
of melancholy thoughts
and elaborate dreams.
Breathe in my imperfections.
They are plentiful.
Please,
see me.

(d.d.b)

— The End —