For I have always
sought to shun the alleys
where my shadows stretch too high,
ever hesitant to linger on
dialogs without outcomes,
too tangled and far-reaching,
for I foresee the fall of me,
and how the quicksand
born of thoughts ensnares me,
crippling, pleading for mercy.
I have been sprinting for far too long,
haunted by the specter of what
I will not be,
or for what I mould me to be
for I am not
what you perceive me to be.

All feelings inside create a meaning,
if you are patient enough to explore them.
These small reasons around us,
we fail to grasp their beauty.
We often fail to hear them
either we are not receptive enough
or have grown immune to them
either we are too blind to appreciate,
or they might have evolved
too fast for us to comprehend.

More than often we hear,
“you won’t understand”,
still a paradox in itself,
a question with answers unknown.
How to truly decipher the emotions
that our words fail to express.
The true meaning behind a tear,
the true intention of a silence,
the true pain behind separation.
This animosity created due to ignorance,
indeed is the greatest bliss,
less to decipher when
only a few meanings exist.

It’s just fine,
some emotions are beyond us,
beyond your words and actions.
impossible to capsulate,
monumental to appreciate.
It’s just fine
if often people don’t understand you,
It’s just fine
if often people don’t find your answers.
It’s just fine
if incoherence exists,
just like the immaculate idea of the dark of the moon,
beauty beyond comprehension.
Gives you a chance to create
a unique one for your own,
the one only you could appreciate.

All these changes inside bring a new canvas,
the one catered with an address to your soul,
granting you a chance to explore the new shades,
those colours that you are too afraid to mix,
those colours you are forbidden to mix,
colours that seem to fit in your canvas.
Learn to evolve in those feelings,
accept those colours and see,
if the outcome is a blank feeling,
or a rainbow of hope,
a feeling that your identity,
reciprocates the colours of your soul.

Power is pleasure
but pleasure can always end up toxic.
State blames the power,
the power is a slave to the money,
money running this nation,
Man-made paper running Man.

Chloroforming your joys,
disappearing in noise.
Writing to a feeling,
lost with a pen unpoised.
Corner lights fluorescent yellow,
the poisonous sweet smell of love so mellow.
Quit being a slave to a nameless voice,
let your today,
be a regretless choice.

Emotions from beyond are slowly seeping in,
spilling over my conscious,
dripping on my skin.
I want to taste it on your lips,
I want to hear it when you breathe.
I have scaled every beat you missed,
I have heard your whispers and whims,
still familiar with what are your needs in play.
Your lips feel like ripples on my neck,
divine interventions I cannot say.
Unlike any twilight skies I have seen,
your beauty is the only hue
I cannot unsee.
All I want is you right now,
this need is killing me now.

Waiting,
with my emotions in chains,
if I let them fly,
you might forget the lines
of lust and pain.
You are the only one,
to quench my thirst
so, make me wait no more
or else the demons might lose their cage,
the chains might fade with age,
you won’t be able to hold me back,
once the chains unclutter,
It’s either you till dawn or
or until I have you for supper.

Let me hold you close,
Let me hear you say,
“I will cleanse you of your sins,
the sins in love you are too afraid to say
the sins from our timeless yesterday.”

Still waiting,
like a bird with broken wings,
waiting for the breeze to carry me beyond.
But I am still stuck in here,
a place far north to my heart,
where emotions dwell with a lookout,
where my soul might be a tenant but never the master.
In my void of thoughts, everything is a slave to Fear.

It now rules my emotions that I finally have someone to lose.
The demons from my past often knock,
but they just don’t seem to make through.
Those demons seem so minuscule in front of the fears that now lives in me.
Now my tears roll down very easily,
do my tears signify that I am losing to my fears?
Or Have I lost the will to hide them anymore?
The feeling that you might be holding someone too close,
and once that person lets you go,
your reality may be torn between your questions,
questions to yourself, and questioning yourself.
The fear that what you might need is too much
or maybe what you did was too little.
The feeling of letting go and setting free seems to be different.
they are more powerful than mere words.
Every silence to my goodbyes.
Every distance to my differences.
My fears are growing,
Cause I have seen this happen,
I have lived through this ordeal a million times.
I don’t want to be lost again
running around nameless,
fear of not belonging to my emotion,
fear of not having someone to share my tears with,
fear that I won’t hear a smile,
fear that all this was just an empty promise,
fear that I might be abandoned by the ones I held close.

Now that they have grown beyond my arms,
not the smiles but the scars would remind them of me.
The fear is taking shape,
he seems to be in vibrant
shades of my doubts and insolence.
perched on my shoulder,
whispering to me,
“You never meant anything to those whom you called yours.”

Still when I might be too occupied to write,
I know my thought fuelled by fear,
are the scariest places to dwell.

For me your silences
will always echo louder than your words, they commute in language I cannot speak, they express some emotions I cannot precieve.

From times when I used to see you
walk past me in corridors,
to all the adventures with you aboard.
From the fun, we had in the hallways,
to the shenanigans in the dorms.
2nd bench shallow dreaming,
To the ice cream breaks under the Sun with you.
From the ****** wardens to cigarette butts,
we went through all, me and you.

I still want to jam to those old classics with you,
Hoping to see you again in your blue night suit,
remembering our handprints on your wall.
All those fights, all those tears accord,
the period of my life I will always adore.
Blessed to have found the greatest friend in you,
Don’t forget our celebrations are due.
And yes, I LOVE YOU TOO.

Broken into a million pieces,
living in this fear to break into a million more,
Making sure to tread with caution,
making sure I don't scream when I step on the thorns,
making sure I couldn't recall the last time I felt pain and mourned.
But someone felt my void inside,
Someone taught me there are no mistakes that cannot be healed
She taught me “healing exists to connect and not to perfect beings”.

I have found someone that makes me adore these fragments in me.
She is an alchemist working with gold,
healing those imperfections,
not hiding them in deep,
shaping them with trust,
molding them to fit back in,
trying to restore me with her palms,
blessing her magic on me
with that sacred art of Kintsugi.

Now the healed scars are in the shape of roses and daffodils,
now the vulnerabilities look gorgeous in me.
Her love is bridging my broken pieces,
now those lost and empty pieces are looking vivid.
Kissing those palms which made me believe,
breathing under her serenity,
now I felt peace in my reality.

Every imperfection seems unique to me.
Fragility, strength, and beauty,
now seem almost synonymous to one another.
To the one who rooted this resilience in me,
you mean the world to me.

Often when your emotions run rampant,
I feel your heat rushing
your hands in ecstasy uncontrollable,
trying to decipher my heartbeat,
searching for my lost pieces in yourself.
Trying to fix my broken reality,
looking for that missing piece of puzzle.

Someday you might stop and realise,
the last piece is finally in place,
now the puzzle seems vivid and complete.
Then you might realise,
through you I found those missing pieces,
through your love I have discovered me.

When in a Combat to death,
only one realises the true potential of human drive,
the ecstasy of dripping blood,
the transcendence to feel the last of a beating heart,
to feel the end of a soul in terror.

The two lives in question,
are placed on the same pedestal of reality
until one realises their potential to play God.
The momentum of giving a life seems to fade
in comparison to allowing one.

The one that experiences the last breath,
the being that fathoms he can grant an end,
is the only one that realises the inability of God over Death.

This bruised emotion called Love,
Gives my reality a chance to lose out to an unexpected challenger called hope.
But the scars on my shattered self now seem to heal on their own
It'sust that the scabs from my wounds now look like roses with no thorns.

Today I caught a glimpse
of someone's real beauty.
The fragrance of a thousand orchids,
the glow of a fallen angel,
the essence of a hundred dawns.
I felt the loving of a wounded heart,
I felt the need to heal those emotions.
and my feeling couldn't hold back
nor could I remember my leap
into the ravine of her affections.
Now I flow with her reality,
now I enjoy drowning in these feelings.

Living this conflicting life of regret and reality
living this conflicting life of confrontations and morality,
treading on this weak link of trust and animosity.
Living in this fear that what if those memories ever return,
or if am I even human enough to live with them.

Past days of bloodshed and lead bullets,
past life of hate and dead merits,
these ghosts from my past seem to be chained in me,
they almost seem to breathe with me.
Not knowing anymore, would I survive this chaos,
not knowing anymore, am I willing to escape this pathos,
not wanting to accept If the past was indeed the real me.
or am I still stuck in this labyrinth carved in me?

Everyday battling this conflict,
everyday holding on to the leash,
I live with this emotional rust and creeping insanity.
Waiting for my tryst with death,
Aching for my ending days of rest,
I tend to wander afar in my head,
and again end up in my soul instead.
If life was somewhat different at this frame of time,
Then what new flavors of suffering would I have encountered.
Or what new warmth of smiles I would have seen.

Living this conflicting life of regret and reality
living this conflicting life of confrontations and morality,
treading on this weak link of trust and animosity.
Living in this fear that what if those memories ever return,
or if I am even human enough to be breathing with them.

To take from; to have taken away from
to catch; to be caught;
to conform; to make one conform,
We do nothing but repeat,
repeat these affirmatives and negatives.
We are fighting to keep ourselves from losing anything,
we are certain of benightedness in our futility.

I adore your wrinkles
more than your salt trails.
I want to see your smile,
they are the bandage to soul.
Spread your blessing through
your joy.

I can no longer hide
this feeling or silence.
With your touch and love,
affections seize warmth.
My soul ignited.

Once disparaged
estranged to another.
But with these distances,
coupling unparalleled angst.
I long to share it,
I want to hear you,
pull me closer now.

The chills in my spine
put into these words.
Lips on your skin.
Eyes brimmed with sin
Fingers slide over,
Lights fade out,
Loved you forever
say it out loud.

What is this sensation?
You drip colors I cannot perceive.
Heightening my passion,
enhancing my believes.
Dew drops vaporise
unhinged fly two beings,
Blending in this night sky.  

My tomorrow's mistakes,
will they break this cage.
Expressions of lust,
Consumed this way.
Hollow mortals,
Filled with divine flames.

Too consumed
In the colour of flesh
You do not fear it
I can hear the rush.
Mesmerizing aesthesia ,
now i hear them often.
Our souls combust
to this timeless dust.

©__payn

Sitting below this dim lit sky,
walking on this wet field of trinket rain.
I enjoy these stars in my glass of toxins,
I enjoy these salt trail that my tears made.
The smell of animosity in you is making me suffocated, it's drowning my self hatred.
Now my melting emotions make your face blurry.
Now you are almost lost in the statics of my thoughts.

Regain, redeem
Resign, retreat
Dare you Overlook again,
The potential beneath,
Jump higher,
Fall again,
Dive deeper within,
Blind the empty eyes,
Mute the shallow words,
Painful rather than dead inside.
Bleeding scars, sarcasm dies.
Bullied emotions, scared and dried.
Wrong views, ill news just glance and deny.
Write your pain with passion for life.
Flood your rights with ink you buy.
Speak for the weak and pull down lies.
The power of your pen
is beyond what you deny.
Don't see wrongs and scroll ahead.
Write the revolution and turn those heads.

Me and my empty feelings,
now sleep under the same sheets.
With this abattoir in me,
darkness and obscurity,
are newfound friends to me.

The light seems too far to reach and shadows felt viscous and warm to me.
You can't pull me out now,
I am stuck in this Limbo of dreams.
I am chained to my demons,
who whisper visions of death
and ordeals to me.

Would I witness another sunset
or would I be trapped in this motionless state.
Would I be  sacrificed to the
monsters feeding on me
Or will the darkness silence my being.