"Love" By: Anna Akhamtova

Любовь

То змейкой, свернувшись клубком,
У самого сердца колдует,
То целые дни голубком
На белом окошке воркует,

То в инее ярком блеснёт,
Почудится в дреме левкоя...
Но верно и тайно ведёт
От радости и от покоя.

Умеет так сладко рыдать
В молитве тоскующей скрипки,
И страшно её угадать
В ещё незнакомой улыбке.

(Translation)

Love

First, as a serpent, it’ll cast its spell
Next to your heart, curled up.
Then, it’ll come as a dove, as well,
Cooing for days, nonstop.

In the frost, it’ll show itself curtly,
Or in the drowsing field of carnations…
To escort you covertly and firmly
Away from all rest and elation.

In the prayer of a violin yearning,
So sweetly, it’ll sob for a while,
And how frightening it is to discern it
In a yet unfamiliar smile.

Translated by: Andrey Kneller

Depression Hot Line:
1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hot Line:
1-800-273-8255

Life Line:
1-800-273-8255

Sexuality Support:
1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hot Line:
1-847-831-3438

**** and ****** Assault:
1-800-656-4673

Grief Support:
1-650-321-5272

Runaway:
1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-400

Exhale: After Abotion Hot Line/ProVoice:
1-866-439-4253

To those who have depression you know that it fills our minds with dark thoughts of our past, present, and future.
It makes us second guess why we are still alive.
It takes a strong iron grip on our chest and makes us struggle to get out of bed in the morning and makes us choke on words like "I am fine." Or "Don't worry I will be okay in time."
It twists the positive words we hear to form negitive thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing.
It makes us want to hurt ourselves till we can't hear the words of hatred anymore.
It consumes our souls that were once bright and cheerful and turns them into darkness and sorrow.

To those who do not have depression do not understand why we can't just be happy.
They don't understand that every day is a battle of life and death.
They do not understand the effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning and to face another day.

To those who do not know that the words they say hurt us.
We take your words seriously.
When you tell us "Go **** yourself." We actually want to.

To those who don't know that they just forced a peer of theirs in the closet when you said, "If I saw a gay I would beat them up." It makes it harder for them to accept who they are.

To those who don't understand why people with eating disorders hate themselves enought to starve themself or make themselves sick after they eat.
It is more then trying to be thin.
It is the cure to all our problems if we just don't eat this week.
Or we eat and make ourself sick.

To those who don't understand social anxiety.
Loud noises scare us.
Large groups of people freak us out.
Talking to new people makes us worry.
Socializing is difficult and doesn't come easy for like the rest of you.

To those who don't understand why we stay in that abusive relationship.
We feel like they will change.
They said they loved us.
They apologized and said it will never happen again.
They threatened to hurt themselves or us if we left.
They make us feel special at times.

To those who understand everything that was writen above and that has been through any of these things.
Please know this.
You are strong.
You are important.
You are beautiful/handsome/perfect.
You are a fighter.
You are a winner.
You are loved.
You are cared for.
You are amazing.

“You gotta fake it till make it.”

To be honest I hate this quote.
It is telling people that it is okay to pretend that they don’t have a problem.
It is telling people that they can’t make it on their own without pretending to be someone who they aren’t.
This quote is saying to hide what is going on until things get better.

So to the person in the abusive relationship.
Just pretend that your partner isn’t beating the **** out of you every night.
Or they aren’t degrading you into self loathing.
Or that they aren’t destroying your mental state with threatening that they will **** themselves or you if you leave.

So to the kid suffering from depression just hide those cuts on your wrist and paste on a happy face until you actually feel happy.

So to the kid suffering from an eating disorder just don’t look into a mirror until you feel like you can actually love yourself.

This quote is saying that we need to forget our problems and not talk about them because it might make the people around us uncomfortable.
Or that it isn’t okay to have the problems that we have.
This quote is degrading and sending a horrible message.
This quote is basically saying what was said about the abusive relationship, mental illness, and eating disorders.

Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может,
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам Бог любимой быть другим.

(Translation)

I loved you: and perhaps this flame
Has not gone out completely in my soul;
No longer shall it ever cause you pain;
I do not want to sadden you at all.
I loved you frantically, without reserve,
At times too jealous, and at times too shy,
I pray to God you get what you deserve -
Another man with love as true as mine.

Look into the mirror.
Look at your reflection.
See the beauty that is you.
Tell yourself that you are strong.
Tell yourself that you are beautiful.
Hold your head up high.
Love yourself.
To love yourself is to love yourself as a whole.

Missing her kills me.
Knowing my word means nothing to her.
Nothing will bring her back.
The tears that I cry won't.
The pain in my heart won't.

The cuts on my arms mean nothing.
They don't mean I am safe or not.
They don't mean I am free or held down.
They mean I am dying on the inside.
Trying to get out of this body that holds me here.

The apologize are for nothing.
I'm losing you and it's effortless.
I'm in over my head with problems.
But she never fails to be there in my mind.

I lost her, now I am dying everyday for what we had.
This is my goodbye to you and her.

Смерть не так уж далека. Мы прошли нашу дату смерти, не зная об этом. Тем не менее мы отмечаем наш день рождения каждый год.

Death is not so far away. We passed our date of death, not knowing about it. Nevertheless, we celebrate our birthday every year.

Boys don't cry...
I feel so small and like I will never be who I want to be.
I feel like this body isn't mine but I am stuck in this body and it keeps crushing the little hope I have left.
It is like an iron grip in my chest choking out words I don't mean to say.
Boys don't cry...
I feel like an insignificant part compared to everyone else.
To the one's that get their Top surgery, get the Estrogen blockers, and get the Testosterone.
I feel like nothing will become of my transition to male.
I feel as if no one will care and I will be left alone.

I sit in this lone hallway. No noises but the clicking of passerby foot steps. No one hears my cries for freedom from the darkness in my mind. I wish the blood that spills from my wrist spoke enough to show those I'm suffering alone.

I sit in this lone hallway. No noises but my thoughts that take over my sanity. I begin to panic and that's when I can't handle life anymore. This school feels more like a tomb every second I stay here.

I sit in this lone hallway. No noises but my shallow cries. They go unnoticed, unheard, unattended, and untreated. Emptiness fills my soul. Killing the love I once knew. Killing me slowly with awful words.

I sit alone in this lone hallway. Nothing around but my demons. They slowly torture me while I sit here. All alone. I cry out, I claw at my wrist for help... but no one is there.

"Some names will always taste bitter."

"I love you with ever broken piece of me."
~ Unknown

Depression Hot Line:
1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hot Line:
1-800-273-8255

Life Line:
1-800-273-8255

Sexuality Support:
1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hot Line:
1-847-831-3438

**** and ****** Assault:
1-800-656-4673

Grief Support:
1-650-321-5272

Runaway:
1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-400

Exhale: After Abotion Hot Line/ProVoice:
1-866-439-4253

I lost her.
I tried making up for what I have done.
What have I done to get to this point?
I ******* up I know and I regret what I said.
I regret what I did to her. But I want to take it all back but I can't.
Please forgive me one day.
I know what I did was wrong and I tried fixing it but I guess I hurt her too much.
PLEASE know I am sorry.

I climb out of the hole the dug for me.
I open my eyes to tge harsh light of the new world.
I pat my body feeling if I am alive.
WAIT... whats this the ***** of fat on my chest are gone.
I feel something where they should be.
A scar.
They dug my grave for I was born in the wrong body and I try so hard to fix it.
I used to bind my chest everyday it hurt so much.

And now it feels like you have forgotten my past and only focus upon your unfounded fears.
And now it seems you’re more afraid of gaining a son than you are loosing your daughter.
And now it seems you refuse to acknowledge that this is not a phase.
And now it seems you disregard my feelings to comfort yourself.
And now it seems you’re blindness is killing me.
And now it seems you refuse to look.

I’m sorry that it isn’t a phase like you had originally thought or so desperately hope now.
I’m sorry that this is hard for you… even though it is harder for me.
I’m sorry I’m your son and not your daughter.
I’m sorry that I embarrass you and Dad.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that I’m transgender.
I’m sorry that I’m not normal.
I’m sorry…
I’m sorry.

When I was little you told me I could be anything I wanted.
No one looked twice when I shopped in the boys section,
When I wore dark blues and grays instead of pink,
When I played in the mud or with other boys,
When I refused to hear my hair down,
Or when I siad I thought I was a boy.

When I got older you no longer thought it cute but we're not worried quite yet.
You told me that the lumps on my chest were beautiful despite my protests.
You told me that I would change and thag being a tomboy was temporary.
You told me that one day I would love dresses, pink, and makeup.
You told me that I woulf grow out of it soon enough even though I told yoy I wouldn't.

In the final years of high school you began to worry and I began to breathe as things became clear.
You noticed that not once have I worn a dress since you stopprd forcing me to.
You noticed my web pages I left open that read Top surgery or Testosterone.
You noticed the lumps on my chest grew smaller as I bought better binders.
You noticed my hair steadily becoming shorter after every single haircut.
You noticed the letter on the counter that read a few simple word. If yoy haven't noticed... I'm transgender.

"I was her's but she was never mine to begin with..."

~Unknown

The darkness makes the the empty soul that wonders aimlessly trying to find something to save it. Something that will give it meaning once more. The soul wonders the dark world it once walked before tragedy struck it's iron grasp on them. The soul walks the back streets of the town it once called home. It returned to the dark school that took it's life in the first place. The soul walked the abandon halls once more before students enter the building. They visited the place where they died. There was someone there. Someone at the wondering souls memorial. A girl cries while on her knees and her head in her hands. She is weeping over the one that lost their soul. The wondering soul walks over and places a hand on the girls shoulder. She looks up and see the spirit of the one that had died no more then a day ago. There was a light in her eyes. The soul spoke quietly and quickly and asked for forgiveness. And the girl held the souls hand and spoke simply, " I forgive you." The soul felt the light and the freedom from the earth. The soul kissed her hand and just disappeared.